Tomorrow is the family session of grief counseling Grief. I have said the word so many times in the last two weeks it sounds wrong and I am not even sure I know what it means anymore. It feels strange to grieve when no one has passed away. I understand the tears and aching of a loss at a funeral but this isnt that. I wish I loved less.
I packed five boxes today. When she asked me if I could while she was at work it felt like daggers to my heart. I mumbled that I would try. When I woke up and saw the boxes I realized if I didnt start the packing she would have to and it would hurt her more than it would me. I mean I love them like my own daughters but they are truly sisters, they are children to her. They filled that void when we were away at school and she was feeling so lost. So I suppose I feel like I cant grieve too much to my mother because her pain is deeper.
Two days plus a few hours of goodbying, It isnt enough. I gave up on discipline this week. The tantrums had escalated and I realized I wouldnt be making behavioural changes and that they just didnt understand why they were sad and angry. So I just resorted to long hugs and repeatedly saying I love you until the tears and kicking stopped. I wish I could explain their sadness to them but I know I need to be supportive of their new life. I hold back the tears as I hug them and they say they will miss me when they are gone. They have no idea.
I dont know how many more times I will be able to love children and let them go. I just want to keep them all. I just want them to know I love them every single day. I think I am finally beginning to truly understand what being a parent means. And it is so scary and beautiful. But I am not ready for it. I need to understand grief first and let myself be sad when my two angels leave before I will be ready to love again. At least thats how I feel right now.
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