This one is for you. My fingers are crossed that you give in and read this. But if you dont at least its out of my head. So here are a few of the words I wish I was saying to you but cant because my jaw is clenched and my eyes are wide and my head is tilted and neither of us can take that tonight.
I didnt wear my onesie when I knew you were coming over because I got nervous that you wouldnt think I was pretty wearing oversized childrens pajamas. Every sunday when we discussed sunday secrets I knew that I was getting closer to telling you my secrets, the ones that were hard to say. And I did. I started telling you everything. And when I left I was scared that one month would be long enough for you to forget me cuz we were just friends that hung out every saturday night and then lots of other nights. So when you were the first person I saw I was ecstatic. I had missed you. And then I realized that I like liked you but I just thought you didnt look at me that way so then I was awkward and made things awkward and then you fixed it. And then I realized that I got nervous that you would just leave. And I didnt study with you because I didnt want you to think I was dumb because you always seemed to know more than me. I hated when we got to the last episode of misfits because I wondered if we wouldnt have a reason to hangout most nights. And I made you that bracelet cuz I wanted you to think of me when I wasnt there because I didnt know if maybe you just forgot about me when I wasnt around. And then it all didnt matter. Because everything had changed. The moment I realized how perfect it was it was all taken away.
I thought I was too broken for someone to love me or for me to fall in love. I thought that the hole inside of me was too big to be fixed by one person or fixed at all. I just thought that I liked seeing you everyday. That you were the first person I wanted to see when I got back. That you made me smile. That I couldnt help but glance at you during class. I just thought that you inspired me sometimes and were a good listener. I just thought that you made me incredibly happy each time you kissed me. I didnt realize that the second you were gone I would feel empty and that it would feel like a deatheater was deatheating me. I didnt think I would feel so alone and tragic and like I had been repeatedly punched in the stomach. I thought this was because we were best friend but now I think this means that I love you.
And if thats true then it explains why everything reminds me of you. Why I cant let it just go. It explains why I get nervous around you and why I am going crazy. I am not ready to resign myself to the fact that one single thing is keeping us apart. I want to find a compromise. Find a way to fix it. Cant we just meet at that line and find a compromise? So I am standing at the line that separates us putting out my hand with my head tilted to the side and my eyes wide open just hoping that you will meet me there and that you wont let me go. Please be worth all of this.
I like you a lot with a strong chance that I more than like you.
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