Outwardly I have always tended to exude more of a cool independent picture. Someone that needs no one. Strong enough to handle anything. The world at my feet. A face that can stand alone. How often do we actually let people see what is behind it all though? I dont often. Except for those few people that have seen all sides I try to keep up the picture that would sit in a frame.
The truth is I am bored of being independent and alone. I want to have someone to share these obscure new bands I find filling my ears. I want the smell of freshly baked cookies to warm someone else's insides. I want to plan my life with more than just what I think in mind. And as much as I like to pretend I dont like dress up or attention I so badly want a wedding. I know it is all coming out because of massive insecurity and watching every person I love filling that finger with a ring and laying claim to another human. But regardless of their lives, I just want that for me. And when I see little babies and children of course I stare. I dont want a kid today. I am not that crazy. But I want a home with a fireplace and a library and a bearskin rug and a kitchen full of cookies and a backyard for future children. I want that grown up life of love. I want more than just a job that pays the bills.
So maybe my impending interviews wont fill the void I am feeling. I wanted to believe the anxiety I have been feeling is just about trying to get a real grown up job. But I think that is wrong. I think it is because I am so incredibly scared I wont meet the one. And I know that the older I get the more I know exactly what I want which is just making it seem even more impossible. And it makes me want to stop caring about the stupid things I think I need in a relationship but then I dont want to compromise because I refuse to be with someone that isnt right. I know divorce too well and that will not be me. So maybe I just need to try and be more patient. Or maybe I just need an arranged marriage.
I have seriously felt the same way about arranged marriage, how it's be easier, and basically everything you talked about in this.
ReplyDeleteI want you to find all of that
I want me to find all of that too.
There's no such thing as "the one." There's you and the "other person" and you become each other's "one." That is a lot of quotation marks. Seriously though, you prepare now to become the sort of person that someone else wants to be with and you continue to try and become a better person and the best person for the other person too. They should be doing the same.
For a while, I kind of wholly embraced the bachelor thing. I was rolling in money with not much an idea what to do with it or a desire to spend it either. I did whatever I wanted. Well... I still do, but you get the idea. I was superbachelor and I didn't want or need anyone.
But that's a complete lie. I know that I am the happiest and most fulfilled with someone. I want that other half and I want a family. I don't know when or where I'll meet the person that we'll embark on this journey with, but I hope it's sooner rather than later.
I'm a little afraid of the unknown. I'll admit that.
I am glad you get what I am getting at. The unknown is freaking me out and I cant help but worry that so much of what I aspire for is beyond reach, and i know it is impatience screaming but I am not a patient person.
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