So when I realized a lecture today was on palliative care in pediatrics my heart sunk a little. Children dying is sad. And talking about sick children that arent going to have a long life hits home. It reaches that spot of my heart that I dont delve into. The one that remembers a funeral right after Christmas.
Two years after, I was home at Christmas and there was so much snow and I couldnt find her headstone. I just kept trying to push the feet of snow away, to try and clear as much as I could to find it. It had baby blocks on it. I just somehow wanted her to know I didnt forget, that I missed her, that in her short life she had blessed so many people. That even though I may not have biologically been her sister she still meant the world to me and I couldnt have loved her more. That I hated leaving the hospital and would have held her every second she was alive if I could have.
It's interesting how one thing can trigger so much. The thoughts, the aching, the memories, the longing all can come back in an instant. Its not like its debilitating or overwhelming, it just is an above subtle reminder that life is precious. That some people arent here for the expected 87 years. That sometimes children die and that all you have left are memories and a stuffed hippo. And that somehow even tiny lives can touch you for a lifetime. And somehow even though I tear up remembering how beautiful she was and the way you knew she loved you it warms my heart knowing that when she left she knew that she wasnt alone.
Sometimes all you have is a momento to remind you of the past and sometimes all you need is to hear a song or a phrase to feel the longing for something lost, and maybe that hurts, but maybe its okay to hurt because it means that something special happened before that hurt.
Will you tell me her story?
ReplyDeleteIt was my second year of uni and we had been fostering for years and years, and mostly medical babies. And then they asked us to foster a girl named Paige. She was a few months old and had never left the hospital and never would. She had a DNR in place and was born so underdeveloped that she wouldnt live for long. She couldnt eat or breathe on her on. So instead of her coming home we just went to her everyday. We would just go and read and talk to her and cuddle her and just let her know that she was loved. She had some great staff in the hospital that really took care of her too but we wanted her to have a family. And we had talked about adopting her so she could have an eternal family but sadly she wasnt up for adoption. And then just a few days before Christmas she passed away. She wasnt even 9 months old and yet at the funeral so many nurses took the day off to come and I realized how many lives she had touched. She didnt just change me and help me she had touched every life that came into contact with her in those few short months. Thats the gist of it. She was so gorgeous and amazing. I miss her.
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