I Can't Break If I Don't Bend

I hate this keyboard. Why am I working in an office with a ghetto keyboard that sounds like monkeys jumping on a bed with each keystroke? I dont even know. I wish I could make all of the rules in my department. I wouldnt allow them to hire slackers and I would actually enforce a dress code and I would make my employees show up for a least an honest amount of time. This isnt even what this post is supposed to be about. But as I typed the title I realize how awful this keyboard is and it brought me onto my work rant. End rant.

Most of my posts are inspired by lyrics. If you are bored this is a song worth listening to that has in fact inspired this. I am inflexible. Not in the physical way. Physically I can do the splits which apparently makes me flexible. So it is in the reality way. I do not like having to bend if I am the only one doing so. Compromise has to occur in more than one party of I become insanely stubborn. And I mean insanely. To the point where I argue things I dont care about just because I want equality and am tired of bending. I am completely aware that I am crazy.

This morning I am feeling this oncoming stubbornness. I feel like I am so willing to change all of my plans and not to put myself first  but I a may be quite alone in this. And if it keeps appearing so I will refuse to bend. I will become frustratingly inflexible because I feel like I may  be sitting on a back burner.

The world is spinning way too fast in reckless abandonment. 

Underwater Bride

It hasnt been the perception that was the problem per say. I suppose you could argue it either way. And maybe I am only relating because of the background music but the truth is the music usually knows me better than I do. Things havent felt the way they should. Its like they should but dont. Like a bride that feels as real as can be but only exists in the reflection of rippling water. Everything may appear perfect on the surface but there is everything you cant see beyond it.

I have been so frustrated lately. Mostly frustrated at myself for not feeling happier. For not getting over things and just accepting things. For not being able to control everything. And finally last night I decided that it is okay to be sad and angry about things sometimes. I try so hard to just let everything be okay. To just convince myself that the things I hate are not that bad. But sometimes they are. And sometimes I feel sad because of it. So this week I decided that I shall just let myself feel what I feel. I will stop trying to suffocate my emotion and force myself to feel constantly happy. I will forget the self inflicted frustration and find some acceptance.

I am angry that I can have such a healthy lifestyle and feel so unwell.
I am sad that I thought my dad isnt who I thought he was and likely wont ever be that person.
I am angry that he refuses to see the hurt he has caused.
I am frustrated that I am part of an endless waiting game to work here.
I am frustrated that I feel like I have commitments and have to be here when I want to escape.
I am sad that my girls were adopted and I had to let go so that I didnt feel my heart break every single day.
I am scared that my grandparents are getting old.
I am scared that I am so in love that I will get hurt.
I am frustrated that I can control so little.
I am overwhelmed because this is my mental/intellectual, emotional and physical well being that are all basically out of my control. And that makes me scared. And angry. And sad.

So as I sit in this house I am sitting, I have decided that I can actually just let myself feel without fearing it will affect others. It is just me and a dog I am allergic to. So I will cry and feel annoyed and want to throw things. But in the end I know I am entirely okay. And that its okay to have emotion and to feel it, regardless. And maybe acceptance is all I need to find that inner joy that seems to be hiding amidst a twisted version of Starry Nights.

When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.