I suppose this is a point that requires introspection. It makes me wonder why the tears flow. The looking within started in a parking lot last night. We were supposed to have milkshakes. Instead I just cried. As you held me it all came out. I am so scared. And I know I shouldnt be, but I am.
It was almost 6 years ago the first time a doctor told me I may never have kids. It was like a bullet to my heart. And the thought of that has haunted me since. Even with encouragement from others saying I would be fine I have always known it isnt that simple. I understand genetics and family history and that doesnt bode too well. So feeling so close to such suffering I cant help but be scared. In a couple of years this could be me. Bad things happen to everyone and I already have the complete background for loss. So I am really scared.
Like most females that grow up with faith centered around families I have always wanted to be a mother. I know nurturing and I cant imagine anything more appealing then raising a family. So perhaps this is why it all hits so close to home. It reminds me how fragile everything is. How the plan is so much bigger than me and my everyday struggles and that I have no idea what will happen next. I dont know if I will have my own children or raise other children. I dont know what it will be like to be married or to fight with my kids or to be so frustrated I cry in prayer. There is so much unknown and it terrifies me. And it makes me wonder if I am strong enough for it all.
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