Okay, Life's a fact. People Do Fall In Love. People Do Belong To Each Other.

No matter how in depth I write this I wont be able to begin to explain to anyone what is what like. My words are so inadequate for the moments and emotions and vast beauty. However, I will make an attempt because I have a most awful memory and if I dont do this quite soon no one may ever know, except for him.

Yesterday had been an average day. Work had been busy and the highlight had been a relatively decent workout including a call with a friend that had been away. I napped after work and decided to dress down as I was meeting Kristin to look at venues. You see Jeff and I had been talking about marriage. We knew we wanted to go for it. We had looked at rings and ultimately found a jeweller that would design one for me. But that decision had only been made days earlier and I knew it would be weeks. So I was nearly content starting arrangements and impatiently waiting for a proposal.

So there I was, driving around town with Kristin looking slightly more ghetto than my usual unmade self. We looked at a few places and talked about if he would ever pop the question. When we arrived at Ralph Klein Park I felt like it wasnt the vibe we wanted for such an event but the grounds were gorgeous so I was keen to wander. Kristin needed to call her husband whom she had been texting all evening so she sent me on my way.

I had noticed a message from my dear friend Zaina so pulled out my phone and was texting her about bubble baths as I wandered, obviously paying close attention to my surroundings.

Then I noticed Jeff on the walkway I was headed towards. I had asked him earlier in the day if he could meet up with Kristin and I because he had been super particular about venues when we talked the weekend before and I felt frustrated that I couldnt find one he liked. He had told me he had a typical work meeting but would try. So I yelled out "What are you doing here?" and felt quite pleased inside that he made it to the last stop of the night. I asked about his meeting as I walked closer and then noticed A TON of spiders on the railings. Due to my arachnophobia I walked in the exact middle of the walkway over the water in attempts to not die and made several comments about the creepy spiders. It wasnt until I turned the corner towards Jeff that I saw the rose petals and candles and then heard "I will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab. 

I was confused and I teared up. I knew but I had no idea. The next few minutes were beyond anything I could say or imagine. He hugged me and told me all the things any girl would give anything to hear. And next thing I knew he was down on one knee. I was crying as he asked and honestly was in complete shock. It all had just happened so perfect and the music was going and the scenery was amazing and there we were. I finally noticed the ring and he told me it was a temporary ring until mine was finished. In complete puzzlement and fear I asked if I had to give the ring back when mine came (as the one I now had on was gorgeous) he just laughed. I didnt. This ring is to become an heirloom he said, I commented that it meant we would have to have kids then. 

As we turned around I finally realized it was an acoustic guitarist playing Death Cab for me just up above on the deck overlooking our spot. And then I saw the photographer. Someone had just taken a zillion photos of me crying.. and looking ghetto...

So hand in hand we walked inside to meet up with Kristin as we had come to check the place out. Jeff said I could freshen up but it was just Kristina and I had nothing with me so I looked in a window and wiped away some mascara and walked in with tear filled eyes.

As we walked we talked about the potential of the building with the lights coming on as we went. Then I saw the room Kristin was in as she opened the door.. the tears poured. All of our families were there along with our grandparents and closest friends. Everyone knew. Even two of my closest friends knew. They all cheered and hugged us and I cried more and it was beyond a fairytale.(Note: I had talked to all of my family yesterday separately and been with both his sisters in the last two days and no one said a word!) 

The room was all done with antique flowers and teal table cloths, and non-alcoholic lovely drinks, and cupcakes and strawberry shortcake and the ceiling was covered in balloons. And on the string of each balloon was a reason why he loved me. It was literally everything I love all together. And it was romantic. I hope the pictures can describe this better. It was a room of me basically. Like someone created my feelings and put them into objects.

So we all talked and cried and smiled and everyone told us it was about time. It was a whirlwind and the romance and perfection of it was overwhelming. It was just us like I wanted but he had prepared for a complete celebration because he knew I would want to tell my family immediately. It was so well thought out and tailored to me and there was so much magic. The guitarist had learned Death Cab  just for us and he filled our evening with a variety of songs that just made me melt. There was food and photos and our families just meshed without my help at all and everything was perfect.

I was so nervous it wouldnt have the magic I imagined or that I would feel uncomfortable telling everyone because of the attention but the truth is, Jeff knows me better than I know myself most days and he knew how to make it the most perfect thing to ever happen. And really, I feel so blessed to be planning eternity with someone so perfect for me. 

So I guess I should add that I said yes. I am gonna be a wife. And I am probably gonna cry a lot then too because I didnt know real life could involve a love like this. 

Even Being Black Cant Save You From Everything

I quite dislike phone calls. I dont mind in the office. The phone rarely rings more than once there. I usually enjoy that patient interaction because most of the time they appreciate I am trying to help. I dont even mind calling several numbers for one solution at work. But that is my work life. In my personal life I feel my skin crawl when the phone rings or when I see I have a missed call. I understand why I feel this way but it does not change it.

Today was one of those days. In my world there are many children. Ones that arent so young anymore. The first would be 11 now. She was my world. That is how life is when you have foster siblings. You expect to come home to children you dont know. You love people before you know anything about them. But it does break my heart somedays. Today is one of those days too. I really only know 3 of 4 because the last is too new for my knowledge it seems. But those three babies could be my world. I love the way they smile and hug me and will decide my room is the room to watch movies in and play in even though I want to get ready in it. I love that they dont live with us but every single time they come over it is like they never left. But it makes every part of me ache knowing that they dont have everything. That they werent born into the life I was. That the care they get with me isnt the same as what they have on a regular basis. It isnt their fault. Today, for once, there was an intervention. My babies cant stay at home right now. And I dont have the means or my own home to take all four of them, or I would. I offered up my room so two of them could live with us. They may not. But it sure hurts to know that they might have to live with someone else, and that someone probably wont ever be able to love them the way we do.

I guess I get too attached. I cant help it. I dont know how to not love. I dont know how to let the children into my life and not forevermore think of them as part of the family. We have a large family these days, mum must have at least 50 kids now. No wonder she worries so much.

So I dont know if I will get to have even a couple of them live with me again or if that chapter is over. I am not sure if this will just be a few days or a few months. Sometimes it takes awhile for life to sort itself out. All I know is that today will  be a hard day for 4 children that I love very much.

Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

"I'm so glad that all our feelings are true, I can't believe that you're still acting the same like we first met."

"Dont you know that true love never dies?"

Some songs are soundtracks for moments. Other's just fill the dead space. And some feel like they are your life. I was a high schooler when I first became obsessed with Houston Calls. This song felt like my everything. I was also in high school when I met the love of my life. I just didnt know it.

I like to think I am relatively intelligent. That not a lot gets past me. But lately I am realizing I missed a lot. I missed eight years. I guess I just wasnt ready. I was too into myself. The worst part isnt even that everyone else saw it except for me, it is that I took that time for granted.

We have so many memories. Nine years worth. But I have only really given note to the last 6 months. Before you were just one of my best friends. We would never be in love. You would put up with me and my sarcastic ways. You understood I wanted nothing. I just wanted to exist. In all of that time I thought he might care but I convinced myself it wasnt real. That was just how our friendship worked. He would taunt me with fake proposals knowing it would embarrass me and embarrassed I was. We would go for dinners and movies and everything couples would do but we werent a couple. And most of the time we didnt live near each other.

But know I know. I know that he loved me long before I loved myself, and way before I knew I would love him forever. He treated me like a princess when I thought princesses werent real. He waited patiently while I had to make mistakes and learn for myself. And when I was ready he gave me the chance I didnt deserve.

A lot has happened since I was 16. A lot. But the one constant feels like you. And I think Houston Calls knew that. They knew how I would one day feel long before I did. True love doesnt die. And I couldnt be happier that you know me better than I know myself most of the time. I think forever finally opened up my eyes.

Are We Over Capacity Because Employees Sleep Here?

I understand rush hour. I have learned to be patient when it takes me 60-75 minutes for a 40 minutes commute to get home from work as everyone else is trying to do so and our road system is poor. However, this week is really wearing me down. Last week it was major road closures because of flooding. Ninety minutes to work on Friday, Fridays are typically 35-40 minutes and I leave early enough to avoid traffic. Monday it was only 15 minutes longer than normal. Tuesday and Wednesday, even with the roads back open, my quiet morning drives became 90 minutes. This morning a bridge started to collapse into the river, with 5 train cars on it, carrying 80,000 kg of flammable/explosive material each. This led to a radius being closed involving all roads going to the South. I live North of the city and work near the city's south limits. So 2 hours again, even with leaving at 6 am!

I dont think I can handle this. It is exhausting crawling along roads. Feeling tired and hungry because you left so early. Feeling anxious because you cant do a single thing. And then hearing every single time that the mayor (whom I dislike greatly) urges employers to ask staff to stay home and to provide a day off. My employer is the hospital, days off dont exist.

The hospital is over capacity because of the flooding. A whole town is still flooded and residents havent even seen their homes in a week. Some roads and railways are entirely destroyed. And yet we are expected to show up to work like nothing is happening. I just want a day off to do clean up. To try and make a difference. Instead I am looking for an empty hospital bed to claim because with the current commute I am much better off sleeping here than commuting for four hours a day.

This whole crisis hasnt outwardly affected my life but it is really wearing me out. Floods suck.

XXXXXXX

I understand why Scott thought those represented kisses under the phone number, Why would you assume it represented seven evil exes? You probably wouldnt.

An ex and I chatted the other night. I am one of those people that stays friends with exes until they are married. Then it is like they have died. Or become zombies, something to avoid. But as we chatted I had the fleeting thought that I may be done racking up exes. I mean there is no ring but I am mostly positively sure that I am with the love of my life and that means that I can stop the whole exing game.

So in commemoration I have decided to write about seven of my worst relationships. Now this isnt to say I dated awful people. This is to say we were awful together. And looking back I am retarded. But it also makes me laugh. I am such an idiot.So let the journey begin. In no order at all.

X. This boy and I had little in common besides our entire class schedule. So it made sense to study together. This lead to a month or two of constant being together and many dinners with his family and me losing a dozens bets on exams. We were dating and loving it except I wouldnt admit we were dating because he was too cocky and half the time I couldnt decide if we liked each other or if we just liked the convenience. Then one day after we had all our classes together he texted me that he still loved his ex. Fail. Mostly because we still had a month or two of classes together. Note, we are still friends and he is as arrogant as always. What a champ.

X. Junior year. I was nailing wanting to be a doctor and at a party to celebrate the new season of Scrubs I met a boy. We became friends and he wanted to date. Oddly enough he knew X above and one time I ditched him for X above and he got mad because he had told everyone we were dating, except for me. I was utterly lost. Over the next year or two we hung out and sorta dated but he never would say anything mean. I hated it! It was like every time we hung out I just wanted him to punch me in the face. I couldnt handle how incredibly nice and genuine he was. So it couldnt work. I spent all out time together trying to convince him to be mean. He has a wife now so he may be dead. I wouldnt even know.

X. Somehow post X listed first I met another boy. And we dated and he was so hot and cold. Seventy Eight percent of the time I didnt know if he liked me. He just constantly kept me hanging. Then I moved to Canada for a summer. We talked and were to date when I returned. I was smitten. Until I got back and realized he was hooking up with my best friends friend. Awkward for him when he met my best friend at the other girls apartment and the next day came to mine and saw her again. Needless to say I opted out, he dated the other girl. They broke up. He called me and we starting spending too much time together. Somehow I got out of this. I dont know how. But randomly he used to always call me to either try and get back together or to talk about how he missed the other girl, who I was now friends with... When I moved to Australia he told me he wanted to ask me to not go. He missed me. I dont know how, we never talked and he treated me like crap. Two months later he was engaged. Dead.

X. Interject aussie relationship. I was flooded and homeless. Two uni boys let me in. Fast forward six months and one of these men was my best friend. We spent every day together doing whatever. So eventually I was like uh we are kinda dating hey. So we dated. And fell in love. And he had no qualities I wanted. He preferred drinking to spending time with me. He didnt want marriage or kids, he wanted instant gratification. But after 8 months of every day together all I saw was that I couldnt live without him. I was so wrong. He didnt ever show interest in my interests. Religion meant nothing. And he never wanted anyone to know we were dating. Welcome to brutal breakup and arguing because I wasnt a moraless girl. Hello, I had the same standards from homeless day one. We were so incredible wrong for each other. I was lonely and an idiot. I wish I could go back and punch idiot lonely aussie Lauren.

X. Aussie ex again. This one is hilarious to me. I was working in a rural hospital with no entertainment. Enter hot Orthopaedic surgeon that came across as being arrogant and misinformed. We first met at a presentation you did. I thought you screwed up most of the orthopaedic tests and was dying as I knew them. Somehow two weeks later some bantering and usual friendly conversation had occurred and you started asking around about me. A week later we were dating. Intensely. Who cares that you were Muslim and I was Mormon? It worked. We were less flirty at the hospital to keep it kosher. But as I asked another surgeon a question one day and he made implications about you and I, I nearly died. Eventually I moved back to the city after celebrating your birthday. One week later you sent me a text saying it was too hard. Hello. Thanks for not trying. Idiot. I learned a lot about Islam though and learned that he wasnt trying to learn about my religion at all. All talk no walk. Try not to kill anyone on the table dear. 

X. Sophmore year. One of the  most disastrous years of my life. And somehow I met a boy. But I told him not to love me because I would just go back to Canada for the summer and I had a boy on a mission that I was fond of. He didnt listen. We fell in love. For 10 or 11 months we were the worst couple. We argued about every single thing you can imagine. And when we would argue in the car I would play a recorder as loud as possible. We were so in love and brought out the worst in each other. It was constant tearing apart and wanting to throw things. I dont even know why. I think because I was you. I didnt understand love or anything really. He was married not long after we broke up and never again did we speak. Although I did have his sister chop my hair once after that.

X. And the cake arrives. Prior to now this was the most real I think I ever had felt about someone. And it made no sense. When we dated he treated me like crap. When we didnt date he treated me almost like a princess. He would let me cry. He would ask the questions no one would ask. He knew everything that no one else would ever know. And I loved him. But he didnt ever want me to love him. And he wasnt sure he could love me the way I needed to be loved. He wanted to play the card of the douche that didnt care even when I knew otherwise. he couldnt be everything I wanted him to be. But I somehow loved him more than I knew possible. It has been two and a half years since I said goodbye to him and flew across the world and spent months wondering how we would end up together. And somehow with the time and distance and looking back we laugh about how he was such a tool to me. He is one of the most influential people in my life and I think we will never see each other again and it wont matter. We were everything the other person needed but we would be the worst together. We were the worst together. We are our best when we are completely not dating. He was an awful boyfriend. 

At this moment I so badly wish I could put these seven men in a room and hear their thoughts about our relationship. I picture it being a disaster. But one I wouldnt be able to take my eyes off of. My exes arent really evil. They just were so entirely wrong for me and I never saw it until after, way after. I dont even know how I managed to find someone that can look past all of this crazy and love me.

Flood You

Over the past 2 years, 5 months and 13 days I have formed some opinions in regards to flooding. Opinions I did not ever expect to have. It has been emotional the last few days. Not because I am stranded or alone this time but because I know the devastation and I know how so many people are about to feel as they are let back into their homes this week.

It seems amazing that a city usually covered in snow is now full of water. That our greatest event of the year is only days away and the grounds are flooded. We arent Calgary without a Stampede. We need this. We need to feel something normal and to remind ourselves that we are stronger than this.

I am so much more removed this time. I mean I have already had to re-enter life. As the first 25 suburbs were evacuated I was at work. When I realized the roads to my home were all cut off due to flooding I was still at work. And this morning as I wait for the big announcement on the Stampede I am at work. It seems surreal to be doing something so trivial when there are so many people who's homes have been destroyed.Yet I know that at this point there is so little I can do. The waters have to recede. The homes have to be inspected. The belongings collected. It is about to be a long hard road for a lot of people and my heart is breaking for them.

I am so over floods. Over their inconsideration. Over the looting that they inevitably cause. Over the anxiety and loss they leave in their murky waters. I would be most happy if I never saw a flood again. They are making me age much too quickly.

The Truman Lauren Show

I often wish  wonder if my life is a movie or television show.  Not because I think it is so drama filled and fascinating that citizens of all places would tune in, but because strange things always happen and when they happen I usually can imagine the song that would be used to accompany it.  Dramatic, I know. I just can't help the way I feel. I constantly am narrating my own life and adding in the music and usually finding it to be fascinating.

Like the other night, I nailed a Tide-to-go commercial. Imagine a pale pink dress with red wine spilled across the front and back. Out comes my Tide-to-go and next thing you know the dress is basically perfect. The wedding continues and I assume relatively few knew, minus the ones still in awe from my skill. Perfect commercial. Except it was my life.

And somehow there tends to be characters full of drama that I cant avoid, like the ones you see on the Bachelor and wonder how they can possibly be real people and how the Bachelor can even want to date them. These characters feel placed in my life to add hype and to obtain viewers. So clearly there is a high probability that me writing this blog is not useful as everyone is already watching my every move.

This must be how Truman felt. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I actually lived in Australia for two years or if those thoughts have been planted. Maybe I never left here. Maybe nothing is real.

But then again what is reality? 

Cause You Gave Me The Best Mixtape I Have

Warning. This may be sappy. Vomit now.

I dont even know who I am. There are moments when I feel so in love it freaks me out and I just want someone to punch me in the face.I was given a mix cd many years ago. I listened to it as I do and that was that. Somehow over the years it keeps coming back. For example, a year ago I woke up in a rural Australian town with a song stuck in my head. And by song I mean two lines. I had no idea how this happened or what it was but I was obsessed with it all day til I found out it was All At Once by Valencia. I then had to sort out how I knew it and why it was so familiarly vague. Eventually, I sorted out that it was from this mix cd from many years back.

Then it was wedding weekend and I found myself searching for this particular cd. Probably because it is labelled "Will You" and the first song is entitled Marry Me. So I spent the weekend with this album on repeat and I dont know if that did it, or if it was because of the wedding or if it was just me. But it feels like we were meant to be from the beginning I just couldn't see it. I wonder if you knew. I like to think we are together because of me. Because on the first day of this year I decided we were going to be and then proceeded to ask you out and text you while you were away til you realized it. So I like to think it was me that realized it but I dont think it was. It just took me awhile to see what you saw all along.

You gave me the best Mixtape I have, and even all the sad songs ain't so sad.

I am pretty sure we couldnt be more perfect for each other. You make me mental some days. And I need that. I cant handle everything being too perfect or sappy. I need the disagreeing about irrelevant things and the sarcasm. I am so in love I dont know what has happened to who I knew I was. I have become someone I never understood and for once I think it might be the right thing.

I Walked Down the Aisle

It didn't hit til the morning of. This was quite likely going to be the only time I would ever walk down an aisle. I realized I had better get it right. I was worried I would somehow lose both rings as I was responsible for both until moments before. Or that I would trip or do something embarrassing. Nothing like that happened and I am pretty sure I nailed the day. Okay, I know I did. But I cant help to be a little sad I wont be the one walking down the aisle with everyone smiling and crying and watching. But I regress.

The day was beautiful. Jenn was the most beautiful bride you could ever imagine. And it wasnt because of the makeup or dress. I have never seen her glow in that way before. She looked elated. The ceremony was short and simple full of love and a few laughs, I better remember to teach her the difference between right and left. And I assume the photos look great because the backdrop was stunning but I really dont know. I imagine there will be several with my hair flying everywhere as the wind was insane but those can be deleted forever I am sure.

All that really matters is that the day went off without any drama that I know of, and the two lovers are literally in the honeymoon phase being the happiest people on earth. They met at the pool they worked at so on our way to photos we stopped there and I took this. (There would be more photos but I focused on keeping the dress from dragging in the dirt and dissipating any potential problems so I took no photos except for this). So here it is. It is okay to drool a little or be obsessed with how pretty she is.

Congratulations JP, and thank you for choosing me to be  part of this day. I love you.

Quarters and Centuries

Occasionally occasions happen that should be recorded and those are the times I feel the least like writing. When I have nothing to say and no words to convey I can ramble incessantly. I have decided this is a most inconvenient form of writers block. Alas, I am going to punch this block until it breaks and most likely leave you with a most boring and unfulfilling story of my day of spoilings.

A day of birth celebration has never been important to me so I am unsure why I decided this year it was. And in reality, I only decided that my partner make it important. I didnt really care about what anyone else thought or how they wanted to celebrate, I just wanted my partner to take time off to show me that for one day I could be above work. You see he has a career that is highly demanding and in five months this was the only time I had asked for a moment of work time to be my time instead. So I didnt even feel bad.Being the smart man he is, he took two thirds of the day off. I would be scared of my wrath too, so it was the obvious decision.

But I regress to the evening prior. Said man had decided we would do a nice dinner to celebrate. So after work and renewing my drivers license that would expire the next day I stopped by the office. I wanted a house key so I could get ready at his place instead of having to drive the hour to mine and then come back to the city. Somehow this resulted in me receiving keys to a brand new truck and leaving my car. Best birthday gift ever. Okay I couldnt keep it. He was just letting me take his truck he got that day home so he could get the oil changed in my car. What a stud. So eventually he comes home with my car oiled, washed and fueled and with flowers in his arms. Nailed it. The evening progressed to a fancy meal and then not fancy watching of the OC. I am obsessed, due to my inability to retain things I only remember the arching story of it and each episode seems brand new even though I watched them all my sophmore year and used to dream about the OC every night.

Then it was my day. I awoke to presents and balloon bouquet with a note inside. The day brought crepes and boardgames and family and cake from Winnipeg and boccie ball and presents and 25 things my family loves about me. And for once, I felt so spoiled. Between the thoughtful note and the time and the food and the overly expensive and intuitive presents I literally felt like I was a princess. It may have been the best day ever. And like all good days should end, I fell asleep curled up next to my man while him and my sister and her little beau watched a movie. One day I might stay awake for a movie but probably not.

So even though I feel really old being a whole quarter of a century I am okay with it. Because I have never felt so loved and not alone and accepted as I do right now. I think this year may be the best year of my life so far. With fingers crossed. 

ps my lover spoiled me and I want everyone to know it.

The Closest I Got To The Postal Service Was The Post Office

One time I planned a trip to Utah revolving entirely around the 10 year anniversary tour of the Postal Service. This was monumental to me as they only made the one album and havent been touring in many moons. I bought the tickets along with a limited edition pressing on vinyl the moment they were released. I was ecstatic. So the time came. I drove the fifteen hours and began to reunite with my companions. Finally the time came to drive to the Saltair. As I was on my way I decided to check in on a loved one and in doing so received an email stating the concert was cancelled due to illness. Welcome to my life.

So The Postal Service totally bailed on me but it may have made me realize a little bit more what really matters. Instead I ended up at a Lamaze class playing the role of partner. As we talked about labour and its related topics I realized that I knew this stuff, well. I knew the massages and relaxation techniques and breathing and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I forget that I learned a lot in school as I have been stuck not using it for half a year. Class progressed and somehow it seemed more important to support a best friend than it did to hear a band. Something I wouldnt usually say or feel.

My trip wasnt full of the most monumental or touristy moments. It wasnt sleepless nights and endless partying. It was reconnecting with people that have shaped and changed my life. It was bonding with a little girl whos birth I missed. And it was a reminder that I am not alone.

I may have only been to the  Post Office which was traumatic enough but I dont feel as cheated as I expected. I feel fulfilled. My roadtrip was everything I needed to remind me of who I am.

There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.

Power To the People, We Dont Want It, We Want Pleasure

I have never proclaimed myself to be ahead of the times or the founder of independence. I never thought I was cooler or hipper than anyone else. I have never fit into any real stereotype. But I do have a lot of opinions and sometimes I do relate to the "indie" scene extremely well.

I only knew of people like Usher in high school because my best friend at the time loved him. I listened to The Used and Senses Fail a lot that year. Her boyfriend understood. And the next year I really got into music. I was always on Purevolume, a site I thought everyone spent all of their time on. That wasnt true. I had years of listening to Waking Ashland, Matchbook Romance, The Spill Canvas and The Format on repeat. And because of this one day I became friends with the lead singer of Waking Ashland. I felt famous. We had breakfast together. After shows he would ask about specific classes I was in because we knew each other. And he was my first introduction to Kickstarter. In case you arent as indie as me Kickstarter is a website where you fund projects. You ask for x amount of money and you have 30 days to reach that goal in pledges. For each pledge you offer rewards. So for my first experience it was something like paying $25 to get the cd and a shirt when it came out. It was like preordering but it allowed the artist to fund the album independently. I thought it was novel. I loved it. So when it happened for Veronica Mars to make a movie I was obsessed and then again for Zach Braff's movie which has reached its goal and still has days to tick away. I read all the critiques I come across on this. Haters be hating. I think Kickstarter is changing the way media is created. And I love it. I really do. I am elated that for a rather minimal fee I will have a limited vinyl, a shirt, 3 art prints, the script and more. I like being a part of something, or creating art. Of feeling like a community in something that takes the power back to the people.

I think we all could stand to be a little more independent. To forgo the images that media says we should be like. To forget what people expect. And to be ourselves a lot more. I have always been a bit this way and I know it can lead to disappointment and contention and frustration, but I also know it makes me a whole heck of a lot happier when I am living for myself and not giving up control to the world. Kickstart yourself.

Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year. In fact is is one week away. But this time next week I will not allow the pain to overcome, I will be in the Temple making covenants. So it may be today or it may be another day but I will allow myself to grieve and to remember because if I forget than I run the risk of making the mistakes that were made that hurt me. So I will not forget.

I am very forgetful though. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys, tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was three years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? I wish I had all of the answers. But what time has taught me is that I dont. Because I dont I have learned to rely on the Lord. It has pushed me to seek more, to have a desire to enter the Temple and make covenants because I truly know that through our Saviour I can be healed. That I can overcome this and forgive and let go of my pain and anger. So even when the pain feels razor sharp and the tears sting I know that I am not alone. I will not forget but I will learn to forgive.

Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round The last fight was fixed from the start.

I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.

Here I Am Again, Running Away From The Truth

I get so in my head. Its a world that catches me the way I wish my dream catcher would catch my dreams. It is the web that doesnt want to let go. Yet I cant seem to escape myself. But somehow I always know how to run.

I can sense trouble almost as well as I can sense when squirrels are afraid. And well, once those senses go all I know is to escape. It feels easier than being vulnerable or admitting things arent perfect. And it is of course exponentially easier than thinking or discussing my feelings. I havent been stagnant for this long ever it feels like. It has been 5 months and 5 days since I boarded the plane that took my life back to here. Nothing has went as planned. Everything feels like it is falling apart constantly. I am actually amazed I am not a train wreck. I mean there are significant glimmers of perfection that are the shining glue that keep me together but I am still often overwhelmed by reality.

Lately I have been observing a lot of love or lack of. I have watched engagements unfold, relationships blossom and old ones maintain their strength. I have seen collapse and I have seen sadness. And somehow I dont know how to relate my own life to it all. My insight into the worlds I dont reside often seems remarkable but my oblivion to my own life couldnt be worse. I cant help but wonder if I am running from a truth I dont want to admit.

To Write This Down As Means To Reconcile

We write to apologize. 

We ask to look past life as it goes by.

I know you have sacrificed time, life, love, time to fly. 

Please consider all things right, 

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down. 

Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.

To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up, 

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love. 

Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one whose glory never ends. 

And based on that we'll see, 

There'll be room for change, but gradually. 

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Mae explained it better than I could. 

I wanted to write something eloquent about today but I dont have those words within me. I dont think I am even writing to reconcile. I am almost writing out of obligation. I sent a birthday email. I used your name. I didnt sign it with love. I am not there yet. Having this broken is hard to fix. I dont believe we live in a world where you can have everything without sacrifice. I believe you have to work and that real relationships arent formed out of obligation. I do think I have forgiven. I just have also watched the embers burn the bridges. I have just chosen to walk away from the burning. To not let the anxiety and pain be overwhelming. So I will continue to write about all the feelings found but this is just where I am at for now. I am doing the best that I can.

I'm Just a Dog-Earred Page You Turn Back To

As we sat at the table and questions flowed so much poured through my mind. The questions were easy, I knew the answers. Only one was a stumbling block and they just moved on from it and didnt ask questions as would be proper when realizing the taboo subject of a non present parent comes up. Yet my mind was somewhere else completely. I couldnt help but think of how many other family things I had been to with you. In nearly a decade there have been a fair few. And I wondered if I was the only one that realized that. That was thinking of how long I have been around and how I continually appeared but in a non-existent role. I wondered if they knew this time it was real. I wasnt just that girl next door that actually lived ages away. That I was the one that would be at every family event for forever now. I suppose I still dont know my place. I get nervous I will say the wrong thing or not fit in in the world I so desperately want to be a part of.  So when it was like a dogs ears perking up when I realized what song was being thrown back to me as I drove last night I wondered if this was me. Was I just that person you turn back to because I have always been a marked page or am I really the only one that will matter forever now?

It didnt help when I dreamt about marriage after that. I have never been that girl to fantasize about a wedding or getting married. I knew one day it would happen but that was that. There was no other real thought process. But last night instead of dreaming of being murdered I dream that we had decided to get married and to just go for it spur of the moment and I awoke realizing I have changed more than I ever would care to admit. It feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance right now.

All I Need is a Whole Lotta You

A Rocket To The Moon broke up today. You probably dont know them. And I am not saying that because I think I only listen to music no one knows. I am saying it because I just havent ever met anyone that knew them. I am not even sure how I know them. But I actually was quite fond of them. Particularily their EP "That Old Feeling". So maybe if you are feeling a little bit like you are country emo pop punk you should listen to this.

Music feels like it is my life. Not enough of it. I obsess over music. I think in lyrics. I wish I could make other people understand how I feel but just being able to relate a song, but most of the time that doesnt work. But that is why I love music. Because it expresses what I cant. It holds memories long forgotten and it brings a joy and peace that I find hard to replace.

So I cant help but be a little cut that they are no longer. Because this one song makes me smile, it makes me want that someone and want someone to feel that way about me. It makes me want to put back on my cowboy boots and sit in the sun. It makes me want so much. And music that can make you want things is powerful.

I Can't Break If I Don't Bend

I hate this keyboard. Why am I working in an office with a ghetto keyboard that sounds like monkeys jumping on a bed with each keystroke? I dont even know. I wish I could make all of the rules in my department. I wouldnt allow them to hire slackers and I would actually enforce a dress code and I would make my employees show up for a least an honest amount of time. This isnt even what this post is supposed to be about. But as I typed the title I realize how awful this keyboard is and it brought me onto my work rant. End rant.

Most of my posts are inspired by lyrics. If you are bored this is a song worth listening to that has in fact inspired this. I am inflexible. Not in the physical way. Physically I can do the splits which apparently makes me flexible. So it is in the reality way. I do not like having to bend if I am the only one doing so. Compromise has to occur in more than one party of I become insanely stubborn. And I mean insanely. To the point where I argue things I dont care about just because I want equality and am tired of bending. I am completely aware that I am crazy.

This morning I am feeling this oncoming stubbornness. I feel like I am so willing to change all of my plans and not to put myself first  but I a may be quite alone in this. And if it keeps appearing so I will refuse to bend. I will become frustratingly inflexible because I feel like I may  be sitting on a back burner.

The world is spinning way too fast in reckless abandonment. 

I Make Plans To Watch Them Burn

I had a plan. I would come home, get healthy and go right back. I was going to stay til I could work here. The plan was well thought. Appearing to be flawless. I was wrong. I never imagined I would come back and immediately be in love, ready for a future. A future that felt cemented in my home world.

At first I was so frustrated. A relationship wasnt in the plan. I wanted to go back to Brissy. To my world of independence. I didnt come back for love. I didnt come back to grow up. So here I was. Feeling trapped at my own doing. The frustration building as nothing was going my way. So I started looking for jobs. I realized that it likely wouldnt be overly hard to leave. There were jobs abroad. I am qualified. So I mentioned it. I told my lover there were options. I expected annoyance or excuses. I received the support I didnt deserve. And then I realized I no longer had to go back. All I wanted was to feel like I was in charge. Like my decisions were my own. As thought I was free. And you allowing me that option and saying you would wait was more than I deserved.

You have been out of town since I have thought clearly enough to realize this. But when you get back I will tell you. I cant leave you to back for two months. I would rather have a life here with you than to try and create and fulfill selfish dreams there. I had a life there. And I will go back. But right now it is time for my life with you.

Maybe God really does laugh when I make plans.

And Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Dying Breath

I am dramatic sometimes. Last night wasnt one of those times. I just couldnt breathe all the time. I decided I was a 7. If I hit an 8 we were calling 911 for oxygen if I hit a 6 we wouldnt worry. It was a very long night. But ambulance free and by 9 am this morning I feel more normal.

Sometimes I forget what its like. It just happens so suddenly. It really doesnt actually. It starts out small and then after a week or two the asthma wins and the airways lose. The downer is the steroids they put me on havent started working yet but they also make it hard to sleep and make me super irritable and emotional. Why is breathing so important?

However, it did force me to take a sick day which I never do and is likely good for me. So I may not leave my bed except for necessity today. I just want to be able to take a deep breath without coughing. To just be able to fill my lungs but I know that is a few days away. I am that typical prairie born girl with the asthma and the allergies. It isnt new. It is so typical. So why does it still scare me? I think I need to be braver.

Regardless, I think I am back to my regularly scheduled ambulance free life. For now.

Religion on a Monday?

I expect things to happen. I dont trust people because I know that people always leave. Only sometimes do they come back. I know that so much is out of my control. So my mind gets spinning and I forget about what I can control. I get so focused on obligations and waiting games that I just let myself get overwhelmed and I cease to function as me. I dont know how this starts. Or even when. My mind is perpetually going. I just get lost in it. My thoughts become me. And then nothing becomes useful or productive.

So I am trying to change. Like usual. As if I havent said that a million times. But maybe I just am always reminding myself to try harder. I just want to be better. To be someone that other people can look up. To make a difference. To love myself. So I am trying harder. And I think the biggest part of this for me is religion.

I know I dont often write about my beliefs and it isnt because its a big secret cult. I am not into white supremacy  It is just because its sacred. What I believe is everything to me. But because of that I should want to share it more. So it is probably just the usual fear sort of thing. No one likes sharing something special and having dodgeballs thrown at it. But I think today I feel brave.

I am getting ready to take a bigger step in my life. No, there is not a ring involved. I am getting ready to go through the temple and in my church thats a something you prepare for your whole life. We sing songs as children about someday going to the temple. And like other churches, the temple is a sacred place. So in my preparation I am trying to draw closer to the Lord. To trust him more and believe in a plan. To not let my faith falter so much as I struggle to learn from my trials. I am becoming better because I am coming closer to our Saviour. I am recognizing that there is so much more than me but to see that I have to be able to accept who I am and to want to become the best I can be.

So I have been listening and reading more from what we call General Conference, is this thing that happens twice a year where we get to hear from the Prophet and the Apostles, if you havent heard of it you should check it out. Its pretty cool. But mostly it is inspiring. It gives me strength. And reminds me that I am not alone.

I want to be someone that means something. I want to make a difference, and I think I am finally realizing that will happen by becoming more Christlike. By getting a bit further out of my head and becoming a little more aware and tolerant of everything else.

The Not Monumental Kind of Achievements

I am not getting married. Or having a baby. Or buying a dog. Or going somewhere crazy. I am just living. And sometimes I think I forget that is enough.

Lately the world around me seems so overwhelmed with life events. I look around and I see others lives changing in those large monumental ways. And I question so much. I wonder why things in my life arent being monumentous. But I think they are, just in the Lauren way.

Let me explain. For me making friends and new situations are a struggle. I am awkward and shy and reserved and I get self conscious far too easily. So after one attempt at being friendly at my workplace gym went awry I reminded myself that I didnt need friends there. And then the world reminded me I was wrong. It wasnt my doing at all. Maybe I smiled once or something but she introduced herself and a week later we have all of our workouts sorted into who plans them and what we are doing. It is amazing. Not just because she destroys me with her exercises but because I feel like I have branched out. And it isnt one of those things where we are hello friends. We are real friends. The kind that bring chocolates when the other has a breakup. The ones that talk about love and life and kids.

So maybe there isnt a ring on my finger. And maybe I am not having a baby. Or starting a new career. Or travelling. Or doing anything that seems huge. But I am super stoked about my little accomplishment of leaving my own space and letting someone in.  Gold star for me.

Fragility

You dont know what you have til its gone.

At least that is was people tell me. I am the kind of girl that wants what I cant have. All the time. If you tell me I cant have something and I think its stupid before that, I will then think it is awesome. I just get antsy. I cant handle things being the same. I like progression and change, as much as I hate change I like it more than stagnant waters.

Lately I have just realized how we dont have guarantees. People leave. People die. We change and our lives move on and we never know how long we have something or someone. And I just want to start being more aware of that. Being more grateful for what I have today because I never know when things might change again.

Its been twenty nine months since I was last in Utah, a place I called home for four long years. And I often wonder why I didnt treasure it more, why I didnt see everything and everyone when I could. So I am going back. I am going to try and see all of those people that shaped my life there. To sit in Juice n Java and remember what life was like there. To remember who I was. I just dont want to keep taking advantage of things, I want to appreciate them.

I suppose loss has triggered this. I look around and its so easy to see people hurting. To realize how quickly it all changes and to recognize that I have so much that I will miss if I lose it. I am a really lucky girl. I dont always see it, especially when it comes to the everyday struggles like finances and careers and coordinating my life, but I am. I cant imagine what I would do without my mother, and my grandma and my lover. There is so much I take for granted.

So I have been trying to appreciate these things, mostly the people I have. I dont want to wait til something is gone before I realize how much it means. I want to change, to be better than that.

Grown Up Heroes

As a child I remember looking up to adults and thinking of them as heroes. They could do so many things I couldnt! And then as I got older I looked to those with more vintage still, I recognized that with age came quite a lot of wisdom. But once again this thinking seems to have changed. At some point I seemed to not have become aware of the fact that my heroes were my peers. They are the grown ups that are still basically grasshoppers but the way they lead their lives is so much more.

I want to start with JD. JD is not her real name. I wish it was. She has been someone I have looked up to for many years now. I first met her awkwardly in our apartment, I was unpacking and we said hello from down the hall. It was awful. And now I respect and admire her more than anything. JD has always been strong. She used to be crazy but I think at 19 we all were. We had boys to write letters to and everything changed our world. And then we grew up. She got married. She had a girl that was taken from her and yet her faith and strength never wavered. She was the last person to see me before I moved across the world. And she was the person I cried with while watching scrubs when my world fell apart. JD is inspiring. It doesnt matter what trial she is faced with she always turns to the Lord. She knows how to laugh and cry and has a heart bigger than the grinches post growth. I want to be like JD when I grow up.

I cant stop there though.

I knew Jojo was someone I respected when I first met her. I didnt really know her but she was going off to get married one weekend and I told her if she came back all weird then it was over, I wouldnt talk to her anymore. This would have been an issue as we were coworkers. But I had seen it happen too many times and was tired of having married friends that were basically zombies. So I set the rule. She came back as weird as she was when she left, and I have loved her ever since. She is the one I look to for love advice. Her and her husband have been what reminds me that people are meant to be together. That love happens. But that isnt all, she is selfless. She loves me when I dont know how to love myself and makes me laugh when I want to cry. Jojo is almost a mother of two now but I feel like it should be three as I dont know what to do without her even though she is barely older than me.

I could go on but not for today. In less than 40 days I get to see these two beautiful women. They are all grown up now and I still feel like a child even though our ages span nothing different in the big picture. They are the women that put their families and the Lord first and themselves second. They love unconditionally and remind me that I can I be better.

Sometimes we grow up and realize that the strongest people we know are really just our best friends. I couldnt be more blessed.

Glimpses Inside the Chaos

I suppose this is a point that requires introspection. It makes me wonder why the tears flow. The looking within started in a parking lot last night. We were supposed to have milkshakes. Instead I just cried. As you held me it all came out. I am so scared. And I know I shouldnt be, but I am.

It was almost 6 years ago the first time a doctor told me I may never have kids. It was like a bullet to my heart. And the thought of that has haunted me since. Even with encouragement from others saying I would be fine I have always known it isnt that simple. I understand genetics and family history and that doesnt bode too well. So feeling so close to such suffering I cant help but be scared. In a couple of years this could be me. Bad things happen to everyone and I already have the complete background for loss. So I am really scared.

Like most females that grow up with faith centered around families I have always wanted to be a mother. I know nurturing and I cant imagine anything more appealing then raising a family. So perhaps this is why it all hits so close to home. It reminds me how fragile everything is. How the plan is so much bigger than me and my everyday struggles and that I have no idea what will happen next. I dont know if I will have my own children or raise other children. I dont know what it will be like to be married or to fight with my kids or to be so frustrated I cry in prayer. There is so much unknown and it terrifies me. And it makes me wonder if I am strong enough for it all.

When Sorrow Hits A Close Home

I dont think it happens often in life when we feel so much sorrow for someone we wonder how they are surviving. But it has been fourteen hours and I cannot stop the tears still. My heart is broken for you. There are few people in my life that I have loved and laughed with like you and I cannot even come to imagine your pain.

I understand there is a plan. That somehow before we were on earth you chose this, you chose that beautiful girl. And yet I cant not feel sad for you. I cant not worry about you. And it all makes me feel so selfish. I get so stressed about things that are so irrelevant and then something like this happens and I am reminded.

It doesnt compare at all. The closest loss I have had was a baby sister. Paige. She was almost 9 months when she was taken back to heaven and oh did I cry. She was beautiful. And I miss her so much. So I can only start to understand how you feel and that just makes the tears pour. It is probably good that I see so few people at work, I am a wreck.

In 6 weeks I get to see you. And I will take you to a concert and love you and try and be strong for you. But you are the strongest person. And you have a man that will be strong for you too. So for now, for today when it hurts and for all of the other days when it will hurt I hope you know that I love you. That I have looked up to you since you used to lay on my floor reading texts crazily as I stared in confusion, and since you tried to make me like High School Musical. I hope you know that you are never alone and that the Lord will provide you with comfort and that it will get better. You have changed so many lives already and I know you are going to continue to do so and that this experience will somehow make you even stronger. You are blessed and it doesnt make sense to me now but I know she needed you and you needed her. I love you. You are never alone.

All It Takes Are Walls and Paint

Some moments change everything. It is like everything stops except for you. And you can look around only to realize that this is the beginning. That you can see so much ahead . And maybe a little bit you wonder if anyone else saw it, but mostly you are amazed.

We stood there on the separate same stairways with tins of paint and brushes. It was time to choose a colour. So we created our swatches and looked back. And as I looked from the  brown wall to the green wall, both smattered with our three options I knew this was one of those moments. This felt like the beginning of so much.

Underwater Bride

It hasnt been the perception that was the problem per say. I suppose you could argue it either way. And maybe I am only relating because of the background music but the truth is the music usually knows me better than I do. Things havent felt the way they should. Its like they should but dont. Like a bride that feels as real as can be but only exists in the reflection of rippling water. Everything may appear perfect on the surface but there is everything you cant see beyond it.

I have been so frustrated lately. Mostly frustrated at myself for not feeling happier. For not getting over things and just accepting things. For not being able to control everything. And finally last night I decided that it is okay to be sad and angry about things sometimes. I try so hard to just let everything be okay. To just convince myself that the things I hate are not that bad. But sometimes they are. And sometimes I feel sad because of it. So this week I decided that I shall just let myself feel what I feel. I will stop trying to suffocate my emotion and force myself to feel constantly happy. I will forget the self inflicted frustration and find some acceptance.

I am angry that I can have such a healthy lifestyle and feel so unwell.
I am sad that I thought my dad isnt who I thought he was and likely wont ever be that person.
I am angry that he refuses to see the hurt he has caused.
I am frustrated that I am part of an endless waiting game to work here.
I am frustrated that I feel like I have commitments and have to be here when I want to escape.
I am sad that my girls were adopted and I had to let go so that I didnt feel my heart break every single day.
I am scared that my grandparents are getting old.
I am scared that I am so in love that I will get hurt.
I am frustrated that I can control so little.
I am overwhelmed because this is my mental/intellectual, emotional and physical well being that are all basically out of my control. And that makes me scared. And angry. And sad.

So as I sit in this house I am sitting, I have decided that I can actually just let myself feel without fearing it will affect others. It is just me and a dog I am allergic to. So I will cry and feel annoyed and want to throw things. But in the end I know I am entirely okay. And that its okay to have emotion and to feel it, regardless. And maybe acceptance is all I need to find that inner joy that seems to be hiding amidst a twisted version of Starry Nights.

The Force Of The Mountains

It was like we were overcome by a full moon. But we werent. So maybe it was the mountains acting upon us. I have to think it was something because it was such a bizarre twenty and four hours. I want to say it was normal until it was decided we would walk to Tim Hortons for hot chocolate. This walk down the block ended up being closer to ninety minutes. This involved getting lost, having Kate try and take a shopping cart for me to push her in as she didnt want to walk, not having white hot chocolate, walking through a drive thru for hamburgers, having an old crazy smoker lady give us advice on how to ride an inanimate bear we wanted photos with, and a fair few awkward photos. It didnt end once the walk did though. We ventured to the hot tub where another member had their bottoms on inside out so fixed them in the water, then as night fell my little Buttfalo  similar to a buffalo, tried to suffocate me several times as I wanted to sleep.  I want to say things became normal once I woke up being hit in the face by a sleepful sister who denies such. But maybe it was still weird when I bought my newest onesie, it has a backdoor that says "Emergency Exit Eh".

I am so Canadian.

The Greatest Escape

I crave the silence. The aloneness. Sometimes being lonely is super awesome. But then in the same moment I hate the silence. I crave music. I require it. It is like breath to me. I am constantly obsessed with a song. I cannot get enough of the escape that it is. The second I have headphones in it is as if the world doesnt exist. As if I can do anything.

As frustrated and stressed as I have felt lately I am not sure if I have felt any greater release than while shutting out the world and allowing the notes to fill me. I believe music mends broken hearts but that it also mends my other scrapes. I wouldnt say I am obsessed but I might be actually.

I think it took a song and some moments for me to remember that all it takes for me to forget about the world I am wanting to hold up is the right music. Not what you play in the car when I am dying for you to switch it. But the soothing, calming sense that comes from beloveds. I think I need to spend more time with my headphones.

When Emo Rains, It Emo Pours

I have felt so much anger and resentment and loneliness lately.  And I cant explain why. I dream of moving back. My instincts say to leave. To run. It is what I do. When I cant cope or feel there is nothing left I get up and create a new life. I could be a physio if I left. I could do what I do. See my friends. Be on my own. Be back to the beauty of that country. I came back for answers. Answers I thought were here. But I think I was wrong. I shouldnt say I want to leave. I have a really great partner. But for some reason I am feeling resistant. I am feeling anxious and angry. The insecurities rise. I know I cant blame everything on the divorce and the lies and the confusion. But this is feeling like it could be blamed. I thought I was ready for marriage for a life. But maybe I am not. Maybe I cant be with anyone because I cant sustain happiness within. I thought everything was okay but it doesnt feel like it. I dont know the catalyst. I cant explain what changed. All I know is that within I have felt that sense of frustration and sorrow that I so desperately try and escape. The pain that comes from feeling like I am suffocating and drowning at the same time. I just want to get out and breathe. But I dont know how.

I cant just leave right now. I have the wedding in elevenish weeks which means the bridal shower and bacherlorette I have worked to plan plus the day. I cant abandon you for that. I promised to help you and being best friends requires me to stop being selfish, to put your day first. I have easter plans next weekend and appointments the week after. I cant leave before the middle of June. So how do I cope? How do I accept the fact that I may be stuck for another thirty weeks?

I am wasting my skills and talents by working in a job that I did when I was 17. I help no one. I just follow boring task after boring task because I have loans and cannot afford to not work. I didnt go to school for this long to be doing what I could do without graduating high school. I didnt play hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education for this. And because of this I dont know how to not be bitter.

Perhaps I feel angry at you because you are keeping me here. If I didnt love you it would be so much easier to leave. But then I think that you have your own life, a life you are building so independently. I rationalize that you wouldnt be that affected if I left. I do it out of anger. I know you would. I just cant handle the thought of being trapped here where the city is screaming that I have no future.

I just want to run away. Again. All I know is how to run.

So as I sit here with tears I cant explain I realized that as much as I feel like I have been through enough I am wrong. I have so much more growing to do. I need to understand myself better before I can expect someone else to for eternity. So maybe it is time I learn to stay. I cant always run.

Warning: May Contain Explicit Content

The last two days were days I would rather not repeat. I used to think I was tough. Apparently I am not. They were awful. I would go back to the beginning but I dont know where it is. So I will just skip to yesterday.

The day before today was the blessed day were I had the great chance to have both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Some how having something shoved down my throat and then up my butt is not my idea of fun. But to make it even better I was able to take 4L of laxatives the day before/morning of. It was awful. But I kept telling myself that at least the procedure would be painless as that is was all of my predecesors told me. They lied. I know I was partially drugged but I have the extremely vivid memory of intense pain and me crying through the pain during it. It was awful. And to make matters worse they said everything was normal! I know, I should be happy. But my inability to feel well doesnt make that my response. I have had regular nausea for a year and a half and with that I have a new sense of motion sickness that makes long car rides and elevator rides a disaster. So them saying they found nothing after torturing me was not my idea of a good day.

Today is the day after. I feel less miserable than the day before but the random cramping and the sore throat along with the papers saying I am fine only frustrate me. I would like a new set of organs. Ones that fail less.

I recognize this is complete whinging. That I could have it so much worse. I am quite lucky and I know that. But I also think that with technology these days it shouldnt be so hard to find out why I feel so sick so often. There has to be an explanation for the nausea and stomach pains. I just wish I could find someone that knew that explanation. And preferably without the pain of yesterday.

On a happy note on the way there my grandparents were driving me and my grandpa played the most awful song. He claimed it was "music to have a colonoscopy to". It was dreadful. Like the colonoscopy. He might have been right.

I am off clear fluids though which makes me a much pleasanter person than I was when I was being starved though so that feels like a good step forwards after feeling like I took a zillion steps back. Maybe I will just go to mind over matter and just ignore it if I feel nauseous. It may work.

One Thing I've Learned, You'll Always Get Hurt, But You Never Give Up

The roller coaster that is me often has those moments where you wonder if it will make it up that hill. When it is chugging along so painfully slowly as the incline only increases but you still know that once it overcomes that upward battle it results in an instant plummet. Yet you live for those moments. I go on roller coasters for the excitement and fear that comes with falling. I crave that anticipation and thrill. So I cant fault life for giving me exactly what I yearn for. As I sat listening to the obvious Motion City  as I studied the lyrics rang more true than  usual. So often I feel such frustration and anger that comes with hurt and wonder why I bother. But they understand. You never give up. Being hurt is part of life. I cant keep living in anticipation of getting hurt. Of worrying that I care too much and wishing I didnt love so whole heartedly. That is me. And I can only guarantee that it will lead to me being hurt again and again but for once I am realizing that I am not going to let it decide that I should give up. I am going to just accept that it happens and try and learn a little more and worry a little less. Instead I should enjoy the thrills of the ride instead of hating myself for the anticipation I cause. I really wish I was on a real roller coaster right now.

UnDéjà Vu

It is a strange feeling. Like déjà vu but somehow different. Perhaps because it is the same situation but feels so much like something new. This week has been confusing. It isnt like anything has really happened and maybe thats why. The snow is blowing steadily as it has for the last eight hours and somehow I can feel the changes that the wind is bringing. Another week and a few days and I am at a new hospital. And then taking my online course and helping you set up a home hopefully. I will be having appointments I have waited so extremely long for and then next thing you know will be a bridal shower and bachelorette I mostly planned. So much is about to happen and I feel like I am on the cusp of my whole life changing. But somehow this week has been so painfully slow and confusing and lonely but not in the way where I have alone time to myself like I want. The kind of lonely where you are never alone on the outside but somehow on the inside you feel it. I want to say it is related to you being gone the way you were when I realized I wanted to be with you. But the only similarity is the city you are in. Nothing has changed with us. We are still us. It is just me. I feel overwhelmed with helplessness and am unsure how to progress. I know I have been here before, so many times. And yet everytime I battle to figure out what to do. Where to go next. How to move on. To create a future that is screaming in my face that it has its own timeline. This has all happened before but I cant figure out the next step. So the only logical thing to do is paint my nails, finish my book and bake tonight. If I cant force the future I can at least try and create sanity.

Stagnant Waters

It feels like the whole world is changing around me and yet my world, the small realm of me, is staying so exactly the same. And it is so painfully frustrating. I constantly feel surrounded by complaints of the exact things I wish I had. Here I am living the life I lived when I was 17. I could walk these halls with my eyes shut. I can book clinics and answer the phone in my sleep. I could be dead and still be able to make charts. It is a suffocating feeling especially when I realize that this is my best option at the moment. There isnt anything else I can find that pays as well as this mediocre wage without my certification being approved. I just want my life back. I never realized how much I was sacrificing by coming home. If I knew I might not have been able to do it. It was hard enough as it was. I just miss it so much that it literally hurts. I miss my freedom. Reading on the train. And Southbank. I loved that place. And my friends. Skyping and texts just dont cut it. And I could be doing what I love if I had stayed, I could be a physio making a difference instead of making charts.  I had such a great life there. And I so badly want to say I dont mind having given it all up because I knew I wouldnt find real love there. But my insecurity is blinding. I cant help but wonder if you love me. And if things dont end up working out I know I will feel angry that I gave up so much to come back to a place that had so little. I just want to feel like my life is going somewhere beyond watching everyone else's lives progress.I just want a small glimmer of something to appear to remind me that this will be worth it. The murkiness of the stagnant waters I am in is only clouding everything more. I just want to get out to open waters full of ebbs and flows.

Feeling A Little Peyton-esque.

I am so struggling emotionally today. I dont know if it is related to the constant migraine I have now had for three weeks, or the mass amounts of snow, or that it is Monday, or if it is because I received another emotionally shunting email or if its because you are buying a home. I really dont know because it could be so much. But either way, its a struggle today.

I think if I introspect honestly I might be able to piece it together. It seems like you are actually building a future.  A business. A home. A life. And I just am scared that the truth could be that I am not part of that. I mean I really might be but then I am scared I am not. Because today when I got another email I was just reminded yet again that if my own father didnt choose a future with me in it then how can I expect any other man to. You must think I am crazy. I cried while we were on the phone but I think I managed to hide it because I dont want you thinking I cant handle this. I can. I just cant help but be insecure because deep down I am not sure if anyone can really stay. I feel exactly like Peyton, it feels like people always leave so how can I believe this is different?

I am really beyond ready for this Monday to be over because it just has been too much. I just am ready for Tuesday so I can give you gifts and torture you with Birthday Celebrations.

Gangsters and Blizzards

Enter. A little black man appearing to be 7 years of age wearing a Lakers flatbrim snap-back along with a diamond stud.

I dont know how you are supposed to react when you see that your previous foster brother who is now three years of age looks like a gangster. Thug life forever.

I couldnt believe how tall him and his sister are. I remember holding them as babies, they have been around our home a lot over the past five years, and now they are huge. She is up to my chest now at 5 years of age, I mean I am pretty average in size but having a 5 year old more than half my height.. it's a little disheartening.

And that was only the beginning. The storm began the next day and being snowed in seemed logical. The tang came out and snowcones were made from the ever drifting snow. Only to be followed by a 645 true wake up of pushing a car out of the gridlock of snow.

I forgot so much when I left. Not once did my snow dreams involve shoveling over and over again or pushing cars or being blinded by the whipping snow while running for a door. Nor they did involve my little babies turning into thugs. Life really has a way of reminding me what is real. And reality is that even blizzards dont mean actual days off in this land. And this land is my land. *chestpound* Peace.

Maybe Fairytales Do Exist

I watched the movies. I knew what love looked like. Disney showed me. I knew that princesses found princes and sometimes not princesses did. I knew that there was wooing and romance and magic. That it was a true fairytale. And then I grew up and realized that life wasnt like a movie. Unless you count the Truman Show. My life is the Truman Show. Trust me.

So many days ago happened. It was a day I seldom give any thought. Besides that Purdys has chocolate hearts. They are delicious. So I knew it was coming and this time it was different. We had talked about it before we were even officially us. And I had suggested going for milkshakes at a drive-in. I am really classy. He suggested what we did.

So it arrived. I wore a new little black dress and tried to appear nicer than my usual scruffy self, but lets get it straight, I didnt go as far as brushing my hair, that would have been way overdoing it. So we left work early and began our drive to the mountains. Something about going into the mountains is just magical. They exude beauty and a sense of escape. And as we neared the gorgeous Fairmont Hotel I realized it was a dream. The hotel is like a castle and possibly grander than anything else I know because its close enough to home that it is real but at the same time it is remarkable and like a fairytale. Maybe it added to it that he had bought me a box of Purdys chocolates and we were in an escalade. I know it sounds lame but it was just so over the top yet real.

We spend the afternoon at the spa, a spa with 3 pools containing waterfalls of different temperatures, a pool of mineral water and a hot tub outside overlooking the mountains. This was interrupted only by a massage and then the hot tubbing continued. It just wasnt like the real world, or my life. It was classy and fancy. It was literally something out of the movies. We had our own robes and were treated like royalty.

We finished up and went to a lovely steak house with another couple and by the time we were ready to head back to the city I was exhausted. I just curled up in the car and he let me sleep as we drove through the mountains home. And eventually we were outside the house. I gave him his TMNT cufflinks and was handed a bag that nearly made me cry. It was Tiffanys. I didnt even want to open it. And in that moment I knew that I would never find anyone that could know me better or make me happier.

I think maybe all of the hype about love in movies might be real. I hated it all before because I didnt understand it and I had never felt it this way before. But now I think I may have just landed in my own fairtytale and it is making me so girly and insecure and happy that I cant even explain it. I may be the luckiest girl alive.

You Brought Me Roses and Left The Thorns

When I first started writing in this context I had a very dear friend who was separated by two hands from me which is probably why we became so close. He had years of wisdom and life and we connected. As time progressed I wondered if I could ever find anyone more suited for me. He had everything I had ever looked for except for one thing. And everyone has to compromise. No one gets what their ideal. So I wondered if I should compromise. I mean our difference was religion. Nothing major right?

I soon learned that I wasn't sure I could compromise on that. I wasn't sure I could have everything but I thought that maybe I needed to not be feeling like I was arguing about my beliefs for the rest of forever. So I resigned myself to letting go and assuming I would have to dwindle my list of wants in a man.

I began to just date whoever. One thing in common is all that you need right? I dont think I even know what a real relationship was. I just knew that when I thought I met people that were right they werent so I stopped trying to meet people like that.

And then in one moment I realized that I didnt have to compromise at all. That I could have everything I wanted. That I did. I want to say I knew before this moment but I think that would be lying. I had known I liked you, obviously as at this point we were dating but I just hadnt thought about it. I didnt think oh hey you have someone that has everything you could have ever wrote on your checklist. It just was there. We were just something. And then you showed up with a dozen roses with thorns. The day was supposed to be about your family, about a wedding. And yet you showed up with roses because you knew the girls had just left hours before. You knew I was struggling. I didnt have to say anything. You just knew I needed something and you wanted me to feel cared about. And in that moment when I saw you at the door with roses I knew. I have everything I could have ever wanted. I never wanted roses without thorns, they feel too fake, they arent the whole thing. I just wanted something real and someone real to be with. And now I have a dozen dried roses that I may just keep forever.

It Has Been A Week

One week. I havent heard a word. I kept so busy. And now I am sitting here on my bed letting it sink it. I havent seen my girls in a whole week. I havent heard their voices. I havent held them. I havent gotten to tell them I love them to the moon and back. They are gone. And I cant not replay our last moments together.

The tears started the moment we stepped in the car. I couldn't stop them. And I wanted to be supportive and I tried but all I felt was my heart breaking. I sat at the table and stared into space. You played and had no idea. We gave you giant kinder eggs and had one last goodbye. The tears poured. I told you both that I would love you forever. And we left.

I hate how much it hurts. I hate letting go. But I wouldn't give up my time with them if I knew how much it would hurt in the end. They were more than foster sisters. They were my sisters. And I will love them forever.

It still hurts. It still feels like they were just taken. I still want to cry. My chest tightens. I bought a pillow that says "Love you to the moon and back" to remind me of them. It is hard not to be reminded of them. I find pictures they drew everywhere. I keep the fox Soph drew for me in my wallet. She knew that I wanted a pet fox so randomly drew me one one night. They were so thoughtful and loving. They were such a part of our lives. I forgot what a void appears when you lose something or someone so important. I feel a little lost. I have no one to take me to the beauty salon with selective hours and do my hair and makeup. I have no one to watch little bear and the Bernstein bears with. I havent read a kids book all week. I havent stood outside the school talking to the other mothers about random things. I just feel a little lost. I just dont think much compares to that kind of love. Going to work doesnt come close to filling that void. Work is a job. Loving the girls was my life. I miss them so much and just pray that they know that I will still love them every single day for the rest of forever.