So What If You Catch Me, Where Would We Land?

I am not just thinking about this moment. Not like usual. I mean I usually have the next 700 years planned, except when it comes to the third L word. When it comes to that I have less than zero seconds thought ahead. I have lived in a world of defense and walls. One where someone doesnt come before protecting myself. I have loved and lost because of my own naivety and inability to let go and look ahead, because I have been unable to let myself fall enough where I didnt know if I would be caught.

But what if I was finally ready to let go? If I was actually thinking of falling and having no idea what happens next? I am not sure I can handle it. That I can place myself in such a space of vulnerability. But I cant help it. I think I want to just close my eyes and let myself fall. But as much I have these lingering thoughts and want all of this I also am really scared.

I dont want to lose myself trying to find someone else. Or in falling in love. I want to become more myself in that process. So as much as my head is so full of things I cant let out because then I will be classed as crazy I am really trying to not forget me. So I ran 16km tonight. And I only threw up a little bit at the 15th, which in my head is a totally normal thing to do. It may be blamed on those two oreos I ate on Saturday, so worth it. But back to the point. I want to let myself fall. And every single time I listen to this song I think about what could be, and what could happen and that I am so nervous that I care too much. But I think all I can do is try and let go of my intense need to always be in control and let things happen. I need to be less neurotic about it all and just let the zen flow a bit more while ensuring I am being the best version of me. How can I expect the third L word to happen if I lose myself? I think for once I am realizing to be in love you have to really love yourself and put time into that too. So as scared as I am, and knowing that this could be way more in my head than it is in real life, I am really calm because I am becoming everything I always wanted to be and you are the catalyst of it.