Bingo On My Bottom

One of the best things are being on a large boat full of senior citizens is that there are frequent bingo games. At first I was disconcerted as the form of bingo in this hemisphere was foreign to me but after learning it I have come to accept it. You see I really love bingo. I like the thrill of coming close to winning or having a number you need being called. And in reality I usually play at my grandmothers and she gives me prizes even when I am a loser. So it has been a shock having no one reward me for my losses but I find it quite exciting. They even have all of these crazy sayings and you play a game called bingo on your bottom. I think I must be an old lady inside, which is entirely okay because by the time I am an old lady on the outside I should be really good at bingo!

Pantig

To celebrate my impending graduation my little Shmoopy and my mother flew to this land. Upon arrival we found our way to a most magical zoo. And for me to throw out such praises actually means something as I am a zoo person. While there Shmoopy and I were possibly a bit more ourselves than usual as we had been apart for so long. So upon seeing a new animal when our mother asked whatnot was we confidently told her it was a pantig. We explained this name came from its appearance as it looked like it was a combination of a panda, a pig and am anteater. She still seems skeptical but we are most sure that is what it is. So we have adopted the pantig as our new thing. It is always appropriate to pantig to celebrate a moment or acknowledge something awkward. Feel free to jump on my bandwagon. Photos to come.

Liquid Sunshine

They all seem to call it that. I suppose it makes the rain seem like its something you have to enjoy and are blessed to have that way. And I really can't complain as I am sitting in a Thai massage parlor waiting for the joy of a massage. I wouldn't have minded hiking a waterfall and seeing parrots but I definitely am also happy with a bit of relaxing. I think holidays need some time that isn't scripted. That just allows me to be spontaneous. So I think this liquid sunshine was for me today.

The Time I Grew Wings

What do you do when all of your plans come to a close? When you reach a point you weren't ever sure existed? You apparently grow wings and learn to fly. You feel a sense of success and freedom you actually didn't know existed.

I think it is safe to say I am not an overly confident person. Swagger isn't something I possess too much of. But let me tell you, I have never been so proud of myself as I am right now. I feel like I am pretty impressive. I mean twenty four with a Masters should count for something.

I could stop praising myself but I probably won't for this whole post so feel free to vomit a bit or stop reading.

The thing is the past two years have been a gong show. I mean hectic as. And there were times when I couldn't see an end, to any of it. It just felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean with nothing around but more ocean to drown in. But I didn't. Somehow I just made it to now. I mostly doggy paddled along, but I am okay with that because I made it.

I don't have much of a plan set. Everything beyond yesterday seems foreign and unaligned. But in these moments it just seems irrelevant because I have done it. All I want to do is celebrate and feel proud of myself. To breathe and to feel free. So I think that is exactly what I will do.

I did it. I survived.

The Nearing End

Tomorrow is it. One exam. In sixteen hours my college career ends. I earn a second piece of paper and suddenly it will be like everything has changed. At least that is how I imagine it. But the truth is I dont really slow down long enough to take these things in. Tomorrow is incredibly jam packed and when I finally have time to breathe I will be on a plane to see two of the most important people in my life. So I really am not sure there will be a proper alone moment for me to let it sink it. Actually, I will create such a moment because this is something I want to celebrate. Tomorrow is the end of a very long and difficult chapter and I know the one unfolding next will be full of turmoil and frustration and confusion but I also have an inkling that it may be full of a beauty and sense of accomplishment that I have only ever seen on television. Emotion seems to be welling inside. Waiting for the proper moment of release. It is all starting to sink in. Maybe a few hours prematurely. But emotion waits for no man I suppose. At least it feels that way. I have almost accomplished something to be really proud of. I just need to survive the next sixteen hours without exploding.

My Real Life Atlantis?

It felt like a dream. Not like the kind I have. But the kind where you feel like you have just escaped reality and that you are somehow in an alternate world. It had all of the right elements. It had the sort of people you want to be surrounded by, it had nature, culture, contrast, excitement and wonder. It truly was like I had a chance to just step away from the stress I have felt surrounded by.

I think I forget to live sometimes. To breathe. I let myself suffocate in my own mind. But for some reason I just bought plane tickets and made no plans other than whose home to sleep at and I left. And because of my lack of thought and desire to just escape I found so much joy. It really was amazing to just forget about everything and to just live in the moment. To let nothing else matter except for my first proper scones and the magic they brought to my mouth. To just take in the muddy path and the stream and the garden and the people that just exuded so much beauty.

I would compliment this with pictorials but I mostly just used my polaroid and my pop cam, I know, I clearly want to be either indie or a hipster. So the digital world is lacking photographic evidence. But my heart will hopefully not soon forget the childlike bliss I felt at Father John's. Melbourne is a place I can only hope to be blessed enough to spend more time in.

A Little Taboo

I have said it before and I will probably scream it again; I am not a fan of discussing politics and religion with most people. Let me explain. I love talking about religion with people that are open minded and have something to share. However, let me be realistic, most people are not in this category-even if they say they are. I find once you bring up things like God or the President you are in for a rampage of someones beliefs that they will try and turn into fact. Sorry, but that is not my cup of tea. I do not feel the need to force my political or religious beliefs upon anyone. I am quite thrilled to share such thoughts with all but not in any situation that is then going to involve me being tied to a stake and slashed.

So here we are on American Election day. And I am dying. I have this love/hate relationship with it all. I think both candidates will do well. America will be blessed with either leader. I do have a preference but that is my choice. What is killing me is how short sighted and opinionated people are, especially those I esteem as colleagues or intellects. And then there is those on the internet that I have to question whether they know anything more than that Obama is black and Romney is Mormon. It really is like stabbing my eyes and watching them bleed as I read the comments people make, there is an overwhelming sense of ignorance. And not only that but the arguments! I feel politics brings out not only the worst in people but also an air of arrogance and misguided confidence as people spread less than half truths in order to defend something they know little about.

So as the election is quite near being called I shall bring this to a close. Regardless of which party you vote for may you never open your mouth about politics unless you are informed.

Midstress Crisis

I am literally stressed to the point that I can feel the tears fighting to come out. I wish they would. It would probably release some of this tension I feel throbbing inside. I understand that I am the one that chose to move. But I kinda didnt. I prayed a lot about it and felt prompted to make the choice. And not knowing the reason why makes it harder for me to understand that it will all work out because right now my room, my life, my everything, seems like a disaster so large that it should make the news.

Logically I know somehow things will happen and work. And I understand that clearly there is a plan for me. But my lack of knowing just makes it feel like my life is one of those puzzles where every single piece is a sky piece that looks the exact same and there are no edges so you dont even have that to go off of.

I know I seem ridiculous. But taking two years of life and trying to pack it all and make it fit while planning trips and selling furniture and trying to find someone to move in is just too much for my humanness. Plus I somehow have to go to uni this week and then take an exam next week and I just feel like I am suffocating in my own oxygen. And I cant say I want someone to come wave a magic wand. I dont. I dont expect someone to give me some logical answer that they think is superior. I just want to feel like someone cares that this is hard on me too. It seems like everyone just looks at how this affects them and no one has thought that maybe leaving is hard for me too. I dont feel strong enough to survive the next month. A lot of divine intervention will be required for this to all work out.

A Little Insecurity Never Killed Anyone, Or Did It?

So the other night I hosted a celebration of All Hallows' eve. You know. That night that makes you look back and think of mum fussing over your makeup and if your costume was big enough to fit a snowsuit under. At least that is how my childhood went. And then when I grew up and moved away I didn't dress up as much. Entirely because I was too self conscious. I always felt like I needed to put my best foot forward and I just didn't feel comfortable going all out. Of course I look back and punch my younger self in the face, in my mind.

But somehow this all fits into how insecure I have felt as of late. And trying to host something only projected it. I dont handle attention well and I get anxiety when I know I am responsible for others enjoyment. It just is too much for me to handle. I spend the whole time before and during worrying about what everyone in attendance thinks and recognizing things that are less than ideal, like wrappers in with the candy. I think I am just not confident enough to really let go. To be able to just entirely be myself around everyone.

I havent decided yet if it is the stress or something more, but everything seems emotionally amplified and more dramatic to me right now. I think I am just so overwhelmed that everything is shutting down and my ability to cope is diminishing which would be really poor timing because I just realized I have only one more weekend in this place I call home. I am so not ready to say goodbye to my life. I wish I wasn't so afraid of my future. I need to go to the markets and buy some self confidence.

39 Days of Countdowns

5 hours/2 patients and I complete 20 weeks of placement.
4 days of classes and I am done formal university learning.
7 days and I fly to Melbourne.
13 days and I take my last uni exam.
14 days and I fly to Sydney and see my mum and Shmoops.
16 days and I get on a cruise.
30 days and I bring those two foxes to brissy to see my life.
39 days and I move across the world.

These next few days are about to be a whirlwind of packing, insanity, love, and memories. Hopefully it goes slow enough that I can savor it.