I probably watch way too much Scrubs since I can use quotes from it to describe basically everything I could imagine to feel. Maybe that is why I rewatch it. It is comfortable, it is safe and JD expresses enough emotion that I dont have to do it outwardly.
It wasnt like there was name calling. It wasnt immature. It was just a message. A short message informing me that we couldnt text because it opened old wounds. Maybe it wouldnt have stung so much if I felt at fault. I didnt really. You had asked about me. I had no intention of any communication with you today, I didnt have study questions and I was caught up in my own world which was logical. It feels unfair to be recut off when I was the one that was so cautious and had to set up space boundaries to heal in the first place. It shouldnt have hurt. It wasnt just the words, it was the fact that it triggered my mechanosensitivity. It doesnt even make sense. Something emotional shouldnt be able to create or reproduce physical pain. I didnt say that to you though. I kept it simple and refrained from saying a single thing I thought or wanted. The last few days I have thought about telling you whats going on, I was trying to convince myself that people dont always leave. And that if we could be exes and actually be real friends that it meant that you would always be here when I needed something, plus you know the background of most things. So I thought maybe you were the answer to prayers. I mean it almost felt safe. I am glad it didnt entirely and I stayed silent. I must just like hurting myself, why else would I try so hard to mend fences.
People do leave. And regardless of what they say they dont usually stay. Some will, but only a select few. I honestly thought that I was beyond this, but maybe once you love someone you never entirely unlove them. And its the people that you love that always know the exact way to cut you the most. So even though sticks and stones may break my bones, words will hurt forever. Your words hurt but I wont be one to fight this time. Dasvedanya. I wont be reopening those wounds.
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