When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.