More Than an Accumulation of Labels

Eyes closed. Breath overcoming all over sensation. Your mind is silencing as the foreign music blocks out any other thoughts. You are allowing yourself to let go. Welcome to the end of my classes. This morning I was filling in again at a club I prefer. I have never received so much positive feedback about anything in my life as I do there. After taking all of their classes last week and another one today I feel reminded. Reminded of what I love and why I do it. 

Reminders come with questioning though. I wonder why I am a graduate student. Why I didnt just pursue this full time. I honestly love yoga with a passion thats incomparable in my life. The only other thing that brings me that feeling of satisfaction, purity and accomplishment is writing. And yet neither of these things are my life. How do we get on the paths we are on and when do we know if they are right?

I can undoubtably say that when I teach a solid class and people leave feeling renewed and even come up to thank me I feel honoured. Honoured that I could be a part of their practice and that they would share such a personal and meaningful meditation with me. I regret that I dont spend more time on my own practice. I am really striving to change that.

This week has left me full of doubt. Of questions and waiting. Wishing answers or relief would come sooner and succumbing to the reality that some things are out of my hands. The plausibility of having to leave here temporarily and the thought of the worst option, deferring or leaving the program, have come up. At first I thought I couldnt handle either. That if I had to go home for personal reasons that I would just be letting everyone down, my employers, my students, my housemates, friends, professors, and that one special person. And yet I think I have come to realize that being here doesnt define me. Being a student isnt me, being a yoga teacher isnt me. I am so much more than  just an accumulation of labels and because of this I will handle what happens. I will weigh out the options I am presented with on Wednesday and I will find answers and make an informed decision, and if that means a short trip home I will make it work.

This week has played more mental games with me than I would like. It has pushed me to the limits involving physical pain, emotional exhaustion and physical fatigue and yet I am sitting here feeling refreshed as I finally feel like I am not alone and that I can make it.