The Third L Word

Scott Pilgrim. Now that you should be thinking of the same word as me we are ready to move on. If you are sitting here thinking that this post clearly makes no sense, well then our movie tastes are likely just different so you can either abandon ship now, or just be stuck with the extra effort of piecing together where this is going.

I used to think it would be like a fairytale. Like everyone met that special someone in some way that could be made to sound grand, and that it would progress in that perfect fashion. Then I grew up. I realized it was something nearly possible to obtain. Then I didnt allow myself to really partake in believing in it because it made me vulnerable. Then I gave it another shot. Next thing I knew I sorta believed in it, but not whole heartedly. Then the universe changed and I hated it. I hated how much pain it could cause when you placed any portion of your heart in someone elses hands. I started researching the subject like Charlyne Yee did in Paper Heart. I asked tons of people how it happened for them. How they knew. How it could possibly be real. None of it made sense. It did, but then again it just didnt seem to be a concept I could grasp. Which seems ridiculous since I had been in that word before.

Then one day I knew. It wasnt like I got stuck by lightening, that would have been too poetic and dramatic. I was just in a museum, alone. All that could be heard was the soft placement of each step as I tried to be as invisible as possible as I took in the beauty. It was like the world didnt exist outside of me and whatever I was looking at. I was looking at something nonspecific, but it was like I just knew that perfect moment wasnt perfect. It would have been perfect if I wasnt alone. There was someone I wanted to be sharing that perfection with. And then I realized. Somewhere along that gravel path in the darkness I had completely let my guard down. I had exposed who I was entirely to someone else and I didnt want to have a future without them. I felt like I was ready to do whatever it took to give it a shot. And thats when I knew it was the third L word. Because it definitely wasnt the first or the second one.

And it isnt like a fairytale. It is like one of those shows where you are screaming at the television because nothing is playing out like how you want it to and you are so frustrated at the actors and where the storyline is going and it just makes you mental. Thats what it feels like. It feels impossible, and lonely, and hard and it sucks. But sometimes all I can do is smile. So I dont think the third L word is anything like how people say it is. It has to be so different for everyone. My life isnt a movie or a fairytale or a book of any sort. My feelings arent following a flow chart of logicality, in fact they are going the opposite direction. This feels impossible in every single way, but I dont think either of us has been able to completely put the notion of the whole thing away. I tried to bury it. I really did. But it just kept appearing in the oddest places. So I think this is real. I think one day I might even say that word to you.