So the other night I hosted a celebration of All Hallows' eve. You know. That night that makes you look back and think of mum fussing over your makeup and if your costume was big enough to fit a snowsuit under. At least that is how my childhood went. And then when I grew up and moved away I didn't dress up as much. Entirely because I was too self conscious. I always felt like I needed to put my best foot forward and I just didn't feel comfortable going all out. Of course I look back and punch my younger self in the face, in my mind.
But somehow this all fits into how insecure I have felt as of late. And trying to host something only projected it. I dont handle attention well and I get anxiety when I know I am responsible for others enjoyment. It just is too much for me to handle. I spend the whole time before and during worrying about what everyone in attendance thinks and recognizing things that are less than ideal, like wrappers in with the candy. I think I am just not confident enough to really let go. To be able to just entirely be myself around everyone.
I havent decided yet if it is the stress or something more, but everything seems emotionally amplified and more dramatic to me right now. I think I am just so overwhelmed that everything is shutting down and my ability to cope is diminishing which would be really poor timing because I just realized I have only one more weekend in this place I call home. I am so not ready to say goodbye to my life. I wish I wasn't so afraid of my future. I need to go to the markets and buy some self confidence.
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