It Took Two

My eyes shot open. It was sudden. But nothing had happened. And it was not like opening them gave me sight. The lights were off. I was supposed to be trying to sleep. I wanted to sleep. But it hit like a bolt of lightening to the face. Except nothing had occurred. Besides one simple thought process. But apparently it was enough. I felt for a moment that you could have been someone I could have been happy with. I would write could but I dont even remember the last time I saw you. And the last time we spoke was before I left and I didnt change my plans for you. And I wont ever regret that.

I had forgotten so much. Likely purposely. But somehow tonight the memories decided to pour back. I first thought of that valentines day. I think it may actually be the only valentines day I have ever had a date. I was supposed to work and last minute I didnt. So you took me to a Monster Truck Rally. And you used to make me bets on everything, but somehow either way I would end up winning without actually having to do better than you on any of the exams. Like the time you had to watch It Takes Two. You were so unimpressed but secretly loved it. And your little nieces and nephews. I forgot how much I loved your family. And your truck. And those creepy frozen mice you would chase me with, they were the worst. It all has come rushing back so fast. I used to pretend we never existed because I was so angry. You were a douche that one time and it seemed to overshadow everything else. Even though so long after we used to just sit and talk on the phone about nothing when we werent even in the same country. I truly had forgotten it all.

I cant get over that intial moment of shock as my eyes shot open. What ridiculous thoughts. There is nothing there. It was lifetimes ago. But somehow I can see that condescending look you would give me while using a nickname you so avidly stuck with. I feel confused. Our paths very likely may never cross again. So I have no comprehension as to why tonight I cant seem to sleep and you magically have set up camp in a mind so exhausted it has no will to battle you out.

It took two of us to be such a disaster back then. But the truth is it was a really great disaster. And we both needed what came after it all. Somehow I want my reaching out to grasp something. To just clear out these relentless thoughts that make no sense. And perhaps these sentences will be the enema needed to wash you out, back to wherever you have lain dormant for so long. I cant help but to miss you tonight. But I want that missing to fade if it leads to nothing. i cant have longings that are fruitless. I know far too well where that leaves me. So why my mind has found you I do not know, but I hope it unfinds you soon.