I spent a lot of the last year, maybe most of it with conflicted feelings about love. It has been a topic that has enveloped my thoughts and forced me to completely relook at the topic. I realized a few things. That we cant always choose who we love. And we cant make other people love us back. And people we love will hurt us. And my heart is retarded.
Logically and mentally I think about you and realize you are not good for me. My heart just cant accept that yet. I dont know why. Its not like I see you, or even talk to you really these days. And yet for some reason my ability to let go is non existant. I dont want to love you. I dont want to meet other people and realize that somehow they just havent met up to you, especially since you truly dont rate high in a lot of categories. And here I am. Realizing it is the end of your birthday in my time zone, with the time difference our birthdays will be the same time this year, and knowing that you probably wont even say anything about mine. I hate that I love you. I hate that I havent met a single person since you that I thought there was a possibility for a future with. I hate that deep down I really want to see you when I am back on the continent. I hate that my heart is retarded and wont let go. I just want to let go and not want you anymore. Maybe I should get my name on the heart transplant list and aim for a less retarded one.
Well Rihanna, thank you for reminding me that I missed out when they were handing out sense with hearts in the preexistence.
ReplyDeleteFact people are often just looking for an excuse to talk about themselves. I am no exception. Willing to put that off for just a second though.
I couldn't help but laugh inside when I read this. Like when you're exasperated and tired and then something else goes wrong, and you're like "Okay, Seriously?" Or when things are not too hot, and you're telling someone about it, trying to keep up a cheery facade, but when you get to some parts of the story, you can't keep it up, or you let it slip volitionally. Regardless though, how you're really feeling peeks through.
At least that's the vibe I got.
Mmkay, talking about me now.
Just yesterday I got off a date and called up one of my girlfriends to pass along a sitrep. Oh, quick backstory. I am not good at being attracted to people. I appreciate people's attractiveness with the best of them, but even if logically, it would make sense to be attracted to them, I have trouble convincing myself it would be a good idea. About 8 months ago, I met someone who I was absolutely smitten by. Completely fell for. That never happens. It was a bad idea, because the way I felt and the way she felt did not coincide. So sitrep, it was the third date with this girl, who has all sorts of attractive qualities. Outside of being physically attractive. I haven't yet determined whether I'm attracted to her though. Even though she is literally the most thoughtful and courteous and charitable person I have ever met. Like salt-of-the-earth caliber. And I was talking to this girlfriend about how when I compare this girl to the girl I totally fell for, how that girl completely pales in comparison to this one. She's inconsistent and needs to grow up still and all sorts of other things, but I couldn't help but be attracted to her. And then there's this girl, who really does have a sterling list of qualities, and yet I'm deciding whether I'm attracted to her or not. And I know that even though I want to feel like I'm over her completely, if she were to knock on my door and be all "Hey, I don't know what I was thinking, let's give it a go." I would totally go for it.
It's frustrating.
I feel you.
It sucks.
This may come across as weird or creepy. It's the internet though, so if nothing else, I'd be blending right in.
I want you to meet some guy you completely fall for, who, if not immediately, before you start questioning whether there's a light at the end of the tunnel, falls for you too.
As cool as it would be to be swept of your feet a la some storybook ending, unfortunately that doesn't (usually)happen. Your guy (or or girl, for the rest of us) won't be some prince living in a huge castle under some spell (just watched beauty and the beast) and your story isn't going to be like some idealized Tay Swift song (currently listening it up to her). Nor is he going to be some transcendent demi-god (reading Twilight. It's SO bad), but that's okay, because unlike those stories and instances, yours will be real, and more importantly, it will be yours.
p.s. totally good idea on the transplant list. Do you think that Lance Armstrong will be donating his heart anytime soon? I'd like one with a little more sense too, but as long as I'm getting a heart, it'd be cool if it was a real ticker.