Some Objects of Desire

Can we want something so much that it becomes unreal or unattainable?

I think I get so incredibly caught up in my head and my thoughts and my imagination and my wondering that I sometimes lose sight of reality. It is not like I live in a subspace that has highways that can get me places incredibly quickly. I just dont always see what is really there. Lately I have been really caught up in the fact that I am not married. And I know a lot of people would gasp or think I am being a bit ridiculous, I mean I am only ten times two plus three. But in my mind I had always thought I would be married and probably having a kid by this age. And the reality is that most of my friends are and I think that creates a sense of pressure on myself. A pressure I make appear because I dont want to be on the wrong path or incredibly missing out on what matters. So I get caught up in the past and mistakes and wondering what I did wrong if I did something to create this. And then I manage to get a massive feeling of loss and loneliness. And it is all created by me.

I wonder if I sometimes desire that next step so much that I am creating an insatiable impatience. I mean I am pretty sure it will happen some time. But I forget that. At least life manages to remind me of it in odd ways. Like how randomly yesterday a boy told me I was beautiful and I was in yoga clothes, a plaid shirt and converse. I didnt look great. And in that moment I was shocked, I forgot what it felt like to have someone even for one second look at me like I was something special.

The desire wont disappear. Marriage and family is ultimately what I want. But I think when there are small moments that remind me that there is hope for it that it will satisfy that craving until the time is right. Or at least I hope so. Because some days I want to just punch everyones love in the face so it shuts up.