Tension and The Terror

The tension is palpable. Not figuratively. Literally. I can feel the tension. It is a reminder of days long passed. Of days of pain, discouragement and searching for answers. Days that were so long ago it seems like a different life. A time when I was young and nieve and impressionable. The tension brings terror this time. It feels like a forewarning of a road that may approach without any options of exiting.

My lack of coping becomes blatantly obvious. I was asked if I was pretending I was okay, I was. I felt defeated and exhausted and possibly overwhelmed. Who am I kidding, I feel that way still. But I did what I do. I bought dinosaur shaped pasta so my dinner would make me smile and I bought hair dye. I usually just cut my hair when I cant control something in my life but the agony of growing it out is finally lessening so I cant give in and take a massive step back by chopping it. So for the next 6-8 washes the colour may be slightly different. Everyone has to cope somehow. To try and take the reigns of a carriage they arent even close to.

I still feel the tension. I feel the fear that things could spiral. That in seconds I could lose control. Yet I dont feel near as alone as I expected. So maybe it all will be okay because I know that whatever happens I dont have to stand there alone with tears in my eyes.