I still question if you actually liked it. If it meant anything. Or if it was just an attempt at a present that went awry. I feel full of apprehension and distrust perhaps, even though it is knowingly misplaced. I just feel a massive sense of unsureity, as if nothing can be trusted. Its like seeing a van near a park and instantly thinking it must be full of lollies and trying to capture children. It likely isnt but your mind goes to all the wrong places. Thats how I feel. Like I cant stop my mind from thinking the worst.
I am not sure when it reverted. When my thinking went back to the fact that people always leave. Perhaps it is because thats what I did therefore proving my thought. I left. I walked away from everything I knew and so why wouldnt I expect others to?
I want to believe that the words and the sentiment behind a delayed present meant something but somehow the finality of it all and the attempt to bridge just brings an awkward ache. A literal pain through the nervous system always leaving the most pain through the left hand. Its inexplicable. Its real. It reminds me that I dont like being alone. That I am alone. Alone in the sense that there is a void, a space of lonlieness that I almost consciously refuse to fill because I feel like you should fill it. Maybe its some form of denial. Some way of wishing it wasnt this way. My own words seem to be of no comfort. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize its a new day, a better day.
Today felt like it raped and pillaged me. I didnt like it.
No comments:
Post a Comment