My eyes keep glancing to my upside down pillow. My body is getting a little achey. Its time to switch playlists and lay down and close my eyes. But you wont be up yet. I have to wait at least an hour, maybe two before I can call. Or I could sleep and call in 8 hours. But with my arms so far away I dont want to delay. Today is your special day, yet I feel like you probably arent going to wake up feeling ultra special. At some point you will probably cry because this will be your first birthday since it all came crashing down. My eyes are welling up, its all a little blurry even though I have my super thick glasses on. Maybe you will just be happy today, maybe its just me that thinks of it this way, but I doubt thats true. I wish it was. You try and put on a strong face for everyone but today is the day everyone should put on a strong face for you. If we skype I will put on my strongest most loving face.
We werent as close as we could have been growing up. When I wanted Ketchup Chips it wasnt you I went to. And when I wanted to throw a football or learn to shoot I didnt ask you to teach me. And one time we got in a big fight and I still feel bad about it. But when I had ballet practice, before I thought it was boring, you took me. Or the singing lessons, or gymnastic lessons. Piano lessons and many, many festivals and recitals happened and you never missed them- even the ones you should have skipped because I was so unprepared. When I was so little and in the hospital you were there day in and day out. When I grew up and was back in for tonsils you sat there and waited through my surgery. And then when I had appendicitis and we didnt know it you were the one to take me into the hospital and sit in the ER with a squirmy toddler for 8 hours because you knew I was in pain and scared. You came each day after that surgery and even got me a wheelie cart in Walmart when I came out. When I went in for yet another surgery in the fall you were there the whole time and the next two weeks when I couldnt even button up a shirt you were there every step of the way.
I used to think I would rather die than tell you about a boy. And then it changed. I remember crying on your bed after one broke my heart. And then another. You always cared, I just didnt always see it that way. I didnt realize you just wanted me to have an easier go than you did.
But the day that it all changed the most and we became best friends truly was that day I sat on your bathroom floor crying. I had never hurt so much in my life and you saw that and just knelt down with me.
Sometimes I wonder how I could leave, I know it was mostly selfish, but I do wonder how I could move for so long so far away when I knew you were hurting. I wonder if you know how much I miss home. I wonder if you realize the first pictures I put up are the photo booth ones we took each year you visited me at uni. If you know that I have every card you have sent me over here up on a wall. If you know that I tell all my friends how cool you are. Or if you realize that everytime I bake I think of how one day I want to be like you and have baking out whenever company rocks up.
You have been my strength and my rock through every hard thing I have went through. And you have been there to stand on a chair and yell "thats my baby" everytime I accomplished something. You have embarrassed me soo many times and yet I wouldnt erase any of them. I used to get so annoyed when the guys would tell me you were hot, but then I realized I should just be glad that you are aging fabulously and still up for all the stupid things I think are fun.
Its only eight more weeks til I see you and I am so stoked. Thank you for raising me. For loving me unconditionally. For being my best friend even when I didnt want one. I love you with all my heart and I hope today you have the happiest birthday knowing that you are awesome, and that there is no charge for awesomeness.
I love you Mum. xo
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