A Sense of Heat I Couldn't Bare to Touch

It has begun again. It never really ended though. It had now been multiple years since I have slept through the night. I don't even know what it feels like to wake up rested. But somehow it is back to the worst sense of it all. I don't mind the nightmares if they just come, wake me, and go. At least at some point I feel like I have slept. This is back to it taking ages for me to fall asleep, regardless of how tired I am and what I take. And then it never feels like I fall asleep, ever. It is like closing my eyes but being able to open them at any time. Like I am pretending to sleep to pass the time. The time passes with unconventional dreams. It is like reality but never happy, just twisted situations. Ones where I always fail. And it is almost as if I can just open my eyes at any time and take a break from it as it isn't real sleep. But the second I close them again the scenario unpauses and it all begins again. A painful, cyclical pattern that refuses to be broken. And it is all for no reason. There is no explanation. So here I am, avoiding sleep, because being awake yet sleepy seems better than trying to force myself into a sleep that wont occur.