I don't think it is always wanting what you can't have, although I know I do that most of the time. I think it is just a form of reality check, probably because I have come back to reality. It was the most bittersweet of feelings. I hadn't ever wanted to depart and felt a longing for the space that was mine but somehow that changed a bit and I wasnt ready to leave.
I was more than pleased to carefully choose a record and to curl up in the bed that is so perfectly mine when the time finally allowed, yet I couldn't help but feel something missing. Something had changed. And I think it was me. Suddenly this place just didnt feel as permanent as I had allowed myself to think.
Seeing a few of the people that matter most was amazing, don't let me make it sound as if it wasn't. I didn't even realize how much I missed and need them until I had them back. But it wasn't the same. I felt more secure in myself, and more assured in the life that I am creating. For once I could recognize how grateful I was for the choices I have made and for the path they have brought me on. I saw that I can find my sober place in a world so contrary and that and I just feel like I can be me. And because I feel like I have figured that out it just seems like this was all a stepping stone. Reality has so much more planned that I didnt see before.
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