Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

The Closest I Got To The Postal Service Was The Post Office

One time I planned a trip to Utah revolving entirely around the 10 year anniversary tour of the Postal Service. This was monumental to me as they only made the one album and havent been touring in many moons. I bought the tickets along with a limited edition pressing on vinyl the moment they were released. I was ecstatic. So the time came. I drove the fifteen hours and began to reunite with my companions. Finally the time came to drive to the Saltair. As I was on my way I decided to check in on a loved one and in doing so received an email stating the concert was cancelled due to illness. Welcome to my life.

So The Postal Service totally bailed on me but it may have made me realize a little bit more what really matters. Instead I ended up at a Lamaze class playing the role of partner. As we talked about labour and its related topics I realized that I knew this stuff, well. I knew the massages and relaxation techniques and breathing and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I forget that I learned a lot in school as I have been stuck not using it for half a year. Class progressed and somehow it seemed more important to support a best friend than it did to hear a band. Something I wouldnt usually say or feel.

My trip wasnt full of the most monumental or touristy moments. It wasnt sleepless nights and endless partying. It was reconnecting with people that have shaped and changed my life. It was bonding with a little girl whos birth I missed. And it was a reminder that I am not alone.

I may have only been to the  Post Office which was traumatic enough but I dont feel as cheated as I expected. I feel fulfilled. My roadtrip was everything I needed to remind me of who I am.

There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.

Fragility

You dont know what you have til its gone.

At least that is was people tell me. I am the kind of girl that wants what I cant have. All the time. If you tell me I cant have something and I think its stupid before that, I will then think it is awesome. I just get antsy. I cant handle things being the same. I like progression and change, as much as I hate change I like it more than stagnant waters.

Lately I have just realized how we dont have guarantees. People leave. People die. We change and our lives move on and we never know how long we have something or someone. And I just want to start being more aware of that. Being more grateful for what I have today because I never know when things might change again.

Its been twenty nine months since I was last in Utah, a place I called home for four long years. And I often wonder why I didnt treasure it more, why I didnt see everything and everyone when I could. So I am going back. I am going to try and see all of those people that shaped my life there. To sit in Juice n Java and remember what life was like there. To remember who I was. I just dont want to keep taking advantage of things, I want to appreciate them.

I suppose loss has triggered this. I look around and its so easy to see people hurting. To realize how quickly it all changes and to recognize that I have so much that I will miss if I lose it. I am a really lucky girl. I dont always see it, especially when it comes to the everyday struggles like finances and careers and coordinating my life, but I am. I cant imagine what I would do without my mother, and my grandma and my lover. There is so much I take for granted.

So I have been trying to appreciate these things, mostly the people I have. I dont want to wait til something is gone before I realize how much it means. I want to change, to be better than that.

Grown Up Heroes

As a child I remember looking up to adults and thinking of them as heroes. They could do so many things I couldnt! And then as I got older I looked to those with more vintage still, I recognized that with age came quite a lot of wisdom. But once again this thinking seems to have changed. At some point I seemed to not have become aware of the fact that my heroes were my peers. They are the grown ups that are still basically grasshoppers but the way they lead their lives is so much more.

I want to start with JD. JD is not her real name. I wish it was. She has been someone I have looked up to for many years now. I first met her awkwardly in our apartment, I was unpacking and we said hello from down the hall. It was awful. And now I respect and admire her more than anything. JD has always been strong. She used to be crazy but I think at 19 we all were. We had boys to write letters to and everything changed our world. And then we grew up. She got married. She had a girl that was taken from her and yet her faith and strength never wavered. She was the last person to see me before I moved across the world. And she was the person I cried with while watching scrubs when my world fell apart. JD is inspiring. It doesnt matter what trial she is faced with she always turns to the Lord. She knows how to laugh and cry and has a heart bigger than the grinches post growth. I want to be like JD when I grow up.

I cant stop there though.

I knew Jojo was someone I respected when I first met her. I didnt really know her but she was going off to get married one weekend and I told her if she came back all weird then it was over, I wouldnt talk to her anymore. This would have been an issue as we were coworkers. But I had seen it happen too many times and was tired of having married friends that were basically zombies. So I set the rule. She came back as weird as she was when she left, and I have loved her ever since. She is the one I look to for love advice. Her and her husband have been what reminds me that people are meant to be together. That love happens. But that isnt all, she is selfless. She loves me when I dont know how to love myself and makes me laugh when I want to cry. Jojo is almost a mother of two now but I feel like it should be three as I dont know what to do without her even though she is barely older than me.

I could go on but not for today. In less than 40 days I get to see these two beautiful women. They are all grown up now and I still feel like a child even though our ages span nothing different in the big picture. They are the women that put their families and the Lord first and themselves second. They love unconditionally and remind me that I can I be better.

Sometimes we grow up and realize that the strongest people we know are really just our best friends. I couldnt be more blessed.