I quite dislike phone calls. I dont mind in the office. The phone rarely rings more than once there. I usually enjoy that patient interaction because most of the time they appreciate I am trying to help. I dont even mind calling several numbers for one solution at work. But that is my work life. In my personal life I feel my skin crawl when the phone rings or when I see I have a missed call. I understand why I feel this way but it does not change it.
Today was one of those days. In my world there are many children. Ones that arent so young anymore. The first would be 11 now. She was my world. That is how life is when you have foster siblings. You expect to come home to children you dont know. You love people before you know anything about them. But it does break my heart somedays. Today is one of those days too. I really only know 3 of 4 because the last is too new for my knowledge it seems. But those three babies could be my world. I love the way they smile and hug me and will decide my room is the room to watch movies in and play in even though I want to get ready in it. I love that they dont live with us but every single time they come over it is like they never left. But it makes every part of me ache knowing that they dont have everything. That they werent born into the life I was. That the care they get with me isnt the same as what they have on a regular basis. It isnt their fault. Today, for once, there was an intervention. My babies cant stay at home right now. And I dont have the means or my own home to take all four of them, or I would. I offered up my room so two of them could live with us. They may not. But it sure hurts to know that they might have to live with someone else, and that someone probably wont ever be able to love them the way we do.
I guess I get too attached. I cant help it. I dont know how to not love. I dont know how to let the children into my life and not forevermore think of them as part of the family. We have a large family these days, mum must have at least 50 kids now. No wonder she worries so much.
So I dont know if I will get to have even a couple of them live with me again or if that chapter is over. I am not sure if this will just be a few days or a few months. Sometimes it takes awhile for life to sort itself out. All I know is that today will be a hard day for 4 children that I love very much.
16 July 2013
Six Hundred and My World Has Changed
Look how it all started.
I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.
For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.
I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.
And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world. And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.
Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.
Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.
And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.
I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.
For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.
I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.
And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world. And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.
Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.
Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.
And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.
08 July 2013
"I'm so glad that all our feelings are true, I can't believe that you're still acting the same like we first met."
"Dont you know that true love never dies?"
Some songs are soundtracks for moments. Other's just fill the dead space. And some feel like they are your life. I was a high schooler when I first became obsessed with Houston Calls. This song felt like my everything. I was also in high school when I met the love of my life. I just didnt know it.
I like to think I am relatively intelligent. That not a lot gets past me. But lately I am realizing I missed a lot. I missed eight years. I guess I just wasnt ready. I was too into myself. The worst part isnt even that everyone else saw it except for me, it is that I took that time for granted.
We have so many memories. Nine years worth. But I have only really given note to the last 6 months. Before you were just one of my best friends. We would never be in love. You would put up with me and my sarcastic ways. You understood I wanted nothing. I just wanted to exist. In all of that time I thought he might care but I convinced myself it wasnt real. That was just how our friendship worked. He would taunt me with fake proposals knowing it would embarrass me and embarrassed I was. We would go for dinners and movies and everything couples would do but we werent a couple. And most of the time we didnt live near each other.
But know I know. I know that he loved me long before I loved myself, and way before I knew I would love him forever. He treated me like a princess when I thought princesses werent real. He waited patiently while I had to make mistakes and learn for myself. And when I was ready he gave me the chance I didnt deserve.
A lot has happened since I was 16. A lot. But the one constant feels like you. And I think Houston Calls knew that. They knew how I would one day feel long before I did. True love doesnt die. And I couldnt be happier that you know me better than I know myself most of the time. I think forever finally opened up my eyes.
I like to think I am relatively intelligent. That not a lot gets past me. But lately I am realizing I missed a lot. I missed eight years. I guess I just wasnt ready. I was too into myself. The worst part isnt even that everyone else saw it except for me, it is that I took that time for granted.
We have so many memories. Nine years worth. But I have only really given note to the last 6 months. Before you were just one of my best friends. We would never be in love. You would put up with me and my sarcastic ways. You understood I wanted nothing. I just wanted to exist. In all of that time I thought he might care but I convinced myself it wasnt real. That was just how our friendship worked. He would taunt me with fake proposals knowing it would embarrass me and embarrassed I was. We would go for dinners and movies and everything couples would do but we werent a couple. And most of the time we didnt live near each other.
But know I know. I know that he loved me long before I loved myself, and way before I knew I would love him forever. He treated me like a princess when I thought princesses werent real. He waited patiently while I had to make mistakes and learn for myself. And when I was ready he gave me the chance I didnt deserve.
A lot has happened since I was 16. A lot. But the one constant feels like you. And I think Houston Calls knew that. They knew how I would one day feel long before I did. True love doesnt die. And I couldnt be happier that you know me better than I know myself most of the time. I think forever finally opened up my eyes.
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