Dinner Tonight, Therapy Tomorrow

How poetic I thought as I imagined writing this. Except for the slight fact it is true. Tonight is the dreaded dinner. I realize I am a bad person for going mostly in the hopes of coming home with gifts and slightly because it is the right thing. However, I just cannot be a better person than this today. I havent had an anxiety attack or thrown up yet so I think that counts as doing better than the last meal I attended. Luckily I have a mother who is wise and upon hearing of dinner booked me in to see a therapist tomorrow haha. I think that we can laugh about it is good.

Divorce is sad. But I believe it can lead to the joy of celebrating two holidays twice. Just not in this situation. Sometimes people lie and are deceitful and selfish. Sometimes they seem to forget what their role is and that it requires a sense of selflessness. And because of this and a million more things this dinner is celebrating a holiday twice. I have spent the last 6 hour shutting down emotionally so that by the time I arrive I should be in robot state. I will say as little as possible. I will avoid any real contact. And this is because if I act human I will only ask all of the questions you wont answer and my anger and hurt will get the best of me. So instead I will count the minutes and fill my cheeks with food to avoid having to speak or respond. And tomorrow I will meet a therapist who is supposed to help me learn how to take control of these situations and help me recognize why I cant seem to trust anyone after realizing I had been lied to for most of my life.

So I wish I could write and say tonight I will be trying my hardest to make this dinner seem like it is celebrating the season. But I cant. I am not there yet. And it may take me a really long time to get there. But I am proud of myself for attending because that is a really huge step for me and is going to hurt a lot more than the physical pain my body tends to feel. So here is to the night I wont want to remember and moving on to let myself enjoy the rest of the holiday season.