I have always heard if you are staying still you are really moving backwards as life waits for no one. So I am perplexed. I feel so much like I am stagnant, and moving backwards but so much am somehow going forwards. Maybe I just have a skewed outlook on what I measure. Because since I have come back I feel like I have been put in a regression, an unavoidable position which has prevented me from feeling like part of the real world. But there is something inside screaming that so much is moving forward.
As much as I avoid emotion or connection and delving into reality with people I somehow have allowed it. It feels premature, like a flower barely starting to show through the soil. But I can't help it, I have to write. I am so nervous and anxious, I think for once this could become something real but I am so talented at ruining good things. I don't even know if this is a thing to ruin as it may be nothing. And I am so used to saying every single thing that comes into my mind to you but now I am unsure as as I don't want to ask something and get an answer I don't want. But I think this is real real and I dont know how it is happening as am living a deadbeat life. Maybe I just needed to be less distracted to be able to see what was right in front of me. Either way I think I may be really happy about whatever is occurring.
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