Suffocation of the Heart

I thought I would write something tragic. It would be a tale about two misguided lovers who fell brutally and entirely in love and yet somehow couldnt reconcile their differences. The breakup would be like a divorce in some ways. It would be a heart wrenching tale. One that would evoke all the wrong emotions.

And yet I feel too lost to narrate such a tale. The feeling literally was as if my heart was suffocating. In fact it still feels that way. It feels like something inside of me has died. And in that moment when I felt alone I called at just past 4 am your time because no one wants to be without a mother when their heart is shattered. And suddenly the tears and convulsion were so overwhelming breath couldnt be caught and vomiting to breathe seemed like the only solution. It was confusing and painful and I just wanted the suffocation to stop.  In a way it did with words of comfort and the fact that a best friend was literally dropped on my doorstep like a present from the one person I was aching for.

It would be easy to write that I am angry or hurt if he wasnt such a gentleman, if he wasnt so incredibly everything I love. I can only sit here and write that the loss of love  and its agony came from the fact that it was the losing of not only a love but of a best friend. Of the only person here that had heard every word and secret I had spared the rest of the ears from. The person that I had literally poured my soul too. So when the door shut it was a feeling of bleakness and aloneness that no other ending relationship has left me with. Perhaps this is why I know we will recover. Because you are truly my best friend here.

You may read this. In a way I hope you do but then I dont when I realize you will be reminded of the image you want to forget. For once I can write that I fell entirely in love and gave it a shot. That I cant look back and wish something was different and that I realize we both had to let this end. I can write that I still love you and that it felt like I couldnt breathe the moment you werent in my life. And I can write that I know I was wrong when I told you it was just like no one man could ever stay forever, that wasnt a fair category for you. I shouldnt have been so inwardly cutting. I wish you could just come back and we could cry together but that would just create more suffocation.

I cant wait for the day we are best friends again. Or even the day when we are friends without hiding complete sorrow. I hope its friday. Then we can go to the beach with our black friend. I love you and regret nothing.