Sunday Routine.

You get home from your visit at 730.

We put in Peter Pan.

You get us 2 bananas.

We get my dinosaur blanket.

And we lay on mums bed and watch the first hour.

Then mum notices I have kept you up too late again and she puts you to bed.

We love Sunday nights.

Over Vietnamese I made the Bet to end all Bets

It was just a lovely lunch. Catching up. Candid conversation. Everything you could ask for in a perfect lunch. And then it happened. You said you wanted to make a bet. I thought it was a joke, but you were persistant and then chose what you wanted.

If I lose, I have to fly you to Australia to see me.

If I win, you have to fly me to Europe so I can backpack after I graduate.

I hope you dont cry when you have to pay for my flight. There is no way I am losing this one.

A,B,C,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z

Sometimes things are missing in life. Today it was all of the charts between C and T. Which has left me so overly confused about how awkward the filing is in that office. C'est la vie.

But as most things, I feel like there is more to it. This doesnt just have to be about the mess of an office with major components of the alphabet just entirely missing I feel like it can be about my life. Sometimes I feel like things are so complete, but to the outside eye the view is so different. There are always gaps in our lives that seem so blatantly obvious to others but are residing entirely in our blindspot. I think I can see a lot of room for self improvement. So I am trying to take that perspective of an awkward outsider so I can see those wholes screaming for reasoning and longing to be filled.

I suppose these two months of transition are going to provide a lot of enlightening opportunities. Even through I was not really planning on that, but I suppose that is how life works. So I am off to find my missing letters of the alphabet. xo.

I Heard A Rumour About Writing Down Goals for People to See

So I read a lot of random things about goal setting, and becoming your best self, and about changing to become the changes you wish to see in the world. Perhaps this is because I read some yoga literature, perhaps its because I just find people recommend those sorts of books to me, or perhaps its because I like those books most. Regardless, I read them and often feel a huge super strong desire to become better. So here is me taking one little baby step towards becoming my best self.

Goal Setting.

I am becoming committed to this goal so I am writing it down Feel free to remind me of it and threaten to punch me if I am not following through (please do not for real punch me, I am fragile, xo).

Goal. Get in shape, mentally, physically and emotionally, before moving to school.

Completion Date. November 14, 2010 (estimated departure date)

Breaking it down.

• Getting back up to 9 mile runs by running 4 times a week
• Getting back to a regular 6 day a week yoga practice (starting with meditation until I hit 4 weeks post op)
• Cutting out sweets and going more organic, salads, fruits, etc ( we all know I prefer that anyways, its just pure laziness on my part when I falter all the time)
• journal at least 3 times a week for my emotional well-being.

I know these may seem basic to some people, or ridiculous or whatever. But these are those little goals that when I am on top of them I am really truly more happy. And I kinda want to find my best and most content and most peaceful self. So in striving to be my best me I am going to work on these things. And I am so hoping that this blog entry will make me more motivated.

So here goes nothing. Tomorrow is day one of dedicating more time and effort and love to myself. xo

Influence. (How my life has been shaped through music not of my own)

I believe that music is paramountly influential. And because of this belief I would like to record a few artists that have shaped me and the reasons for their beautiful influence.

First off, Jonathan Jones. Not only is he an incredible musician he has also become a dear friend that I love to see. His solo album as well as both of his major bands, Waking Ashland and We Shot The Moon, have been major players in my musical life. I find his soothing voice and the integration of keyboard to be calming and to bring about the same peace they first brought in high school when I fell in love with Waking Ashland. Basically, I love that music and it only holds good memories that expand across many years.

Regina Spektor. This last year I have really gravitated towards her music as I find that her voice really touches me. Also half of her songs make me laugh and the other half seem to evoke emotion. She first came into my musical scene after "Us" was the most perfect song for "500 Days of Summer" to open to. So I love her.

Tegan and Sara. Possibly the artists that have wrote a soundtrack of my life, at least it feels that way. I mean I have been following their music for the last 5 plus years and never been disappointed. Also this year it was my snowboarding music. Sainthood could not have better prepared me for days on the mountain. xo.

Houston Calls. Although with only two albums they broke up I have fallen in love with so many of their songs I really have nothing to complain about. Bob and Bonnie will likely be my wedding song since for me it depicts an ideal relationship. But I think more in general their music is real, it talks about real experiences and I can think of crappy relationships, or good ones, or close friends. It just speaks to me.

Death Cab for Cutie. If there was just one band that I had to choose that has wrote songs about all of my inner most feelings this would be it. Death Cab touches on the things people are often scared to say, or the tragedies that we try to hide from. Thinking about death or falling into a drifting relationship, or settling in marriage are all hard things, but they are so thought out and explored along with so many other topics that Death Cab will always have a piece of my heart.

Dashboard Confessional. Yes I have seen Chris Carrabba play several times and I do love his music but it has been a rough journey for us. I was indifferent, then loved it, then hated it because of an ex then learned to re-love it. So dashboard, your songs are great for mellow days, yoga and sometimes helping me sleep. Thank you.

And Then I Turned Seven. This little known emo band, now known as Jamestown Story, will always be a favourite of mine. Yah, the music is pretty emo, but I love it. I love the outpouring of emotion, the pain, the aching, the tragedy. I personally like to know that someone else has felt as low as I have, that someone else knows what loss, and death and depression can feel like, but that there is hope. I find their music inspiring, always.

Motion City Soundtrack. I dont even know when motion city became such a huge part of my life, but it did. I love them live, I love their cds and I love memories involving them. Warped with Sanchez was ideal and they were my main reason for being there. I mean I just feel inspired and psyched when listening to their songs. And their allusions are fabulous. A band that should not be overlooked, ever.

This post is so not comprehensive, and yet I feel it is complete. Theses artists have literally changed my life with their music. I hope someday I can change someones life like they have changed mine. I have felt love, inspiration, hope, empathy and most other beautiful things through their music. And this is why I love music so much.

A Little Green Eyed Monster

I dont think I ever really have thought of myself as a way jealous person. I mean, perhaps in relationships, but not in general. But then sometimes events happen and I realize I am not the bigger person. Sorry. I am really trying. And usually its not that I want to be in someone elses shoes, I dont, I just wonder why similar situations are not occuring in my life. This year I have had so many loved ones get engaged, get married, get pregnant, have babies, travel, study abroad and do beautiful humanitarian work. And for the most part I was just psyched out of my mind for them. But I will admit, there have been a few moments where its like, shoot, I wish I was in that position.

So today I am making a very conscious effort to be happy with where I am at, and not compare it to where anyone else is. Feeling that little green eyed monster eating away at my soul is most likely not healthy, so this seems like a better approach. So I am content with working and getting to play for 2 months, I am content with at least one roadtrip, and possibly two prospects before I go. I am content with planning a trip to Disneyland with just my sisters and I am content with how well life is healing, physically and emotionally.

In Loving Memory.

Heather Beck.

In the heartache of loss I think its important to remember the beauty of life and the memories you will have forever. We lived so far apart our whole lives but we were cousins, so that meant when we saw each other it was always special.

I am pretty sure my favourite memory with you would have to be when we were down visiting and you had bought a cotton candy machine and would sit at the kitchen table making us cotton candy. It was amazing. And I always remember that you had lemonheads, and since they were american I would only have them when I was at your place. Or when you came up to visit and you loved Metallica so much and would tell me all about them. Or when we picked you up in Utah and we went for dinner. Or just playing at your house when we would come down.

I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we had been closer. But I cant go back and change any of it. I am just glad that we had the chance to reconnect a little before we lost you.

I love you. And your memories will live on.

Those Little, Perfect, Moments

On just the day when life as I knew it seemed to be crumbling into a warped mess I realized what mattered.

David stood for the first time all by himself! And when he realized he could do it he kept trying it.

And Ajulo told me she was so proud of me for finding something, and she brought fruit snacks for me to the game.

And I watched my little sister Kaity at her first high school volleyball game, and Matt even came.

And Meg filled my car with gas cuz she was so happy that I do her homework with her every night for her online class.

And Mum and I went shopping and I could finally wear Lululemon tank tops.

All of these things happened in just one day. So screw mediation and realizing you think your pension is more important than a real relationship with us. You missed all of those little things, and those are the little, perfect, moments that matter most. I would rather be poor forever and not be missing out. And maybe one day I will be brave enough to say that to your face.

True Friends Stab You In the Front - Oscar Wilde

I love Wiki How-To.

Seriously. I read it everytime there is a new one on my igoogle. Which is multiple times a day.

Along with my thought process of secrecy that was mentioned in my earlier post today I think this How-To is an ideal fit. How-to Detox a friendship.

I think so many people get in toxic friendships and are too scared to bail, or fall back into them because they dont want to be alone. There are so many reasons, its the same as staying in a toxic relationship. What an informative How-To. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So if you want some thought provoking reading here is a link.

http://www.wikihow.com/Detox-a-Friendship

I think it is important to recognize when a friendship is weighing you down and bringing grief and stress instead of that calm and peaceful sensation friendships should bring. I am not saying "oh just give up on them and cut all ties" I am just thinking its good to stop and look at where things are at. Its nice to have lots of friends but for me, I like having a few close friends instead of many random acquaintances whom I never talk to.

Friend Inventory.

If its toxic- are you going to say something and try and mend it, or move on? Just be sure of your choice and go with it. If moving on, move on. Delete them on fb and in your phone. Fb friend purging is a favourite of mine. I see no point in having people look at my life when we dont talk in real life. So take a few minutes, do inventory, and mend those failing friendships. Remove animosity. I kinda feel like a hippie in some ways but I really do like just peace.

So thank you to those people that have been willing to stab me in the front and make me a better person. I appreciate all of the times people have helped detox me. And au revoir to those that I have moved on from. I still love you, just from a distance now.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Sophie Kinsella.

What an enjoyable book. I love reading. I really do but I get so caught up in life that I forget to sit and read. So Jenn brought over a HUGE bag full of books and said I had to at least read this one while I was sitting around this week. I picked it up last night and am almost done it. It is the perfect combination of humour, reality and story. I am so intrigued.

It makes me stop and think, okay, most things make me stop and think. Pretty much everything does that to me. Perhaps this is coming from me having a lot of time on my hands for thinking, or because I am trying to really figure out who I am. I dont know. Regardless, Can You Keep A Secret? really has me thinking.

Is it best to keep little secrets? Do you know that you really have met someone you will keep in your life forever when you let those secrets out? What is the value of a secret? Why do we keep secrets? Are people really that afraid of the truth and of letting other people in that we feel we have to hid ourselves?

So as I finished my book I fell for the fairtytale in it, I loved the love, I loved the sharing, I loved the humour. I was captivated. And because of this captivation I began to think of my little secrets, the ones that I have told people. The times secrets have been swapped, like little treasures. And reality shows that those times are the times I built the strongest bonds. When I let people see the real me in every detail I felt closest to them.

So here goes. I am going to share a few small things that will shed light on the inner workings of me. And hopefully it will make you smile or laugh or feel some kind of connection with me as I strive to break the barrier or false impressions and hidden reality in my life.

I am fascinated with love stories because I wonder if anything like that could ever be real.
I have had a spider plant since grade 4 and I am still scared that it attracts spiders.
I dont like dreaming because my dreams often are vivid and stressful.
I am scared to go to a public university.

I know its not much. But I think every little thing you share makes your relationships with people more real. Most secrets are kept out of fear and I dont think fear should rule my life so I think my future will contain less secrets.

With Sharpie Lines and x's Across My Chest I Feel Like A Map

Well here I am. Home. Slightly drugged up. And covered in Sharpie markings. Oh and in pain. But these are all likely outcomes of surgery. So moving on.

The last few days I have felt extra grateful for some specific people. So here is a public thank you.

Thank you Mum for being there the whole time. You have been there for more than I could have even hoped for. In those moments of fear or when I am about to collapse you are so calm and right there, no matter where that is. So thank you. I love you. Even though I know you thought I was perfect without surgery I appreciate your love.

Megs. You hate vomitting and blood and yet I woke up and then you were there. And you brought me a great gossip magazine and my favourite chocolates. I hope you realize how much I love you and I just wish I could do more for you.

Kaity. Sometimes I think you hate watching stupid shows on tv with me, but you always pretend you do because you know I like them So I love you! Plus I swear you have gotten me like 100 cups of water since you dont want me carrying things.


So as I lay here wondering why recovery takes so long I realize that sometimes I forget how blessed I am. Sometimes I get caught up in the sadness and pain of you walking away and I forget that everyone else stayed. And thats what matters most right now. So for those of you who didnt know before, my mum and 2 sisters are my life. And I love them more than anything.

A Haircut to accompany a new life.

A request or two for haircut photos has been made.
consider this your request being processed.
love always.

Dasvedanya

I dont know why but everytime I think of saying goodbye I think of the Russian word Dasvedanya- til we meet again. I read it in some book I think in English class in grade 9. So basically forever ago. And I dont even remember what the book was but I just remember the lady saying Dasvedanya and telling the boy that it was not goodbye, just til they met again. So for the last few years I have found myself in far too many farewell situations and Dasvedanya is always that instinctive thought.

The last few days brought about a whole new breed of farewells, and anyone that knows me really well knows that farewells and I do not mix. I get super emotional and have a hard time actually letting go and saying my well wishes when I know I wont see someone for an extended period of time. I dont know why it is, I just really struggle with it.

But the time finally came where I have graduated from BYU and am moving back to Canada for a little bit. And that meant saying goodbye to the city that has been my home for the last 4 years, saying goodbye to a place full of memories, love and best friends. And once I got back home it hit, I had left it all behind. The tears flowed and I realized it was real, I didnt live there anymore, I didnt go to that school anymore, I was somewhere else.

Dasvedanya is how I have to think of it thought, I will see all of you again. It just might not be right away. If I thought of it as goodbye it would be too hard. I wouldnt have been able to leave. And reality is some goodbyes felt nearly impossible to leave. Some left me out late into the night because I couldnt stand to think I wouldnt see you again. And some left me crying as I read farewell texts full of love.

So Dasvedanya my dear Provo friends. I love you. And miss you already. So, uhm if you want to come visit me in July I will be in Canada for the Stampede.. just an open invitation there.

Dasvedanya - til we meet again.

ps Some goodbyes last week were permanent. You are in a better place now, and I will keep telling myself that until it doesnt hurt. I love you, and you are missed.

A Unicorn Flag

All epic roadtrips and events have a symbol to identify them, something to make them stand out and represent that this event is not average. And well, a Unicorn Flag was exactly such for a quick surf trip to San Diego.

First off, I have a minor obsession with unicorns as of late, so this flag basically warms my soul just by being in my car. So yes, Justin, you are on a flag, and you were the symbol of the most epic and random trip.

To summarize Soph, her bf and Jake and I went to San Diego, spent a morning trying to learn to surf (Jake knew how), oh and we had breakfast at the greatest little shack on the beach, and then it was over a massive and magnificently structured bridge to an island, then to the most friendly families house, for an evening of laughter, crepes and building friendships. That basically was the trip, minus driving, and it was beautiful.

I have a ton of respect for Surfers now, that is for sure. Surfing has always been on my bucket list, and since Australia is fast approaching I felt such a strong urge to at least attempt surfing, which inspired this trip. And well, after my attempts, I have realized surfing is way freaking hard, and I am determined to nail it. As expected.

One last important fact to note is that the drive home literally consisted of at least 5 hours of just talking about Pokemon. It was amazing. And I absolutely loved it. Yes, I am not ashamed that I love playing Pokemon on my gameboy.

So overall, the trip was spontaneous and an adventure and it just reinforced my relationship with soph and jake. Also, I love the unicorn flag and it will actually go up in my Australian place.

"Why Do I even try Parenting You Anymore?"

Yesterday my mother realized the futility of trying to parent me. Perhaps at 22 I have decided to run my own life. I am thinking this is for the best. Although, my dear mother will always have that special place in my life.

I love LOVE

I was thinking about Love, but not love like "I love you, lets get married love", more like love love. And there is so much freaking love in my life. I cannot even believe it. So, to re-emerge back to my blog I want to share some of the beauty of love.

Love is your best friend finding the most beautiful dress for you to wear because you dont feel pretty.

Love is a family that fits you in perfectly, even when you are not actually family.

Love is just looking up at the night sky and realizing how happy clouds and stars make you.

Love is the feeling after a long run.

Love is doing yoga and feeling the peace and beauty it brings.

Love is getting a haircut and realizing hair is just a thing.

Love is abandoning expectations and living now.

Love is everywhere and in everything. And I wish people noticed that more.

I love you.

Perhaps emotions were never meant to be a secret.

I used to resent emotion. I hated that vulnerable feeling. I was actually rather skilled at hiding my emotions. Things were brushed off or ignored instead of dealt with.

I am glad I grew up.

Today I sat and cried with someone I barely knew. And it was amazing. I forgot how crying can clear things up. Although I am still surprised at the amount of tears I found. They lasted for hours. I was so sad and didnt realize it. I think I have been sad for awhile. I guess thats grieving. I am not particularity a fan of grieving actually. Its not really my style. But today I decided not to be sad alone. I sat with a friend while ants attacked me. And then I called my beautiful mother. And partook in the glory of scrubs.

Yes. I am glad I grew up and learned that sharing emotion only makes the healing process so much easier and more bearable. Thank you for noticing when I needed a friend. Even if it made you miss some of church.




ps. Someone shared their secret back with me today. And perhaps to them its not even a secret, maybe its more of a story. Regardless, I think our friendship is growing in an extraordinary way. It makes me smile. I think the best part is that its real.

the only reality is love.

I feel like I heard this from some ridiculous television show. Yes I must have. So it was most likely the bachelorette. Dont judge, I totally just googled it to make sure, it was definately the bachelorette. I remember hearing it and starting a post entitled "the only reality is love" because I think it is beautiful. Also, I just think it is something to consider. I love contemplating love, and its implications and its effects. It is the most heartbreaking thing sometimes, but love really is so gorgeous.

ps I feel like I am like 14 having a crush on a boy. It is ridiculous.

Chakras

So in class we studied Chakras, or energy centres in the body.
I want to clarify one thing first, I am not into the Chakras, they will not be a part of my practice and I will not likely ever mention them when I teach yoga. However, they are a part of yoga so I am informed.

However, we did a few quizzes etc and apparently I have too much energy focused on my 4th Chakra, that part that stands out about this is that in the 4th Chakra it is "how you feel about others". Yes, I definately have spent too much time dwelling in this area of my life.

Introspection never ceases to amaze me. I wonder if I will ever have a clear view of myself. Regardless, I learned one more thing about me tonight, and I think thats what is the important thing to take away.

Who am I really when I peel all the layers away?

So I have been living,eating and breathing yoga. It is so time consuming. But I love it. And the first day we were talking about who we really are once we take all of those superficial layers away. Who are you when you take away your nationality and that you are a daughter, or father, or sister, or aunt or uncle or friend. Who are you when you take away that you are in school or working? Its actually a huge question.

So each day as I meditate, which happens a lot, I contemplate this.

Who am I?

The reality of the answer can be shocking. It can be beautiful. It can be heartbreaking. But regardless of the answer, I think its important for us to know who we are so we can look at what we want to become and what we want to change and what we love. It is eye opening.

So I want to write a little of what I have concluded.

I am imaginative, nothing seems impossible in my mind. Perhaps thats why I choose animals that some people dont believe are real when asked what animal I would be if I could be any. I am broken. I am life, every day I am here is proof of this. I am love. I am delicate. I am adventure. I am losing a mental battle with myself. I am peace. I am understanding. I am full of fear. I am insecure, now more than ever.

As I sit and look at the little things that make me in detail sometimes I smile as I realize I am all the things I want to be. And sometimes I just feel sorrow as I am allowing myself to be engulfed by extrinsic factors, or even internal ones that should not dominate. But overall I think the reality of who I am is beautiful.

Breath is the life of yoga. We are our breath. So perhaps the answer to the question really is, I am my breath.

Even Baby Dinosaurs have to grow up.

Its been awhile. I think I have just felt inadequate lately. Like a little baby dinosaur. Feeling like I have a role to fill but feeling to small, and insignificant. Feeling unworthy perhaps. All feelings that really should have just been shoved to the side. But in the cloud that my life was I just let them all in, and they broke me down.

It happens. Thats life right? But I am getting back up. I dont think mentally I wanted to acknowledge anything. Physically I had stopped eating. No food appeals to me, the thought of eating makes me want to vomit. So you would think being me I would catch on. Nope. Stress killed my appetite, my ability to enjoy food, it made me anemic and dropped my hemoglobin killing all my energy. And yet I ignored it. In fact I would have kept on going most likely but then it changed.

I have known for like a week or more that for some reason I could count on you, that I needed to just be able to tell you what was up. So I did. And I was so freaking scared. And then you were basically wonderful. The best perhaps. So thanks. I feel a lot better, people are right, talking helps a ton. You were supportive and understanding and you let me talk about it, and just say what I felt and that was okay. I almost feel like the conversation isnt over, it was a little interrupted. You asked at the end what I was going to do now. I dont know. But I couldnt say that, I know I need to just grow and learn but thats hard. So I dont know. see you soon?

The point is, like a little dinosaur, sometimes we dont know what we need. We are unaware of the signs thrown in our face telling us whats up. We just dont recognize them, or dont know what they mean. And sometimes it takes someone else to help you see reality. I guess today I found someone that saw my desperate need for coping, a need I didnt see. I feel like if I was a baby dinosaur I would have evolved a little today, and thats a joyful feeling.

ps. My life is really grand, I feel like my blogging has been an outpouring of my feeling broken, but I swear I am super lucky and my life is really super awesome.

Rememberies

Yesterday was full of picture perfect moments walking through my life. I began boxing up my childhood as I went through my desk and toybox in my old room. There was so much. There were school projects, and notes, and letters, and cards and toys. And it was beautiful. I loved flipping through my photo box and all of the secret notes I had been passed over the years. Those are the things I just cant get rid of.

Then we went to Grandmas house. They live just down the country road from where I grew up. Since Dustin was with us we drove up our old driveway. As we got close meg and I just began pouring out memories of biking down that road and learning to skate and tobogganing and camping and hiding in the trees. As we got up the long winding driveway we realized that our home had been torn down and another one built in its place. It was more majestic and grand. Yet it seemed so wrong. I loved that little baby blue barn. It was a home, as homes should be.

Then we went to grandmas and were wandering the property as grandpa had made a one hole golf course. It was funny. But mostly as we walked around I remembered climbing the trees in the backyard, and learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels, and looking for treats on an Easter hunt.

Yes, yesterday was full of remembering memories. My childhood was beautiful. I hope one day I can give my future children a life full of rememberies.

Because I think everyone should own a real pair of cowboy boots..

Today I realized how stressed I have been. Things have been falling apart just as fast as they have been falling into place. And its hard. And I have been coping so poorly. I am sorry I have been tired and frustrated and short and impatient. Its just so much and so overwhelming and I let it take over.

But then tonight in a few moments I remember how it felt to be purely happy. I realized I have been so caught up in being sad or in masking sadness that I forgot to just let myself have moments where nothing else matters except the beauty of the moment.

We chatted on fb. I hate fb chat so much. But you were on and well I have not seen you in 5 years. So I had to say hello. I hope you stay in Utah an extra few days so I can see you in July and in August. I would love that. I missed you, but I didnt realize it until you came back into my life.

The beautiful surface doesnt always reflect the core of it all.

Amidst the plaid shirts and cowboy boots I found myself meeting someone new the other night. Someone I had seen before but never had a chance to actually become acquainted with. As we got talking about life and our future plans he said something and I found myself dwelling on it as I awoke this morning. He commented on things are just going so great for me, and how exciting my life is. I mean upon meeting he found out I had just graduated with my bachelors degree, am becoming a yoga instructor over the next few weeks and am moving to Australia for grad school for the next two years. Yes, it all sounds so brilliant. It made me smile on the outside as he remarked, and yet inside I was thinking of how sad and broken I have been lately. If only he knew.

So instead of allowing myself to appear broken and always let those rolling alligator tears control my adventuring I am setting them aside. They have a place and thats where they need to stay.

Life is so beautiful and I am in between the most adventurous and insane times of my life. I am about to move literally across the world to somewhere where I dont know a single person. It will be amazing. So yes, that gorgeous boy was right, life is so exciting for me right now.

PostSecret

I was recently introduced to Postsecret, as I picked it up off a coffee table in your living room. Little did I know it would be addicting and fascinating. I will admit it. I like knowing peoples secrets. It makes me feel a connection and reminds me that we all have secrets. We all have things we wish we could scream from the top of a building downtown but for some reason or another we cant. Yes, I love being apart of someones secrets, I really do. As such I find that myself thinking about my secrets dozens of times a day.

Today I realized my postsecret secret. It made me cry.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself what matters most

As I was driving home today, after a most lovely afternoon, I was realized how genuinely happy I was at that moment. I will be straightforward about this, as I tend to be. After spending time with someone there are various responses I tend to have or notice people having:

1. You are genuinely happy
2. You are glad you did it but dont plan on it again anytime soon
3. You fulfilled an obligation and are now moving on
4. You are frustrated with the time lost
5. You just feel kinda crappy

Its those people that make you genuinely happy that you need to hold as close as possible. And then I get thinking, well if someone can make me so incredibly happy regardless of whatever else may be happening then arent they someone worth fighting for? Arent they the type of person you aspire to be? In fact, they are the type of person that you would do anything to have them in your life forever.

And it has happened again. I am once again reminded why some people matter so much to me. The people that continually enrich my life and make me want to do everything possible to be a better person matter the most to me. So as I sit here replaying conversations and outings over and over again in my mind I think of how much you have changed my life. Thank you. I hope that one day I can do even a small part to enrich yours.

Also I picked up a book on a couch today that was incredible. I must purchase it. "One: How many people does it take to make a difference? - Kobi Yamada"

I would like to make a difference in the world. Daily.

Yes, today was a beautiful day full of realizing how I can be a better person and being filled with the desire to enrich someones life the way I have had mine enriched.

And once again I find Scrubs expressing my life..

"Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind."

I think I am often like JD. Sometimes I do get exactly what I think I want but I find myself sometimes looking back and missing what I had or wondering what it would be like if I still had it. I am not the best at living in the moment, unfortunately. But I am trying.

I mean here I am, back in Calgary and finally done my undergrad. And I honestly miss being in Provo. I miss my house, and my life being around school, I miss how chill things can be there and the freedom associated with my life there. I thought I just wanted to come back and I dont think thats what I really wanted. Although, I am lucky, I am staying here, it was just a few weeks sort of thing. What I really want is grad school and that looks like its on the up and up. So hopefully once I get there I dont find myself wishing I was back on this side of the world.

As I read JD's quote today, it seemed to remind me of relationships and all of those times I have thought how much I wish I was still with someone, usually a relationship long past. I always remind myself the reasons why that didnt work out but its those days when you wish you werent alone that you find yourself longing something you know was wrong. I am sure this happens to other people and not just me, but its kinda frustrating hey. I guess you just have to look at it as a reminder of what you are really looking for in a relationship, look for the good and bad and make note of what worked and what caused issues. There is always room for improvement next time.

So those days when you see me pining for something long gone or something I chose to let go, just punch me and remind me to love where I am and the choices I have made. Because living in yesterday wont get me to the freaking rad future I have in mind.

"You are the Best"

The other week I was having a discussion about languages of love with my mother and brother. My mum was telling me how their are 5 forms:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5.Physical Touch

As we talked about it I realized my brother is the type of person that likes words of Affirmation. He thrives on praise- something I had never noticed before. My little sister is the age where she is transitioning so I would say she still is affection with touch but also quality time and words of affirmation. Kaity (yes I know you will read this and be like holla) would be the first to tell you I am definately not a physical touch person. I really like Acts of service. When someone does even the smallest thing for me I get super psyched about it. Like when my roommate Lana made me a birthday cake, or when I was sent flowers for my birthday, or when Keith brought me chocolate from Berlin or Jojo gave me a cell when mine broke. I am just blown away when these things are done for me. That is for sure my language of love. I also love giving service. Although when I know the language that someone else prefers I definitely try to cater to that.

However, for the last year I have tried to get Jerry to tell me I am the best. I am not even entirely sure how this happened. It someone came up that I feel like when someone calls you the best it is basically the ultimate compliment. So he would often say things like "lauren you are the best... at choosing books." He would always finish it with something instead of just saying I was the best. For some reason this drove me crazy. Until yesterday. Yesterday he admitted that I am the best.

So I suppose we all like different aspects of each Language of Love. We generally have one we prefer but there are definately times when they all seem to be needed or wanted.

"Lauren, your legs look so cute, and shiny"

I have a little sister that says the best things ever. So I would like to devote this post to her and the incredible things she has said in the last few weeks.

"Is that legal?"

"Pants on the ground.. pants on the ground.. pants on the ground" (she sang it during dinner, out of no where)

After listening to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance "Kate love love loves basketball. Mum I love love love you."

"Put a shirt on! You gonna scar me for life!"

During dinner she got up and started tapping our heads "duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, goose, goose goose goose ...haha you cant get my tail!" (I dont think she really know how to play duck duck goose...)

Last nights dinner takes the cake for the best meal with her. It began with her singing "I'm a B" then she would say "mwahahahaha now you will never find it!" and each time she put food in her mouth it was chomping noises. haha the best part was that Jerry had joined us for dinner.. that poor boy.

Yes, she is the best.

Because I love Canada So.

Happy Birthday Canada. I love you.

Perhaps America Day is lovely too, but Canada Day is just one of those days I always look forward to. Parade in the morning, then lunch, then a rodeo- with mini donuts! And its just perfect.
I love it. Of course I love anyday where I get to attend a rodeo, there is just something magestic about it. I will be the first to admit that Cowboys are the most manly men there are, I cant help but adore them. And then there is just the atmosphere, everything is just chill. Plus I get mini donuts.

I love Canada.

Super Suck on That!

Hey Jeff, as promised I am blogging about it. yes I kicked your butt at Sorry! And it super sucked for you. Oh and dont try and say that you beat me so bad the second time, you didnt. You mildly beat me. So super suck on that.

ps I only took perhaps half of the blame so I think you should take the other half.. just saying.

Applying for Scholarships is like bra shopping..

As I sat on my laptop in the living room looking at yet another scholarship I felt like was impossible to get I yelled "hey mum, looking for scholarships is like bra shopping, its frusterating and makes me go ughjmsadfjkbhghhhh". She gave me one of those looks like 'Lauren did you really just say that?' and laughed. She remarked on how bad it must be since she knows my hatred for bra shopping.

So today I just have to laugh. Two weeks ago I would have told you that you were an idiot if you said I would spend my time at home obsessing over scholarships and loans and lines of credit. Yet here I am.

Life is funny. Especially my life. The most ridiculous things always seem to happen.

Another example. I get home from work and find Big Bird in my bed. I ask my little sister and she laughs and crawls in my bed and tells me she is having a nap. Last time I checked she had now left big bird, a baby, a blanket and a stroller strewn across my bed. You think these things dont happen til you have children.. but thats life. And I am pretty sure if I didnt laugh at all those stupid little things I would get so stressed I would break down. So tonight I am just laughing at how ridiculous my life is.

As the Walls Come Crashing Down

Do you ever feel like you are builidng your life, like a building. Each accomplishment is another carefully laid piece in your masterpiece. And then something happens and you realize your building is a glass house. Its like you have been working on this carefully hidden masterpiece for so long that you forgot it was not hidden. Its as if someone has unveiled it. And there you are, scared and feeling so small amidst these accomplishments, with your life just on display in your little glass building.

I think that is the best way to describe how I feel. But then add it feels like the walls are falling down. Its all so overwhelming and frightening, yet beautiful. As you stop and see your accomplishments all piecing together and seeing that they actually mean something and you are doing something.

I have been back in Calgary for just over a week and I will be the first to say its a gong show, and sometimes its just really hard. Dont get me wrong, I love it. Calgary is of course my home. I love the familiarity of the hospital, like my first morning back when I ran into Mo, he delivers packages and he stopped and asked how school was. There is just so much about that place that screams comfort, as it should after 6 years. And then there have already been the days out with friends which have been lovely.

Then opposite to it all I have felt so vulnerable lately. I feel like my life is on display. Like people are just sitting there watching and waiting, expecting me to do something miraculous. But with the word 'conditional' still in play its not like I can rejoice about grad school, yet. So its hard. I know people have always expected me to do something big with my life, but that stresses me out sometimes. I will do something, and it will make me happy but I wish there werent so many people watching and counting on it. I dont like the spotlight much. In fact, I hate feeling on display. Plus at the instability of life here and the emotional damage following each of us like a shadow, and well, as you can guess the vulnerability is just exposed.

So as I sit here on my bed thinking about how I feel weighed down from five weeks of trying to put up walls someone else knocked down, I realize I am down. I am ready to let the walls fall and rebuild. I was already on the path of making my own life, and grad school, if it goes through this week etc etc, well that is just another way that I have been building those walls on my own. So world, if you must stop and watch, please realize as each wall comes down and breaks on me I am just going to get up and build something more beautiful. C'est la vie.

"You will find that man that is looking for someone just your size and height"

When someone has faith in you when you have none in yourself it inspires change.

The other day I was at work, nearing my last day of work. And this kind old faculty member was chatting with me, as he was prone to do when he came to swim. He would always tell me to go see a Doctor about my problem with being up so early, since I was at work at 6. I would laugh. This time I told him not to worry as it was my last early morning there. He asked about my future. As I started telling him I felt like it was so indefinate, so scattered. It was like word vomit coming out, all of these sort of things I thought might be rad but no plans. Come September I would be entirely lost.

After he swam he came and found me in the office studying, he wanted to say goodbye. As we were doing our farewells he said some things that wont soon be forgotten. He wished me luck and then asked what I was going to do when I was in Australia and a handsome Mormon boy looking for someone just my height and size came around. I laughed and shook it off saying I had no idea about Australia or anything but I wasnt too worried about that boy. He told me that it would work out and I was going to Australia.

This man barely knew me. We just spoke and laughed as he would swim some mornings when I was there, and I didnt work mornings consitently. And yet he had faith in me that I had lost. He knew I was going to do something with my life. He knew I was not going to be a little lost sad puppy wandering in September. I wish I had that faith in myself more often.

So I am trying. I am graduated! (I got a view of my Ochem grade on blackboard- and I passed! Holla!) I am going to do something rad this fall. And I will keep my blog posted on it. So as unsure as I am of my life now that I have graduated, I am sure I will do something epic and beautiful. And I have renewed faith in myself. I just finished 4 years at a hard University far away from home. I learned to live on my own and I built friendships that will never end. Yes, I have faith in myself again. I can, and will, make a life for myself now, outside of BYU.

love.

Music Mends Broken Hearts.

I used to be rather on top of the music scene. As high school was coming to its last two years I really focused on music. I would never be on the computer unless I was listening to Purevolume. I was almost obsessed with it. Freshman year of University I found myself in a city that had killer shows, all the time. I went to as many as possible. Waking Ashland, Straylight Run, Cute is what we aim for, hellogoodbye, cartel, new found glory.. and so it goes on.

But then I got more focused and I still loved music but it just was not a priority anymore. (Dont worry, this story has a happy ending)

As school was finishing up and I was finding myself stressed and lost I realized how much I miss music. I miss knowing random tiny underground bands. I miss having lyrics describe how I feel at basically all times. I miss having songs stuck in my head. And I do wish I had the shirt that says "I listen to bands you've never heard of". haha. So I have resolved to bring back that joy. Oh and part of this resolution came when I realized that Rufio was once again making music and has an album coming out in July. Hurray.

So I am back to purevolume and absolutepunk. I am back to looking up concerts, in fact - my graduation party will be at Kilby Court. Waking Ashland is doing a reunion show that night so since I would not miss that for anything I am bring my whole family there haha. It is my grad so I get to choose these things. Epic timing.

Perhaps my posts will start including lyrics or songs that haunt me more. Perhaps my blog will not be changed. All I know is that music changes everything. It sets the mood and creates ambiance. It helps people get through things, like pain, and stress and even those epically stellar moments.

So in honour of my love for music here are a few favourites for certain times. Enjoi.

Emo Days- And then I turned Seven (now called Jamestown Story)
Running- Fall Out Boy
Pre Snowboarding- Tegan and Sara
To create those happy moments- Motion City Soundtrack, White Tie Affair
For stress relief- Waking Ashland, We Shot the Moon, Regina Spektor
To fall asleep to- Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional
When you wish you were in love, or perhaps are in love- Ingrid Michaelson, Ben Folds
When I need to laugh- Jesse McCartney and Jay Sean (note this works best if Soph is in the room)
For roadtrips- Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and Taylor Swift (if Jenn is there)
Ultimate Breakup Song- Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley

Music has gotten me through some of the worst days ever and I think that should be noted. I love my cds, and that they are alphabetized, and that I have to own a cd if I like the artist, yes I physically have to have the cd.

Let me thank absolute punk for their moto as it inspired todays blog post. So thank you.

Close Your Eyes and Count to Three

When you want something to go away or your are scared you close your eyes and count to three and then you go for it. You become brave and you step up.

So I am sitting here and closing my eyes and counting and hoping I can be brave. I have two more days to give it my all and hopefully it goes well and I graduate. I have two days to make my mark at BYU. And then I have to pave a future. I have spent the last 22 years following a path that basically seemed laid out for me. Going to University out of high school seemed natural. But nothing seems so apparently natural after university. I mean I want to get into grad school but thats still up in the air. And I want to teach Yoga but do I work somewhere or start a studio? Thats in the air too. So here I am. So close and so confused.

But its exciting! I can do anything I want. and trust me, I will. I plan on doing something epic. So as terrified as I am of the future I am basically stoked at the same time. So cross your fingers the next two days/two exams go well.

Love Kills More Brain Cells Than Crystal Meth

Thank you Veronica Mars for that lovely quote. Today I finished the last episode of Veronica Mars. It seems tragic not only because I love that show but because I fall asleep to it almost every night. I have a lot of trouble sleeping lately and it would tend to soothe me to sleep. So now to searching for a new sleep aid, which is no big deal as its finals time. I mean pure exhaustion should be what puts me to sleep the next few nights. So that issue will lay to rest for another day.

Just taking a quick moment to think on the title of todays thoughts. It is so true. Love makes you do the dumbest things. Just thinking about the stupid things I have said or done or thought would work because of love makes me laugh. So perhaps we can all find amusement in the stupidity that love brings, but not in a cynical way. Love is so beautiful and needs to be acknowledged as such. It just tends to kill common sense on its way to beauty, thats all.

Relationships are like Pokemon

It was about a whole decade ago that I had the greatest desire for a Gameboy. So I remember saving up and getting money for my birthday and when it rolled around my lovely Grandmother took me to buy a teal Gameboy Colour, and Pokemon blue. I was so pysched. I seriously loved playing Pokemon.

Then last year came and I found myself bored walking to and from school and between classes, so I began playing Pokemon as I walked. I will admit it, I was just as psyched to play as I had been years ago. I am super close to finishing the game actually, I just havent played in a few months. Perhaps after finals I will beat the League.

So heres the thing. I realized as I was writing a letter that relationships are just like Pokemon. While playing Pokemon you run into different Pokemon in so many places, the grass, buildings, caves, forests etc. And if you want to catch them you have to fight them, sometimes you overpower them, sometimes they get away, and sometimes you just dont want them. There are times you catch one and start training them and you find out they were not all you hoped for so you put them into storage and search for a different Pokemon. Then there are other times when you realize that they are your favourite and you train them so so so much and you love them.

It correlates so strongly in my mind. I find myself meeting people in so many different places, and you never know what will happen. There are times when I choose that its not someone I want to pursue and I walk away from it. Then there are times when I find myself so intrigued but the feelings are not mutual. And sometimes I think I have found what I am looking for and then I realize it wasnt what I expected or perhaps what I truly wanted, so I put it away and look for someone else. But sometimes you get lucky. You meet someone so special and it turns out that they feel the same way and they become a favourite, someone you grow to love and treasure.

So even though relationships are so ridiculously hard sometimes I at least find the ridiculousness to be understandable as I sit here and think of how I make sense of it all through Pokemon. Maybe video games are more beneficial than society gives them credit.

Reasons Why I need a Unicorn Named Justin

Sometimes you just need someone to talk things over with. When those big decisions hit you need that place of comfort and familiarity so you can make that big decision. As most life lessons, I can relate this to Scrubs. I need a unicorn like JD. He has Justin and sits on Justin for all major decisions. Why dont I have a unicorn? I do not know.

But as unicornless as I am I still have all of those big decisions. And I cant say I dont have my own Justins. Running provides such beauty and clarity, as does Yoga. But most often I can see the answers in my own writing. As I email Soph about the novel of my life each week or as I write Vicki another letter about life and my future I see the answers pouring out in front of me. Perhaps my letters to them provide little more than amusment or the feeling of me being there, but I know for me they bring the clarity that those 2 girls would give me if they were here. Sometimes its like I forget that I know whats best for me. Its so easy to remind someone else of their beauty and talents and yet so hard to see our own.

I should learn to take my own advice more.

I still would like a unicorn to name though and to sit on as I ponder the life decisions that are being thrown in my face. I am about to join the real world. The world outside of being at BYU. The world where I need a job and its up to me to be happy and to make all those decisions that make me happy. So here I am thinking of all of these life shaping decisons and I am unicornless. Why dont they make Toms with unicorns on them? I dont know. I was just thinking I would really adore them.

So theres the thing. I have running and yoga and writing to help me find the answers that JD sits on his unicorn for. Perhaps I am not as unicornless as I think. love.

I Wrote This Letter in My Head, Cuz so Many Things were Let Unsaid.

two posts in one day. Do not expect this often. They were just unrelated so instead of making some long neverending post I chose to write two. Plus this one is really one that needs to stand alone as its a little more indepth and meaningful to me.

I have a tendency to write. I like lists and notes and letters. I just like writing. Which is a huge reason why I blog. But I frequently find myself feeling compelled to write. Sometimes it leads to Vicki getting insanely long letters, or Soph getting emails that seem to neverend. But more often than not, it leads to me writing all those things I wish I could say to someone. Its those things I think and cant get out of my head. I write these letters in my head and somedays they just come out. Perhaps once I will send one.

I got thinking about it though today because yesterday I recieved a note that I felt like I had just been imagining. I wrote it from you to me in my head so many times because I wanted it to be real. And there it was. Scribbled on the back of an envelope from someone else. And for once the letters I wrote over and over and finally had one to send to you seemed to mean something.

I think there are two people that I find myself often writing to or about lately but I just dont send things. Its because you mean the world and I am too afraid to ruin that fragile balance we have. The scales are set so perfectly in our world of friendship and endless support. So because I like the stability and familiarity I may never get to sending you all the letters I write, or to saying all the things I think. But you will always know I care. I can guarantee that.

So I write these letters in my head, of all the things I leave unsaid.

Multiples of 11. Because today is not an Unbirthday.

Today is one of those days. Its not like the other 364 Unbirthdays I find myself having each year. And for the first time I am not home. I am still away at school. I pictured today being like most days, except a little greyer and drearier. I know, it paints a pathetic picture, however, I did have my emo music loving days in high school and I still know how to create those forlorn ideas.

I imagined being so alone. Spending the day in classes and work and doing homework. Except it would be worse than most days because it is supposed to be a special day. I set myself up for the letdown I so readily anticipated.

And then it came and was so beautiful! The beauty began with a bouquet of bright yellow flowers and a note wishing me a " Happy Birthday Sunshine". I felt so loved and well happy. These flowers definately evoke joy. And then I check that mailbox.. that one I religiously check each day just wishing there was something there. And it was different. There was 4, yes 4, envelopes for me! I was so psyched!

As I opened the most fitting present from Megs (along with a gorgeous card) this morning it began to hit. I was so far from being alone. Today was going to be a glorious day. I opened a handmade card from Jenn, reminding me of a present back home. A card full of missing me from Kaity- along with drawings Ajulo did. And then there is Spit, he chose out a little boys birthday card - and I couldnt have loved it more! I opened Mums card early and it was Dr Seuss. So it obviously fit perfectly.

And then there were those people that were too far away. Like little Soph. Cairo is so far.. but she wouldnt forget about me! I got the most killer email this morning. I think if all I had received today was that email- well it would have still been a perfect day. She has a way of making me feel so loved. And Sanchez. Oh Vicki, I am ready for you to come home. But since she is still a missionary I really didnt even think she would remember my day of birth. Who am I kidding. She sent the sickest letter. So yay.

Kaity and I are doing dinner etc this evening and well basically you can see today is so special. I likely have the most loving family and friends. So thanks. Thats all. I thought today would just be dreary and it feels like the sun is just living over my face today.
love.

Hurray for multiples of 11.

ps happy belated michael.

It's all in the Name.

Do you ever name inanimate objects? I definately do. When I own something and it becomes important to me or has sentimental value etc it often finds itself named. For example, my ipod- spartacus, my camera- layla, my snowboard- rory, longboard- brodan. You see, I name things. And the name indicates something. Spartacus makes me think of That thing you Do, which correlates to music, hence my Ipod. When I bought my lovely Nikon SLR I was a huge fan of Flyleaf and Layla is a name in my favourtie Flyleaf song. And so goes the naming game.

Here I am. Two years to the day from when I was in the hospital having a procedure to eliminate the pain I was in. Two years ago I couldn't imagine how incredible pain free my life would be, and how much that would change everything. My perspective changed, my countenance changed, I grew up, I recognized benefits of trial and error and technology and patience. Two years ago things changed. And as I tend to name things, I have 'Molly' to thank for these great two years. Molly because it makes me think of something so sweet and innocent and caring, something that does everything it can to make your life better.

Unrelated Sidenote.
Most of my friends say the best two years of their life was a mission,
I think the last 2 years have been my best as I have learned and grown the most.

2:18:52

2 Hours. 18 Minutes. 52 Seconds.

What can you do in that amount of time? More importantly, what do you choose to do?

I chose to run a half marathon. Holla! I found out my time today and I was pretty much psyched. It may be enough motivation to have me do another, I am still too sore to run, mostly my knee just aches. No big. But I am pretty sure I want to do another. Aim for like 2 hours.

But here is the thing. What am I really doing with my life? I can't even begin to tell you the amount of time I have wasted. Two hours here watching Veronica Mars, two hours there facebook stalking, two hours just doing nothing of importance. But don't get me wrong. There is another side to it. There have been countless 2 hour times when I was talking to a friend, or studying, or working, or volunteering. I just feel like I should more consciously be trying to make each 2:18:52 count.

So I resolve, just to myself you know, to make it count. I want to be able to look back and laugh and smile thinking of what I did for those 2:18:52, like I do when I think of monday.
love.

13.1

What does 2 different numbers and a period really mean?

Today, for me, it meant facing the biggest challenge I have put myself through. I chose to do this. I ran my first half marathon. I was not prepared. It seemed so doable. Like I didnt really need to be all completely prepared for it. I felt like I had it down. And then I got there. I heard how hard it was, and that it was not for beginners. It hit. I had no idea what I was in for. I was not ready at all. But it was too late. I had to go through with it.

Mile 4. I thought I was about to die. I started way too fast and it was a LOT of up hills. I broke down mentally. I felt like I coudnt run further, my lungs hurt, I was tired. It was just too hard. There was no way I could do another 9 miles. I just wanted to leave. But then I knew it was up to me. I had to change my perspective. I had to embark on the mental game of convincing myself to continue.

I dont even really know what happened. I just knew this was something I wanted to accomplish and that quitting was not an option. It was so hard. But by mile 6 I was game. I was ready to nail the last 7 miles and to prove to myself that I could handle a half marathon.

Its not like the next 7 miles were easy. It was grueling. The hills just kept coming. My knee ached. My lungs hurt. But everything had changed mentally. I knew I would do the next 7 miles and I would be proud of myself. So I did.

And when I finally saw the end, and all of the people cheering I was so psyched! They were there supporting me. And I did it. I ran my first half marathon. And I am so much stronger because of it.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves through really hard things. Today I chose to put myself through 13.1 miles. And everytime we accomplish or overcome hard things, well we just grow. You have to choose to stand up or else the waves of life will continually beat you down. Today I feel like I stood tall. And I am ever so proud of myself.

maybe one day I will do it again. 13.1

Purpose, Fulfillment and being Effectual

Oh life.

This week was possibly the most horrid week I have had in ages. Actually, for sure it was. Looking back I cannot say it was the worst week of my entire life as I learned so many beautiful things. So here are eight of them, because 8 is my favourite number.

1. I learned that I have grown up.

2. I can cope with hard situations in healthy ways.

3. I can run really far sometimes and it makes me happy.

4. There are a LOT of people that care about me and will do anything for me.

5. I am determined to fulfill my dreams and that gives me hope and motivation.

6. That no matter what, I am never alone.

7. That sometimes a replacement family is enough for the moment.

8. That I love bakeries and farmers markets and feeling like I am part of a city and contributing to the people making a living right here.

9. (I had one more) That I am beautiful. Regardless of how I feel sometimes.

PURPOSE

I have a purpose here. Sometimes I forget that. Sunday night I had the best phone call ever. And a dear dear friend reminded me of my purpose in some situations. He reminded me about my role in the family, and that I am graduating and that I will do a lot of great things.

yes, my life has so much purpose. And I am PSYCHED about it! yay! I am going to do great things one day. Monday it will be running a half marathon, in 3 weeks it will be graduating, and soon it will be having a real job. Purpose makes me motivated.

FULFILLMENT

Sometimes I just need reminders that I am fulfilling something. Currently I am working on fulfilling dreams. And finding fulfillment in my daily occurances. For instance, this week I noticed how I felt after running, and when I took time to just sit and talk with a friend or enjoy the fresh air of outside, and it left me filled. I think I want to try and find one thing everyday that makes me a better person. That would be fulfilling.

EFFECTUAL-NESS

As I stopped by Its Yoga again this week I thought of how stoked I am to be a yoga instructor, it will be incredible. The thought of it makes me feel like I am progressing towards a place where I will be able to teach other people to recognize their mind-body connection and the peace and rejuvenation of yoga. Also, as I was speaking french with a friend the other day I thought of how great it would be to be in France and taking in the culture, I think I want to make my French effectual.

Life is so hard.

And yet here I am, and I am happy.

Sometime I feel the pain and aching of situations but underneath it all there is always some reason for me to be happy, even amidst tears.

At this moment I feel so hopeful for my future.

If you could control everything you would be God.

Sometimes all you can say is that you are sad.

That it hurts.

That you just wish you could change it.

That you want to go back to yesterday.

But you cant.

This is life.

And it hurts.

And sometimes you cant change things.

Not everything is in your control.

All you can do is pray.

Turn to your loved ones.

There is no shame in asking for help.

And then let yourself be sad for awhile.

And then you move on.

And you grow stronger.

And you learn.

And one day, when its you making those hard decisions, you will remember this day.

And how much it hurt.

And you will do everything you can to never cause anyone to feel this way.

Today I am just sad.

But I am not angry.

And I am still full of love.

Why being lonely is sometimes Super Awesome - JD

Revamping occurs when my life feels revamped. So my blog felt the effects of the changing nature of my life.

I feel like my life is rather epic. Which seems odd as on the surface as it appears like my days are filled with classes, work and homework. And then sometimes I stop and I look at myself and lately it makes me smile.

I am just over 8 days away from my first half marathon! I am so psyched, and terrified. 13.1 miles is really far, and sometimes I second guess myself. Yet, I am so ready to accomplish this. I mean running is just therapy for me, it releases stress and I enjoy a runners high. Amidst my blogging I actually decided to run, it was beautiful. It was about 9 miles of peace.

Then there is the fact that oh yah, I am graduating from University in a few weeks. I have less than a month and I am done graduating, as long as all goes well. That will be a life altering thing most likely. I have spent, well my whole life basically in school, and its coming to an end. Cross your fingers grad school starts coming into place. But honestly, I kinda want a year off.

A year off. I am planning on backpacking Europe. I think like 3ish weeks would be amazing. So thats a little bit in the works. Why not? I think travelling cultures you and provides you with invaluable life experiences, experiences I crave. I cannot wait to see the world.

Today I registered for my Yoga Instructors Course. For years I have wanted to be a yoga instructor but it didnt ever seem feasible. Now I have my course half paid for and I am so psyched! It not only gives me a plan til the end of August but it also will be 200 hours of me doing what I love. I want that chance to share my love of life and yoga with people and I think I am on a path towards that.

Yes, I feel like my life is epicful.

Sometimes it is lonely. My best friend here went to Cairo for the summer. I miss Soph dearly. Another close friend went to Berlin for 3 months. My adventuring has dramatically decreased. I have only seen my family and calgary friends for 3 days in the last 5 months. Sanchez is still on a mission so I live through letters. And recently I realized how much I miss a boy I met 5 years ago, but he is on a mission for another 2 weeks. So heres the thing, Life got really lonely. But amidst feeling like everyone was out of reach I came to commit to running, I formed plans to help prepare me for life after BYU, and I chose to take my Yoga Instructors course. If I had been so preoccupied with friends and pillow talk and parks and adventuring I dont think I would have had so much time to ponder my future.

And thats why being lonely is sometimes super awesome.

Struthiomimus

Fact. The Struthiomimus had a similar running style to an ostrich, it had long, mobile arms which helped its clawed fingers grasp and hold its prey. It also had a long tail to balance it out while running at high speeds. Ir ran about 50 km/hr.

So here is the deal. In yoga you must be mobile and balanced, like a Struthiomimus. I am aiming to doing my Yoga Instructors course at It's Yoga Utah, here in Provo Utah, and they are currently having a Teacher Training Video Competition. I have created a 2.5 minute animated video on yoga for this competition. Each hit on Youtube is essentially one point for me. If I get the most hits I get my course free. Which saves me 2000. So the more people that watch it the better. Note. Last summer the winner had like 5000 hits. No joke. Thanks for all of your love and support.

Velociraptor!

Fact: The Velociraptor is one of the best arguements for dinosaurs being warm-blooded. They were fast moving, agile and had a lifestyle more similar to wolves, warm-blooded killers, than to lizards and reptiles.

As I finally am sitting here blogging I cannot even begin to believe the altering path I have taken as of late. Also, as well, I am so happy. I am happy that I have been realizing who I am in a more real sense. I believe that finding yourself is a neverending journey. You are always finding new things you love and there are constantly people coming into your life that change you. But more recently I have taken some time and stopped and looked in the mirror and found out a little more about myself.

I have finally come into the open realization of my pure love for Yoga. Honestly, you could bring up yoga with me and I could go off for ages about it. I find it to be relaxing and therapeutic. It is a healer of both the body and the mind. It reconnects you when you are fading or lost. It reduces stress, for me personally more than anything else does, and it is just purely glorious.

Hence I am going to pursue becoming a yoga instructor. Voila. Plan made. From mid July to the end of August I intend on staying in Provo and becoming a yoga instructor. And just the thought of it makes me glow. I am currently not able to think of anything more splendid and renewing than spending all day, everyday, doing yoga. Recognize. Plan. Act.

I have now come back to running. I have always loved running. I really have. I get into a cycle where I run a ton for a few weeks than back off etc. However, this is changing. Last weekend I decided that I want to run a half marathon. So I started a 10 week training program. Week one complete. I am impressed with myself. I feel so much healthier with running or cross training everyday minus sundays. My longest run was 4 miles this week, which was a feat for me! So yay! I am training and I love it. Running makes me way less stressed, happier and I just feel better about myself. Which is always a good thing. It makes me feel alive, human, warm-blooded perhaps?

Then there is just the fast movingness of my life. I feel like nothing is stagnant. And its little things, from appearance to hobbies. These last 4 months I became enthralled with snowboarding. As it gets warmer I spend more time running and longboarding. And as the weather changes appearance changes. The warmer it gets the more I live in my running shorts, flip flops and flats. And then I got my new glasses this week. They are beautiful and overly indie. So it just feels like things are moving so rapidly and everyday I am adjusting a little bit more to the weather or changes in school or my life, its like constant adaptation. I am growing and changing with the seasons.

As the velociraptor is known for its quick attack and agility I feel like in some ways that is me. I am constantly adapting to my environment and then acting quickly, and swiftly. I only hope that the velociraptor was half as happy with its life as I am with mine right now.

Oviraptosaur

Fact: The Oviraptosaurs resembled large flightless birds. They had slim but muscular back legs and could run quite fast. The first oviraptoosaur was discovered with a crushed skill lying near fossilized dinosaur eggs, which it likely died protecting.

I am not sure the Oviraptosaurus will be related to today, except that to me it was a protector, I bet that its friends and everyone around it felt safe. The other night I felt safe with you. Correlation established.

I recognize that the word EPIC has been found often and frequently in my most recent posts. However, this one will be no different. The other night was the most adventurously epic evening ever. It was magical actually.

It began with longboarding in the canyon. Well one longboard and one skateboard. And it was night and darkish. Luckily the moon was shining ultra bright. So basically we didnt see a single person on the path. It was glorious. Plus there is the storytelling park which I pretty much love now. You kinda broke a skateboard. oops. but thats epicish haha. Oh and let us note- longboarding with 2 people on the board is a LOT harder than you may think. Just saying. Oh and possibly the most imaginative moment in the canyon was the log you used as a rail. Nicely done.

Then it was on to Midway to see the Ice Castles. It was unfortunate that they appeared to be closed. Fortunately the fence was small. Needless to say, the ice castles were beautiful. I especially was fond of the part where you are like inside the ice tunnel. Loved it.

Then a dock on I think Deer Creek was the next destination. I think there was the first time of the night when I realized what a beautiful evening it was. The moon was way huge and it was a decently clear night, you could see a ton of stars and mountains were illuminated. It was just a gorgeous evening. I suppose by this time it was more into morning hours actually.

Then we found a freaking amazing park. Seriously I dont know when parks became so high tech! And I really want to know who invented all of the genius park toys. For instance, this one thing is like a wheel hanging from a pipe, you grab onto the wheel and as it untwists you spin. Genius. Although the ultimate toy was this twisted pipe on the ground- it was ideal for chicken fights. Who would think to twist some metal and put it inches off the ground? Genius I tell you! Oh and the last nice touch to the park was the huge fake rocks. They are basically made for sitting on and looking at the stars. As I said- this part was freaking amazing.

And there you have it. Such a unique night. It was intertwined with conversation and music and laughter. And it was EPIC, in every sense of the word. So pretty much I love adventurous epic nights.

The Oviraptosaur was found fossilized protecting its young. Last night was a late evening, and it was darkish and it was spent almost all outside. But I never once felt afraid, I just felt safe. And sometimes being with someone and feeling so incredibly safe is the best feeling in the world. Ergo, last night was an epic adventurous oviraptosaur evening. And I loved it.

Gallimimus

Fact. The Gallimimus was the fastest dinosaur! It could run at 56 km/hr and it has been said that they could not hold things. So it likely fed on eggs with its beak-like snout. It also had a long neck that it held above its shoulders- like an ostrich. It was beautiful and unique.

I feel like the Gallimimus was a fascinating dinosaur. Can you imagine running that fast? Or not really being able to hold things? Or being a dinosaur that looks kinda like an ostrich? Its all so beautiful. The last two days have been pure fascination and beauty.

Yesterday we went snowboarding. After breaking up and having my heart shattered I was second guessing spending a day with you on the mountain. Regardless, we went. And it was incredible. I think we were always meant to be best friends. Dont get me wrong, dating you was one of the best things I can even imagine. I loved being your girlfriend, but more than that, I loved that we were best friends. So now we are just best friends, no lovey-dovey relationship. And its okay. We are going to be okay. And I really realized this as you were being all Steazy and showing me how you butter way better than me haha, oh and when you ran into me. Nice one. Apparently I am the best girl you have boarded with. Holla! Sundance was great. A little icy at first, and the back mountain was so sub-par, but I really enjoyed it. It was chill. We just talked and road and kinda did our thing, you were wayyy more intense than I am. But I just took the mountain and pretty much embraced that I am decent at boarding now. I left with minor bruises but it was a turning point. We talked about being tight and we are okay. And that means the world to me. After we went for early dinner or late lunch. It was so great, chicken salad with pineapple in it is killer! Plus free soft serve is great. Then we hit the mall. And part of me misses us walking around holding hands laughing, but just walking around laughing worked out well too. So yay for best friends. ps. remember how you commented that most of my best friends are boys, well yah, I just prefer opening up to boys maybe.

The night turned into a cocktail party which was surprisingly lovely. I was plenty nervous for it. And then all was well. We were dressed so pretty and that is great. Mostly I loved the drinks. Let me remind you it was all alcohol-free. But Shirley temples are my favourite! I wish I could drink them daily. When I grow up I will have a large supply of orange juice, grenadine and gingerale to allow for this. But heres how it all went. We had plenty of juices etc for drinks and we had cookies and snacks and friends. I spent most of the night catching up with Jenni and Jake, they are both just beautiful people. Likely 2 of my favourite people to talk with as you can talk about anything with them, plus they are funny. Loved it.

Then today. So freaking epic. It started out with me making waffles. Why yes Sophie, I am a waffle snob, I will only at waffles from scratch. And I love them. So waffles and bacon and juice was basically the best way to start the day. I wish more days started that way actually. Then we decided to join some people from church for Broom ball. Unfortunately none of us really knew what it was, but Paige, Lauren, Soph and I went. I wish I could explain this better, but heres how it was. We got on the ice and got in random teams and had NO idea what to do. Yet it was perfect. Apparently since I am Canadian there were some who thought I had like a knack or secret skills for it but no. I just was not afraid of sliding into people, I mean I have hips for hip checking. So I left there with a majorly bruised and swollen knee, So worth it. Soph has a nice bruise or two also haha. Karma joined us in our broom ball adventures as one boy was way intense and everytime he tried to take me out he ended up on his face. I loved it. haha. So we love broom ball. It was social, and a workout, and hilarious. Plus I felt like I belonged there, it was never awkward or like I didnt know what to do. Ergo, broom ball is going to become a staple, or at least something I try and frequent.

Then the two boys I know best from church came over, its not even like I know them well at all, but we still had plenty of juices so drinks it was. I made granola bars as we talked. yay. And can I just note, the two Nicks are great. I love conversing with them. Yes they both are very physically attractive but they are easy to talk to. So it was chill. We just sat on the kitchen floor and drank our mixed juices and had a pleasant time, plus I mean it was sunny so we had the front door opening so the sunlight was just pouring in. Incredible.

To make life even better Soph and I went to the canyon to board. Something about longboarding down the canyon is surreal. First off it is gorgeous. It is just so pretty there. And everyone is friendly. You just hop on your board and its refreshing and relaxing. I think board sports were made for me. Snowboarding and Longboarding just bring me so much peace and joy.

The epicness ended with stopping by Big Papas place for dinner at 10. She is a doll. I love that she used to sing to me " i like it when you call me big papa" last year, Lauren is great. I missed her and didnt realize how much I missed her til we were over there.

So heres the thing, Thursday was awful. I missed you. I hated that we broke up. Friday I came to terms with it all and was like you know what I want to be happy. And I am happy. I chose to take a path with a perspective that involved loving myself and doing the things that brought me joy and it changed everything.

Sometimes I feel awkward and out of place like how I think the Gallimimus must have felt sometimes. You know, just gawky and not sure of your place. And then I remember parts of who I am. Spending a day talking to one of my best friends while Snowboarding was epic. I hope I dont want to forget that day soon. Putting on a pretty dress and just talking is nice. Waffles and trying a new sport and letting myself feel fearless and get banged up a ton, and just riding the canyon, well they all just make me feel alive.

I love the epic nature of my life. I really do. So here is to finding myself again amidst losing something special. Gallimimus; you and I both have things to be proud of, you were the fastest dinosaur, and well me, I dont know what do pull out but I am pretty sure I am diverse and lately I have noticed how obscure my likes are, but it all makes me unique. And I love who I am. And I am pretty sure that matters a lot more than most things.