An ex and I chatted the other night. I am one of those people that stays friends with exes until they are married. Then it is like they have died. Or become zombies, something to avoid. But as we chatted I had the fleeting thought that I may be done racking up exes. I mean there is no ring but I am mostly positively sure that I am with the love of my life and that means that I can stop the whole exing game.
So in commemoration I have decided to write about seven of my worst relationships. Now this isnt to say I dated awful people. This is to say we were awful together. And looking back I am retarded. But it also makes me laugh. I am such an idiot.So let the journey begin. In no order at all.
X. This boy and I had little in common besides our entire class schedule. So it made sense to study together. This lead to a month or two of constant being together and many dinners with his family and me losing a dozens bets on exams. We were dating and loving it except I wouldnt admit we were dating because he was too cocky and half the time I couldnt decide if we liked each other or if we just liked the convenience. Then one day after we had all our classes together he texted me that he still loved his ex. Fail. Mostly because we still had a month or two of classes together. Note, we are still friends and he is as arrogant as always. What a champ.
X. Junior year. I was nailing wanting to be a doctor and at a party to celebrate the new season of Scrubs I met a boy. We became friends and he wanted to date. Oddly enough he knew X above and one time I ditched him for X above and he got mad because he had told everyone we were dating, except for me. I was utterly lost. Over the next year or two we hung out and sorta dated but he never would say anything mean. I hated it! It was like every time we hung out I just wanted him to punch me in the face. I couldnt handle how incredibly nice and genuine he was. So it couldnt work. I spent all out time together trying to convince him to be mean. He has a wife now so he may be dead. I wouldnt even know.
X. Somehow post X listed first I met another boy. And we dated and he was so hot and cold. Seventy Eight percent of the time I didnt know if he liked me. He just constantly kept me hanging. Then I moved to Canada for a summer. We talked and were to date when I returned. I was smitten. Until I got back and realized he was hooking up with my best friends friend. Awkward for him when he met my best friend at the other girls apartment and the next day came to mine and saw her again. Needless to say I opted out, he dated the other girl. They broke up. He called me and we starting spending too much time together. Somehow I got out of this. I dont know how. But randomly he used to always call me to either try and get back together or to talk about how he missed the other girl, who I was now friends with... When I moved to Australia he told me he wanted to ask me to not go. He missed me. I dont know how, we never talked and he treated me like crap. Two months later he was engaged. Dead.
X. Interject aussie relationship. I was flooded and homeless. Two uni boys let me in. Fast forward six months and one of these men was my best friend. We spent every day together doing whatever. So eventually I was like uh we are kinda dating hey. So we dated. And fell in love. And he had no qualities I wanted. He preferred drinking to spending time with me. He didnt want marriage or kids, he wanted instant gratification. But after 8 months of every day together all I saw was that I couldnt live without him. I was so wrong. He didnt ever show interest in my interests. Religion meant nothing. And he never wanted anyone to know we were dating. Welcome to brutal breakup and arguing because I wasnt a moraless girl. Hello, I had the same standards from homeless day one. We were so incredible wrong for each other. I was lonely and an idiot. I wish I could go back and punch idiot lonely aussie Lauren.
X. Aussie ex again. This one is hilarious to me. I was working in a rural hospital with no entertainment. Enter hot Orthopaedic surgeon that came across as being arrogant and misinformed. We first met at a presentation you did. I thought you screwed up most of the orthopaedic tests and was dying as I knew them. Somehow two weeks later some bantering and usual friendly conversation had occurred and you started asking around about me. A week later we were dating. Intensely. Who cares that you were Muslim and I was Mormon? It worked. We were less flirty at the hospital to keep it kosher. But as I asked another surgeon a question one day and he made implications about you and I, I nearly died. Eventually I moved back to the city after celebrating your birthday. One week later you sent me a text saying it was too hard. Hello. Thanks for not trying. Idiot. I learned a lot about Islam though and learned that he wasnt trying to learn about my religion at all. All talk no walk. Try not to kill anyone on the table dear.
X. Sophmore year. One of the most disastrous years of my life. And somehow I met a boy. But I told him not to love me because I would just go back to Canada for the summer and I had a boy on a mission that I was fond of. He didnt listen. We fell in love. For 10 or 11 months we were the worst couple. We argued about every single thing you can imagine. And when we would argue in the car I would play a recorder as loud as possible. We were so in love and brought out the worst in each other. It was constant tearing apart and wanting to throw things. I dont even know why. I think because I was you. I didnt understand love or anything really. He was married not long after we broke up and never again did we speak. Although I did have his sister chop my hair once after that.
X. And the cake arrives. Prior to now this was the most real I think I ever had felt about someone. And it made no sense. When we dated he treated me like crap. When we didnt date he treated me almost like a princess. He would let me cry. He would ask the questions no one would ask. He knew everything that no one else would ever know. And I loved him. But he didnt ever want me to love him. And he wasnt sure he could love me the way I needed to be loved. He wanted to play the card of the douche that didnt care even when I knew otherwise. he couldnt be everything I wanted him to be. But I somehow loved him more than I knew possible. It has been two and a half years since I said goodbye to him and flew across the world and spent months wondering how we would end up together. And somehow with the time and distance and looking back we laugh about how he was such a tool to me. He is one of the most influential people in my life and I think we will never see each other again and it wont matter. We were everything the other person needed but we would be the worst together. We were the worst together. We are our best when we are completely not dating. He was an awful boyfriend.
At this moment I so badly wish I could put these seven men in a room and hear their thoughts about our relationship. I picture it being a disaster. But one I wouldnt be able to take my eyes off of. My exes arent really evil. They just were so entirely wrong for me and I never saw it until after, way after. I dont even know how I managed to find someone that can look past all of this crazy and love me.
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