Heartbeats

Every heartbeat feels a little weaker than they did before. Each one is a little less heartfelt. They felt so much stronger when I could feel yours beating back. But I am alone again. Alone and the heartbeats feel faint as the organ is breaking. Breaking in agony that I didnt anticipate. The moment I knew you felt the same way back was overshadowed by the realizations that it wasnt going to work, that if it hurt this much now than how much harder would it be later. I opened up to you, I told you my secrets in return for yours. I found a way to let the hardest parts of my life out to you because I knew you would treasure them, that you wouldnt ever diminish a precious thought I shared. And I want to write that its okay, that we are okay, because I told you that. But I just said that in hopes that your heart would break a little less than mine was. You said I couldnt blame myself, but even as the tearful words poured out of your lips I was. That broken feeling I tried to explain to you feels so much worse now. It was as if you were the one keeping me in reality, reminding me that I wasnt engulfed in brokenness, and now you are gone, leaving me more broken and alone than ever. I keep wishing that you didnt have to walk out that door, that you would have looked back, that something about my hung head, shaking body and tearstreaked face would scream to you that you couldnt leave. That we could do it. But you didnt look back as I stood in the doorway. I respect you for making the decision I couldnt make. But that doesnt make it hurt any less. My heartbeats will skip when I see your face across the room tomorrow, and I will feel like someone is ripping out my heart with a rusty spoon. All I wanted was to fall in love with you and now I cant. I am sorry. I wish it was different.

Back to square one.