Tonights entry is rare. I hope it exemplifies a deeper look into me. The true feelings that reside in a place I try and keep hidden.
I feel the word vomit coming. I cant even control it. The emotions and pain and confusion and frustration are too much and yet I feel so disconnected. I suppose I feel reminded of the one period in my life I generally try to forget. I feel those tendencies that accompany depression. Emotions you dont understand, feeling alone, pulling away and lashing out for no reason. And yet I feel like having experienced depression makes me all the more aware of the signs. I can see them in other people, but mostly I see them in myself. I recognize those times when I actively make decisions because I feel like I need to control something. Mostly I see the rise in sarcasm as I try to mask reality. Thankfully I am at a point where I see the signs and can recognize the need for change and can avoid falling back into depression. It almost makes it seem worth it when I went through depression as it saves me from a lot of future heartaches you know.
We broke up. I cant say I didnt see it coming, however, that didnt make it any easier. How can two people be falling in love and know its not right? I still dont understand. I also dont understand physiologically the convulsing and bitter aching pain that accompanies crying involved with heartache. Sometimes when I think about you I physically get chest pain. I do believe that a broken heart can present physically. I really do. And yet we are friends. I phoned you for fact verification before the exam, I ran into you at the market and we chatted, we are supposed to snowboard. And yet here I am, wishing I could just cry, but for some reason I cant. I just feel completely ill and broken.
So to get out of my completely selfish breakdown and to prevent myself from hurting more about something I cant change I want to completely refocus on a few things.
THE PRESENT
The kids I volunteer with are amazing. They truly are. Two of my favourites graduate tomorrow. Which is exciting, it means their mother completed the rehab program. And yet I know how much I will miss them. Taylor and Issac were always so quick to sit on my lap or attack me. We read books and played on the swings and did crafts together every week. I will miss them. And with Trinity and Tristan gone too now I have no one left to teach me about "Cougar Mountain Lions" haha. Luckily there are still other children. Today one taught me that if she held a Mr. Potato Head up to my ear that I could hear the ocean. Those kids remind me of the joys that come from the simplest things. Being around children makes me happier than most things. I mean last night I was at Sophs house and was reading to Cy from his chapter book, and it was amazing. Beauty is most often appreciated when you finally get out of your self-absorbed stressed out mind.
THE PAST
This past week has made me think a lot about my experiences at BYU. I mean 3 more months and I wont be here any more. Somethings became like a cycle. I mean every winter semester, Februaryish I meet a boy. And its like a story. Boy and girl like each other. Boy and girl date. Things seem awesome. One day things end. Girl moves back to Canada. Its almost become predictable. Yet I have changed so much over the years I hate the predictability of it. I used to avoid commitment. I was too afraid and wanting to be free. Now I feel that I have learned to love myself and find joy alone and want to share all of those little things that comprise me with someone else. I think for once I am looking for something long term and committed. Also in looking at BYU I remember coming here thinking it would be forever. There was a boy I liked back home and 3 or 4 years in the states felt like an eternity. Now that its almost over I dont know where it all went. And now I scarcely see that frightened 18 year old that moved across the border to a city where she knew no one to a school of over 30,000, when I look in the mirror. I have changed. I found myself. I found genuine interests. I found out how to live on my own and take care of myself and how to make it through trials that seem like they will kill me. I faced failure and pain and ache and counselling and despite it all I have had an amazing time. I have grown into someone I love and I feel ready for the world.
THE FUTURE
So heres to change. I am terrified to graduate. I mean finding a career or crossing my fingers for grad school seems so much more of a reality than being a student at a huge religious university where pretty much everyone has the same standards. But then there is this part of me that cant wait. I want to travel, I want to be back in the world where people are more diverse and where I feel like I am making a difference. I want to contribute to society.
So as messed up and random as this entry was I feel okay about its. Its like a rare writing of my life. Its me feeling broken, missing you so incredibly much, not because part of me hoped it would last, but because you became my best friend. In a month you became the person I wanted to tell everything to, you saw what it was like when I opened up completely and you made me a better person. So I miss you entirely. This entry is me recognizing my feelings, allowing myself to feel the pain and ache but to control it. To avoid depression and loneliness. To release everything in a healthy way. But also to take into account the beauty of my life. To see the things that make me happy. And to look towards a bright future.
I feel like this lyrical journey is rare. Like the Baryonyx.
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