Resolving (post a quick glance backwards)

Its that time of year. The time when you release the year is over and you either think back and realize what a magnificent year it was and you bask in the glory of it, or you think hallelujah, that year is over, if I had to relive it I would die. I will lean towards the later. So prior to my resolving I want to take a quick moment to peer back into the days that comprised the year 2010 in my life.

It was a year of ultimate change, of new beginnings and even more endings. It started with preparation for applications to med school. Saturdays spent studying for the MCAT and classes of death. And then it changed and I knew I was going to apply to PT school instead. So I jumped onto that ship instead. Concurrent was the foreclosure or my condo and the misery that followed as I frequented with the realtor until I got a cheque and a new home. As all of these changes swirled around I learned to snowboard, for real, and fell in love with it and the feeling of being up on the mountain. Amidst this relationships formed, broke, reformed and rebroke. Then it was onto another relationship- one that would come back in a new way months later. The days turned into spring term, french classes and ultimately a robot video that won me my yoga teacher course. It was the time of my first half marathon and a short relationship with another fellow. Spring also brought a professor with fresh love and perspective as I found out life changing news and my world began its crashing spiral. I moved home for a short period and on the way there I got a conditional offer to school. I fell into a time of pain and heartache. I journeyed back to the states to become a yoga teacher and to start on a path of healing as I came to terms with the effects of another's decisions. It included sleepless nights and long talks as friends returned from countries far away. And graduation, I nearly forgot, I graduated, hurray. Then a roadtrip to try surfing and to play pokemon. And then home, and surgery and work and preparations to move away once again. Then I visited Utah again, a final dasvedanya fest before I moved to Australia. It was my Christmas present, but no one could have seen what would happen. A relationship would change and that changed everything. Australia was next. Grad school began, new friends were brought into the equation and new goals were formed. And then the year started to close. And then it was now.

So after that long quick summary it seems like this year was okay. But the heartache part was so awful that it really was a rough year, one that hopefully has turned me into one of those diamonds that come from the rough. I survived though! And thats what matters. So I want to resolve.

I resolve to not be scared of love. To work for it and realize that what has happened around me does not define me or my relationships, those are mine and they will be different.

I resolve to achieve my personal fitness goals that are on post its in my room.

I resolve to become a better person and contributor to the world as I expand my horizons and find myself on a deeper level.

I resolve to embrace change instead of running and cowering from it.

I resolve to be there for you more.

So welcome 2011. I am so so ready for this year. I am embracing it along with the changes that have become integral parts of my life. Farewell 2010. Dont come back please. Thank you.

Banksy- and How He Opened My Eyes

I will admit it. I now have a minor obsession with Banksy. I cant help it. I am fascinated with his street art. His anonymity. His ninja like stealth. His messages. So here is an example of why I am obsessed.

But thats not just it. I have always had a fascination with non traditional things, especially art. I wish I was more artistic, thats for sure. So his art really hits me. Then I got thinking as I searched for his book today. How many things do I now love that I would never have known about if it wasnt for someone else? And that got me questioning if anything about my self is original. But then I realized that if we never shared anything with anyone than life would suck and no one would know about anything. How stupid would that be? It would be just awful, trust me, I imagined it.

So I dont hate myself for loving movies you have recommended I watch, or books that I found on someone elses table first. I dont regret having interest in things someone else likes. It just means we have something in common. So I am glad that because of something you said I found a movie that intrigued me and have something else to be interested in. I just wonder if I ever share things with people that they then adapt to become a part of them.

Wild Things, Dinosaur Fossils, Black Pearls and Toilets

The making of a happy Christmas. I knew this year had to be different, there were no options. Yet Christmas was the one day I liked to be the same, the exact same, every year. And so the day came, and everything was entirely new, and yet part of it was so much the same.

I woke up and saw 3 kangaroos across the road from Cid's families home. I knew Australia was real then, either that or the budget of the Truman Show must have spiked in order to make the holiday season more realistic. Both are plausible options. The day progressed from there in its entirely unusual fashion. I must admit I was feeling so homesick and lonely amidst that beautiful family. They just welcomed me in, but it wasnt the same as home, and part of that was just so hard to overcome.

Then it started turning around. I talked to someone that always knows what to say, he has somehow obtained a wealth of advice as he has aged. So there I was, standing in the sun taking in every word. The bigger picture became clear, he knew there was a lot more to it than just that day. So we got into the major things and he reminded me that I had to start creating my own memories, ones that were happy and new, I couldnt dwell on the past forever. And maybe it was time I put it all out there and send a much needed email (which I did). Somewhere in the laughing and being reminded how I am like a nerd on steroids, everything became okay. Thank you.

Then I talked to mum and grandma and grandpa. And I remembered how those three people love me more than anything. And it didnt matter where I was, or that it was Christmas Eve for them and Christmas Day for me. Nothing mattered, because we have each other. And then Christmas began in my heart. I realized that it had nothing to do with where I was, or who was there or what happened. It just mattered to me that they knew I loved them and that they loved me back.

Its not to say that the rest of the day wasnt epic, but I learned my lesson in that moment as the sun was burning my skin a little bit while I talked on the phone. We opened presents and played this insane twister game and had dinner and it was so lovely. And then Uncle Shawn brought out his gift. He is no relative of mine but I had heard of his gifts. It was a complete toilet. Thank goodness he didnt know I was coming, I dodged that one.

Then the real best part came. It was just after midnight when the skyping began. We sat in a circle, just like always, except this time I was on the screen. And one at a time we opened our stocking presents then the gifts from me. And it was magical, minus when that huge bug attacked me and tried to kill me. I am glad that was entertaining for the rest of you, however, I thought I was going to die. And as each present was opened I realized how well my family knows me. Its not like a superficial knowing like it is with most people, they know know me. When I opened up an ice cube tray that was fossilized dinosaur bones, and wild thing pajamas and a peace bracelet and zen magnets I knew that they knew exactly who I was.

So Christmas came and was beautiful. And it ended with me opening the most beautiful present I can imagine. We were shopping for someone else when I fell in love with that pearl set, never did I imagine I would own one. So as I look at each piece and carefully put them on I am reminded how the 4 of you are always here, even when you are not.

So even when I was sure the Grinch had stolen my Christmas and every ounce of love I had for it, everything changed. My heart definitely grew several sizes that day.

Fake it til You Make it

For those of you that find your eyes glancing across this blog on more than one occasion and ever have thoughts involving my writing to be insightful or grown up or anything along those lines, well then just skip this post. I would rather leave those thoughts intact. Although I doubt those thoughts really are occurring. So I will just get on with my dreary, immature post.

I hear people talking about faking it til you make it. We all do it at some point, at least I think so. If you act like you know what you are talking about, or you exude confidence then people will believe it. But you cant always fake it. Every so often the truth rears its ugly, self conscious head, and thats when we are reminded that we have just been faking it.

That awesome truth decided to just take my face and shove it hard into the fact that I am faking it. I could tell you how excited I am that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I mean Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. I have a million traditions, and I hate when they are broken. My best memories growing up involve Christmas. But not this year. I hate that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I just want to skip the holiday this year, just forget that it happened. I dont want to forget the birth of Christ, I just wish I was in a cave where there would be no celebrations.

I smile as I go out. I ask about others plans and eagerly share mine. But underneath its a different story. I can barely sleep or function normally with the thought of the impending holiday. I dont look at my Christmas shrine and feel the love that went into those neatly wrapped presents. Instead all I see are the other ones, and the card. That writing is all too familiar. I almost dont want to open it. I know it will just hurt. And perhaps I will be able to bare the pain of reading the words and opening those few things, but having to talk to you about it will be more than I can handle.

And then there is the part that should be happy. I do want to skype with you all so much. I know you are trying to maintain tradition. But its broken, we all know it. And I want to see your shining faces as you see what I left under that tree but deep down I know that we all will be crying inside, even if we fake it on the outside, and I doubt I will be able to fake it.

So as much as I tried to fake it for myself, and maybe for all of the happy people here, I cant do it anymore. Which I suppose means I didnt make it. I am not sitting here looking forward to a happy Christmas. I am sitting here thinking my tears are comparable to the torrential rains that flood my road nearly daily. I am sitting here wishing the aching pain I feel through my whole being would just stop. And I am hoping that I can just survive the holiday, thats all. I dont need it to be glorious or anything, I just want to survive it. Because right now it feels like I am drowning.

What I'm Trying to Say

I have far too much time on my hands, time that does not have to be filled with studying. It should be, but its not a must since I have days and days to do it. So here I am yet again, sitting with my laptop, listening to songs that I know all the words too and eating my favourite lollies. But this abundance of unproductive time allows me to think, and when I spend too much time thinking I usually find myself in trouble.

There are so many things I want to say, but more than that I just want you to be able to be here and to see it. I would rather have us be able to laugh about things together because you were here when it happened. That would be so much better than me trying to find the words to type to explain each thing. Or just the sights. Whether its the flooding on my driveway or the tropical rainforest appearance amidst the great court on campus, I just want you to be able to see it.

But tonight I got lucky. I went out for pie with some lovely people, one of whom knew you. And even though we scarcely discussed you, it didnt matter. For once it felt like you werent so far, like part of you was here. It made you feel real again. Sometimes I feel like you are so much in my mind that you cant possibly be real outside of it, and it seems like its been forever already. So as I snuggle back under my giraffe bedspread I cant help but to smile a little bit more as I feel like you are not impossibly far tonight.

Seven

Somehow its been seven months. Exactly seven months. And yet there are moments when it feels like it happened yesterday. I dont know how other people can be so forgiving and willing to forget and move on. I wish I could just forget and move on. I wish I had more answers now than I did then, but reality is that I only have more questions. I understand it even less now. I dont know how I survived the last seven months. Well I do, so thats incorrect. It was through religion, and the women in my family and a few friends that stood up taller than I could. I feel blessed that I have grown more than ever these last seven months, but if I could go back to that day and make it never happen I would. I would change everything. Because right now, when I look back, I cant look at it like this was such a period of learning and growth and experience. It was heartbreak and betrayal and confusion. One day I know I will be stronger, and I will have forgiven, and I will be proud of the progress I will have made. But perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps it is okay that I am still healing and that I cant fully grasp onto the forgiveness side. Perhaps coming to terms with it and realizing I couldnt have done anything because it was a choice made exclusive of me, is enough for today. I survived the last seven months and I didnt let it ruin me. Perhaps thats all that can be hoped for at this stage.

My Mind Just Goes Keeps Going Back To Memories.

Looking for the right person to understand the things that I didnt know how to say, I thought back to a previous encounter, it was months ago now. Our friendship was so odd, in a good way. I didnt even know who you were, in fact, I had not even remembered giving you cake. But somehow you must have realized that we should be friends. And then one day I told you everything. I just knew that you were the one person I had to tell everything to and I didnt know why. It was on your porch, and it all came out. And you let me feel how I felt. Yet you gave words of wisdom. I wish you were here so I could just hear words like that, because you already understand. That evening continually sticks out. It left an impression that just wont fade because you said things I need to keep remembering. I am trying not to forget it all. What am I going to do now? That was the vital question, wasnt it? But more importantly was when you told me it would take time. I wish you could have told me how long it would take.

Its been ages since I saw you, it was right before I moved back to Canada. I hope you know that I treasure your friendship. Also, whenever I watch animated things I think of how you would tell me something technical about how it was made.

Let's Try Redefining Beautiful

I hate that beauty has been tainted by media. That people stereotype beauty and are often too closed minded to see beauty in a broader range. I want people to open their minds and their hearts to a new kind of beautiful. A kind of beauty that embodies everyone. No pressure, no unrealistic expectations of a skin and bone appearance while maintaining the facade that they are healthy. No. I want beauty to be embracing who we are.

I think its beautiful when people can open about their real self. Not the person that most people glance at on the bus or at the market. But the person deep down that recites random useless facts or has minor obsessions with childhood games. I think beauty is rarely found near the skin. Its so much deeper. And the more I think about it, the more I miss the beautiful people in my life that know all of those real things about me.

Maybe I want to feel like I am contributing to the world becoming a better place, or maybe I just think its unhealthy to feel the pressure to conform to the standards of "beauty" that media has given me. Regardless, I am going to try and forget the idealized definition of beautiful and I am going to redefine it for myself. I want to feel beautiful and for everyone else to feel that way too.

So Much to Say but No Words to Convey - 6.28

Some days it all comes back. Everything. And sometimes I remember its not just me. I forget how little you are and how much harder it must for you. I know you want me to come home. I know you feel alone and hurt and broken and scared. I wish I could make it go away. I understand though. Its still too hard. You will take that step one day, today just isnt that day. And honestly, maybe I wouldnt have taken that step if I didnt know I could get away from it for so long.

I am sorry I cant do more. I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. All I know is exactly how you feel and how much that sucks. I love you.

Glow Worms

Last night we ended up in a cave up the Gold Coast. It was late and dark but once you find the cave it is illuminated with these glow worms. It's like sitting out under a clear sky looking at the stars, except that really you are in a cave and the stars are these glowing little creatures. It is gorgeous.

And as you feel the peace and silence or the darkness it makes you think. It was as if the world stopped and I had a moment to reflect on life. Its like looking at the clusters of glowing was like looking at parts of my life and connecting it like constellations. And as I drew the lines things seemed so clear. I know it feels like I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and there is part of me that thinks about escaping and going back to familiarity but I know there is a point that requires moving on. And I do know what I am doing. BYU had a purpose, here will have a purpose, and when I think back on the trials that got me here, I can more clearly see their purpose. I am pretty sure I need to find more time and places to reflect as reflection reminds me that even on the dark days there is light somewhere, I just have to find it.

Just Punch Them In the Face and say Shut the F Up

I learn a lot at school. And I find that some of my professors speak more on my level than others, one in particular was hilarious today. Most likely because he looks so serious when he says these things to me. I now know how to deal with patients.

But it gets me thinking, when these ridiculous things happen in class or when I see something obscure, I just think of texting you because I know you would understand and laugh with me. Or when I am watching some show that I eventually realize has been quoted by you or you have told me to watch its just another reminder of you. I guess sometimes it doesnt feel like you are quite so far. But really, you are way far, and I hate that a little bit. Perhaps this is what it feels like to really care about someone, or maybe I am just going crazy. They both seem like viable options lately.

The Dangers of Texting

You hear about how dangerous it is to text while driving. Some may even compare it to Drunk Driving. And recently, it has become illegal in many places. They have crazy videos that show utter destruction and death from this. Hence, we may see the dangers it can bring.

However, who ever talks about texting and walking? Personally, I think it is much more dangerous. I mean just today I walked into a fence.

So who makes these laws? Who decides what makes one activity so much more dangerous than another? Really, I think its great that they are trying to keep people safe, but sometimes I do think about natural selection and I wonder how people lived before there were a gazillion laws for everything.

Immunizations

Sometimes we get vaccines. And some people dont. And this isnt a post to cause a debate about immunizations, because I do have some strong opinions on the subject as many people do, but that is so not the point.

So sometimes we get these vaccines to make us immune to something. Something harmful and potentially life threatening. It is a security measure. But what about when you take those precautions but your body rejects them and you are still not immune. Then what do you do?

All you can do is be glad its just a few more shots and some money that you have to pay for them. It would be worse if you found out you had one of the diseases. Not being immune is not the end of the world. Its just a speed bump.

How often do we think some decision or action from ages ago, maybe even decades ago, will suffice now? I think that we have to actively be making and remaking important decisions to protect ourselves. Whether that decision means sticking to beliefs, or working on goals or just letting go, we cant count on a decision from our awkward teen years to help us forever. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize you arent immune anymore. And life is so hard as it is. So if you dont know where you stand because somewhere along the way something didnt take, well, you are just setting yourself up for life to be even harder than it has to be.

So maybe every so often we need to stop and check in with ourselves and see if we are still immune and protected and safe, or if we need to change course and try a new vaccine, something else to help protect who we are.

Letters on Paper

He went on a mission for 2 years. Our only means of communicating was through letters. I was lucky to get one a month and I would keep each of those letters in a special box so I could reread them as if it meant he was not so far.

She went on a mission for 18 months. Before she left I wrote her letters, for all of those times I would want to be by her side. That way it was like she hadnt left me for so long. We still wrote regular letters, but this way when she needed a best friend I could be there still.

She went to Egypt. I wrote her letters for all of the things I thought she would need someone to be there for. I mean egypt could have sketchy internet, I just didnt know.

I moved to Australia. She wrote me 4 letters and the night before I left she gave them to me. I kept these letters treasured. I didnt want to open them at the wrong time. Sunday I opened the first one. I cried for ages.

I had always wondered how other people felt when they got letters that I sent, or when they opened the prewritten letters for those days when loneliness or pain was reigning. I think I now know. Everything I needed to hear was in that letter. The next day I got 2 Christmas cards in the mail.

When distance causes hugs and first hand love to be prevented from being shared letters are the next best thing. I keep those photos and the words and the snowman and the cards so close. I thought it would be hard to be loved so far away, and at some moments I feel like I have never been more loved.

Thank you for knowing I would feel alone Mum and writing me letters. I love you.

The Waiting Place

A most uselesss place. "No! that's not for you! You'll somehow escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

Dr. Seuss got it so right. And thats exactly how I was feeling this morning. I felt so lost and trapped and realized it was because I had wandered into that waiting place and I had allowed everything to become stagnant as I attempted to just wait. I would wait for a conversation or anything that might show how you felt. But mostly I was waiting for a decision. But today I realized I cant do this forever. Right now everything reminds me of you, and thats great. But I dont want to feel like I am holding back because you are not sure what you want. I think I just put too much pressure on something that really will just happen or not happen and I am not in control of it, so I should just go with whatever happens instead of avidly waiting. I hate the waiting place and it hates me right back. So I am leaving the waiting place, and what happens, happens.

And as soon as I realized that I felt incredible. I broke 6 miles and by far had my best run since I moved here. I came to terms with everything for once, and I did it without relying on someone else, well besides Dr Seuss and his infinite words of wisdom. So I have checked out of the waiting place. I still want you to come, basically more than anything, but now I am just going to keep living and if you decide to come and be a part of that, awesome.

ps. this would be the one post that might actually be decent for you to read. No pressure on it anymore.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

I hate it when you are doing a puzzle and you get to the end and then realize a piece or two is missing. It kinda feels like a slap in the face. Lately, thats basically how I feel. I am not sure why though. Its like I am trying to do school, and be socialish with the other physios without putting myself in situations that would compromise my standards, and I am trying to see the girls and other churchy people enough without missing out on studying. And I am really trying hard to run enough miles, but its so hot and I wake up so exhausted that sometimes my runs just feel like failures. And sometimes I just end up sitting there realizing that time is passing by and I cant manage to get anything productive done no matter how hard I try.

I thought all the pieces were here. I was exercising, and studying, and making friends. But I think somewhere along the path things got missed. Perhaps loving Jesus more in an outward sense would help. Or just skyping with my mother and seeing her face. Or maybe just talking to that one person that I havent talked to in a few days but always knows what to say. I am not exactly sure what it will take, I just know that the first step is realizing something is missing. So now onto step two, its time to figure it out and get back on track.

What Physio and Hookers Have in Common

Today I made a realization. It is basically like I am paying a fortune to learn to be a hooker. I get to class and spend time with my shirt off, or with my partners shirt off. I then grab their butt several times as I try and help them scoot forward to go from sitting to standing. Or hold their hips and pelvis to coordinate a bridge. Then there are the times when I am palpating which often involves a hand or two on the chest. There are also the scenarios involving paraplegia where I find my body pressed against their legs and am all up in their face while trying to stabilize them through movement. This sort of thing goes on for hours a day. Then there are the times when you are in the spotlight and you find a dozen or more people staring at you in your bra but by this point it already seems normal.

When you think about it, it is like I am paying to learn how to be comfortable in wearing next to nothing with strangers and to touching people in generally more personal areas. Yes, some days it feels like I am learning how to be a Hooker.

26.2

I just decided I am going to run a marathon. I feel motivated to at this moment. Carpe Diem. Last time I felt this motivated I trained for and ran a half. So why not? Tomorrow is day one of training. Just tonight I was saying how I needed a distraction, voila, I have found it. I figure if I can stick to the schedule this will be the biggest distraction possible outside of classes. Hopefully this does not kill me.

Good Will Hunting

"You are not perfect sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she's not perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you are perfect for each other. Thats the whole deal Thats what intimacy is all about."

I feel inspired.

The Snake at the Bottom of the Stairs

Upon returning from my run this morning I saw a small snake at the bottom of the stairs. I was terrified of course. I heard that the little snakes are the ones that can kill you. Plus I had only ever seen a snake in the wild once before. So I ran up the stairs and got ready for class. Much to my dismay the snake was still there staring at me with its evil eyes when I left for class. So when I was finally returning home in the early evening I started to pysch myself out. I thought of what to do when this snake bit me, would I go to the neighbours who I dont know? Would I phone someone? Would I run inside to our visiting travellers and ask them what to do? I had no idea. I was petrified. And then I got home, and the snake was gone.

Hours later I was still distraught so I asked my roommate. Apparently its a blue-tongued lizard that just looked like a snake because its legs are so little. Shoot.

But how often do we misinterpret something? Or pre-judge and never actually stop and take in a situation? Honestly, I do it all the time. I assume something and psych myself out of things that really should not be stressed over prematurely. I freak out about things that could be solved with a conversation because I am too scared to ask the big questions and the ones that matter. But sometimes you have to. I had to come inside and shower before class even if I thought it was a snake waiting to attack me. And sometimes I have to know what page someone else is on. So instead of just thinking that those beady eyes are laying in the bushes waiting to attack us at our most vulnerable moments maybe its time to take a closer look and actually be brave and take the situation for what it is.

Sometimes a snake is not a snake at all.

Accept That Your Entering Into a Situation That's Uncertain

I often find that quotes from TV shows often depict my exact feelings at that moment. Bones did not fail me tonight. A lot of life, if not all of it, is uncertain. We never know whats coming next and that often leads to fear, backtracking and pushing for things to stay the same. Fear of the unknown is such a strong, driving force. I often find myself compelled to look for ways out of unknown situations or for clarity. Its like walking into a dark cave, you have no idea whats up ahead and you would do anything for some light. But that would take away the unknown factor, and with that half the fun.

So as I find myself starting to wander along a new and unknown path I am trying not to incessantly freak out or to turn back. I think there is potential for a lot of adventure on this path but it just requires some faith and patience, and I think I can handle that. So I am accepting the unknown in this situation and just going forward with it.

Little Links of Technology

It doesnt feel far away because I know your on the other side. All it takes is a quick text, or a fb message or chat or skype and all of a sudden its like we are together. And sometimes its like I dont even have to be talking to someone from home, just knowing they are on the other side and all it takes is a few keystrokes to connect is all I need.It makes the world seem so small.

But then again I feel like everyday the world is a little bigger. I meet someone from Scotland and they tell me about their travels for the last 6 months and how they have 5 left, then I realize how little I have seen. I have 2 years to acquaint myself with this part of the world and I need to get on it. I am thinking with my February break I will try and see a place or two. I feel like you know so little about the world til you actually see it. I could use some more culture in my life thats for sure. After I graduate I really want to do Europe so hopefully it works out that way.

Regardless, I like how all I have to do is open my laptop to feel like I am everything but alone.

One plus zero plus zero

I feel like its some sort of monumental milestone to have blogged about the random things in my life one hundred times. I am a fan of milestones, they show progression and growth, its like they are people standing at the sidelines of a race telling you that you can do it and to keep going. I guess I just feel like this milestone signifies my growth since I started writing.

Everything has changed in the last year or so. I finished up my four years in Utah, I had the opportunity to spend a whole month enveloped in yoga, I survived some really trying times and came out a better person, and I got into grad school and moved across the world. All in all, I think the last year has been exceptional for milestones. But more importantly, these posts depict the people that have changed my life, the ones that have rescued me in times of despair and the ones that have taught me so much and adventured with me. Most posts are my way of saying thank you for being part of my life, when I dont know how to say it any other way.

So today it is time to start reaching towards new milestones, to find myself progressing further on my path of life. And to realize my potential and the opportunities I have to be that person for someone else. Namaste.

I lied. It wasnt entirely because I was just wondering. But you know that, thats why you asked.

The Art of Dreaming

To me dreams are a form of science. Its neurons firing, or misfiring and the brain trying to make sense of those messages being fired, therefore putting them into a story. And voila, we have a dream. Although I feel like I grasp this concept and understand how dreams occur it does not change my opinion. I do not like dreaming. I do not like waking up in the morning wishing some crazy love story dream was real. But more than that, I hate the ever haunting nightmares that leave me waking up with tears streaming down my face. So as much I know that people find beauty in dreams, and think they have relevance to life or meanings, well I just dont feel the same. I would rather feel the numbness waking up after a sleep induced by medicine than wake up feeling exhausted from a night or restlessness and feeling haunted. Maybe its time for me to realize that moving just changes your location, and really, the slate is not as clean as it appears.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I actually feel like that describes my life a little in some ways. I let my imagination take hold of ideas and run vampant. Its like I cant help it. I get an idea and then I just think of how amazing it could be and it just keeps going and going. And the more I think about it the more excited I get for this idea and I start planning every second out in my mind. And then at some point I realize it was just a fantasy, just me wishing something would happen. And all at once its like someone lifts the curtain and I realize it was all just a show, a facade, and nothing was real. And yet I dont regret allowing my fantasies to grow because sometimes they provide hope or comfort or just something to look forward too. And every so often they come true.

I felt like I should bang my head against the mirror tonight as I realized my latest was so beautiful but twisted. And as I listened to this album I realized it was pretty much entitled for these moments in my life. If it was real it would be beautiful, we would be beautiful, but every single thing about it seems so messed up and twisted and impossible and the bleakness that is reality surrounding it is so dark, and that changes nothing. After I hit post its not like I will suddenly wake up from this fantasy and forget that I ever imagined it. I will continue sitting here trying to occupy my mind but really I will just be thinking of the possibilities and how to make it real. Thats just how it works with me. This time I have decided to just let it happen, dreams and fantasies are just another part of embracing life and so if it means I get my hopes up a little too high and one day it comes crashing down, thats okay, because at least I know its just a fantasy, but its my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, and today I love it.

Three Words

Often you think of those three simple words as "I Love You". Definately not where this post is going. So get your mind out of the love sick gutter that so easily drowns people.

I was thinking along the lines of "i miss you". A phrase so common and yet I think it means a lot. I can think of times when I have said it to people I would not see for an extended period of time, but really I didnt mean it. It was more like a "I am being polite so I am saying I will miss you, or I have missed you, or any variation of such, but reality is I do not care about your life" and there are the people who you say it to because they said it first. Those are not real. They are just the natural instincts of people trying to save face and to appear to be so kind and caring.

But sometimes you say it and it means more than anything else could. I was rereading my journal from the morning I left Calgary and how much I missed my sister. Saying goodbye to her and telling her how much I was going to miss her was heart breaking. And those three tearful words meant everything.

And then sometimes it is said and it catches you off guard. Maybe because you didnt think they would miss you, or maybe because you didnt want to admit that you missed them. But those surprises are the best. It is like putting on pajamas fresh out of the dryer when they are all warm and perfect.

Since I know you occasionally find yourself reading this, or at least say you do in order to leave me flustered, I figured I would let you know that I really do miss you.

What Really is Reality?

I think reality is something to ponder, and not just because of the recent movie Inception, which did make me ponder it and the effects of dreams.

Sometimes I just wonder what makes things seem real to us. What gives us that distinction between imagination, dreaming and reality? And how do we lose sight of what is real when we know its real?

I spent yesterday with kangaroos and koalas and it was epic and beautiful and I look at the photos and it feels surreal. The fact that I live in Australia doesnt seem real. And when I talk to people back home or think about life back home it seems like a dream sometimes. Its like I expect to wake up in the morning and be back in the Ikea house in Provo or back home. And yet I wake up each day and live life here.

And then there are the things I wish were real, and sometimes I think I wish so hard that I almost believe they are real. Like unicorns. Or like seeing someone from home. I feel like if I want it enough or wish enough and let my imagination run vampant it will happen. But thats not reality.

So I think its easy for me to lose sight of reality. And I think that is a beautiful thought sometimes. The ability to embrace life but to not lose your imagination creates excitement and joy. So I guess even though sometimes I cant believe things have happened to me, that clearly have, its nice to be able to let go and to move on but embrace the future and the memories of the past.

Maybe reality is what we chose to believe and take with us. I think we each have our own reality and its not something fixed, its ever changing.

Words.

"Make everyday worth it while you're over there."

They are just words. Words strung together to make a sentence. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean we each do it a few gazillion times a day. But yah, thanks. Sometimes your words are put together to say exactly what I need to hear. And everytime it surprises me. Perhaps you do know me better than I thought.

Regardless, I think sometimes we need to put more thought into the words we choose, instead of just throwing them out there for the sake of speaking. Yah, I like talking, and most people know that, but perhaps it would be a little better if I stopped once and awhile and carefully thought about each word and made them count a little more. Everyday should be spent bettering yourself and the world around you so its just another thing to consider.

All I really know is that when you say just the right thing it changes everything for someone else.

Vanquishing Homesickness

I expected to move here and be super homesick. I mean I left with a lot of tearful goodbyes and I was moving kinda far. But then I got here and life just went. I didnt feel huge pangs of loneliness, I wasnt crying myself to sleep, life just continued.

Then today it hit. Maybe because the novelty was wearing off, maybe because I had a job interview making it all more real. Maybe because it was American Thanksgiving, a day for families. I dont know. All I know is it all became more real today.

I got to skype with my mum, which was definately needed but I guess it just was a harder day than most. But then I guess someone was looking out for me.

I got a phone call asking about my evening plans, well of course I didnt have any. She would have known if I did. So she told me we were going to hang out with the boys. I was like sure. Then she asked more about my day and stuff and mentioned she read my blog. I didnt think anything of it, until she said no one should be alone when they are homesick. So she arranged for a get together tonight, for me. I guess maybe nothing like this has ever happened for me. And especially not with someone I just met 2 days ago. So if you end up reading this, thanks, you are like a guardian angel. I just hope one day I can make you feel a fraction of the joy you brought to my tears tonight.

ps thank you. I almost cried when I got home because I felt so lucky to have met you guys.

The Second Annual Travis Turkey Trot

Last American Thanksgiving I found myself stuck in the states. A place most Canadians would love to be on that weekend, however, I just wanted to be home. With exams and expensive flights it just didnt pan out.

So Thanksgiving morning I went for a Turkey Trot with my friend Travis. Now let me preface this with saying Travis would run 5Ks etc all the time and he would win them. So my level or running and his are not even like in the same book. Yet I was dumb enough to be like "yah, this will be such a great way to start the day". So we ran, and I thought I was going to die. I did, however, make a mental note not to run with Travis anymore, and well, running before 2 freaking massive dinners was a good idea.

So today in Australia it would be American Thanksgiving. And instead of being with my family, or sitting through 2 dinners at a dear friends grandparents homes, I find myself alone. It gave me my first tinge or homesickness. So I went for a run, in memory of the Turkey Trot with Travis. That way at least something feels like how it should today.

Happy American Thanksgiving Day, I wish I was there.

ps I am grateful for the technology that keeps my family feeling close on the days when I realize they are literally across the world.

A Pet Jellyfish.

I think I would like a pet jellyfish. One to just sit in a fishbowl on my desk.

Sometimes my life feels surreal. Its like I am living in a dream, and I dont know what to make of it. I have been here for a whole week already, its crazy. Yesterday some of my friends ate Kangaroo, which is super wierd, but to think that I am in a place where people eat kangaroos just blows my mind.

I wish it felt more real. It just seems normal though, as if this is what I had always planned would happen. I went to Harry Potter last night, and it was so incredible, I mean I love Harry Potter. But to just go to the movies with some friends is like what I would do anywhere else. I guess I am really glad I dont cry myself to sleep everynight aching to be home, but in some ways I just want this to feel real, to feel like its actually my life.

I suppose having a pet jellyfish would not accomplish that at all, but still, it would be nice.

Typical

Typical me. I think I already have a crush.

04 uhm.. uhh..

Its hard to memorize a new phone number . Not because its new, well sorta, but mostly because it doesnt even have the same amount of numbers and they are separated all funny. So I had not tried. No one knows me here really, so its not like I am constantly asked for a number. The few times it has happened I just looked it up. Simple really.

I had made 2 darling new friends yesterday and tonight they picked me up. We were mingling with some other people later in the evening and lo and behold it came out that I wanted to go to the beach. The next thing I knew my number was being repeated, loudly, across the room. Wait what? Cid decided I would go to the beach with the boys tomorrow so she was making sure all of the boys had my number so they could come get me. I am overly shy for the most part and would never have had the courage to ask this attractive boy to take me to the beach with his friends, I didnt even know his name.

So now who knows how many people have my number, I would guess at least 4 in that room took note of it. I think this will be my new way to make friends, I will just wait for Cid to share my number with people while I awkwardly attempt to remember what my number is, it seemed to work this time. So thanks dear. Oh and apparently some boy has my address and will get me before noon tomorrow. That was easy.

Stereotyping

Sure, I have strong opinions and I voice them. Sometimes that means stereotyping. Ask any of my American friends, especially after I first moved there, I grouped all Americans into a group labelled "ignorant idiots". Let me clarify, I love the Americans though. My 4 years there changed everything and I am a much better person because of their influence. So the point is, stereotypes are ridiculous. I mean sometimes they seem to work. I have yet to meet an asian who drives well, and most americans are ignorant, but that doesnt mean there are not some asians who drive better than me, and I did meet some americans who actually knew tons about everything and were open minded.

And now that I think about it, besides the general Canadian stereoptypes that were my life for a few years I have never really been lumped into any sort of sterotype. But I think I was sorta lumped into one the other day.

"Healthy Freak"

I am pretty sure thats the only way to describe it. I was out walking with some speech path girls and they knew I was currently living a vegetarian lifestyle (since we had just had lunch they knew) and we got talking about work. I mentioned how I really wanted to teach yoga since I am certified. They were surprised. It then came up that my background was a bachelors in Exercise Science, and you could tell they were already starting to form some opinions. Then we walked past the pool and got talking about swimming. The one girl, bless her heart, doesnt really know how to swim so I offered to teach her, mentioning my extensive history with lifeguarding and teaching swimming. A little bit later we talked about sports or something and it came out that I was starting training again for my second half marathon. I was then informed that I am super healthy and crazy.

Perhaps with that information it seems that way. Maybe in some ways I have tendencies that steer me towards health but then again all I want right now is a chocolate bar. So as much as I might even want to be lumped into that group its not true. I love eating chips and chocolate bars and just watching tv. So I think I have a well rounded lifestyle, not a healthy freak one.So I think since I am starting fresh here I am going to avoid stereotyping people and actually just try and get to know them. It seems like a good idea on paper.

Apple Life

Apple products are taking over the world.

I rewarded myself with a 30gb Ipod when I was 18. It was a gift for my hardwork in preparing for my grade 8 royal conservatory piano exam. I loved that Ipod. Since then it has been through many difficult and trying situations, leaving it, well, nearly dead in every way. But Spartacus and I have many fond memories together.

A Christmas or two later I got an Ipod shuffle for Christmas. Due to my uncanny ability to destroy precious things it found its way into the washing machine a few weeks later. It was tragic. Another year or so later I found myself on the recieving end of a new shuffle during a white elephant game as my little sister knew what had happened to my shuffle and she felt so awful about it. Beatrice, my new shuffle, loves long runs.

Onto the graduation of university. My first laptop was a toshiba PC. And I loved it. Until it sucked. Part of that is my fault since I dropped it a few times as I epically fell while walking, or because I expected it to work miracles that it could not do. When this laptop surpassed its last limb and was dead more than it was functioning I knew I only had one choice. A Macbook Pro. Justin and I grew close very quickly, and spend too many hours together daily.

Fortunately, when you are a student buying a macbook in just the right months you find yourself recieving an Itouch. So there it was, my Itouch joined my ever increasing mac family. Since the arrival of this Itouch came as I was finally about to beat Pokemon Blue on my Gameboy Colour, he was named Charzard, and has lived up to that name.

Upon my arrival in Australia I knew a phone would be essential. I planned on yet another crap phone for when I needed to get into contact with someone. Except I actually wanted a decent phone for once. I was hoping for a blackberry. Then it turned out those are ultra pricey here, but I was informed that I could get an Iphone 4 for no money down, 60 a month, with unlimited international texting and tons of data and calls. So, surprisingly enough, I ended up with an Iphone. Coraline is the newest member to my Mac family and is so happy to be a part of it.

So, as you can now see, Apple products are worming their way into my life and slowly taking over the world. At least I am naming them, and making them human like, ergo making their world domination more plausible.

Canadian life in Brisbane

It feels like I am in Canada.

Perhaps because two nights ago I had dinner with 12 other Canadians.

Perhaps because yesterday I had 2 orientations, lunch and a tour with fellow Canadians.

And perhaps because today I went to the market and the mall, taking 2 buses and the city cat with another Canadian.

I suppose when most of your time is spent with people from Canada, well, it just doesnt seem like you have left. You forget that everyone else has an accent, and that you are somewhere tropical and that its foreign.

I think this has stopped me from feeling the unbearable pains of homesickness.

So I am grateful for the taste of Canada that has been ever so present in my life the last 3 days.

Its Different Here.

It freaks me out that they drive on the other side. So when I cross the road I look both ways like 3 times since I can never figure out which way the cars will come from.

They walk on the opposite side of the sidewalk too, and when all you do is walk, well its wierd.

And everyone has an accent, I wonder if they all think I have an accent.

And its like a tropical forest when I walk through campus.

So far thats it. But it was only a few hours. Its not that different. I mean they still speak english. Oh but there are a million asians here. Which reminds me of working at Cardel.

Change (Day One)

I believe that humans were made to resist change. We like things to stay the same, because we understand that. We resist it when things shift because it is forcing us into an unknown. If change is inevitable than we do anything in our power to keep things the same. Today was a day of change. And looking back on the last few hours I can see my innate desire to resist these changes.

In the airport I watched Paper Heart and Coraline. Two of my favourite movies. And I did this to give me a feeling of home, something familiar. Then when I got to my house I just wanted a shower with familiar shampoo and clothes that reminded me of home. On campus I listened to Taylor Swift and the first thing I bought here was a Boost drink- yes, it is the same as booster juice! In fact, some of the names are even the same. That was like drinking home. I watched Gossip Girl to ground me and then ate Subway for dinner. I know, it seems like I am doing the same things I would do if I had not left, but heres the thing, I am just trying to cope with the changes.

Today I moved literally to the other side of the world. I was dropped off at a house where I knew no one. I moved into this random house, and it is amazing. I fumbled my way to campus and found the bank, set a few things up there, talked to someone about getting a phone and am now waiting for them to get the one I want in and then wandered campus. I found the building where my classes are, twice, which will be beneficial and I didnt get lost really finding my house.

So as much as I am resisting change, I am embracing it. Welcome to my future in Australia.

Tuesday Never Happened

I literally never had a Tuesday. I fell asleep on the plane and it was Monday night. I woke up just before 3am Wednesday. No I did not sleep through all of Tuesday. I just crossed over 20 hours so suddenly Tuesday didnt happen. So then it was Wednesday.
Wednesday meant it was real. I actually moved to Brisbane. So here I am. Sitting in my house, which is gorgeous, and chatting on fb. It does not even seem real. I went to the campus and its like a tropical rainforest. Mixed in with like a flair of mexico or california. Everything is outdoors. So not like Canada or Utah. And then they have people selling things between buildings. Its so lovely. I think I will love this place. But for today it seems like a dream.

Sometimes Random Roommate equals Soulmate

http://kaitlinrosegraff.blogspot.com/2010/11/turk-and-jb-bid-farewell.html

So I read this in the airport. Before flight 2. And I cried. Kaitlin changed my life, and was there for me in the worst times. Times when no one knew how dark things were, and before I even knew. She was there this summer when I broke and has been there for every happy moment too. 3.5 years and still going strong. I love you Kaity.

ps I will do a better ode to our love when I am not crying in an airport.
pps I am shaking I am so nervous right now.

Last Day

Tomorrow I fly to Utah.
Monday I fly to Australia.
I guess its real.
I am moving across the world, alone.
Now that I sit here with my suitcases packed, and just a few things on the floor its hitting me.
I am terrified.
What was I thinking?
I just wanted something to do with my life.
I didnt want to work yet.
So here I am.
About to move across the world.
To a place that apparently has large spiders.
I am terrified of spiders.
I just hope its lovely there.
It will be lovely there, it has to be.
I am freaking out.
Why didnt someone say "Lauren what the *@&# are you thinking? Moving across the world alone is scary and you have no idea what you are doing and its costing you more money that you had ever imagined"
But no one said that.
So I am doing it.
I will blog lots.
And cry lots too probably.
But today is my last day here, and I look beautiful.
So its time for some last minute loving.

xo. Next post will be from my new home.

Goblin Babies.

I didnt see them at first, they were so perfectly set in the crib. Then it was pointed out. You actually have Goblin Babies in your crib. Only during the day it seems, or when you are home. Which makes sense, its just good parenting. I mean, we cant just leave goblin babies out on the lawn in a crib when its dark out. That would be ridiculous. Overall, I love your goblin babies, and I perhaps lust after them a little because they are so glorious. And Goblin Babies are wierd, sure, but I think that expressing those weird inner thoughts just shows personality or insanity. Regardless, I love those goblin babies on your lawn.

Fourteen.

Fourteen Days is equal to two weeks.
Which is equal to my time left in Calgary.
I dont know where the days all went.
I clearly remember that moment in the hotel room in Butte when I opened the email that changed my future.
It was conditional acceptance.
I cried.
But it was surreal.
Just something that was now an option, nothing official.
And now its only fourteen days til I hop a plane.
It is real.
I am such a short step away from moving to Australia.
I want to make the most of each day here.
And not because its goodbye, its not.
Its more a Dasvedanya situation again.
Just waiting til we meet again.
Yes, each day needs to be productive and beautiful.
I love Canada, and am scared to leave it.
But I am initially leaving it for Utah, which is pure love.
So I guess there is no room for tears.
An email changed my life.
My life is beautiful.

XO.

I love how you love Gossip Girl too. You are the best. I am glad you were magically in town this weekend and we could have booster juice date night, even though booster juice was closed. gah, catching up was so great. Which has led me to even more thinking than before. You are so insightful, and encouraging. Maybe I will go for it. Maybe I will say something. I hope you can come visit me in Australia. That would be amazing. Oh and I adore you. Too bad you have been living in Van. Oh well. I am so happy you were in town and that tonight was so perfect.xo.

Inspiration or was it Perspiration

One: How many people does it take to make a difference?

I read that title on your coffee table one day and wanted it instantly, yet its been hard to come by. But it has crossed my mind several times over the months. It really does just take one person to make a difference, and yet that change has to begin with ourselves.

This week I found myself re-inspired. I have nothing stopping me anymore, no more lame excuses or things to fall back on that can be blamed for stunted progress. It is time to move on. And I feel so ready to begin that change within myself.

Today I started training for another half marathon. Day one. I ran 2.5 miles. I was actually satisfied, its been 4 months since my first half and it killed me, nearly. Physically I am finally at a place where I can train again and emotionally I feel more stable. So the training begins. I leave in 5 weeks so I would like to be in a solid routine by then. I am planning on doing yoga on my off days to cross train. This will be epic.

Along with the physical renewal I am ready to take control of my life. I move to Australia in 5 weeks. I should be living there for the next two and a half years. So its time to plan a life there. I started touching up my resume and working on a cover letter today. I also am going to get back on top of practicing teaching yoga so I will be more prepared. Yesterday I had a business dinner about finances. Yes, I am ready to take control of my life.

Please feel welcome to join me in the self search for the best me, because I am ready to be that person, and to make a difference in someones life. xo.

The Letter M.

I have resorted to blaming things out of my control on the letter M. It is all much more logical in my head. However, if you want me to visit, then ask me. You know I would be much more inclined to try and make that happen if you asked. Instead, you have resorted to asking other people to tell me to come, or telling me other reasons to come. Do you feel like if you say it, then its admitting that there is something there? Its okay, I mean we both know I am leaving so we cant get attached. Just say it. Secondly, you are such a dork. Maybe I will show up at your parents for dinner, haha, that would be ridiculous. We will go get your ladder instead. But really, bets? Come on, we should just talk about it. So because I find that most of my mass confusion is a result of the lack of open communication about emotionally related things involving people that have names that start with M, I think I will blame M.

A Life Lived to Its Fullest

You are an inspiration. You achieved what most people could only dream of. You battled cancer 4 times and never gave up hope. You always put your faith in God first and never looked back. You and your beautiful wife are a constant reminder of true love. And you have left a legacy, one that will be hard to come close to.

In loving memory, Timothy Lance Harriman. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, to live with more courage, to face my fears and to never let my faith in God falter. You will be missed by so many, but know that you truly changed thousands of lives.

Hundreds of days to a conclusion I knew from the start.

Nearly a year and a half. Filled with letters I would never send. Boys I would just compare to you. Moving away thinking it would resolve everything. And yet here I am. Almost where I was before, except in such a different place. I have changed in most ways. I met you and was so insecure and lost and just trying to find something to grasp onto to find an identity. And now I know exactly what I want for a future, I have direction, I understand my own religion better and I have a greater appreciation for life. I also learned what it means to truly be there for someone, and have someone there for me even in the most inopportune times. I thought that first time we talked I knew, and now I know I was so wrong then. You invade my dreams, and my workplace and my mind. And I cant help but fall for you a little more everyday. I spent that year and a half telling myself to get over you, and that I was over you, and that I would be over you for good. I was wrong. I currently cant imagine being over you, ever. I cant help but to think if there was not that one difference that things would be so different right now. You say the right person comes at the right time. I think i disagree. Love is so inopportune. Perhaps I do love you. Regardless, I am a better person for knowing you, and I will always be grateful for that.

ps too bad you dont read my blog.

Ineffable

I finally found a way to describe it all. Ineffable. There is no real way to put it in words. I am trying to, because I see how it tears you up when you dont, but there is not way to make you see how I feel or to make it go away. I cried through dinner last night. Not because the food sucked or anything, it was actually an enjoyable vietnamese meal. But because life is so hard, and everything here reminds me of that. Everytime I see your faces I am reminded a little bit of how we are broken. And now little things keep reminding me that you died Heather, its real, you are gone. And now Tim is gone and Christa is alone. I cant imagine being a widow. And its all real. And it hurts so freaking bad sometimes. I kept telling myself Heather was still here, but shes not. And I didnt want to believe cancer won and now someone else is feeling loss, so until I asked for work off for the funeral and read the obituary it didnt seem real. And until I realized that you were never coming back and I have to learn to rebuild my life and to try and mend myself it didnt seem real either.

So its ineffable. I cant explain to you why somedays I feel overwhelemed with sadness. Why sometimes its hard to see past the pain. It doesnt make sense. I cant understand why two beautiful people in their early twenties are gone. I dont understand how you can stop loving someone. I dont understand the bigger picture.

I have faith. I know things will get better, and some days they are beautiful. But being here is a constant reminder of the pain. Of the loss. Of the brokenness that has become a part of me. So I am sorry. I am sorry I cant be stronger for other people. I am sorry I sometimes dont call or remind you that I love you all. But I cant explain to you what is going on. I cant put words to the hollow feeling that haunts me sometimes. I cant express to you how I see the happiness and the progress I am making and the future I am building while at the same time feeling like their is little hope and that I will never heal.

The emotions I feel and the brain process and illogicality of it all is not something I can explain. I just need more time. I need to start letting myself heal. And being here feels like I am letting the wounds just be tugged at so they wont heal. I dont expect you to understand, because I dont. And I dont expect it to go away, because now I know it wont. But it wont define me forever. It just will a little bit today. So next time when you realize you are not okay, dont feel pressured to explain it, sometimes feelings and brokenness are just ineffable. And I accept that. And its okay. Everything will be okay.

Sunday Routine.

You get home from your visit at 730.

We put in Peter Pan.

You get us 2 bananas.

We get my dinosaur blanket.

And we lay on mums bed and watch the first hour.

Then mum notices I have kept you up too late again and she puts you to bed.

We love Sunday nights.

Over Vietnamese I made the Bet to end all Bets

It was just a lovely lunch. Catching up. Candid conversation. Everything you could ask for in a perfect lunch. And then it happened. You said you wanted to make a bet. I thought it was a joke, but you were persistant and then chose what you wanted.

If I lose, I have to fly you to Australia to see me.

If I win, you have to fly me to Europe so I can backpack after I graduate.

I hope you dont cry when you have to pay for my flight. There is no way I am losing this one.

A,B,C,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z

Sometimes things are missing in life. Today it was all of the charts between C and T. Which has left me so overly confused about how awkward the filing is in that office. C'est la vie.

But as most things, I feel like there is more to it. This doesnt just have to be about the mess of an office with major components of the alphabet just entirely missing I feel like it can be about my life. Sometimes I feel like things are so complete, but to the outside eye the view is so different. There are always gaps in our lives that seem so blatantly obvious to others but are residing entirely in our blindspot. I think I can see a lot of room for self improvement. So I am trying to take that perspective of an awkward outsider so I can see those wholes screaming for reasoning and longing to be filled.

I suppose these two months of transition are going to provide a lot of enlightening opportunities. Even through I was not really planning on that, but I suppose that is how life works. So I am off to find my missing letters of the alphabet. xo.

I Heard A Rumour About Writing Down Goals for People to See

So I read a lot of random things about goal setting, and becoming your best self, and about changing to become the changes you wish to see in the world. Perhaps this is because I read some yoga literature, perhaps its because I just find people recommend those sorts of books to me, or perhaps its because I like those books most. Regardless, I read them and often feel a huge super strong desire to become better. So here is me taking one little baby step towards becoming my best self.

Goal Setting.

I am becoming committed to this goal so I am writing it down Feel free to remind me of it and threaten to punch me if I am not following through (please do not for real punch me, I am fragile, xo).

Goal. Get in shape, mentally, physically and emotionally, before moving to school.

Completion Date. November 14, 2010 (estimated departure date)

Breaking it down.

• Getting back up to 9 mile runs by running 4 times a week
• Getting back to a regular 6 day a week yoga practice (starting with meditation until I hit 4 weeks post op)
• Cutting out sweets and going more organic, salads, fruits, etc ( we all know I prefer that anyways, its just pure laziness on my part when I falter all the time)
• journal at least 3 times a week for my emotional well-being.

I know these may seem basic to some people, or ridiculous or whatever. But these are those little goals that when I am on top of them I am really truly more happy. And I kinda want to find my best and most content and most peaceful self. So in striving to be my best me I am going to work on these things. And I am so hoping that this blog entry will make me more motivated.

So here goes nothing. Tomorrow is day one of dedicating more time and effort and love to myself. xo

Influence. (How my life has been shaped through music not of my own)

I believe that music is paramountly influential. And because of this belief I would like to record a few artists that have shaped me and the reasons for their beautiful influence.

First off, Jonathan Jones. Not only is he an incredible musician he has also become a dear friend that I love to see. His solo album as well as both of his major bands, Waking Ashland and We Shot The Moon, have been major players in my musical life. I find his soothing voice and the integration of keyboard to be calming and to bring about the same peace they first brought in high school when I fell in love with Waking Ashland. Basically, I love that music and it only holds good memories that expand across many years.

Regina Spektor. This last year I have really gravitated towards her music as I find that her voice really touches me. Also half of her songs make me laugh and the other half seem to evoke emotion. She first came into my musical scene after "Us" was the most perfect song for "500 Days of Summer" to open to. So I love her.

Tegan and Sara. Possibly the artists that have wrote a soundtrack of my life, at least it feels that way. I mean I have been following their music for the last 5 plus years and never been disappointed. Also this year it was my snowboarding music. Sainthood could not have better prepared me for days on the mountain. xo.

Houston Calls. Although with only two albums they broke up I have fallen in love with so many of their songs I really have nothing to complain about. Bob and Bonnie will likely be my wedding song since for me it depicts an ideal relationship. But I think more in general their music is real, it talks about real experiences and I can think of crappy relationships, or good ones, or close friends. It just speaks to me.

Death Cab for Cutie. If there was just one band that I had to choose that has wrote songs about all of my inner most feelings this would be it. Death Cab touches on the things people are often scared to say, or the tragedies that we try to hide from. Thinking about death or falling into a drifting relationship, or settling in marriage are all hard things, but they are so thought out and explored along with so many other topics that Death Cab will always have a piece of my heart.

Dashboard Confessional. Yes I have seen Chris Carrabba play several times and I do love his music but it has been a rough journey for us. I was indifferent, then loved it, then hated it because of an ex then learned to re-love it. So dashboard, your songs are great for mellow days, yoga and sometimes helping me sleep. Thank you.

And Then I Turned Seven. This little known emo band, now known as Jamestown Story, will always be a favourite of mine. Yah, the music is pretty emo, but I love it. I love the outpouring of emotion, the pain, the aching, the tragedy. I personally like to know that someone else has felt as low as I have, that someone else knows what loss, and death and depression can feel like, but that there is hope. I find their music inspiring, always.

Motion City Soundtrack. I dont even know when motion city became such a huge part of my life, but it did. I love them live, I love their cds and I love memories involving them. Warped with Sanchez was ideal and they were my main reason for being there. I mean I just feel inspired and psyched when listening to their songs. And their allusions are fabulous. A band that should not be overlooked, ever.

This post is so not comprehensive, and yet I feel it is complete. Theses artists have literally changed my life with their music. I hope someday I can change someones life like they have changed mine. I have felt love, inspiration, hope, empathy and most other beautiful things through their music. And this is why I love music so much.

A Little Green Eyed Monster

I dont think I ever really have thought of myself as a way jealous person. I mean, perhaps in relationships, but not in general. But then sometimes events happen and I realize I am not the bigger person. Sorry. I am really trying. And usually its not that I want to be in someone elses shoes, I dont, I just wonder why similar situations are not occuring in my life. This year I have had so many loved ones get engaged, get married, get pregnant, have babies, travel, study abroad and do beautiful humanitarian work. And for the most part I was just psyched out of my mind for them. But I will admit, there have been a few moments where its like, shoot, I wish I was in that position.

So today I am making a very conscious effort to be happy with where I am at, and not compare it to where anyone else is. Feeling that little green eyed monster eating away at my soul is most likely not healthy, so this seems like a better approach. So I am content with working and getting to play for 2 months, I am content with at least one roadtrip, and possibly two prospects before I go. I am content with planning a trip to Disneyland with just my sisters and I am content with how well life is healing, physically and emotionally.

In Loving Memory.

Heather Beck.

In the heartache of loss I think its important to remember the beauty of life and the memories you will have forever. We lived so far apart our whole lives but we were cousins, so that meant when we saw each other it was always special.

I am pretty sure my favourite memory with you would have to be when we were down visiting and you had bought a cotton candy machine and would sit at the kitchen table making us cotton candy. It was amazing. And I always remember that you had lemonheads, and since they were american I would only have them when I was at your place. Or when you came up to visit and you loved Metallica so much and would tell me all about them. Or when we picked you up in Utah and we went for dinner. Or just playing at your house when we would come down.

I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we had been closer. But I cant go back and change any of it. I am just glad that we had the chance to reconnect a little before we lost you.

I love you. And your memories will live on.

Those Little, Perfect, Moments

On just the day when life as I knew it seemed to be crumbling into a warped mess I realized what mattered.

David stood for the first time all by himself! And when he realized he could do it he kept trying it.

And Ajulo told me she was so proud of me for finding something, and she brought fruit snacks for me to the game.

And I watched my little sister Kaity at her first high school volleyball game, and Matt even came.

And Meg filled my car with gas cuz she was so happy that I do her homework with her every night for her online class.

And Mum and I went shopping and I could finally wear Lululemon tank tops.

All of these things happened in just one day. So screw mediation and realizing you think your pension is more important than a real relationship with us. You missed all of those little things, and those are the little, perfect, moments that matter most. I would rather be poor forever and not be missing out. And maybe one day I will be brave enough to say that to your face.

True Friends Stab You In the Front - Oscar Wilde

I love Wiki How-To.

Seriously. I read it everytime there is a new one on my igoogle. Which is multiple times a day.

Along with my thought process of secrecy that was mentioned in my earlier post today I think this How-To is an ideal fit. How-to Detox a friendship.

I think so many people get in toxic friendships and are too scared to bail, or fall back into them because they dont want to be alone. There are so many reasons, its the same as staying in a toxic relationship. What an informative How-To. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So if you want some thought provoking reading here is a link.

http://www.wikihow.com/Detox-a-Friendship

I think it is important to recognize when a friendship is weighing you down and bringing grief and stress instead of that calm and peaceful sensation friendships should bring. I am not saying "oh just give up on them and cut all ties" I am just thinking its good to stop and look at where things are at. Its nice to have lots of friends but for me, I like having a few close friends instead of many random acquaintances whom I never talk to.

Friend Inventory.

If its toxic- are you going to say something and try and mend it, or move on? Just be sure of your choice and go with it. If moving on, move on. Delete them on fb and in your phone. Fb friend purging is a favourite of mine. I see no point in having people look at my life when we dont talk in real life. So take a few minutes, do inventory, and mend those failing friendships. Remove animosity. I kinda feel like a hippie in some ways but I really do like just peace.

So thank you to those people that have been willing to stab me in the front and make me a better person. I appreciate all of the times people have helped detox me. And au revoir to those that I have moved on from. I still love you, just from a distance now.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Sophie Kinsella.

What an enjoyable book. I love reading. I really do but I get so caught up in life that I forget to sit and read. So Jenn brought over a HUGE bag full of books and said I had to at least read this one while I was sitting around this week. I picked it up last night and am almost done it. It is the perfect combination of humour, reality and story. I am so intrigued.

It makes me stop and think, okay, most things make me stop and think. Pretty much everything does that to me. Perhaps this is coming from me having a lot of time on my hands for thinking, or because I am trying to really figure out who I am. I dont know. Regardless, Can You Keep A Secret? really has me thinking.

Is it best to keep little secrets? Do you know that you really have met someone you will keep in your life forever when you let those secrets out? What is the value of a secret? Why do we keep secrets? Are people really that afraid of the truth and of letting other people in that we feel we have to hid ourselves?

So as I finished my book I fell for the fairtytale in it, I loved the love, I loved the sharing, I loved the humour. I was captivated. And because of this captivation I began to think of my little secrets, the ones that I have told people. The times secrets have been swapped, like little treasures. And reality shows that those times are the times I built the strongest bonds. When I let people see the real me in every detail I felt closest to them.

So here goes. I am going to share a few small things that will shed light on the inner workings of me. And hopefully it will make you smile or laugh or feel some kind of connection with me as I strive to break the barrier or false impressions and hidden reality in my life.

I am fascinated with love stories because I wonder if anything like that could ever be real.
I have had a spider plant since grade 4 and I am still scared that it attracts spiders.
I dont like dreaming because my dreams often are vivid and stressful.
I am scared to go to a public university.

I know its not much. But I think every little thing you share makes your relationships with people more real. Most secrets are kept out of fear and I dont think fear should rule my life so I think my future will contain less secrets.

With Sharpie Lines and x's Across My Chest I Feel Like A Map

Well here I am. Home. Slightly drugged up. And covered in Sharpie markings. Oh and in pain. But these are all likely outcomes of surgery. So moving on.

The last few days I have felt extra grateful for some specific people. So here is a public thank you.

Thank you Mum for being there the whole time. You have been there for more than I could have even hoped for. In those moments of fear or when I am about to collapse you are so calm and right there, no matter where that is. So thank you. I love you. Even though I know you thought I was perfect without surgery I appreciate your love.

Megs. You hate vomitting and blood and yet I woke up and then you were there. And you brought me a great gossip magazine and my favourite chocolates. I hope you realize how much I love you and I just wish I could do more for you.

Kaity. Sometimes I think you hate watching stupid shows on tv with me, but you always pretend you do because you know I like them So I love you! Plus I swear you have gotten me like 100 cups of water since you dont want me carrying things.


So as I lay here wondering why recovery takes so long I realize that sometimes I forget how blessed I am. Sometimes I get caught up in the sadness and pain of you walking away and I forget that everyone else stayed. And thats what matters most right now. So for those of you who didnt know before, my mum and 2 sisters are my life. And I love them more than anything.

A Haircut to accompany a new life.

A request or two for haircut photos has been made.
consider this your request being processed.
love always.

Dasvedanya

I dont know why but everytime I think of saying goodbye I think of the Russian word Dasvedanya- til we meet again. I read it in some book I think in English class in grade 9. So basically forever ago. And I dont even remember what the book was but I just remember the lady saying Dasvedanya and telling the boy that it was not goodbye, just til they met again. So for the last few years I have found myself in far too many farewell situations and Dasvedanya is always that instinctive thought.

The last few days brought about a whole new breed of farewells, and anyone that knows me really well knows that farewells and I do not mix. I get super emotional and have a hard time actually letting go and saying my well wishes when I know I wont see someone for an extended period of time. I dont know why it is, I just really struggle with it.

But the time finally came where I have graduated from BYU and am moving back to Canada for a little bit. And that meant saying goodbye to the city that has been my home for the last 4 years, saying goodbye to a place full of memories, love and best friends. And once I got back home it hit, I had left it all behind. The tears flowed and I realized it was real, I didnt live there anymore, I didnt go to that school anymore, I was somewhere else.

Dasvedanya is how I have to think of it thought, I will see all of you again. It just might not be right away. If I thought of it as goodbye it would be too hard. I wouldnt have been able to leave. And reality is some goodbyes felt nearly impossible to leave. Some left me out late into the night because I couldnt stand to think I wouldnt see you again. And some left me crying as I read farewell texts full of love.

So Dasvedanya my dear Provo friends. I love you. And miss you already. So, uhm if you want to come visit me in July I will be in Canada for the Stampede.. just an open invitation there.

Dasvedanya - til we meet again.

ps Some goodbyes last week were permanent. You are in a better place now, and I will keep telling myself that until it doesnt hurt. I love you, and you are missed.

A Unicorn Flag

All epic roadtrips and events have a symbol to identify them, something to make them stand out and represent that this event is not average. And well, a Unicorn Flag was exactly such for a quick surf trip to San Diego.

First off, I have a minor obsession with unicorns as of late, so this flag basically warms my soul just by being in my car. So yes, Justin, you are on a flag, and you were the symbol of the most epic and random trip.

To summarize Soph, her bf and Jake and I went to San Diego, spent a morning trying to learn to surf (Jake knew how), oh and we had breakfast at the greatest little shack on the beach, and then it was over a massive and magnificently structured bridge to an island, then to the most friendly families house, for an evening of laughter, crepes and building friendships. That basically was the trip, minus driving, and it was beautiful.

I have a ton of respect for Surfers now, that is for sure. Surfing has always been on my bucket list, and since Australia is fast approaching I felt such a strong urge to at least attempt surfing, which inspired this trip. And well, after my attempts, I have realized surfing is way freaking hard, and I am determined to nail it. As expected.

One last important fact to note is that the drive home literally consisted of at least 5 hours of just talking about Pokemon. It was amazing. And I absolutely loved it. Yes, I am not ashamed that I love playing Pokemon on my gameboy.

So overall, the trip was spontaneous and an adventure and it just reinforced my relationship with soph and jake. Also, I love the unicorn flag and it will actually go up in my Australian place.