Elephant Shoes

I dont know where I heard it. Somewhere along the way to growing up a little bit and learning that words are hard to express. Sometime before I had to come to understand the meaning and impact of words. And yet saying elephant shoe is just so much easier than so many other things. I even think it. Instead of thinking of what I should say or what I could say or the mature appropriate thing I just think of how I prefer a cop out. I prefer to not say everything sometimes because I have a massive fear that things arent as perfect as they seem. And things dont even seem perfect.

I guess it is called adaptation. Survival of the fittest. Its how natural selection works. We adapt or we die. Not always literally, but in some sense we become obsolete and extinct if we do not find ways to adapt. I think some adaptations can be negative, we can desensitize ourself. And in that space between us supposed to be feeling and the space of nonexisting we can just not acknowledge the feeling in any real sense. We accept things as normal that arent. We shouldnt have to. But its how we cope. We deal with the difficult by not dealing with it and normalizing it.

I noticed this on the usual walk this morning. I made an off handed comment in a lighthearted comment about a serious topic and my friend stopped and looked at me. And then she acknowledged that if she didnt know better she would think I was joking as my nonchalance seemed abnormal. Its how I cope. Things are less real and less able to control your life if you dont give them that power.

Back to the important things though. The elephant shoe. I think about it all the time. I let it consume me when it shouldnt. I cant help it. I am so happy that it scares me. I dont want to screw this up but I dont know if I know how to actually let things be when they are good. I hope I can learn fast. I am happy, and mostly its because of a boy.