Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

I Make Plans To Watch Them Burn

I had a plan. I would come home, get healthy and go right back. I was going to stay til I could work here. The plan was well thought. Appearing to be flawless. I was wrong. I never imagined I would come back and immediately be in love, ready for a future. A future that felt cemented in my home world.

At first I was so frustrated. A relationship wasnt in the plan. I wanted to go back to Brissy. To my world of independence. I didnt come back for love. I didnt come back to grow up. So here I was. Feeling trapped at my own doing. The frustration building as nothing was going my way. So I started looking for jobs. I realized that it likely wouldnt be overly hard to leave. There were jobs abroad. I am qualified. So I mentioned it. I told my lover there were options. I expected annoyance or excuses. I received the support I didnt deserve. And then I realized I no longer had to go back. All I wanted was to feel like I was in charge. Like my decisions were my own. As thought I was free. And you allowing me that option and saying you would wait was more than I deserved.

You have been out of town since I have thought clearly enough to realize this. But when you get back I will tell you. I cant leave you to back for two months. I would rather have a life here with you than to try and create and fulfill selfish dreams there. I had a life there. And I will go back. But right now it is time for my life with you.

Maybe God really does laugh when I make plans.

When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.

Gangsters and Blizzards

Enter. A little black man appearing to be 7 years of age wearing a Lakers flatbrim snap-back along with a diamond stud.

I dont know how you are supposed to react when you see that your previous foster brother who is now three years of age looks like a gangster. Thug life forever.

I couldnt believe how tall him and his sister are. I remember holding them as babies, they have been around our home a lot over the past five years, and now they are huge. She is up to my chest now at 5 years of age, I mean I am pretty average in size but having a 5 year old more than half my height.. it's a little disheartening.

And that was only the beginning. The storm began the next day and being snowed in seemed logical. The tang came out and snowcones were made from the ever drifting snow. Only to be followed by a 645 true wake up of pushing a car out of the gridlock of snow.

I forgot so much when I left. Not once did my snow dreams involve shoveling over and over again or pushing cars or being blinded by the whipping snow while running for a door. Nor they did involve my little babies turning into thugs. Life really has a way of reminding me what is real. And reality is that even blizzards dont mean actual days off in this land. And this land is my land. *chestpound* Peace.

Ankylosaurus

Fact. The Ankylosaurus' were known as the armored tanks of the dinosaur world. They had clubbed tails formed by bony plates that were fused together, this was their most formidable weapon.

The Ankylosaurus is my favourite dinosaur, it exudes beauty and strength and is known for its protective nature of its young; hence I feel it is an appropriate beginning to this epic journey of my writing.

I am nearing one of those checkpoints in life. Close your eyes and remember playing like Super Mario Brothers and when you have to reach certain points or when you die you go back to the beginning, don't act like you dont know what I mean, because I know you do. I am at one of those points. With graduation fast approaching I am reaching a spot I wont be going back before. I wont be going back to undergraduate studies, and its highly unlikely I will even be at BYU taking classes again. Checkpoint.

In the observance of this checkpoint reality is definitely hitting. For once I have to find my own path. I wont just be going to school and working. I will be looking for a job I want to do long term, and waiting to hear back from graduate programs and medical schools. Its kinda a huge change. I have gotten so used to just being a student and working in the summers I actually cant even imagine what it will be like to be in a different place. I mean I can sit here and imagine Unicorns and dinosaurs and when I hear stories I can draw them out in my mind, but its like trying to imagine my wedding, I just draw a blank. I would be the worst fortune teller ever, I have little vision of the future. Although that makes it sound like I don't have a future. Its not like that, not at all. I just don't know where the future is taking me, thats all. Oh, and surprisingly, I am okay with it. Initially the unknowingness was killing me, but I decided to take it all in. This is going to be such an epic adventure as I figure out my real future.

However, in all of the changing and growing up I have found myself more I think. I have learned that the only way I can deal with stress is to think it out logically and then to meditate. I am pretty sure knowing this will save me at some point. Or like every other week when I have 700 thousand exams. Or like how I realized how happy coffee shops make me. There is something therapeutic about sitting in a coffee shop with someone. Although there is a major stipulation, it has to be with someone you can really just open up and talk to. I find coffee shops bring out the real me more than most locations, its like they lure me in and their quaint atmosphere just opens me up. Perhaps I should live in one. That would actually be amazing..

The reality of all of this incessant word vomit is me realizing my life is changing. And it's as if I should be growing up, and I am, but I have decided to not lose myself in growing up. I will still play pokemon on my gameboy between classes, I will still read about dinosaurs, and imagine unicorns being real. And as ridiculous as I am, well I am happy. So I will take my longboard, and my plaid shirts, and meditating and coffee shops anyday and everyday, over conforming. I am happy with who I am, and I am pretty sure thats what is most important right now. Hm. Epiphany. And this is why I blog. It brings out how I feel in ways that I dont realize, until I start writing it.

Moral. The moral of this novel of thoughts is that life is changing. I mean the ankylosaurus was such a powerful and majestic creature but change brought about its extinction. No matter how in control we think we are we really have no idea what is around that dark corner, or whats underneath the water below. So instead of stressing about the future and finding yourself walking about with nightmares about the future, its best to just find what you like and stick with it. I am not saying avoid change, infact, EMBRACE it. But while you are on a path towards change don't forget who you are and what makes you unique. All those quirky things I like is what shapes me. So I am going to look for a jump rope and perhaps swing in a park, because it will be fun.

Thanks Ankylosaurus for your beauty, perhaps one day I will leave a legacy to inspire like the way dinosaurs inspire me. Peace.