The Anticipation in Three Days Arrival

I am scared the day will come and I wont be able to handle it. That the sorrow will overwhelm me. I am scared that the day will come and I will feel nothing. Would it be worse to still feel broken and empty and sad and lost after one year or to feel emotionally cold and dead?

I wish I knew.

The fear may be in finding out something about myself that I dont want to know. I dont want to face the fact that I probably havent been truly happy in a long time. And I dont want to realize that I somehow lost the ability to love or open my heart. I would not like this anniversary to come. But sadly I cant control time. And the next three days I am a bit busy so I dont even have time to create a time machine. I mean if I do create a time machine sometime in my life I could always go back to before this time and then make it so I dont have that day or that something magical happens. So thats still an option to keep on the table. Its just like a 50/50 sort of chance of that happening. So in case it doesnt, I wish I could just let go of the wondering. I already know. Who am I kidding. If I stop for more than a handful of seconds on saturday I will likely breakdown and become a massive wreck. But it will be okay. Because it means that I am still alive. That I still have a beating heart that has the ability to break. It means that I have the ability to feel. It also means that I have a bit of a ways to go. I let myself feel like I keep my heart on a block of ice to try and numb sensations that are unwanted. But at the end of the day I am just trying to protect myself. I even think its okay to have some days be knowingly sad days. Anniversaries of sad events are going to expectedly bring about salty drops that will find their way down my face and thats only because I have a tendency to rip out chunks of my heart and knowingly give them out in unideal situations. But people die. And people leave. And people dont always love us back. But one year minus three days ago I couldnt even fake imagine feeling like I have any heart pieces to share with anyone and even though I may still cry sometimes now I ultimately feel in control of my life and I can feel my beating heart. I am not as broken as I was. I am healing. Things will be alright.