Inside My Head

I often think of how clever someone must be to escape from a penetentary. What a feat. To be able to get out of something that should be secure fascinates me. I dont condone this behaviour in the sense that I dont want criminals just like chilling next to me as I drink white hot chocolate and read my zen book, but I am fascinated. This awareness of my fascination appeared as I realized how epic it would be if I could escape my own head. I am my own worst enemy. By a long shot. It is like the moment my brain gets a sense of security or plausible happiness it begins to create tiny bombs. Ones that are volatile and go off at any time.

I realized this as you crossed my mind. In a major way. I would say you have been the subject of too many of these posts but that doesnt mean you wont keep reappearing. You are like the re-aliving bug, but only in the sense that once I think I have quelled you, you reappear. It has been a really long time. Long enough that I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby, twice, with time in between. That is ages. But somehow it comes back to you. Maybe you have become my baseline. Not you when we dated. You when I left. The person I said goodbye to. I want to say you ruined me. But you have been there through everything, and no other person has. And maybe that is why. But why isnt what matters. What matters is that the moment I think I could be happy I have to compare everything to you and then I am full of answerless questions and longing and so much more. I think of the long talks and the passion and the absolute ridiculousness of it all and how it, we, are a massive train wreck. Yet this doesnt deter the thoughts. It doesnt stop me from second guessing the now. Am I still stuck on you? I thought I got over all of those feelings an exceptionally long time ago. Was I wrong? Or am I just scared? Scared that something different isnt something right. Or is reality that you created a baseline I dont want to sink under and now I have to carefully measure everything to see where it stands? I am not sure. All I know is that somehow you have invaded my brain. For no apparent reason. And it makes me wish I could escape, like a criminal busting out of prison quietly in the night.