Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

The Truman Lauren Show

I often wish  wonder if my life is a movie or television show.  Not because I think it is so drama filled and fascinating that citizens of all places would tune in, but because strange things always happen and when they happen I usually can imagine the song that would be used to accompany it.  Dramatic, I know. I just can't help the way I feel. I constantly am narrating my own life and adding in the music and usually finding it to be fascinating.

Like the other night, I nailed a Tide-to-go commercial. Imagine a pale pink dress with red wine spilled across the front and back. Out comes my Tide-to-go and next thing you know the dress is basically perfect. The wedding continues and I assume relatively few knew, minus the ones still in awe from my skill. Perfect commercial. Except it was my life.

And somehow there tends to be characters full of drama that I cant avoid, like the ones you see on the Bachelor and wonder how they can possibly be real people and how the Bachelor can even want to date them. These characters feel placed in my life to add hype and to obtain viewers. So clearly there is a high probability that me writing this blog is not useful as everyone is already watching my every move.

This must be how Truman felt. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I actually lived in Australia for two years or if those thoughts have been planted. Maybe I never left here. Maybe nothing is real.

But then again what is reality? 

Stagnant Waters

It feels like the whole world is changing around me and yet my world, the small realm of me, is staying so exactly the same. And it is so painfully frustrating. I constantly feel surrounded by complaints of the exact things I wish I had. Here I am living the life I lived when I was 17. I could walk these halls with my eyes shut. I can book clinics and answer the phone in my sleep. I could be dead and still be able to make charts. It is a suffocating feeling especially when I realize that this is my best option at the moment. There isnt anything else I can find that pays as well as this mediocre wage without my certification being approved. I just want my life back. I never realized how much I was sacrificing by coming home. If I knew I might not have been able to do it. It was hard enough as it was. I just miss it so much that it literally hurts. I miss my freedom. Reading on the train. And Southbank. I loved that place. And my friends. Skyping and texts just dont cut it. And I could be doing what I love if I had stayed, I could be a physio making a difference instead of making charts.  I had such a great life there. And I so badly want to say I dont mind having given it all up because I knew I wouldnt find real love there. But my insecurity is blinding. I cant help but wonder if you love me. And if things dont end up working out I know I will feel angry that I gave up so much to come back to a place that had so little. I just want to feel like my life is going somewhere beyond watching everyone else's lives progress.I just want a small glimmer of something to appear to remind me that this will be worth it. The murkiness of the stagnant waters I am in is only clouding everything more. I just want to get out to open waters full of ebbs and flows.