When the Sum of the Parts Doesnt Equal Sleep

I am so drowsy my body aches and is pleading for sleep. Plus, I took two melatonin to help me sleep. Plus I took two painkillers that specify making you drowsy. Plus I have been trying to sleep for 2 hours. Equals, not me being asleep. Being under the weather sucks.


My mind is racing, and going from one extremely random thought to another. I cant stop it. I just want to escape my mind. I just want to sleep. So instead of wasting another two hours of precious sleep time I got up and figured the only option was to write. Perhaps if I spill all my thoughts out then my mind will finally let go.

I keep thinking about relationships. I think of my best friend and her poor broken heart, and how I wish I was there to give her all the chocolate and lollies she could imagine and to sit on swings and just vent and watch scary movies that we will hate. I wish texting wasnt all I could offer sometimes.

I keep thinking about the first time I fell in love. And how everytime I saw him, or talked to him, or we held hands or anything I just had crazy butterflies. I remember how nervous I would always get but at the same time I could always be myself. And it reminds me of what love really is like. And how its been a really really long time since I have felt that way. But not so long that i forget it. Just long enough to make me remember all the reasons why love is awesome and why anything less than that just isnt exactly as awesome.

Then I find myself thinking of how I just wish someone was here to put me to sleep. To tuck me in or cuddle with me until I find sleep. And its reminds me of the crack babies we fostered. And how they would be so uncomfortable and we would have to wrap them so tightly in their blankets and then hold them close to help them find comfort. And as I think of all of those precious babies that touched my life I remember the first little baby that joined our family. And how at fourteen I learned to love someone that wasnt related to me. And I learned what it feels like to have that love taken from you. To be utterly heartbroken and not be able to change it. I remember the day she was taken and the exact events of that night.

And as one thought leads to another and then another I cant stop it. I cant stop my mind long enough for my body to find rest. But it has to. Because I decided tomorrow I was going to feel better and be back to life. Perhaps thats not my decision. How inconvenient.