The lyrics are morbid and spiteful. I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns. I would rather hurt someone than myself. And yet they continually dance around my mind. I think of this song and how disposable some things are. How selfish humans are. How we can toss people to the side once they fill their purpose. How tragic. And yet a day full of peace, comfort and blatant honesty brings me to this song.
Perhaps because I have had disposable relationships. I have been the one scared to be hurt so walked away and hurt others in the fear of opening up and being vulnerable. And then I have been the one hurt as someone else has been closed. And then there are times of mutual disposability. But what do you do when one day you wake up and realize the lighter is out of fuel and yet you love it, so you cant let it go. All you can do is put it in a drawer and continue on. To forget about it unless you come across it. Being fuelless it has little purpose. Unless it was refueled. Perhaps this is just another demonstration of my inability to let things go. I do, eventually. But its like owning a camera and then running out of film, you dont toss it, unless they stop making film for it. Then it has no purpose and perhaps will find its way to the trash next to your old ikea lamp.
Disposability is tragic. Yet those people that resist it, the ones that remain in your life, like the thorns on roses, should be treasured. A thorn prick only hurts for a moment. Nothing compared to the beauty of the rose. This reasoning is only my way of justifying to myself why I once chose to love someone that I knew would break my heart. It seems so long ago. Something that occurred in a time when life was different. It feels so unemotional. Like a fact. Its like just looking at a table and reading fractions. I used to love you. You didnt love me and I left. We had potential, a lot of it. But potential isnt and wasnt enough to prevent me from leaving. And you would never have asked. I never once thought that it hurt you when I got on that plane. The fact is it did. And that all is so irrelevant. Except you know all of my secrets and regardless of the thorns and the lack of fuel you are still there. There in the sense that we can unemotionally talk about the facts, the words that should be dramatic and feel nothing. And at the same time you can say the words to me that you dont know why they are coming out, words you dont express, and know that my heart aches for you. Your humaness is endearing. But at the end of the day it doesnt change anything. Perhaps then you knew all along, so the facts were just general conversation in a heavy sense.
I nearly erased this due to its lack of external meaning. Its all from the past. The past isnt now. Its been 9 months since I got on that plane and that was the end. The fact is I am falling in love with someone here. But then again that doesnt change that the indisposability of a past relationship has given me a human that knows my secrets and is finally opening up. I guess I didnt dispose of everyone like a lighters out of fuel when I left. But everyone needs a friend like that sometimes.
I lied, I would rather hurt myself then someone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment