I Tried Not To Throw Stones

"But I wanted to come inside."

It all seems surreal. The fact that for once I am in charge of my own life. I suppose I have spent so long just going along that I never realized it was time to step up. I just kinda fell in line. I knew what was expected and thats what I provided. I did well at school, I practiced the piano (often the bare minimum), and I fulfilled my work and family obligations. But I think today I realized that this is my life and I am going to take my own path and I dont think that is what everyone wants. I miss home. I miss the mountains and the snow and bingo. But I am not ready to commit to going back. I am not saying this place is my new home. But it has given me a lot of freedom and life experience and I think I am getting used to that. And I think I want to try and make a name for myself alone. I dont want to go back to expectations or to the health service I know too well. I want to get work experience and have to start from scratch. I want to go through the growing pains of growing up. And I dont know if I will get that if I leave at the end of the year.

And maybe there is a tiny part of me that just wonders if there is a boy that has a bit of my heart. Perhaps it is because I think I am actually ready for love and dont really want to just let myself get up and move like I have every other time I have met someone special. Maybe this is what growing up is. All I know really is that today I had a chance to go to yoga and then sit along the river reading a book and with all of my reflection time I wished someone else was there seeing how far I had come along. I would have thrown stones at your window if it was closer.