As we sat at the table and questions flowed so much poured through my mind. The questions were easy, I knew the answers. Only one was a stumbling block and they just moved on from it and didnt ask questions as would be proper when realizing the taboo subject of a non present parent comes up. Yet my mind was somewhere else completely. I couldnt help but think of how many other family things I had been to with you. In nearly a decade there have been a fair few. And I wondered if I was the only one that realized that. That was thinking of how long I have been around and how I continually appeared but in a non-existent role. I wondered if they knew this time it was real. I wasnt just that girl next door that actually lived ages away. That I was the one that would be at every family event for forever now. I suppose I still dont know my place. I get nervous I will say the wrong thing or not fit in in the world I so desperately want to be a part of. So when it was like a dogs ears perking up when I realized what song was being thrown back to me as I drove last night I wondered if this was me. Was I just that person you turn back to because I have always been a marked page or am I really the only one that will matter forever now?
It didnt help when I dreamt about marriage after that. I have never been that girl to fantasize about a wedding or getting married. I knew one day it would happen but that was that. There was no other real thought process. But last night instead of dreaming of being murdered I dream that we had decided to get married and to just go for it spur of the moment and I awoke realizing I have changed more than I ever would care to admit. It feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance right now.
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