I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.

Here I Am Again, Running Away From The Truth

I get so in my head. Its a world that catches me the way I wish my dream catcher would catch my dreams. It is the web that doesnt want to let go. Yet I cant seem to escape myself. But somehow I always know how to run.

I can sense trouble almost as well as I can sense when squirrels are afraid. And well, once those senses go all I know is to escape. It feels easier than being vulnerable or admitting things arent perfect. And it is of course exponentially easier than thinking or discussing my feelings. I havent been stagnant for this long ever it feels like. It has been 5 months and 5 days since I boarded the plane that took my life back to here. Nothing has went as planned. Everything feels like it is falling apart constantly. I am actually amazed I am not a train wreck. I mean there are significant glimmers of perfection that are the shining glue that keep me together but I am still often overwhelmed by reality.

Lately I have been observing a lot of love or lack of. I have watched engagements unfold, relationships blossom and old ones maintain their strength. I have seen collapse and I have seen sadness. And somehow I dont know how to relate my own life to it all. My insight into the worlds I dont reside often seems remarkable but my oblivion to my own life couldnt be worse. I cant help but wonder if I am running from a truth I dont want to admit.

Glimpses Inside the Chaos

I suppose this is a point that requires introspection. It makes me wonder why the tears flow. The looking within started in a parking lot last night. We were supposed to have milkshakes. Instead I just cried. As you held me it all came out. I am so scared. And I know I shouldnt be, but I am.

It was almost 6 years ago the first time a doctor told me I may never have kids. It was like a bullet to my heart. And the thought of that has haunted me since. Even with encouragement from others saying I would be fine I have always known it isnt that simple. I understand genetics and family history and that doesnt bode too well. So feeling so close to such suffering I cant help but be scared. In a couple of years this could be me. Bad things happen to everyone and I already have the complete background for loss. So I am really scared.

Like most females that grow up with faith centered around families I have always wanted to be a mother. I know nurturing and I cant imagine anything more appealing then raising a family. So perhaps this is why it all hits so close to home. It reminds me how fragile everything is. How the plan is so much bigger than me and my everyday struggles and that I have no idea what will happen next. I dont know if I will have my own children or raise other children. I dont know what it will be like to be married or to fight with my kids or to be so frustrated I cry in prayer. There is so much unknown and it terrifies me. And it makes me wonder if I am strong enough for it all.