Its been one year. Exactly one year since everything changed. I was told that time heals. After the first two months or so I stopped believing that because I had waited a period of what I thought was a long time and I was not healed. I didnt understand. A friend told me some pains take years, even decades, to heal. It has been a full year and its like salt in a wound that hasnt healed. Everything is brought to the surface. The wound is reopened and the pain feels unbearable at times. I sat there uncontrollably crying while watching a season finale of a very unsad show. I paused it and made a call. I was told if there was some emergency to call your cell otherwise to wait a bit til you got home. I called. I barely said hello. I got out that it wasnt an emergency and then I just cried. I finally got out the words that its been a year. Instantly you knew. You said you werent home cuz you took the kids out for dinner and a movie so they wont be sitting at home feeling this way. I wish I was there. I dont know if I ever have felt as homesick as I did in that moment. I just wanted you to be here to hold me, understanding without me talking. Its nearly impossible to express to someone else why I feel this way or how I feel. So to know that I am not alone makes it the slightest bit easier.
I am not writing this because I want someone to feel bad that I am sad and broken. I am writing because next year when I feel this way and maybe even the slightest bit less sad I will have something to remind me that I am not alone. And I am writing it because perhaps it will give someone else a glimmer of hope. I know a little bit about what sorrow and pain are and how much it sucks to ache because of choices someone else has made. I know what its like to have tears streaming uncontrollably down your face and to feel so alone that your whole body aches. I know the anxiety that accompanies it and makes you feel like vomitting or screaming because of the pressure building up in your chest. Its all just a bit unpleasant. So the next time you feel that way or any of that way I hope you think to call me, or message me or anything. Because no one should feel alone. And know that time does heal. I used to think in one year everything would be perfect again, or at least some version of perfection that was beautiful. But I have learned that some things take a lot of time and all you can do is make the most of each day and remind yourself how far you have come, even if it feels like today you are back to square one. And maybe if you feel that way you just need to listen to some emo music and eat some chocolate or just watch a really sad movie. Those all make me feel less alone and upset about my lack of control over my tear ducts.
I have survived one year when at first I thought I would just fade away due to brokenness and sorrow. Maybe I am stronger than I thought.
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