Religion on a Monday?

I expect things to happen. I dont trust people because I know that people always leave. Only sometimes do they come back. I know that so much is out of my control. So my mind gets spinning and I forget about what I can control. I get so focused on obligations and waiting games that I just let myself get overwhelmed and I cease to function as me. I dont know how this starts. Or even when. My mind is perpetually going. I just get lost in it. My thoughts become me. And then nothing becomes useful or productive.

So I am trying to change. Like usual. As if I havent said that a million times. But maybe I just am always reminding myself to try harder. I just want to be better. To be someone that other people can look up. To make a difference. To love myself. So I am trying harder. And I think the biggest part of this for me is religion.

I know I dont often write about my beliefs and it isnt because its a big secret cult. I am not into white supremacy  It is just because its sacred. What I believe is everything to me. But because of that I should want to share it more. So it is probably just the usual fear sort of thing. No one likes sharing something special and having dodgeballs thrown at it. But I think today I feel brave.

I am getting ready to take a bigger step in my life. No, there is not a ring involved. I am getting ready to go through the temple and in my church thats a something you prepare for your whole life. We sing songs as children about someday going to the temple. And like other churches, the temple is a sacred place. So in my preparation I am trying to draw closer to the Lord. To trust him more and believe in a plan. To not let my faith falter so much as I struggle to learn from my trials. I am becoming better because I am coming closer to our Saviour. I am recognizing that there is so much more than me but to see that I have to be able to accept who I am and to want to become the best I can be.

So I have been listening and reading more from what we call General Conference, is this thing that happens twice a year where we get to hear from the Prophet and the Apostles, if you havent heard of it you should check it out. Its pretty cool. But mostly it is inspiring. It gives me strength. And reminds me that I am not alone.

I want to be someone that means something. I want to make a difference, and I think I am finally realizing that will happen by becoming more Christlike. By getting a bit further out of my head and becoming a little more aware and tolerant of everything else.

Fragility

You dont know what you have til its gone.

At least that is was people tell me. I am the kind of girl that wants what I cant have. All the time. If you tell me I cant have something and I think its stupid before that, I will then think it is awesome. I just get antsy. I cant handle things being the same. I like progression and change, as much as I hate change I like it more than stagnant waters.

Lately I have just realized how we dont have guarantees. People leave. People die. We change and our lives move on and we never know how long we have something or someone. And I just want to start being more aware of that. Being more grateful for what I have today because I never know when things might change again.

Its been twenty nine months since I was last in Utah, a place I called home for four long years. And I often wonder why I didnt treasure it more, why I didnt see everything and everyone when I could. So I am going back. I am going to try and see all of those people that shaped my life there. To sit in Juice n Java and remember what life was like there. To remember who I was. I just dont want to keep taking advantage of things, I want to appreciate them.

I suppose loss has triggered this. I look around and its so easy to see people hurting. To realize how quickly it all changes and to recognize that I have so much that I will miss if I lose it. I am a really lucky girl. I dont always see it, especially when it comes to the everyday struggles like finances and careers and coordinating my life, but I am. I cant imagine what I would do without my mother, and my grandma and my lover. There is so much I take for granted.

So I have been trying to appreciate these things, mostly the people I have. I dont want to wait til something is gone before I realize how much it means. I want to change, to be better than that.

Feeling A Little Peyton-esque.

I am so struggling emotionally today. I dont know if it is related to the constant migraine I have now had for three weeks, or the mass amounts of snow, or that it is Monday, or if it is because I received another emotionally shunting email or if its because you are buying a home. I really dont know because it could be so much. But either way, its a struggle today.

I think if I introspect honestly I might be able to piece it together. It seems like you are actually building a future.  A business. A home. A life. And I just am scared that the truth could be that I am not part of that. I mean I really might be but then I am scared I am not. Because today when I got another email I was just reminded yet again that if my own father didnt choose a future with me in it then how can I expect any other man to. You must think I am crazy. I cried while we were on the phone but I think I managed to hide it because I dont want you thinking I cant handle this. I can. I just cant help but be insecure because deep down I am not sure if anyone can really stay. I feel exactly like Peyton, it feels like people always leave so how can I believe this is different?

I am really beyond ready for this Monday to be over because it just has been too much. I just am ready for Tuesday so I can give you gifts and torture you with Birthday Celebrations.