There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.

Power To the People, We Dont Want It, We Want Pleasure

I have never proclaimed myself to be ahead of the times or the founder of independence. I never thought I was cooler or hipper than anyone else. I have never fit into any real stereotype. But I do have a lot of opinions and sometimes I do relate to the "indie" scene extremely well.

I only knew of people like Usher in high school because my best friend at the time loved him. I listened to The Used and Senses Fail a lot that year. Her boyfriend understood. And the next year I really got into music. I was always on Purevolume, a site I thought everyone spent all of their time on. That wasnt true. I had years of listening to Waking Ashland, Matchbook Romance, The Spill Canvas and The Format on repeat. And because of this one day I became friends with the lead singer of Waking Ashland. I felt famous. We had breakfast together. After shows he would ask about specific classes I was in because we knew each other. And he was my first introduction to Kickstarter. In case you arent as indie as me Kickstarter is a website where you fund projects. You ask for x amount of money and you have 30 days to reach that goal in pledges. For each pledge you offer rewards. So for my first experience it was something like paying $25 to get the cd and a shirt when it came out. It was like preordering but it allowed the artist to fund the album independently. I thought it was novel. I loved it. So when it happened for Veronica Mars to make a movie I was obsessed and then again for Zach Braff's movie which has reached its goal and still has days to tick away. I read all the critiques I come across on this. Haters be hating. I think Kickstarter is changing the way media is created. And I love it. I really do. I am elated that for a rather minimal fee I will have a limited vinyl, a shirt, 3 art prints, the script and more. I like being a part of something, or creating art. Of feeling like a community in something that takes the power back to the people.

I think we all could stand to be a little more independent. To forgo the images that media says we should be like. To forget what people expect. And to be ourselves a lot more. I have always been a bit this way and I know it can lead to disappointment and contention and frustration, but I also know it makes me a whole heck of a lot happier when I am living for myself and not giving up control to the world. Kickstart yourself.

Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year. In fact is is one week away. But this time next week I will not allow the pain to overcome, I will be in the Temple making covenants. So it may be today or it may be another day but I will allow myself to grieve and to remember because if I forget than I run the risk of making the mistakes that were made that hurt me. So I will not forget.

I am very forgetful though. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys, tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was three years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? I wish I had all of the answers. But what time has taught me is that I dont. Because I dont I have learned to rely on the Lord. It has pushed me to seek more, to have a desire to enter the Temple and make covenants because I truly know that through our Saviour I can be healed. That I can overcome this and forgive and let go of my pain and anger. So even when the pain feels razor sharp and the tears sting I know that I am not alone. I will not forget but I will learn to forgive.

Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round The last fight was fixed from the start.

I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.

Here I Am Again, Running Away From The Truth

I get so in my head. Its a world that catches me the way I wish my dream catcher would catch my dreams. It is the web that doesnt want to let go. Yet I cant seem to escape myself. But somehow I always know how to run.

I can sense trouble almost as well as I can sense when squirrels are afraid. And well, once those senses go all I know is to escape. It feels easier than being vulnerable or admitting things arent perfect. And it is of course exponentially easier than thinking or discussing my feelings. I havent been stagnant for this long ever it feels like. It has been 5 months and 5 days since I boarded the plane that took my life back to here. Nothing has went as planned. Everything feels like it is falling apart constantly. I am actually amazed I am not a train wreck. I mean there are significant glimmers of perfection that are the shining glue that keep me together but I am still often overwhelmed by reality.

Lately I have been observing a lot of love or lack of. I have watched engagements unfold, relationships blossom and old ones maintain their strength. I have seen collapse and I have seen sadness. And somehow I dont know how to relate my own life to it all. My insight into the worlds I dont reside often seems remarkable but my oblivion to my own life couldnt be worse. I cant help but wonder if I am running from a truth I dont want to admit.

To Write This Down As Means To Reconcile

We write to apologize. 

We ask to look past life as it goes by.

I know you have sacrificed time, life, love, time to fly. 

Please consider all things right, 

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down. 

Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.

To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up, 

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love. 

Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one whose glory never ends. 

And based on that we'll see, 

There'll be room for change, but gradually. 

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Mae explained it better than I could. 

I wanted to write something eloquent about today but I dont have those words within me. I dont think I am even writing to reconcile. I am almost writing out of obligation. I sent a birthday email. I used your name. I didnt sign it with love. I am not there yet. Having this broken is hard to fix. I dont believe we live in a world where you can have everything without sacrifice. I believe you have to work and that real relationships arent formed out of obligation. I do think I have forgiven. I just have also watched the embers burn the bridges. I have just chosen to walk away from the burning. To not let the anxiety and pain be overwhelming. So I will continue to write about all the feelings found but this is just where I am at for now. I am doing the best that I can.

I'm Just a Dog-Earred Page You Turn Back To

As we sat at the table and questions flowed so much poured through my mind. The questions were easy, I knew the answers. Only one was a stumbling block and they just moved on from it and didnt ask questions as would be proper when realizing the taboo subject of a non present parent comes up. Yet my mind was somewhere else completely. I couldnt help but think of how many other family things I had been to with you. In nearly a decade there have been a fair few. And I wondered if I was the only one that realized that. That was thinking of how long I have been around and how I continually appeared but in a non-existent role. I wondered if they knew this time it was real. I wasnt just that girl next door that actually lived ages away. That I was the one that would be at every family event for forever now. I suppose I still dont know my place. I get nervous I will say the wrong thing or not fit in in the world I so desperately want to be a part of.  So when it was like a dogs ears perking up when I realized what song was being thrown back to me as I drove last night I wondered if this was me. Was I just that person you turn back to because I have always been a marked page or am I really the only one that will matter forever now?

It didnt help when I dreamt about marriage after that. I have never been that girl to fantasize about a wedding or getting married. I knew one day it would happen but that was that. There was no other real thought process. But last night instead of dreaming of being murdered I dream that we had decided to get married and to just go for it spur of the moment and I awoke realizing I have changed more than I ever would care to admit. It feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance right now.

All I Need is a Whole Lotta You

A Rocket To The Moon broke up today. You probably dont know them. And I am not saying that because I think I only listen to music no one knows. I am saying it because I just havent ever met anyone that knew them. I am not even sure how I know them. But I actually was quite fond of them. Particularily their EP "That Old Feeling". So maybe if you are feeling a little bit like you are country emo pop punk you should listen to this.

Music feels like it is my life. Not enough of it. I obsess over music. I think in lyrics. I wish I could make other people understand how I feel but just being able to relate a song, but most of the time that doesnt work. But that is why I love music. Because it expresses what I cant. It holds memories long forgotten and it brings a joy and peace that I find hard to replace.

So I cant help but be a little cut that they are no longer. Because this one song makes me smile, it makes me want that someone and want someone to feel that way about me. It makes me want to put back on my cowboy boots and sit in the sun. It makes me want so much. And music that can make you want things is powerful.

I Can't Break If I Don't Bend

I hate this keyboard. Why am I working in an office with a ghetto keyboard that sounds like monkeys jumping on a bed with each keystroke? I dont even know. I wish I could make all of the rules in my department. I wouldnt allow them to hire slackers and I would actually enforce a dress code and I would make my employees show up for a least an honest amount of time. This isnt even what this post is supposed to be about. But as I typed the title I realize how awful this keyboard is and it brought me onto my work rant. End rant.

Most of my posts are inspired by lyrics. If you are bored this is a song worth listening to that has in fact inspired this. I am inflexible. Not in the physical way. Physically I can do the splits which apparently makes me flexible. So it is in the reality way. I do not like having to bend if I am the only one doing so. Compromise has to occur in more than one party of I become insanely stubborn. And I mean insanely. To the point where I argue things I dont care about just because I want equality and am tired of bending. I am completely aware that I am crazy.

This morning I am feeling this oncoming stubbornness. I feel like I am so willing to change all of my plans and not to put myself first  but I a may be quite alone in this. And if it keeps appearing so I will refuse to bend. I will become frustratingly inflexible because I feel like I may  be sitting on a back burner.

The world is spinning way too fast in reckless abandonment. 

I Make Plans To Watch Them Burn

I had a plan. I would come home, get healthy and go right back. I was going to stay til I could work here. The plan was well thought. Appearing to be flawless. I was wrong. I never imagined I would come back and immediately be in love, ready for a future. A future that felt cemented in my home world.

At first I was so frustrated. A relationship wasnt in the plan. I wanted to go back to Brissy. To my world of independence. I didnt come back for love. I didnt come back to grow up. So here I was. Feeling trapped at my own doing. The frustration building as nothing was going my way. So I started looking for jobs. I realized that it likely wouldnt be overly hard to leave. There were jobs abroad. I am qualified. So I mentioned it. I told my lover there were options. I expected annoyance or excuses. I received the support I didnt deserve. And then I realized I no longer had to go back. All I wanted was to feel like I was in charge. Like my decisions were my own. As thought I was free. And you allowing me that option and saying you would wait was more than I deserved.

You have been out of town since I have thought clearly enough to realize this. But when you get back I will tell you. I cant leave you to back for two months. I would rather have a life here with you than to try and create and fulfill selfish dreams there. I had a life there. And I will go back. But right now it is time for my life with you.

Maybe God really does laugh when I make plans.

And Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Dying Breath

I am dramatic sometimes. Last night wasnt one of those times. I just couldnt breathe all the time. I decided I was a 7. If I hit an 8 we were calling 911 for oxygen if I hit a 6 we wouldnt worry. It was a very long night. But ambulance free and by 9 am this morning I feel more normal.

Sometimes I forget what its like. It just happens so suddenly. It really doesnt actually. It starts out small and then after a week or two the asthma wins and the airways lose. The downer is the steroids they put me on havent started working yet but they also make it hard to sleep and make me super irritable and emotional. Why is breathing so important?

However, it did force me to take a sick day which I never do and is likely good for me. So I may not leave my bed except for necessity today. I just want to be able to take a deep breath without coughing. To just be able to fill my lungs but I know that is a few days away. I am that typical prairie born girl with the asthma and the allergies. It isnt new. It is so typical. So why does it still scare me? I think I need to be braver.

Regardless, I think I am back to my regularly scheduled ambulance free life. For now.

Religion on a Monday?

I expect things to happen. I dont trust people because I know that people always leave. Only sometimes do they come back. I know that so much is out of my control. So my mind gets spinning and I forget about what I can control. I get so focused on obligations and waiting games that I just let myself get overwhelmed and I cease to function as me. I dont know how this starts. Or even when. My mind is perpetually going. I just get lost in it. My thoughts become me. And then nothing becomes useful or productive.

So I am trying to change. Like usual. As if I havent said that a million times. But maybe I just am always reminding myself to try harder. I just want to be better. To be someone that other people can look up. To make a difference. To love myself. So I am trying harder. And I think the biggest part of this for me is religion.

I know I dont often write about my beliefs and it isnt because its a big secret cult. I am not into white supremacy  It is just because its sacred. What I believe is everything to me. But because of that I should want to share it more. So it is probably just the usual fear sort of thing. No one likes sharing something special and having dodgeballs thrown at it. But I think today I feel brave.

I am getting ready to take a bigger step in my life. No, there is not a ring involved. I am getting ready to go through the temple and in my church thats a something you prepare for your whole life. We sing songs as children about someday going to the temple. And like other churches, the temple is a sacred place. So in my preparation I am trying to draw closer to the Lord. To trust him more and believe in a plan. To not let my faith falter so much as I struggle to learn from my trials. I am becoming better because I am coming closer to our Saviour. I am recognizing that there is so much more than me but to see that I have to be able to accept who I am and to want to become the best I can be.

So I have been listening and reading more from what we call General Conference, is this thing that happens twice a year where we get to hear from the Prophet and the Apostles, if you havent heard of it you should check it out. Its pretty cool. But mostly it is inspiring. It gives me strength. And reminds me that I am not alone.

I want to be someone that means something. I want to make a difference, and I think I am finally realizing that will happen by becoming more Christlike. By getting a bit further out of my head and becoming a little more aware and tolerant of everything else.

The Not Monumental Kind of Achievements

I am not getting married. Or having a baby. Or buying a dog. Or going somewhere crazy. I am just living. And sometimes I think I forget that is enough.

Lately the world around me seems so overwhelmed with life events. I look around and I see others lives changing in those large monumental ways. And I question so much. I wonder why things in my life arent being monumentous. But I think they are, just in the Lauren way.

Let me explain. For me making friends and new situations are a struggle. I am awkward and shy and reserved and I get self conscious far too easily. So after one attempt at being friendly at my workplace gym went awry I reminded myself that I didnt need friends there. And then the world reminded me I was wrong. It wasnt my doing at all. Maybe I smiled once or something but she introduced herself and a week later we have all of our workouts sorted into who plans them and what we are doing. It is amazing. Not just because she destroys me with her exercises but because I feel like I have branched out. And it isnt one of those things where we are hello friends. We are real friends. The kind that bring chocolates when the other has a breakup. The ones that talk about love and life and kids.

So maybe there isnt a ring on my finger. And maybe I am not having a baby. Or starting a new career. Or travelling. Or doing anything that seems huge. But I am super stoked about my little accomplishment of leaving my own space and letting someone in.  Gold star for me.

Fragility

You dont know what you have til its gone.

At least that is was people tell me. I am the kind of girl that wants what I cant have. All the time. If you tell me I cant have something and I think its stupid before that, I will then think it is awesome. I just get antsy. I cant handle things being the same. I like progression and change, as much as I hate change I like it more than stagnant waters.

Lately I have just realized how we dont have guarantees. People leave. People die. We change and our lives move on and we never know how long we have something or someone. And I just want to start being more aware of that. Being more grateful for what I have today because I never know when things might change again.

Its been twenty nine months since I was last in Utah, a place I called home for four long years. And I often wonder why I didnt treasure it more, why I didnt see everything and everyone when I could. So I am going back. I am going to try and see all of those people that shaped my life there. To sit in Juice n Java and remember what life was like there. To remember who I was. I just dont want to keep taking advantage of things, I want to appreciate them.

I suppose loss has triggered this. I look around and its so easy to see people hurting. To realize how quickly it all changes and to recognize that I have so much that I will miss if I lose it. I am a really lucky girl. I dont always see it, especially when it comes to the everyday struggles like finances and careers and coordinating my life, but I am. I cant imagine what I would do without my mother, and my grandma and my lover. There is so much I take for granted.

So I have been trying to appreciate these things, mostly the people I have. I dont want to wait til something is gone before I realize how much it means. I want to change, to be better than that.

Grown Up Heroes

As a child I remember looking up to adults and thinking of them as heroes. They could do so many things I couldnt! And then as I got older I looked to those with more vintage still, I recognized that with age came quite a lot of wisdom. But once again this thinking seems to have changed. At some point I seemed to not have become aware of the fact that my heroes were my peers. They are the grown ups that are still basically grasshoppers but the way they lead their lives is so much more.

I want to start with JD. JD is not her real name. I wish it was. She has been someone I have looked up to for many years now. I first met her awkwardly in our apartment, I was unpacking and we said hello from down the hall. It was awful. And now I respect and admire her more than anything. JD has always been strong. She used to be crazy but I think at 19 we all were. We had boys to write letters to and everything changed our world. And then we grew up. She got married. She had a girl that was taken from her and yet her faith and strength never wavered. She was the last person to see me before I moved across the world. And she was the person I cried with while watching scrubs when my world fell apart. JD is inspiring. It doesnt matter what trial she is faced with she always turns to the Lord. She knows how to laugh and cry and has a heart bigger than the grinches post growth. I want to be like JD when I grow up.

I cant stop there though.

I knew Jojo was someone I respected when I first met her. I didnt really know her but she was going off to get married one weekend and I told her if she came back all weird then it was over, I wouldnt talk to her anymore. This would have been an issue as we were coworkers. But I had seen it happen too many times and was tired of having married friends that were basically zombies. So I set the rule. She came back as weird as she was when she left, and I have loved her ever since. She is the one I look to for love advice. Her and her husband have been what reminds me that people are meant to be together. That love happens. But that isnt all, she is selfless. She loves me when I dont know how to love myself and makes me laugh when I want to cry. Jojo is almost a mother of two now but I feel like it should be three as I dont know what to do without her even though she is barely older than me.

I could go on but not for today. In less than 40 days I get to see these two beautiful women. They are all grown up now and I still feel like a child even though our ages span nothing different in the big picture. They are the women that put their families and the Lord first and themselves second. They love unconditionally and remind me that I can I be better.

Sometimes we grow up and realize that the strongest people we know are really just our best friends. I couldnt be more blessed.

Glimpses Inside the Chaos

I suppose this is a point that requires introspection. It makes me wonder why the tears flow. The looking within started in a parking lot last night. We were supposed to have milkshakes. Instead I just cried. As you held me it all came out. I am so scared. And I know I shouldnt be, but I am.

It was almost 6 years ago the first time a doctor told me I may never have kids. It was like a bullet to my heart. And the thought of that has haunted me since. Even with encouragement from others saying I would be fine I have always known it isnt that simple. I understand genetics and family history and that doesnt bode too well. So feeling so close to such suffering I cant help but be scared. In a couple of years this could be me. Bad things happen to everyone and I already have the complete background for loss. So I am really scared.

Like most females that grow up with faith centered around families I have always wanted to be a mother. I know nurturing and I cant imagine anything more appealing then raising a family. So perhaps this is why it all hits so close to home. It reminds me how fragile everything is. How the plan is so much bigger than me and my everyday struggles and that I have no idea what will happen next. I dont know if I will have my own children or raise other children. I dont know what it will be like to be married or to fight with my kids or to be so frustrated I cry in prayer. There is so much unknown and it terrifies me. And it makes me wonder if I am strong enough for it all.

When Sorrow Hits A Close Home

I dont think it happens often in life when we feel so much sorrow for someone we wonder how they are surviving. But it has been fourteen hours and I cannot stop the tears still. My heart is broken for you. There are few people in my life that I have loved and laughed with like you and I cannot even come to imagine your pain.

I understand there is a plan. That somehow before we were on earth you chose this, you chose that beautiful girl. And yet I cant not feel sad for you. I cant not worry about you. And it all makes me feel so selfish. I get so stressed about things that are so irrelevant and then something like this happens and I am reminded.

It doesnt compare at all. The closest loss I have had was a baby sister. Paige. She was almost 9 months when she was taken back to heaven and oh did I cry. She was beautiful. And I miss her so much. So I can only start to understand how you feel and that just makes the tears pour. It is probably good that I see so few people at work, I am a wreck.

In 6 weeks I get to see you. And I will take you to a concert and love you and try and be strong for you. But you are the strongest person. And you have a man that will be strong for you too. So for now, for today when it hurts and for all of the other days when it will hurt I hope you know that I love you. That I have looked up to you since you used to lay on my floor reading texts crazily as I stared in confusion, and since you tried to make me like High School Musical. I hope you know that you are never alone and that the Lord will provide you with comfort and that it will get better. You have changed so many lives already and I know you are going to continue to do so and that this experience will somehow make you even stronger. You are blessed and it doesnt make sense to me now but I know she needed you and you needed her. I love you. You are never alone.

All It Takes Are Walls and Paint

Some moments change everything. It is like everything stops except for you. And you can look around only to realize that this is the beginning. That you can see so much ahead . And maybe a little bit you wonder if anyone else saw it, but mostly you are amazed.

We stood there on the separate same stairways with tins of paint and brushes. It was time to choose a colour. So we created our swatches and looked back. And as I looked from the  brown wall to the green wall, both smattered with our three options I knew this was one of those moments. This felt like the beginning of so much.

Underwater Bride

It hasnt been the perception that was the problem per say. I suppose you could argue it either way. And maybe I am only relating because of the background music but the truth is the music usually knows me better than I do. Things havent felt the way they should. Its like they should but dont. Like a bride that feels as real as can be but only exists in the reflection of rippling water. Everything may appear perfect on the surface but there is everything you cant see beyond it.

I have been so frustrated lately. Mostly frustrated at myself for not feeling happier. For not getting over things and just accepting things. For not being able to control everything. And finally last night I decided that it is okay to be sad and angry about things sometimes. I try so hard to just let everything be okay. To just convince myself that the things I hate are not that bad. But sometimes they are. And sometimes I feel sad because of it. So this week I decided that I shall just let myself feel what I feel. I will stop trying to suffocate my emotion and force myself to feel constantly happy. I will forget the self inflicted frustration and find some acceptance.

I am angry that I can have such a healthy lifestyle and feel so unwell.
I am sad that I thought my dad isnt who I thought he was and likely wont ever be that person.
I am angry that he refuses to see the hurt he has caused.
I am frustrated that I am part of an endless waiting game to work here.
I am frustrated that I feel like I have commitments and have to be here when I want to escape.
I am sad that my girls were adopted and I had to let go so that I didnt feel my heart break every single day.
I am scared that my grandparents are getting old.
I am scared that I am so in love that I will get hurt.
I am frustrated that I can control so little.
I am overwhelmed because this is my mental/intellectual, emotional and physical well being that are all basically out of my control. And that makes me scared. And angry. And sad.

So as I sit in this house I am sitting, I have decided that I can actually just let myself feel without fearing it will affect others. It is just me and a dog I am allergic to. So I will cry and feel annoyed and want to throw things. But in the end I know I am entirely okay. And that its okay to have emotion and to feel it, regardless. And maybe acceptance is all I need to find that inner joy that seems to be hiding amidst a twisted version of Starry Nights.

The Force Of The Mountains

It was like we were overcome by a full moon. But we werent. So maybe it was the mountains acting upon us. I have to think it was something because it was such a bizarre twenty and four hours. I want to say it was normal until it was decided we would walk to Tim Hortons for hot chocolate. This walk down the block ended up being closer to ninety minutes. This involved getting lost, having Kate try and take a shopping cart for me to push her in as she didnt want to walk, not having white hot chocolate, walking through a drive thru for hamburgers, having an old crazy smoker lady give us advice on how to ride an inanimate bear we wanted photos with, and a fair few awkward photos. It didnt end once the walk did though. We ventured to the hot tub where another member had their bottoms on inside out so fixed them in the water, then as night fell my little Buttfalo  similar to a buffalo, tried to suffocate me several times as I wanted to sleep.  I want to say things became normal once I woke up being hit in the face by a sleepful sister who denies such. But maybe it was still weird when I bought my newest onesie, it has a backdoor that says "Emergency Exit Eh".

I am so Canadian.

The Greatest Escape

I crave the silence. The aloneness. Sometimes being lonely is super awesome. But then in the same moment I hate the silence. I crave music. I require it. It is like breath to me. I am constantly obsessed with a song. I cannot get enough of the escape that it is. The second I have headphones in it is as if the world doesnt exist. As if I can do anything.

As frustrated and stressed as I have felt lately I am not sure if I have felt any greater release than while shutting out the world and allowing the notes to fill me. I believe music mends broken hearts but that it also mends my other scrapes. I wouldnt say I am obsessed but I might be actually.

I think it took a song and some moments for me to remember that all it takes for me to forget about the world I am wanting to hold up is the right music. Not what you play in the car when I am dying for you to switch it. But the soothing, calming sense that comes from beloveds. I think I need to spend more time with my headphones.

When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.

Warning: May Contain Explicit Content

The last two days were days I would rather not repeat. I used to think I was tough. Apparently I am not. They were awful. I would go back to the beginning but I dont know where it is. So I will just skip to yesterday.

The day before today was the blessed day were I had the great chance to have both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Some how having something shoved down my throat and then up my butt is not my idea of fun. But to make it even better I was able to take 4L of laxatives the day before/morning of. It was awful. But I kept telling myself that at least the procedure would be painless as that is was all of my predecesors told me. They lied. I know I was partially drugged but I have the extremely vivid memory of intense pain and me crying through the pain during it. It was awful. And to make matters worse they said everything was normal! I know, I should be happy. But my inability to feel well doesnt make that my response. I have had regular nausea for a year and a half and with that I have a new sense of motion sickness that makes long car rides and elevator rides a disaster. So them saying they found nothing after torturing me was not my idea of a good day.

Today is the day after. I feel less miserable than the day before but the random cramping and the sore throat along with the papers saying I am fine only frustrate me. I would like a new set of organs. Ones that fail less.

I recognize this is complete whinging. That I could have it so much worse. I am quite lucky and I know that. But I also think that with technology these days it shouldnt be so hard to find out why I feel so sick so often. There has to be an explanation for the nausea and stomach pains. I just wish I could find someone that knew that explanation. And preferably without the pain of yesterday.

On a happy note on the way there my grandparents were driving me and my grandpa played the most awful song. He claimed it was "music to have a colonoscopy to". It was dreadful. Like the colonoscopy. He might have been right.

I am off clear fluids though which makes me a much pleasanter person than I was when I was being starved though so that feels like a good step forwards after feeling like I took a zillion steps back. Maybe I will just go to mind over matter and just ignore it if I feel nauseous. It may work.

One Thing I've Learned, You'll Always Get Hurt, But You Never Give Up

The roller coaster that is me often has those moments where you wonder if it will make it up that hill. When it is chugging along so painfully slowly as the incline only increases but you still know that once it overcomes that upward battle it results in an instant plummet. Yet you live for those moments. I go on roller coasters for the excitement and fear that comes with falling. I crave that anticipation and thrill. So I cant fault life for giving me exactly what I yearn for. As I sat listening to the obvious Motion City  as I studied the lyrics rang more true than  usual. So often I feel such frustration and anger that comes with hurt and wonder why I bother. But they understand. You never give up. Being hurt is part of life. I cant keep living in anticipation of getting hurt. Of worrying that I care too much and wishing I didnt love so whole heartedly. That is me. And I can only guarantee that it will lead to me being hurt again and again but for once I am realizing that I am not going to let it decide that I should give up. I am going to just accept that it happens and try and learn a little more and worry a little less. Instead I should enjoy the thrills of the ride instead of hating myself for the anticipation I cause. I really wish I was on a real roller coaster right now.

UnDéjà Vu

It is a strange feeling. Like déjà vu but somehow different. Perhaps because it is the same situation but feels so much like something new. This week has been confusing. It isnt like anything has really happened and maybe thats why. The snow is blowing steadily as it has for the last eight hours and somehow I can feel the changes that the wind is bringing. Another week and a few days and I am at a new hospital. And then taking my online course and helping you set up a home hopefully. I will be having appointments I have waited so extremely long for and then next thing you know will be a bridal shower and bachelorette I mostly planned. So much is about to happen and I feel like I am on the cusp of my whole life changing. But somehow this week has been so painfully slow and confusing and lonely but not in the way where I have alone time to myself like I want. The kind of lonely where you are never alone on the outside but somehow on the inside you feel it. I want to say it is related to you being gone the way you were when I realized I wanted to be with you. But the only similarity is the city you are in. Nothing has changed with us. We are still us. It is just me. I feel overwhelmed with helplessness and am unsure how to progress. I know I have been here before, so many times. And yet everytime I battle to figure out what to do. Where to go next. How to move on. To create a future that is screaming in my face that it has its own timeline. This has all happened before but I cant figure out the next step. So the only logical thing to do is paint my nails, finish my book and bake tonight. If I cant force the future I can at least try and create sanity.

Stagnant Waters

It feels like the whole world is changing around me and yet my world, the small realm of me, is staying so exactly the same. And it is so painfully frustrating. I constantly feel surrounded by complaints of the exact things I wish I had. Here I am living the life I lived when I was 17. I could walk these halls with my eyes shut. I can book clinics and answer the phone in my sleep. I could be dead and still be able to make charts. It is a suffocating feeling especially when I realize that this is my best option at the moment. There isnt anything else I can find that pays as well as this mediocre wage without my certification being approved. I just want my life back. I never realized how much I was sacrificing by coming home. If I knew I might not have been able to do it. It was hard enough as it was. I just miss it so much that it literally hurts. I miss my freedom. Reading on the train. And Southbank. I loved that place. And my friends. Skyping and texts just dont cut it. And I could be doing what I love if I had stayed, I could be a physio making a difference instead of making charts.  I had such a great life there. And I so badly want to say I dont mind having given it all up because I knew I wouldnt find real love there. But my insecurity is blinding. I cant help but wonder if you love me. And if things dont end up working out I know I will feel angry that I gave up so much to come back to a place that had so little. I just want to feel like my life is going somewhere beyond watching everyone else's lives progress.I just want a small glimmer of something to appear to remind me that this will be worth it. The murkiness of the stagnant waters I am in is only clouding everything more. I just want to get out to open waters full of ebbs and flows.

Feeling A Little Peyton-esque.

I am so struggling emotionally today. I dont know if it is related to the constant migraine I have now had for three weeks, or the mass amounts of snow, or that it is Monday, or if it is because I received another emotionally shunting email or if its because you are buying a home. I really dont know because it could be so much. But either way, its a struggle today.

I think if I introspect honestly I might be able to piece it together. It seems like you are actually building a future.  A business. A home. A life. And I just am scared that the truth could be that I am not part of that. I mean I really might be but then I am scared I am not. Because today when I got another email I was just reminded yet again that if my own father didnt choose a future with me in it then how can I expect any other man to. You must think I am crazy. I cried while we were on the phone but I think I managed to hide it because I dont want you thinking I cant handle this. I can. I just cant help but be insecure because deep down I am not sure if anyone can really stay. I feel exactly like Peyton, it feels like people always leave so how can I believe this is different?

I am really beyond ready for this Monday to be over because it just has been too much. I just am ready for Tuesday so I can give you gifts and torture you with Birthday Celebrations.

Gangsters and Blizzards

Enter. A little black man appearing to be 7 years of age wearing a Lakers flatbrim snap-back along with a diamond stud.

I dont know how you are supposed to react when you see that your previous foster brother who is now three years of age looks like a gangster. Thug life forever.

I couldnt believe how tall him and his sister are. I remember holding them as babies, they have been around our home a lot over the past five years, and now they are huge. She is up to my chest now at 5 years of age, I mean I am pretty average in size but having a 5 year old more than half my height.. it's a little disheartening.

And that was only the beginning. The storm began the next day and being snowed in seemed logical. The tang came out and snowcones were made from the ever drifting snow. Only to be followed by a 645 true wake up of pushing a car out of the gridlock of snow.

I forgot so much when I left. Not once did my snow dreams involve shoveling over and over again or pushing cars or being blinded by the whipping snow while running for a door. Nor they did involve my little babies turning into thugs. Life really has a way of reminding me what is real. And reality is that even blizzards dont mean actual days off in this land. And this land is my land. *chestpound* Peace.

Maybe Fairytales Do Exist

I watched the movies. I knew what love looked like. Disney showed me. I knew that princesses found princes and sometimes not princesses did. I knew that there was wooing and romance and magic. That it was a true fairytale. And then I grew up and realized that life wasnt like a movie. Unless you count the Truman Show. My life is the Truman Show. Trust me.

So many days ago happened. It was a day I seldom give any thought. Besides that Purdys has chocolate hearts. They are delicious. So I knew it was coming and this time it was different. We had talked about it before we were even officially us. And I had suggested going for milkshakes at a drive-in. I am really classy. He suggested what we did.

So it arrived. I wore a new little black dress and tried to appear nicer than my usual scruffy self, but lets get it straight, I didnt go as far as brushing my hair, that would have been way overdoing it. So we left work early and began our drive to the mountains. Something about going into the mountains is just magical. They exude beauty and a sense of escape. And as we neared the gorgeous Fairmont Hotel I realized it was a dream. The hotel is like a castle and possibly grander than anything else I know because its close enough to home that it is real but at the same time it is remarkable and like a fairytale. Maybe it added to it that he had bought me a box of Purdys chocolates and we were in an escalade. I know it sounds lame but it was just so over the top yet real.

We spend the afternoon at the spa, a spa with 3 pools containing waterfalls of different temperatures, a pool of mineral water and a hot tub outside overlooking the mountains. This was interrupted only by a massage and then the hot tubbing continued. It just wasnt like the real world, or my life. It was classy and fancy. It was literally something out of the movies. We had our own robes and were treated like royalty.

We finished up and went to a lovely steak house with another couple and by the time we were ready to head back to the city I was exhausted. I just curled up in the car and he let me sleep as we drove through the mountains home. And eventually we were outside the house. I gave him his TMNT cufflinks and was handed a bag that nearly made me cry. It was Tiffanys. I didnt even want to open it. And in that moment I knew that I would never find anyone that could know me better or make me happier.

I think maybe all of the hype about love in movies might be real. I hated it all before because I didnt understand it and I had never felt it this way before. But now I think I may have just landed in my own fairtytale and it is making me so girly and insecure and happy that I cant even explain it. I may be the luckiest girl alive.

You Brought Me Roses and Left The Thorns

When I first started writing in this context I had a very dear friend who was separated by two hands from me which is probably why we became so close. He had years of wisdom and life and we connected. As time progressed I wondered if I could ever find anyone more suited for me. He had everything I had ever looked for except for one thing. And everyone has to compromise. No one gets what their ideal. So I wondered if I should compromise. I mean our difference was religion. Nothing major right?

I soon learned that I wasn't sure I could compromise on that. I wasn't sure I could have everything but I thought that maybe I needed to not be feeling like I was arguing about my beliefs for the rest of forever. So I resigned myself to letting go and assuming I would have to dwindle my list of wants in a man.

I began to just date whoever. One thing in common is all that you need right? I dont think I even know what a real relationship was. I just knew that when I thought I met people that were right they werent so I stopped trying to meet people like that.

And then in one moment I realized that I didnt have to compromise at all. That I could have everything I wanted. That I did. I want to say I knew before this moment but I think that would be lying. I had known I liked you, obviously as at this point we were dating but I just hadnt thought about it. I didnt think oh hey you have someone that has everything you could have ever wrote on your checklist. It just was there. We were just something. And then you showed up with a dozen roses with thorns. The day was supposed to be about your family, about a wedding. And yet you showed up with roses because you knew the girls had just left hours before. You knew I was struggling. I didnt have to say anything. You just knew I needed something and you wanted me to feel cared about. And in that moment when I saw you at the door with roses I knew. I have everything I could have ever wanted. I never wanted roses without thorns, they feel too fake, they arent the whole thing. I just wanted something real and someone real to be with. And now I have a dozen dried roses that I may just keep forever.

It Has Been A Week

One week. I havent heard a word. I kept so busy. And now I am sitting here on my bed letting it sink it. I havent seen my girls in a whole week. I havent heard their voices. I havent held them. I havent gotten to tell them I love them to the moon and back. They are gone. And I cant not replay our last moments together.

The tears started the moment we stepped in the car. I couldn't stop them. And I wanted to be supportive and I tried but all I felt was my heart breaking. I sat at the table and stared into space. You played and had no idea. We gave you giant kinder eggs and had one last goodbye. The tears poured. I told you both that I would love you forever. And we left.

I hate how much it hurts. I hate letting go. But I wouldn't give up my time with them if I knew how much it would hurt in the end. They were more than foster sisters. They were my sisters. And I will love them forever.

It still hurts. It still feels like they were just taken. I still want to cry. My chest tightens. I bought a pillow that says "Love you to the moon and back" to remind me of them. It is hard not to be reminded of them. I find pictures they drew everywhere. I keep the fox Soph drew for me in my wallet. She knew that I wanted a pet fox so randomly drew me one one night. They were so thoughtful and loving. They were such a part of our lives. I forgot what a void appears when you lose something or someone so important. I feel a little lost. I have no one to take me to the beauty salon with selective hours and do my hair and makeup. I have no one to watch little bear and the Bernstein bears with. I havent read a kids book all week. I havent stood outside the school talking to the other mothers about random things. I just feel a little lost. I just dont think much compares to that kind of love. Going to work doesnt come close to filling that void. Work is a job. Loving the girls was my life. I miss them so much and just pray that they know that I will still love them every single day for the rest of forever.

The Most Bittersweet of Days

Two hours. They told you it was an adoption party. It will be one of the hardest goodbyes of my life. I thought I would have run out of tears by now. I havent. I look at your beautiful faces and I smile. I love you both so incredibly much. More than to the moon and back. And I have to let you go. I hate the system. So many children go to homes they shouldnt. I know you will be taken care of. They arent the worst. I just know I love you more than they ever could. I love you for all of the right reasons. So I dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to let you leave my life.

I am sorry that I cannot control it. The tears just come because of my love. But today you get to move in with two siblings, biological. The system says that is the best. You have a long road ahead but I hope you can look at the photo album of us and listen to the curious george story we recorded and hear our voices and remember us. I dont see the bigger picture. I dont understand the plan. I just have to find some faith and know you werent meant to stay. I just dont want you to ever forget how brave and strong and amazing and loved you are.

So in two hours I will go to McDonalds. I will look at them and try so hard not to be angry that they get you forever and I dont. I will smile at you through the tears. I will ask for too many hugs and I will leave sad. I will then go to a wedding and watch two people vow their lives together. How can one day be so full of loss and new beginnings all at once?

I wish I could just control my tears now and let them out now before you wake up. But I cant. And I dont do well with goodbyes. So I am sorry. I only cry because I love you. Today it will feel like we are the saddest house on earth because we love you so much. And I will probably feel this emptiness linger. But you are young. You are two resilient girls. And you will be okay. And maybe one day you will come and find us.

I love you infiniti to the moon and back.

Packing Your Boxes

Tomorrow is the family session of grief counseling  Grief. I have said the word so many times in the last two weeks it sounds wrong and I am not even sure I know what it means anymore. It feels strange to grieve when no one has passed away. I understand the tears and aching of a loss at a funeral but this isnt that. I wish I loved less.

I packed five boxes today. When she asked me if I could while she was at work it felt like daggers to my heart. I mumbled that I would try. When I woke up and saw the boxes I realized if I didnt start the packing she would have to and it would hurt her more than it would me. I mean I love them like my own daughters but they are truly sisters, they are children to her. They filled that void when we were away at school and she was feeling so lost. So I suppose I feel like I cant grieve too much to my mother because her pain is deeper.

Two days plus a few hours of goodbying, It isnt enough. I gave up on discipline this week. The tantrums had escalated and I realized I wouldnt be making behavioural changes and that they just didnt understand why they were sad and angry. So I just resorted to long hugs and repeatedly saying I love you until the tears and kicking stopped. I wish I could explain their sadness to them but I know I need to be supportive of their new life. I hold back the tears as I hug them and they say they will miss me when they are gone. They have no idea.

I dont know how many more times I will be able to love children and let them go. I just want to keep them all. I just want them to know I love them every single day. I think I am finally beginning to truly understand what being a parent means. And it is so scary and beautiful. But I am not ready for it. I need to understand grief first and let myself be sad when my two angels leave before I will be ready to love again. At least thats how I feel right now.

Under The Weather

The last week had excessively sporadic weather. It reminded me I was home. I don't feel that there are many places that can go from -35 to -5 in a day. And let me tell you, that -5 was light sweater weather, the kind of outfit you would see me wearing in 20 degrees in Australia. Oh how things change, except my clothes, they still just are tights and tops.


I can't blame the weather but I perhaps an blame my infamously awful immune system for my last 36 hours in bed. I have felt so under the weather it is ridiculous. It's one of those cold/flu things where you just ache and have zero energy and walk around like an old person. And the worst part is I know I am stressed and can't exactly change it so it has completely made me vulnerable to get and stay sick.

It is the last week. Five days and maybe two hours or less to say goodbye. Part of me wants to stay with them every second and the rest of me wants to live my tiny life this week so it will hurt the slightest bit less on Saturday. There is no solution. The social system is broken. Children are being placed in homes they shouldn't be and children live in homes they shouldn't. And in a sense I feel like I have to accept it, I can't change the whole system. All I can do is love every child that comes into my life and hope that someone they remember that love one day.

I really would like to be a little less under the weather and a little more enjoying the weather this week because I don't want my girls to miss a thing. I want them to be reminded of how much we love them and always will. I wish I saw the greater picture. But I don't. At all. So all I can is try and stress less and find even more of me to love them because they need it.

That Little White Rock

I closed my eyes. I tried to put words to what I felt. And then the images came. It started out as black and grey swirled together until it became clearer. There was a town, a deserted type one that would come out of a Tim Burton film. It was being overcome by the dark clouds that were forming. It was bleak and lonely and sad. Not the type of place you would want to visit. Then as I sank deeper into the feeling I felt the tears slowly falling down my face but not in a way that I had to stop them. Then the image changed. It was a bare room. All a dark wood. There was a window with the shadows pouring in. And in the corner was a young girl. Dark hair. White nightgown. Curled up in the corner crying and scared. And I didnt mention it at first. But she somehow knew I saw more. As I tried to mention it the sobbing began. I think I knew. The session progressed and she had me visualize sitting next to the girl. She asked what happened. I said the girl crawled onto my lap wanting to be held. As the moments progressed the tears slowed and a light appeared in the room, I felt the heaviness lift. There was hope. It all made sense in the most confusing way.

I suppose this is why I dont delve into my emotions. I am too scared of what I will see. I am so visual. The images were so clear. I realized that inside I truly was as small and scared as I thought I might be. I realized that the insecurities and loneliness were real and a part of me. A part that has been neglected as I have tried to avoid grief and pain. But this upcoming loss has brought it all back. The grieving has began and it is so painful and I didnt realize how much I hurt inside.

The suggestion was art therapy. I was embarrassed  I can visualize the most magnificent creations but my execution doesnt exist. The point was to come away with something tangible. Something to give me that hope when I feel overwhelmed in the cloud that slips over the town and hides the light. She pulled out a small canvas. And I immediately asked if she had a rock or marble. She smiled. She knew I recognized what I needed. I slowly picked up each rock from the basket she handed me and chose one. It was small but large enough to fit perfectly in my hand. It was nearly white and not quite circular. I explained that its imperfection in being a circle and the discoloration along with its impeccable smoothness reminded me to accept the imperfections that life holds and to recognize that in its own way it is perfect. It brings me a sense of acceptance and hope.

I am not overly good at loving sometimes, at least I think so. But as I look at these two beautiful girls that I love like both sisters and children I realize that I love them more than anything. And watching them leave will break my heart and the time leading up to it will be full of grieving and it will continue to bring up insecurities and previous losses and pain. But today I realized that as hard as it is there is hope and that I am just scared. Scared that everyone I love will leave or be unable to stay. Scared that I will never be more than alone. But I saw today that I can be the one there for myself when there is no one else. And I think I will be okay. I will probably cry every single day as I look into their beautiful eyes with the knowledge that their lives are going to be so hard. But in the end I will be able to hold onto the little white rock and remember that there is hope amidst the darkness.

The Human Trap

I wanted to start with saying that I usually like people but I kind of hate humans. But that is different. I generally give people a chance, I accept anyone. But there are some times when I just really cannot seem to like someone. This is one of those times. I am sitting in my room with VMars avoiding the couple sitting at my table, and the awful smell of peanut butter coming from the freshly baked cookies. I want to say they have the right idea in mind but I dont see their hearts in the right place. And the blinding pain of knowing they are taking my sisters is enough to turn me off anyone.

Fast forward two days. I walk in the door to see them. I see that all they did was buy them clothes and drag them to an TV show, no skating or actually activities like they promised. I know this will be a trend. The girls lives are going to dramatically change. They are too you to understand. I am more than old enough to know. I looked away and held in the frustration, anger and tears.

It may seem unfair that I can't seem to give them another chance or like them but I just can't. It is far too much for my little heart to handle. The girls are already Avon out and misbehaving because of this and I can't promise them I will always be there and it will be okay. I am unsure if I could love someone more than I love these girls, and I completely realize the next two weeks are going to continually break my heart as I am forced to let go. So this time no, I can't just smile at these humans, they are not going to give my princesses the lives they deserve and yet I can't do anything about it. Letting go is not one of my strengths. Neither is liking humans.

Fairytales Arent Real

It has all happened so fast in the slowest way. It isnt like I just met him yesterday, it was nearly nine years ago. And yet the last three weeks have gone so painfully slow but have possibly changed the course of my entire life. I want to say I dont know how it happened but I think I do. I came back for so many reasons and not one of them was for a boy. And yet I got here and realized I was ready for a future, for something serious. To progress. And maybe all I had to do was grow up and open my eyes but I somehow realized that the perfect person had been there all along.

Maybe this is why I havent been writing. I just dont like admitting things are real because once you do you can get hurt. Once you say something out loud it has the power to come back and crush you. But the truth is this is the one part of my life that really is feeling like a fairytale. It has the ups and downs, as in me getting frustrated with being complimented and throwing punches. I just have never been spoiled like this or felt like such a princess and it is so confusing, but amazing. And I dont want to get all excited and write that I feel like I am falling entirely but I suppose that is the truth. And maybe I will have my heart broken, and maybe I wont. Because for the very first time I am with someone that is actually good for me and I am beginning to think this is how it is supposed to be. So maybe this is realer than a fairytale. And maybe this is just another short chapter in a really long book. It is just too soon to tell because deep down I know that people always leave.

Even Deadbeats Move Forward

I have always heard if you are staying still you are really moving backwards as life waits for no one. So I am perplexed. I feel so much like I am stagnant, and moving backwards but so much am somehow going forwards. Maybe I just have a skewed outlook on what I measure. Because since I have come back I feel like I have been put in a regression, an unavoidable position which has prevented me from feeling like part of the real world. But there is something inside screaming that so much is moving forward.

As much as I avoid emotion or connection and delving into reality with people I somehow have allowed it. It feels premature, like a flower barely starting to show through the soil. But I can't help it, I have to write. I am so nervous and anxious, I think for once this could become something real but I am so talented at ruining good things. I don't even know if this is a thing to ruin as it may be nothing. And I am so used to saying every single thing that comes into my mind to you but now I am unsure as as I don't want to ask something and get an answer I don't want. But I think this is real real and I dont know how it is happening as am living a deadbeat life. Maybe I just needed to be less distracted to be able to see what was right in front of me. Either way I think I may be really happy about whatever is occurring.

If I Knew Then

I write. And so often it brings laughter and fond memories as I find old journals and sit back and read. I often impress myself with my own insight and so much more amaze myself with my stupidity and ability to fall for someone new every week, so many pages are full of the drama created in my own mind analyzing every moment. And then there are times like tonight. I found a journal that was barely used in a sense. It starts with pictures that make you wonder if I really was almost 22. Example A.

And then I found the pages I forgot existed. The ones that I can only wish didnt but somehow cannot stop reading. I wrote the hour before I knew my Dad had left. He had left me a voicemail during Sunday School. During the third hour of church I wrote "It makes my insides ache. I feel so helpless and desperate inside even though he could be phoning about everything and anything. I need to stop letting my imagination run wild into haunted forests. Back to reality Laur, Dad just wants you to phone him. He is your father. It's no big deal. So STOP stressing over nothing. Stress causes 99% of all illnesses so I should avoid stressing at all costs."

I wish I could go back to that moment and have prepared myself better. To not have returned the call while walking by the duck pond. To not have been so alone. To not have been so unprepared to have my life shattered. Hours later I wrote again "Somedays are ultra hard. They consist of thousands of tears, heartache, uncontrollable aching, sobbing and inner pain. Today was one of those days. I hate this day. I hate it so much. It hurts so bad and I am just so sad. The moment I stop and think or talk to someone the tears just pour out. I hate how I cant control any of it. I hate how much it hurts. This days hurts too much to ever re-live it." I stopped writing for a few months after that because I thought if I didnt write then none of it would be true or real. When I picked up the pen again I wrote about the constant sorrow and how it was killing me from the inside out. I wrote about how I was unsure I could ever trust someone could love me forever after that.

Perhaps this is all way too much information. Too sad. Too real. But tonight this was my life. I reread the words I wrote and my heart broke for the girl that wrote them two years 6 months and 22 days ago. For the girl who had no idea how much sorrow and pain was about to occur upon returning a voicemail. Maybe it explains why I get anxiety when people leave me messages. Maybe it is part of why I dont like talking on the phone. That day changed my life. And I cant say that tonight I dont still feel that sorrow. I cried about it today before I even found this journal. But the saddness is different. It doesnt control my life but it is a part of it. The anger has lessened. The lack of understanding still exists and the pain may never leave. But as I cried through the words I read I realized that it hasnt all changed, time hasnt healed everything, but I am so much stronger and more loving and caring now than I was before. I am more tolerant and understanding albeit cautious and skeptical. And I am a better person because of it all. As much as I hate it sometimes I am grateful I learned what honesty is, and how to face my own emotions. It has shown me so many of my fatal flaws and given me a chance to improve, to become a better person. And I think one day I will fall in love and be happier than I ever thought possible because all of this pain and confusion and loss has taught me more about love than anything else.

So I wish I could go back and tell myself it was going to hurt more than any pain I knew but that I was strong enough and would never have to go through any of it alone. I wish I could have understood how I made myself more alone than I had to be because I was scared. But I cant go back so all I can do is sit here and take a moment to realize how far I have come and that I still have so far to go, but now I know I will never be going it alone and that I can make it through anything. And as painful as some words may feel to write or reread they give me insight and strength that I seldom find elsewhere.

I hope in another two years, six months and twenty two days I will have learned more about forgivenes and be able to look back and see growth that I cant see in the moment.

Night Terrors

I stood there almost confused as to how I got there. The light glowed under the door even though it was barely past 530 so I pushed it open and saw myself in the mirror. Bambi smiled from the nightgown, my hair was so bedheaded but in angelic way, the glasses hid the tears. She turned around confused and as I slowly stepped forward I told her I was having nightmares and began to cry as she held me. She tucked me in her bed and promised to be in the next room so I would be safe and could try and manage a bit of sleep. I laid there with tears pouring down my face for what seemed like ages but after truly minutes sleep refound me.

Perhaps it is embarassing that after twenty four years I found my mothers room post night terror but honestly the love of a mother is unmatched. The night had been filled with a similar dream twice. I was working in what seemed like a police department and there were no police. But a shooter would come and start killing children in front of me as I hid for my life behind a locked door with a room full of other people. It left me full of tears and confusion.

This isn't new. Sleep and I are never on the same page. It likes to terrorize those moments that I so desperately wish were full of blankness. I could write that it is frustrating beyond belief but the truth is behind the fear and tears I remembered that no place is like home and that I will never be too old to have my mother wrap her arms around me as tears stream down my face. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

A Locket

It is hard to explain but sometimes something physical just resonates for an unknown reason. I wouldn't suppose I am overly worldly but I do like things. I mean my records mean a lot to me and so do my opals and family treasures. But they all have some form of sentiment. They carry memories. So I felt confused why I was so compelled to put the necklace on and not take it off. Perhaps it is because you went out of town right after and in those few hours between I actually opened up to you. And now you feel a million miles away and it scares me that I care so maybe I keep it on for some kind of comfort. I am unsure. But I think things are changing and perhaps will be changed in a week.

A Ring

My mind is currently obsessed with weddings and this is partially not my fault. I am currently most likely the worlds most excited maid of honour and I also have a wedding to attend next month that I am unreasonably looking forward to. So this combination has been fatal. My life has become Pinterest and wedding thoughts. Plus due to the frequent engagements that occur around me it all is just too much for my single mind to handle. So tonight I broke down and had the briefest perusal on a particular website I knew would hold my dream ring. After brief moments I closed the page as I knew I was creating unfulfillable dreams. Only to have an unsuspecting friend text me a picture of literally my dream ring an hour later during a conversation that randomly turned to guessing what kind of ring I like. Someone punch me in the face before I become that crazy girl that plans a wedding that is not happening.

That Feeling

You know that feeling when you are blushing so much you feel warm and your heart starts racing and you just want to vomit? Well I have it. I think it might mean I care about someone but I am so incredibly unable to cope with the emotion it just overwhelms my whole system.

I Resolve

This year I am making only one resolution.

I resolve to follow my heart a little more and my head a little less.

May this year be full of new experiences, growth and love.

End Chapter

Another year is about to close. It feels like the appropriate time to squeeze my eyes shut and try and remember what has happened over the last twelve months. I think a lot but so little comes to mind. Actually I think this past year has been massively huge, a lot has happened that cannot be quantified in any other way than being life changing.

I thought about summarizing my year and writing a million things but I changed my mind and decided the following was more important.

It could be said that completing my masters was the biggest accomplishment of my year, and possibly my life. But I have to disagree. This year I decided to start healing myself, to proactively take steps to become the person I always thought I could be. I decided to no longer let circumstance or others prevent my happiness but to fight for it, and I couldn't be more excited about that fact. Twenty twelve was the year that pushed me to the place where I chose to change instead of dreaming it. And as much as my future feels blank and confusing I can't be unexcited as mentally and emotionally I know this year is going to be incredible.

The View From Here

I forgot how beautiful the city is, especially covered in snow. It still amazes me that I can stand in a park in the midst of the city and have such a perfect view of both the mountains and the skyscrapers. It was breathtaking. Moments that make you stop because you want to remember them. Because you dont want them to end.

I suppose honesty would lead me to admit it wasnt just the view. It had been too long. I had forgotten what we were like. Hanging out with you is different. It is always like no time has passed, even though this time it was nearly a year. We just pick up right where we had left off and delve into the deep things that arent always easily spilled. And somehow you always say what I need to hear but dont realize I need to hear. I think I realized more about myself in those ninety minutes than some people do in a lifetime. You bring that out in me. The reflection, the pure honesty, the innocence.

I reconsidered my outward views on marriage and finally saw what I believed inside. The words came out before I even realized it was how I felt. I learned that I actually did know what I was looking for but I just needed someone to remind me, someone who knew me beyond comprehension. The fresh air overlooking the city and the crisp snow beneath our feet was only a backdrop to the emotional and intellectual sharing that poured out.

As I drove home I found myself singing, like I always do. But somehow I was smiling.  And it wasnt just within. I had forgotten so much. You make me want to punch you in the face so incredibly often but I think it may be because I might never love someone the way I love you. Because you truly know every single little thing and have never looked at me differently, you respect me, you tease me, you know me. I can only wonder if anything better exists, or if we really should face the facts that you are like a dinosaur and I am so entirely innocent, but we compliment each other.

Paying to Fail Tests

I somehow forget how depressing visits to the eye doctor are. You pay to sit there and acknowledge your complete inability to see any of these supposed letters being flashes before your eyes. And then they ask you to choose between two things a dozen times and you have no idea what the right answer is but it definitely feels like they are somehow tricking you. And ultimately you leave realizing you actually are as blind as you hoped your weren't and wondering how many tests you failed. Perhaps it is the worlds way of humbling me. Or maybe I just have really poor eyesight and should just accept that fact.

Your Adoptive Family

Tomorrow we meet them. And all I can do is continually wish I was a year further in my life. If I had my real job started and a home I could adopt you both. I already love you more than infinity. But instead I am barely graduated with a huge loan and an inability to work in my homeland. It just wouldn't be possible yet.

But you have no idea. You love our grandparents like I do. You fit with use. Like every other child that has graced our home you feel like you are ours. And I am so not ready to meet the people that will take you. My heart already hurts knowing there will be a goodbye.

I am such a fan of adoption and know that one day I will adopt and love someone else's child as my own but that somehow never makes it easier to let go. I just too easily give my heart to children that aren't mine. I hope they are nice and love you even close to the way I do.

A Little Humour

I have a lot of friends that are teachers. In fact it seems like basically all of my friends that I did not meet in physio are teachers. I know that is a generalization but it is basically true. And because I know teachers they ALWAYS have hilarious things that their students have said. I love it. I think children are insightful and hilarious. So today I am commemorating a few cute things my little sisters have said.

Soph: I want to put my whole body in the toilet because I think it would be like a hot tub.

Soph: (While in DQ during lunch with teenagers all over) All of those kids are so loud, dont they know how to act in a restaurant?

Soph: I am 5, how old are you? 7?
Me: I am 24.
Soph: YIKES!

Soph: Since you are allergic to dogs and cats I think you need a fish. Lets go buy you a fish.

Soph: Where are we going?
Me: To our surprise for lunch.
Soph: How do we get there?
Me: I dont know.
Soph and Liv: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Whats so funny?
Soph: You are driving and dont even know where to go! Thats so funny we cant stop laughing!

Meg: Sophia has bunny ears in the photo!
Soph: Stop, I have to go get my bunny ear headband!


Me: I need to go shower so I can smell as clean as you.
Soph: Sniff sniff, you smell like potatoes and corn and you look like peas!

Me: Can I wear your unicorn shirt?
Soph: Nope
Me: Why not?
Soph: Cuz you're a horse!

Gpa: Are you twitting over there?
Kate: How do you know what Twitter is?
Gpa: I know a twit when I see one!

Soph: Kate say something.
Soph: oh you can't talk? You must be a baby! Baby baby baby baby

Meg: you can have ham til it comes out your ears.
Soph: out my ears? Not again!

Soph: gah!I just can't stop dancing!

Laur: silly mum
Soph: tricks are for kids!

Soph: I love pigs. They are so tasty. I just love eating them all the time.

Soph: Lauren, I broke my leg in the wind!

Laur: Liv why are smacking my bum?
Liv: I'm not! I'm hitting your toosh!

Soph: why don't you have toys in your bath?

Laur: you want a cat, Kate wants a dog and I want a fox
Soph: You can't have a fox! You are allergic to everything! You can only have a fish!

Liv: your bum is too squishy!
Soph: maybe it can be a pillow!
They then proceed to lie on me with my bum as their pillow.

Soph: I am going to read the newspaper while I eat, I haven't done that in awhile!

Liv: I want to marry cake with my eyes.
Soph: ah! Then you will have weird kids like chocolate cake babies.

Soph: (pointing to a large animal and talking to meg) and that's you.
Meg: that one is me?????
Soph: oh wait, that's a cow.

I am really going to miss those two and their humour.

A Window of Confusion

Sometimes it feels like I don't know what's real and what isn't. It is like I can't separate fact from possibility and it just leads to a murky waters that I live in. I know part of it is because I am so incredibly stubborn. I like to come up with my own ideas and shape my own life so even if someone else has a great idea for me I may feel adverse to it. So then I cant isolate whether it actually is for the best or not. I suppose in a sense this comes down to marriage lately. It isnt like I have suitors lined up by a door but I feel like I have to make choices I just dont know what they are. I always thought I knew what I was looking for but now I am not sure. My picture of marriage and happiness has been so shattered that I feel unsure of what really matters. I thought I could like the five essentials but maybe I cant. Maybe the things I used to think were essential were superficial. Maybe I really know nothing about this whole love and eternity thing. Regardless, I just wish the waters seemed clearer and I knew what I should be looking for because I am scared I am missing out on good things because of my uncertainty and inability to let anyone in.

Like Waiting For Santa

I sit by the window waiting with a sense of nervous apprehension. The heater is on so I try and cram as much of myself onto the vent as possible to counteract the cold, large window in front of me. The ground is covered in white which reflects the lights on the tree and across the house. It is Boxing Day.

It isn't like I need something particular or feel the need to be the first in the shops but I also feel the day would be emptier if I didn't attend the shops. So all I can do is sit staring out the window wondering where you are to begin our much more humanly hour of shopping than usual.

Christmas Musings

It is a time when family gathers and tension is high but at the heart of it all is laughter and love. And somehow it all leads me to reflection.

Tonight we discussed our favorite Christmases past, after my grandpa reminded me of how gothic I look- even with red nails and an outfit with much less black than normal. As we told our stories I remembered a beloved Christmas card praising my mother for raising a retarded son who acts like a wimpy schoolgirl and the years we saved up and gave away gifts to people who wouldn't have a Christmas. There was a sense of magic that can only come from the love of a family.

And yet as I sit here musing I recognize that the day was atypical in so many ways. It was filled with the hassle of Walmart and getting free items due to their frustration and the stress of trying to organize a variety of dishes and snacks before guests arrived. And somewhere there were unexpected messages that reminded me of a past I had nearly forgotten. And of future memories that could occur. And I can't deny the excitement.

I sometimes get lost in my past. And feel floundering in my future as my life is so uncertain right now and it scares me. But for those few moments of schoolgirl texting I felt a reprieve from my own insecurities. Christmas has a way of making dark things seem bright. May you feel the saviours love around you a little extra today.

Dinner Tonight, Therapy Tomorrow

How poetic I thought as I imagined writing this. Except for the slight fact it is true. Tonight is the dreaded dinner. I realize I am a bad person for going mostly in the hopes of coming home with gifts and slightly because it is the right thing. However, I just cannot be a better person than this today. I havent had an anxiety attack or thrown up yet so I think that counts as doing better than the last meal I attended. Luckily I have a mother who is wise and upon hearing of dinner booked me in to see a therapist tomorrow haha. I think that we can laugh about it is good.

Divorce is sad. But I believe it can lead to the joy of celebrating two holidays twice. Just not in this situation. Sometimes people lie and are deceitful and selfish. Sometimes they seem to forget what their role is and that it requires a sense of selflessness. And because of this and a million more things this dinner is celebrating a holiday twice. I have spent the last 6 hour shutting down emotionally so that by the time I arrive I should be in robot state. I will say as little as possible. I will avoid any real contact. And this is because if I act human I will only ask all of the questions you wont answer and my anger and hurt will get the best of me. So instead I will count the minutes and fill my cheeks with food to avoid having to speak or respond. And tomorrow I will meet a therapist who is supposed to help me learn how to take control of these situations and help me recognize why I cant seem to trust anyone after realizing I had been lied to for most of my life.

So I wish I could write and say tonight I will be trying my hardest to make this dinner seem like it is celebrating the season. But I cant. I am not there yet. And it may take me a really long time to get there. But I am proud of myself for attending because that is a really huge step for me and is going to hurt a lot more than the physical pain my body tends to feel. So here is to the night I wont want to remember and moving on to let myself enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

The Uterus Question

Recently someone close to me was asked if you need a uterus to have a baby. This question would be acceptable if the questioner was not in her 50s and the biological mother of two grown children. I nearly died of laughter when I heard.

My uterus and I have not been very amicable for at least the past 7 years. In fact we have reached a point where I already know it will be removed. It is just a matter of time. And today it extra hates me. It really doesnt seem to be aware that this is Christmas time and I have quite a lot to do.

Since I came home ten days ago I have spent the majority of my time with my two little sisters. And last night we reached a point where I realized I was like a mother. I was wearing a tutu as they requested because they were wearing theirs, while I was making their dinner and sewing an arm and a head back on two different bunnies. Today I dressed as an elf for preschool as it was my sisters special day and I wanted to make sure it was special. I really love these girls a lot. As much as I would my own children.

So as much as I really really hate my uterus and am slightly drugged up right now to dull the pain I will keep it for a little while because I know that you  need a uterus to have a baby and I really would like to have a child of my own one day. The uterus will not win.

Deception

I am quite aware of the season and festivities but despite that I feel the need to release. I have always been known for being a bit blunt. Things just come out of my mouth and I do sometimes regret it, but I just speak faster than I think. So I suppose because of that I just thought it was always really hard to lie. I mean when you dont even have time to think and then you realize you have said three sentences well its too late to change your story. So because of this I just like to think that people are really honest. Sarcasm is not included. I bleed sarcasm. But that isnt the same as deception. I just have realized that there are humans that lie so much that they even begin to believe that what they are saying is true. They convince themselves that they are not in the wrong. They completely pull the wool over their own eyes to spare themselves the despair that comes from dishonesty. And I have learned that when you begin to see through the wool and recognize that it was a wolf all along it can be extremely painful.

I know that I say the wrong things a lot. But for the first time I have realized that I would rather say the wrong thing and be honest than to live a life that is a twisted web of lies. Lies hurt people. But as much as I am learning about deception I finally feel like a scrap of the truth is being uncovered and I would rather learn the truth and feel its sting than to continue to be fooled by the sheeps clothing.