And If You'd 'A Took To Me Like A Gull Takes To The Wind

The words and tune float along as if they have chosen to be the soundtrack of my wandering thoughts. Thoughts that cant seem to stop long enough to finish a full thought or even create real sentences. There is so much neurosis going on that cant seem to be tamed. Perhaps it is a culmination of so many new chapters beginning but ones that I can see how many pages they are and that they result in sequels, ones that havent been wrote and I have too many ideas to even know what direction to go in.

I know that if this was someone else telling me this was how they felt I would give eloquent words saying things like you will know when it's right, the right things fall into place when they should. And keep working and praying and you will know. But those things are so easy to say and so hard to follow. How much faith do I need to take the next step? How do I know if this is it or if this was a layover? Maybe this was just a step and I need to hit the books and go further. Or maybe all of this wouldnt be questioned if I just knew what the next few months hold.

But somehow between starting writing this and coming back to it I feel like someone has come and replaced my brain with one that works much better. It doesnt matter what the next page holds. At least not today because I am not there yet. And I am on the path reading the preceding words. Maybe I am meant to falter a bit and get hurt because I need to learn a lesson or maybe I am meant to fall in love or maybe I am meant to just get a job here or maybe I am meant to move to a new place or maybe I should go back and do more school. But I dont have to know that today.

Today I need to pay rent and tuition and run and do yoga and pray and bake and study and start a grown up resume and to love life. I so often feel like an old woman just trapped in a young looking body. But the truth is I am just a bit young, and I have a whole lot of life ahead of me. And maybe I just need to be young to learn what growing up is like in a normal timely fashion instead of trying to just be grown up and make everything fit now.

I dont think I have ever been less sure of my future. I also dont think I have felt as much peace as I feel right now in a very long time. I think this is what happiness feels like.