Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

Power To the People, We Dont Want It, We Want Pleasure

I have never proclaimed myself to be ahead of the times or the founder of independence. I never thought I was cooler or hipper than anyone else. I have never fit into any real stereotype. But I do have a lot of opinions and sometimes I do relate to the "indie" scene extremely well.

I only knew of people like Usher in high school because my best friend at the time loved him. I listened to The Used and Senses Fail a lot that year. Her boyfriend understood. And the next year I really got into music. I was always on Purevolume, a site I thought everyone spent all of their time on. That wasnt true. I had years of listening to Waking Ashland, Matchbook Romance, The Spill Canvas and The Format on repeat. And because of this one day I became friends with the lead singer of Waking Ashland. I felt famous. We had breakfast together. After shows he would ask about specific classes I was in because we knew each other. And he was my first introduction to Kickstarter. In case you arent as indie as me Kickstarter is a website where you fund projects. You ask for x amount of money and you have 30 days to reach that goal in pledges. For each pledge you offer rewards. So for my first experience it was something like paying $25 to get the cd and a shirt when it came out. It was like preordering but it allowed the artist to fund the album independently. I thought it was novel. I loved it. So when it happened for Veronica Mars to make a movie I was obsessed and then again for Zach Braff's movie which has reached its goal and still has days to tick away. I read all the critiques I come across on this. Haters be hating. I think Kickstarter is changing the way media is created. And I love it. I really do. I am elated that for a rather minimal fee I will have a limited vinyl, a shirt, 3 art prints, the script and more. I like being a part of something, or creating art. Of feeling like a community in something that takes the power back to the people.

I think we all could stand to be a little more independent. To forgo the images that media says we should be like. To forget what people expect. And to be ourselves a lot more. I have always been a bit this way and I know it can lead to disappointment and contention and frustration, but I also know it makes me a whole heck of a lot happier when I am living for myself and not giving up control to the world. Kickstart yourself.