Yesterday I said I wished I was a robot. I did. I thought about it logically and the idea of not feeling seemed appealing. Then hours passed. Maybe like twenty four. And I found myself being so grateful I wasnt a robot. For the exact reasons I wanted to be robot I dont want to be one.
Lately I feel emotions really intensely. Its not overly long lasting, but in the moment its super intense and real. Its that urge to just scream my lungs out. Its the tears that fall in such a perfect line and make every part of me physically ache. Its the deep empty longing. Its the feeling of warmth and glory when the sun hits my face. Its the feeling you get when you are laughing so hard and cant stop. Its not something small lately. Its just short and intense. Moments pure enough to remind me all of the reasons I am human. Just powerful enough to break my heart, or remind me of what love is.
Its these moments intertwined with just mundane ordinary days that make it all seem worth it. The painful ones come from perfect times long passed, or things that fell apart. The ones of longing remind me of what is to come and what brought me here. The ones of strength remind me that I am never alone.
I spent so many years burying emotion, loathing it, thinking it make me appear weak. So sometimes its hard to just accept it and bask in it. I am trying to let my tears mean something when they come. I am trying to feel heartache with the reminder that it means I knew love. I am trying to take that intensity and turn it into something. I am going to nail being human.
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