Rememberies

Yesterday was full of picture perfect moments walking through my life. I began boxing up my childhood as I went through my desk and toybox in my old room. There was so much. There were school projects, and notes, and letters, and cards and toys. And it was beautiful. I loved flipping through my photo box and all of the secret notes I had been passed over the years. Those are the things I just cant get rid of.

Then we went to Grandmas house. They live just down the country road from where I grew up. Since Dustin was with us we drove up our old driveway. As we got close meg and I just began pouring out memories of biking down that road and learning to skate and tobogganing and camping and hiding in the trees. As we got up the long winding driveway we realized that our home had been torn down and another one built in its place. It was more majestic and grand. Yet it seemed so wrong. I loved that little baby blue barn. It was a home, as homes should be.

Then we went to grandmas and were wandering the property as grandpa had made a one hole golf course. It was funny. But mostly as we walked around I remembered climbing the trees in the backyard, and learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels, and looking for treats on an Easter hunt.

Yes, yesterday was full of remembering memories. My childhood was beautiful. I hope one day I can give my future children a life full of rememberies.

Because I think everyone should own a real pair of cowboy boots..

Today I realized how stressed I have been. Things have been falling apart just as fast as they have been falling into place. And its hard. And I have been coping so poorly. I am sorry I have been tired and frustrated and short and impatient. Its just so much and so overwhelming and I let it take over.

But then tonight in a few moments I remember how it felt to be purely happy. I realized I have been so caught up in being sad or in masking sadness that I forgot to just let myself have moments where nothing else matters except the beauty of the moment.

We chatted on fb. I hate fb chat so much. But you were on and well I have not seen you in 5 years. So I had to say hello. I hope you stay in Utah an extra few days so I can see you in July and in August. I would love that. I missed you, but I didnt realize it until you came back into my life.

The beautiful surface doesnt always reflect the core of it all.

Amidst the plaid shirts and cowboy boots I found myself meeting someone new the other night. Someone I had seen before but never had a chance to actually become acquainted with. As we got talking about life and our future plans he said something and I found myself dwelling on it as I awoke this morning. He commented on things are just going so great for me, and how exciting my life is. I mean upon meeting he found out I had just graduated with my bachelors degree, am becoming a yoga instructor over the next few weeks and am moving to Australia for grad school for the next two years. Yes, it all sounds so brilliant. It made me smile on the outside as he remarked, and yet inside I was thinking of how sad and broken I have been lately. If only he knew.

So instead of allowing myself to appear broken and always let those rolling alligator tears control my adventuring I am setting them aside. They have a place and thats where they need to stay.

Life is so beautiful and I am in between the most adventurous and insane times of my life. I am about to move literally across the world to somewhere where I dont know a single person. It will be amazing. So yes, that gorgeous boy was right, life is so exciting for me right now.

PostSecret

I was recently introduced to Postsecret, as I picked it up off a coffee table in your living room. Little did I know it would be addicting and fascinating. I will admit it. I like knowing peoples secrets. It makes me feel a connection and reminds me that we all have secrets. We all have things we wish we could scream from the top of a building downtown but for some reason or another we cant. Yes, I love being apart of someones secrets, I really do. As such I find that myself thinking about my secrets dozens of times a day.

Today I realized my postsecret secret. It made me cry.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself what matters most

As I was driving home today, after a most lovely afternoon, I was realized how genuinely happy I was at that moment. I will be straightforward about this, as I tend to be. After spending time with someone there are various responses I tend to have or notice people having:

1. You are genuinely happy
2. You are glad you did it but dont plan on it again anytime soon
3. You fulfilled an obligation and are now moving on
4. You are frustrated with the time lost
5. You just feel kinda crappy

Its those people that make you genuinely happy that you need to hold as close as possible. And then I get thinking, well if someone can make me so incredibly happy regardless of whatever else may be happening then arent they someone worth fighting for? Arent they the type of person you aspire to be? In fact, they are the type of person that you would do anything to have them in your life forever.

And it has happened again. I am once again reminded why some people matter so much to me. The people that continually enrich my life and make me want to do everything possible to be a better person matter the most to me. So as I sit here replaying conversations and outings over and over again in my mind I think of how much you have changed my life. Thank you. I hope that one day I can do even a small part to enrich yours.

Also I picked up a book on a couch today that was incredible. I must purchase it. "One: How many people does it take to make a difference? - Kobi Yamada"

I would like to make a difference in the world. Daily.

Yes, today was a beautiful day full of realizing how I can be a better person and being filled with the desire to enrich someones life the way I have had mine enriched.

And once again I find Scrubs expressing my life..

"Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind."

I think I am often like JD. Sometimes I do get exactly what I think I want but I find myself sometimes looking back and missing what I had or wondering what it would be like if I still had it. I am not the best at living in the moment, unfortunately. But I am trying.

I mean here I am, back in Calgary and finally done my undergrad. And I honestly miss being in Provo. I miss my house, and my life being around school, I miss how chill things can be there and the freedom associated with my life there. I thought I just wanted to come back and I dont think thats what I really wanted. Although, I am lucky, I am staying here, it was just a few weeks sort of thing. What I really want is grad school and that looks like its on the up and up. So hopefully once I get there I dont find myself wishing I was back on this side of the world.

As I read JD's quote today, it seemed to remind me of relationships and all of those times I have thought how much I wish I was still with someone, usually a relationship long past. I always remind myself the reasons why that didnt work out but its those days when you wish you werent alone that you find yourself longing something you know was wrong. I am sure this happens to other people and not just me, but its kinda frustrating hey. I guess you just have to look at it as a reminder of what you are really looking for in a relationship, look for the good and bad and make note of what worked and what caused issues. There is always room for improvement next time.

So those days when you see me pining for something long gone or something I chose to let go, just punch me and remind me to love where I am and the choices I have made. Because living in yesterday wont get me to the freaking rad future I have in mind.

"You are the Best"

The other week I was having a discussion about languages of love with my mother and brother. My mum was telling me how their are 5 forms:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5.Physical Touch

As we talked about it I realized my brother is the type of person that likes words of Affirmation. He thrives on praise- something I had never noticed before. My little sister is the age where she is transitioning so I would say she still is affection with touch but also quality time and words of affirmation. Kaity (yes I know you will read this and be like holla) would be the first to tell you I am definately not a physical touch person. I really like Acts of service. When someone does even the smallest thing for me I get super psyched about it. Like when my roommate Lana made me a birthday cake, or when I was sent flowers for my birthday, or when Keith brought me chocolate from Berlin or Jojo gave me a cell when mine broke. I am just blown away when these things are done for me. That is for sure my language of love. I also love giving service. Although when I know the language that someone else prefers I definitely try to cater to that.

However, for the last year I have tried to get Jerry to tell me I am the best. I am not even entirely sure how this happened. It someone came up that I feel like when someone calls you the best it is basically the ultimate compliment. So he would often say things like "lauren you are the best... at choosing books." He would always finish it with something instead of just saying I was the best. For some reason this drove me crazy. Until yesterday. Yesterday he admitted that I am the best.

So I suppose we all like different aspects of each Language of Love. We generally have one we prefer but there are definately times when they all seem to be needed or wanted.

"Lauren, your legs look so cute, and shiny"

I have a little sister that says the best things ever. So I would like to devote this post to her and the incredible things she has said in the last few weeks.

"Is that legal?"

"Pants on the ground.. pants on the ground.. pants on the ground" (she sang it during dinner, out of no where)

After listening to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance "Kate love love loves basketball. Mum I love love love you."

"Put a shirt on! You gonna scar me for life!"

During dinner she got up and started tapping our heads "duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, goose, goose goose goose ...haha you cant get my tail!" (I dont think she really know how to play duck duck goose...)

Last nights dinner takes the cake for the best meal with her. It began with her singing "I'm a B" then she would say "mwahahahaha now you will never find it!" and each time she put food in her mouth it was chomping noises. haha the best part was that Jerry had joined us for dinner.. that poor boy.

Yes, she is the best.

Because I love Canada So.

Happy Birthday Canada. I love you.

Perhaps America Day is lovely too, but Canada Day is just one of those days I always look forward to. Parade in the morning, then lunch, then a rodeo- with mini donuts! And its just perfect.
I love it. Of course I love anyday where I get to attend a rodeo, there is just something magestic about it. I will be the first to admit that Cowboys are the most manly men there are, I cant help but adore them. And then there is just the atmosphere, everything is just chill. Plus I get mini donuts.

I love Canada.

Super Suck on That!

Hey Jeff, as promised I am blogging about it. yes I kicked your butt at Sorry! And it super sucked for you. Oh and dont try and say that you beat me so bad the second time, you didnt. You mildly beat me. So super suck on that.

ps I only took perhaps half of the blame so I think you should take the other half.. just saying.

Applying for Scholarships is like bra shopping..

As I sat on my laptop in the living room looking at yet another scholarship I felt like was impossible to get I yelled "hey mum, looking for scholarships is like bra shopping, its frusterating and makes me go ughjmsadfjkbhghhhh". She gave me one of those looks like 'Lauren did you really just say that?' and laughed. She remarked on how bad it must be since she knows my hatred for bra shopping.

So today I just have to laugh. Two weeks ago I would have told you that you were an idiot if you said I would spend my time at home obsessing over scholarships and loans and lines of credit. Yet here I am.

Life is funny. Especially my life. The most ridiculous things always seem to happen.

Another example. I get home from work and find Big Bird in my bed. I ask my little sister and she laughs and crawls in my bed and tells me she is having a nap. Last time I checked she had now left big bird, a baby, a blanket and a stroller strewn across my bed. You think these things dont happen til you have children.. but thats life. And I am pretty sure if I didnt laugh at all those stupid little things I would get so stressed I would break down. So tonight I am just laughing at how ridiculous my life is.

As the Walls Come Crashing Down

Do you ever feel like you are builidng your life, like a building. Each accomplishment is another carefully laid piece in your masterpiece. And then something happens and you realize your building is a glass house. Its like you have been working on this carefully hidden masterpiece for so long that you forgot it was not hidden. Its as if someone has unveiled it. And there you are, scared and feeling so small amidst these accomplishments, with your life just on display in your little glass building.

I think that is the best way to describe how I feel. But then add it feels like the walls are falling down. Its all so overwhelming and frightening, yet beautiful. As you stop and see your accomplishments all piecing together and seeing that they actually mean something and you are doing something.

I have been back in Calgary for just over a week and I will be the first to say its a gong show, and sometimes its just really hard. Dont get me wrong, I love it. Calgary is of course my home. I love the familiarity of the hospital, like my first morning back when I ran into Mo, he delivers packages and he stopped and asked how school was. There is just so much about that place that screams comfort, as it should after 6 years. And then there have already been the days out with friends which have been lovely.

Then opposite to it all I have felt so vulnerable lately. I feel like my life is on display. Like people are just sitting there watching and waiting, expecting me to do something miraculous. But with the word 'conditional' still in play its not like I can rejoice about grad school, yet. So its hard. I know people have always expected me to do something big with my life, but that stresses me out sometimes. I will do something, and it will make me happy but I wish there werent so many people watching and counting on it. I dont like the spotlight much. In fact, I hate feeling on display. Plus at the instability of life here and the emotional damage following each of us like a shadow, and well, as you can guess the vulnerability is just exposed.

So as I sit here on my bed thinking about how I feel weighed down from five weeks of trying to put up walls someone else knocked down, I realize I am down. I am ready to let the walls fall and rebuild. I was already on the path of making my own life, and grad school, if it goes through this week etc etc, well that is just another way that I have been building those walls on my own. So world, if you must stop and watch, please realize as each wall comes down and breaks on me I am just going to get up and build something more beautiful. C'est la vie.

"You will find that man that is looking for someone just your size and height"

When someone has faith in you when you have none in yourself it inspires change.

The other day I was at work, nearing my last day of work. And this kind old faculty member was chatting with me, as he was prone to do when he came to swim. He would always tell me to go see a Doctor about my problem with being up so early, since I was at work at 6. I would laugh. This time I told him not to worry as it was my last early morning there. He asked about my future. As I started telling him I felt like it was so indefinate, so scattered. It was like word vomit coming out, all of these sort of things I thought might be rad but no plans. Come September I would be entirely lost.

After he swam he came and found me in the office studying, he wanted to say goodbye. As we were doing our farewells he said some things that wont soon be forgotten. He wished me luck and then asked what I was going to do when I was in Australia and a handsome Mormon boy looking for someone just my height and size came around. I laughed and shook it off saying I had no idea about Australia or anything but I wasnt too worried about that boy. He told me that it would work out and I was going to Australia.

This man barely knew me. We just spoke and laughed as he would swim some mornings when I was there, and I didnt work mornings consitently. And yet he had faith in me that I had lost. He knew I was going to do something with my life. He knew I was not going to be a little lost sad puppy wandering in September. I wish I had that faith in myself more often.

So I am trying. I am graduated! (I got a view of my Ochem grade on blackboard- and I passed! Holla!) I am going to do something rad this fall. And I will keep my blog posted on it. So as unsure as I am of my life now that I have graduated, I am sure I will do something epic and beautiful. And I have renewed faith in myself. I just finished 4 years at a hard University far away from home. I learned to live on my own and I built friendships that will never end. Yes, I have faith in myself again. I can, and will, make a life for myself now, outside of BYU.

love.

Music Mends Broken Hearts.

I used to be rather on top of the music scene. As high school was coming to its last two years I really focused on music. I would never be on the computer unless I was listening to Purevolume. I was almost obsessed with it. Freshman year of University I found myself in a city that had killer shows, all the time. I went to as many as possible. Waking Ashland, Straylight Run, Cute is what we aim for, hellogoodbye, cartel, new found glory.. and so it goes on.

But then I got more focused and I still loved music but it just was not a priority anymore. (Dont worry, this story has a happy ending)

As school was finishing up and I was finding myself stressed and lost I realized how much I miss music. I miss knowing random tiny underground bands. I miss having lyrics describe how I feel at basically all times. I miss having songs stuck in my head. And I do wish I had the shirt that says "I listen to bands you've never heard of". haha. So I have resolved to bring back that joy. Oh and part of this resolution came when I realized that Rufio was once again making music and has an album coming out in July. Hurray.

So I am back to purevolume and absolutepunk. I am back to looking up concerts, in fact - my graduation party will be at Kilby Court. Waking Ashland is doing a reunion show that night so since I would not miss that for anything I am bring my whole family there haha. It is my grad so I get to choose these things. Epic timing.

Perhaps my posts will start including lyrics or songs that haunt me more. Perhaps my blog will not be changed. All I know is that music changes everything. It sets the mood and creates ambiance. It helps people get through things, like pain, and stress and even those epically stellar moments.

So in honour of my love for music here are a few favourites for certain times. Enjoi.

Emo Days- And then I turned Seven (now called Jamestown Story)
Running- Fall Out Boy
Pre Snowboarding- Tegan and Sara
To create those happy moments- Motion City Soundtrack, White Tie Affair
For stress relief- Waking Ashland, We Shot the Moon, Regina Spektor
To fall asleep to- Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional
When you wish you were in love, or perhaps are in love- Ingrid Michaelson, Ben Folds
When I need to laugh- Jesse McCartney and Jay Sean (note this works best if Soph is in the room)
For roadtrips- Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and Taylor Swift (if Jenn is there)
Ultimate Breakup Song- Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley

Music has gotten me through some of the worst days ever and I think that should be noted. I love my cds, and that they are alphabetized, and that I have to own a cd if I like the artist, yes I physically have to have the cd.

Let me thank absolute punk for their moto as it inspired todays blog post. So thank you.

Close Your Eyes and Count to Three

When you want something to go away or your are scared you close your eyes and count to three and then you go for it. You become brave and you step up.

So I am sitting here and closing my eyes and counting and hoping I can be brave. I have two more days to give it my all and hopefully it goes well and I graduate. I have two days to make my mark at BYU. And then I have to pave a future. I have spent the last 22 years following a path that basically seemed laid out for me. Going to University out of high school seemed natural. But nothing seems so apparently natural after university. I mean I want to get into grad school but thats still up in the air. And I want to teach Yoga but do I work somewhere or start a studio? Thats in the air too. So here I am. So close and so confused.

But its exciting! I can do anything I want. and trust me, I will. I plan on doing something epic. So as terrified as I am of the future I am basically stoked at the same time. So cross your fingers the next two days/two exams go well.

Love Kills More Brain Cells Than Crystal Meth

Thank you Veronica Mars for that lovely quote. Today I finished the last episode of Veronica Mars. It seems tragic not only because I love that show but because I fall asleep to it almost every night. I have a lot of trouble sleeping lately and it would tend to soothe me to sleep. So now to searching for a new sleep aid, which is no big deal as its finals time. I mean pure exhaustion should be what puts me to sleep the next few nights. So that issue will lay to rest for another day.

Just taking a quick moment to think on the title of todays thoughts. It is so true. Love makes you do the dumbest things. Just thinking about the stupid things I have said or done or thought would work because of love makes me laugh. So perhaps we can all find amusement in the stupidity that love brings, but not in a cynical way. Love is so beautiful and needs to be acknowledged as such. It just tends to kill common sense on its way to beauty, thats all.

Relationships are like Pokemon

It was about a whole decade ago that I had the greatest desire for a Gameboy. So I remember saving up and getting money for my birthday and when it rolled around my lovely Grandmother took me to buy a teal Gameboy Colour, and Pokemon blue. I was so pysched. I seriously loved playing Pokemon.

Then last year came and I found myself bored walking to and from school and between classes, so I began playing Pokemon as I walked. I will admit it, I was just as psyched to play as I had been years ago. I am super close to finishing the game actually, I just havent played in a few months. Perhaps after finals I will beat the League.

So heres the thing. I realized as I was writing a letter that relationships are just like Pokemon. While playing Pokemon you run into different Pokemon in so many places, the grass, buildings, caves, forests etc. And if you want to catch them you have to fight them, sometimes you overpower them, sometimes they get away, and sometimes you just dont want them. There are times you catch one and start training them and you find out they were not all you hoped for so you put them into storage and search for a different Pokemon. Then there are other times when you realize that they are your favourite and you train them so so so much and you love them.

It correlates so strongly in my mind. I find myself meeting people in so many different places, and you never know what will happen. There are times when I choose that its not someone I want to pursue and I walk away from it. Then there are times when I find myself so intrigued but the feelings are not mutual. And sometimes I think I have found what I am looking for and then I realize it wasnt what I expected or perhaps what I truly wanted, so I put it away and look for someone else. But sometimes you get lucky. You meet someone so special and it turns out that they feel the same way and they become a favourite, someone you grow to love and treasure.

So even though relationships are so ridiculously hard sometimes I at least find the ridiculousness to be understandable as I sit here and think of how I make sense of it all through Pokemon. Maybe video games are more beneficial than society gives them credit.

Reasons Why I need a Unicorn Named Justin

Sometimes you just need someone to talk things over with. When those big decisions hit you need that place of comfort and familiarity so you can make that big decision. As most life lessons, I can relate this to Scrubs. I need a unicorn like JD. He has Justin and sits on Justin for all major decisions. Why dont I have a unicorn? I do not know.

But as unicornless as I am I still have all of those big decisions. And I cant say I dont have my own Justins. Running provides such beauty and clarity, as does Yoga. But most often I can see the answers in my own writing. As I email Soph about the novel of my life each week or as I write Vicki another letter about life and my future I see the answers pouring out in front of me. Perhaps my letters to them provide little more than amusment or the feeling of me being there, but I know for me they bring the clarity that those 2 girls would give me if they were here. Sometimes its like I forget that I know whats best for me. Its so easy to remind someone else of their beauty and talents and yet so hard to see our own.

I should learn to take my own advice more.

I still would like a unicorn to name though and to sit on as I ponder the life decisions that are being thrown in my face. I am about to join the real world. The world outside of being at BYU. The world where I need a job and its up to me to be happy and to make all those decisions that make me happy. So here I am thinking of all of these life shaping decisons and I am unicornless. Why dont they make Toms with unicorns on them? I dont know. I was just thinking I would really adore them.

So theres the thing. I have running and yoga and writing to help me find the answers that JD sits on his unicorn for. Perhaps I am not as unicornless as I think. love.

I Wrote This Letter in My Head, Cuz so Many Things were Let Unsaid.

two posts in one day. Do not expect this often. They were just unrelated so instead of making some long neverending post I chose to write two. Plus this one is really one that needs to stand alone as its a little more indepth and meaningful to me.

I have a tendency to write. I like lists and notes and letters. I just like writing. Which is a huge reason why I blog. But I frequently find myself feeling compelled to write. Sometimes it leads to Vicki getting insanely long letters, or Soph getting emails that seem to neverend. But more often than not, it leads to me writing all those things I wish I could say to someone. Its those things I think and cant get out of my head. I write these letters in my head and somedays they just come out. Perhaps once I will send one.

I got thinking about it though today because yesterday I recieved a note that I felt like I had just been imagining. I wrote it from you to me in my head so many times because I wanted it to be real. And there it was. Scribbled on the back of an envelope from someone else. And for once the letters I wrote over and over and finally had one to send to you seemed to mean something.

I think there are two people that I find myself often writing to or about lately but I just dont send things. Its because you mean the world and I am too afraid to ruin that fragile balance we have. The scales are set so perfectly in our world of friendship and endless support. So because I like the stability and familiarity I may never get to sending you all the letters I write, or to saying all the things I think. But you will always know I care. I can guarantee that.

So I write these letters in my head, of all the things I leave unsaid.

Multiples of 11. Because today is not an Unbirthday.

Today is one of those days. Its not like the other 364 Unbirthdays I find myself having each year. And for the first time I am not home. I am still away at school. I pictured today being like most days, except a little greyer and drearier. I know, it paints a pathetic picture, however, I did have my emo music loving days in high school and I still know how to create those forlorn ideas.

I imagined being so alone. Spending the day in classes and work and doing homework. Except it would be worse than most days because it is supposed to be a special day. I set myself up for the letdown I so readily anticipated.

And then it came and was so beautiful! The beauty began with a bouquet of bright yellow flowers and a note wishing me a " Happy Birthday Sunshine". I felt so loved and well happy. These flowers definately evoke joy. And then I check that mailbox.. that one I religiously check each day just wishing there was something there. And it was different. There was 4, yes 4, envelopes for me! I was so psyched!

As I opened the most fitting present from Megs (along with a gorgeous card) this morning it began to hit. I was so far from being alone. Today was going to be a glorious day. I opened a handmade card from Jenn, reminding me of a present back home. A card full of missing me from Kaity- along with drawings Ajulo did. And then there is Spit, he chose out a little boys birthday card - and I couldnt have loved it more! I opened Mums card early and it was Dr Seuss. So it obviously fit perfectly.

And then there were those people that were too far away. Like little Soph. Cairo is so far.. but she wouldnt forget about me! I got the most killer email this morning. I think if all I had received today was that email- well it would have still been a perfect day. She has a way of making me feel so loved. And Sanchez. Oh Vicki, I am ready for you to come home. But since she is still a missionary I really didnt even think she would remember my day of birth. Who am I kidding. She sent the sickest letter. So yay.

Kaity and I are doing dinner etc this evening and well basically you can see today is so special. I likely have the most loving family and friends. So thanks. Thats all. I thought today would just be dreary and it feels like the sun is just living over my face today.
love.

Hurray for multiples of 11.

ps happy belated michael.

It's all in the Name.

Do you ever name inanimate objects? I definately do. When I own something and it becomes important to me or has sentimental value etc it often finds itself named. For example, my ipod- spartacus, my camera- layla, my snowboard- rory, longboard- brodan. You see, I name things. And the name indicates something. Spartacus makes me think of That thing you Do, which correlates to music, hence my Ipod. When I bought my lovely Nikon SLR I was a huge fan of Flyleaf and Layla is a name in my favourtie Flyleaf song. And so goes the naming game.

Here I am. Two years to the day from when I was in the hospital having a procedure to eliminate the pain I was in. Two years ago I couldn't imagine how incredible pain free my life would be, and how much that would change everything. My perspective changed, my countenance changed, I grew up, I recognized benefits of trial and error and technology and patience. Two years ago things changed. And as I tend to name things, I have 'Molly' to thank for these great two years. Molly because it makes me think of something so sweet and innocent and caring, something that does everything it can to make your life better.

Unrelated Sidenote.
Most of my friends say the best two years of their life was a mission,
I think the last 2 years have been my best as I have learned and grown the most.

2:18:52

2 Hours. 18 Minutes. 52 Seconds.

What can you do in that amount of time? More importantly, what do you choose to do?

I chose to run a half marathon. Holla! I found out my time today and I was pretty much psyched. It may be enough motivation to have me do another, I am still too sore to run, mostly my knee just aches. No big. But I am pretty sure I want to do another. Aim for like 2 hours.

But here is the thing. What am I really doing with my life? I can't even begin to tell you the amount of time I have wasted. Two hours here watching Veronica Mars, two hours there facebook stalking, two hours just doing nothing of importance. But don't get me wrong. There is another side to it. There have been countless 2 hour times when I was talking to a friend, or studying, or working, or volunteering. I just feel like I should more consciously be trying to make each 2:18:52 count.

So I resolve, just to myself you know, to make it count. I want to be able to look back and laugh and smile thinking of what I did for those 2:18:52, like I do when I think of monday.
love.

13.1

What does 2 different numbers and a period really mean?

Today, for me, it meant facing the biggest challenge I have put myself through. I chose to do this. I ran my first half marathon. I was not prepared. It seemed so doable. Like I didnt really need to be all completely prepared for it. I felt like I had it down. And then I got there. I heard how hard it was, and that it was not for beginners. It hit. I had no idea what I was in for. I was not ready at all. But it was too late. I had to go through with it.

Mile 4. I thought I was about to die. I started way too fast and it was a LOT of up hills. I broke down mentally. I felt like I coudnt run further, my lungs hurt, I was tired. It was just too hard. There was no way I could do another 9 miles. I just wanted to leave. But then I knew it was up to me. I had to change my perspective. I had to embark on the mental game of convincing myself to continue.

I dont even really know what happened. I just knew this was something I wanted to accomplish and that quitting was not an option. It was so hard. But by mile 6 I was game. I was ready to nail the last 7 miles and to prove to myself that I could handle a half marathon.

Its not like the next 7 miles were easy. It was grueling. The hills just kept coming. My knee ached. My lungs hurt. But everything had changed mentally. I knew I would do the next 7 miles and I would be proud of myself. So I did.

And when I finally saw the end, and all of the people cheering I was so psyched! They were there supporting me. And I did it. I ran my first half marathon. And I am so much stronger because of it.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves through really hard things. Today I chose to put myself through 13.1 miles. And everytime we accomplish or overcome hard things, well we just grow. You have to choose to stand up or else the waves of life will continually beat you down. Today I feel like I stood tall. And I am ever so proud of myself.

maybe one day I will do it again. 13.1

Purpose, Fulfillment and being Effectual

Oh life.

This week was possibly the most horrid week I have had in ages. Actually, for sure it was. Looking back I cannot say it was the worst week of my entire life as I learned so many beautiful things. So here are eight of them, because 8 is my favourite number.

1. I learned that I have grown up.

2. I can cope with hard situations in healthy ways.

3. I can run really far sometimes and it makes me happy.

4. There are a LOT of people that care about me and will do anything for me.

5. I am determined to fulfill my dreams and that gives me hope and motivation.

6. That no matter what, I am never alone.

7. That sometimes a replacement family is enough for the moment.

8. That I love bakeries and farmers markets and feeling like I am part of a city and contributing to the people making a living right here.

9. (I had one more) That I am beautiful. Regardless of how I feel sometimes.

PURPOSE

I have a purpose here. Sometimes I forget that. Sunday night I had the best phone call ever. And a dear dear friend reminded me of my purpose in some situations. He reminded me about my role in the family, and that I am graduating and that I will do a lot of great things.

yes, my life has so much purpose. And I am PSYCHED about it! yay! I am going to do great things one day. Monday it will be running a half marathon, in 3 weeks it will be graduating, and soon it will be having a real job. Purpose makes me motivated.

FULFILLMENT

Sometimes I just need reminders that I am fulfilling something. Currently I am working on fulfilling dreams. And finding fulfillment in my daily occurances. For instance, this week I noticed how I felt after running, and when I took time to just sit and talk with a friend or enjoy the fresh air of outside, and it left me filled. I think I want to try and find one thing everyday that makes me a better person. That would be fulfilling.

EFFECTUAL-NESS

As I stopped by Its Yoga again this week I thought of how stoked I am to be a yoga instructor, it will be incredible. The thought of it makes me feel like I am progressing towards a place where I will be able to teach other people to recognize their mind-body connection and the peace and rejuvenation of yoga. Also, as I was speaking french with a friend the other day I thought of how great it would be to be in France and taking in the culture, I think I want to make my French effectual.

Life is so hard.

And yet here I am, and I am happy.

Sometime I feel the pain and aching of situations but underneath it all there is always some reason for me to be happy, even amidst tears.

At this moment I feel so hopeful for my future.

If you could control everything you would be God.

Sometimes all you can say is that you are sad.

That it hurts.

That you just wish you could change it.

That you want to go back to yesterday.

But you cant.

This is life.

And it hurts.

And sometimes you cant change things.

Not everything is in your control.

All you can do is pray.

Turn to your loved ones.

There is no shame in asking for help.

And then let yourself be sad for awhile.

And then you move on.

And you grow stronger.

And you learn.

And one day, when its you making those hard decisions, you will remember this day.

And how much it hurt.

And you will do everything you can to never cause anyone to feel this way.

Today I am just sad.

But I am not angry.

And I am still full of love.

Why being lonely is sometimes Super Awesome - JD

Revamping occurs when my life feels revamped. So my blog felt the effects of the changing nature of my life.

I feel like my life is rather epic. Which seems odd as on the surface as it appears like my days are filled with classes, work and homework. And then sometimes I stop and I look at myself and lately it makes me smile.

I am just over 8 days away from my first half marathon! I am so psyched, and terrified. 13.1 miles is really far, and sometimes I second guess myself. Yet, I am so ready to accomplish this. I mean running is just therapy for me, it releases stress and I enjoy a runners high. Amidst my blogging I actually decided to run, it was beautiful. It was about 9 miles of peace.

Then there is the fact that oh yah, I am graduating from University in a few weeks. I have less than a month and I am done graduating, as long as all goes well. That will be a life altering thing most likely. I have spent, well my whole life basically in school, and its coming to an end. Cross your fingers grad school starts coming into place. But honestly, I kinda want a year off.

A year off. I am planning on backpacking Europe. I think like 3ish weeks would be amazing. So thats a little bit in the works. Why not? I think travelling cultures you and provides you with invaluable life experiences, experiences I crave. I cannot wait to see the world.

Today I registered for my Yoga Instructors Course. For years I have wanted to be a yoga instructor but it didnt ever seem feasible. Now I have my course half paid for and I am so psyched! It not only gives me a plan til the end of August but it also will be 200 hours of me doing what I love. I want that chance to share my love of life and yoga with people and I think I am on a path towards that.

Yes, I feel like my life is epicful.

Sometimes it is lonely. My best friend here went to Cairo for the summer. I miss Soph dearly. Another close friend went to Berlin for 3 months. My adventuring has dramatically decreased. I have only seen my family and calgary friends for 3 days in the last 5 months. Sanchez is still on a mission so I live through letters. And recently I realized how much I miss a boy I met 5 years ago, but he is on a mission for another 2 weeks. So heres the thing, Life got really lonely. But amidst feeling like everyone was out of reach I came to commit to running, I formed plans to help prepare me for life after BYU, and I chose to take my Yoga Instructors course. If I had been so preoccupied with friends and pillow talk and parks and adventuring I dont think I would have had so much time to ponder my future.

And thats why being lonely is sometimes super awesome.

Struthiomimus

Fact. The Struthiomimus had a similar running style to an ostrich, it had long, mobile arms which helped its clawed fingers grasp and hold its prey. It also had a long tail to balance it out while running at high speeds. Ir ran about 50 km/hr.

So here is the deal. In yoga you must be mobile and balanced, like a Struthiomimus. I am aiming to doing my Yoga Instructors course at It's Yoga Utah, here in Provo Utah, and they are currently having a Teacher Training Video Competition. I have created a 2.5 minute animated video on yoga for this competition. Each hit on Youtube is essentially one point for me. If I get the most hits I get my course free. Which saves me 2000. So the more people that watch it the better. Note. Last summer the winner had like 5000 hits. No joke. Thanks for all of your love and support.

Velociraptor!

Fact: The Velociraptor is one of the best arguements for dinosaurs being warm-blooded. They were fast moving, agile and had a lifestyle more similar to wolves, warm-blooded killers, than to lizards and reptiles.

As I finally am sitting here blogging I cannot even begin to believe the altering path I have taken as of late. Also, as well, I am so happy. I am happy that I have been realizing who I am in a more real sense. I believe that finding yourself is a neverending journey. You are always finding new things you love and there are constantly people coming into your life that change you. But more recently I have taken some time and stopped and looked in the mirror and found out a little more about myself.

I have finally come into the open realization of my pure love for Yoga. Honestly, you could bring up yoga with me and I could go off for ages about it. I find it to be relaxing and therapeutic. It is a healer of both the body and the mind. It reconnects you when you are fading or lost. It reduces stress, for me personally more than anything else does, and it is just purely glorious.

Hence I am going to pursue becoming a yoga instructor. Voila. Plan made. From mid July to the end of August I intend on staying in Provo and becoming a yoga instructor. And just the thought of it makes me glow. I am currently not able to think of anything more splendid and renewing than spending all day, everyday, doing yoga. Recognize. Plan. Act.

I have now come back to running. I have always loved running. I really have. I get into a cycle where I run a ton for a few weeks than back off etc. However, this is changing. Last weekend I decided that I want to run a half marathon. So I started a 10 week training program. Week one complete. I am impressed with myself. I feel so much healthier with running or cross training everyday minus sundays. My longest run was 4 miles this week, which was a feat for me! So yay! I am training and I love it. Running makes me way less stressed, happier and I just feel better about myself. Which is always a good thing. It makes me feel alive, human, warm-blooded perhaps?

Then there is just the fast movingness of my life. I feel like nothing is stagnant. And its little things, from appearance to hobbies. These last 4 months I became enthralled with snowboarding. As it gets warmer I spend more time running and longboarding. And as the weather changes appearance changes. The warmer it gets the more I live in my running shorts, flip flops and flats. And then I got my new glasses this week. They are beautiful and overly indie. So it just feels like things are moving so rapidly and everyday I am adjusting a little bit more to the weather or changes in school or my life, its like constant adaptation. I am growing and changing with the seasons.

As the velociraptor is known for its quick attack and agility I feel like in some ways that is me. I am constantly adapting to my environment and then acting quickly, and swiftly. I only hope that the velociraptor was half as happy with its life as I am with mine right now.

Oviraptosaur

Fact: The Oviraptosaurs resembled large flightless birds. They had slim but muscular back legs and could run quite fast. The first oviraptoosaur was discovered with a crushed skill lying near fossilized dinosaur eggs, which it likely died protecting.

I am not sure the Oviraptosaurus will be related to today, except that to me it was a protector, I bet that its friends and everyone around it felt safe. The other night I felt safe with you. Correlation established.

I recognize that the word EPIC has been found often and frequently in my most recent posts. However, this one will be no different. The other night was the most adventurously epic evening ever. It was magical actually.

It began with longboarding in the canyon. Well one longboard and one skateboard. And it was night and darkish. Luckily the moon was shining ultra bright. So basically we didnt see a single person on the path. It was glorious. Plus there is the storytelling park which I pretty much love now. You kinda broke a skateboard. oops. but thats epicish haha. Oh and let us note- longboarding with 2 people on the board is a LOT harder than you may think. Just saying. Oh and possibly the most imaginative moment in the canyon was the log you used as a rail. Nicely done.

Then it was on to Midway to see the Ice Castles. It was unfortunate that they appeared to be closed. Fortunately the fence was small. Needless to say, the ice castles were beautiful. I especially was fond of the part where you are like inside the ice tunnel. Loved it.

Then a dock on I think Deer Creek was the next destination. I think there was the first time of the night when I realized what a beautiful evening it was. The moon was way huge and it was a decently clear night, you could see a ton of stars and mountains were illuminated. It was just a gorgeous evening. I suppose by this time it was more into morning hours actually.

Then we found a freaking amazing park. Seriously I dont know when parks became so high tech! And I really want to know who invented all of the genius park toys. For instance, this one thing is like a wheel hanging from a pipe, you grab onto the wheel and as it untwists you spin. Genius. Although the ultimate toy was this twisted pipe on the ground- it was ideal for chicken fights. Who would think to twist some metal and put it inches off the ground? Genius I tell you! Oh and the last nice touch to the park was the huge fake rocks. They are basically made for sitting on and looking at the stars. As I said- this part was freaking amazing.

And there you have it. Such a unique night. It was intertwined with conversation and music and laughter. And it was EPIC, in every sense of the word. So pretty much I love adventurous epic nights.

The Oviraptosaur was found fossilized protecting its young. Last night was a late evening, and it was darkish and it was spent almost all outside. But I never once felt afraid, I just felt safe. And sometimes being with someone and feeling so incredibly safe is the best feeling in the world. Ergo, last night was an epic adventurous oviraptosaur evening. And I loved it.

Gallimimus

Fact. The Gallimimus was the fastest dinosaur! It could run at 56 km/hr and it has been said that they could not hold things. So it likely fed on eggs with its beak-like snout. It also had a long neck that it held above its shoulders- like an ostrich. It was beautiful and unique.

I feel like the Gallimimus was a fascinating dinosaur. Can you imagine running that fast? Or not really being able to hold things? Or being a dinosaur that looks kinda like an ostrich? Its all so beautiful. The last two days have been pure fascination and beauty.

Yesterday we went snowboarding. After breaking up and having my heart shattered I was second guessing spending a day with you on the mountain. Regardless, we went. And it was incredible. I think we were always meant to be best friends. Dont get me wrong, dating you was one of the best things I can even imagine. I loved being your girlfriend, but more than that, I loved that we were best friends. So now we are just best friends, no lovey-dovey relationship. And its okay. We are going to be okay. And I really realized this as you were being all Steazy and showing me how you butter way better than me haha, oh and when you ran into me. Nice one. Apparently I am the best girl you have boarded with. Holla! Sundance was great. A little icy at first, and the back mountain was so sub-par, but I really enjoyed it. It was chill. We just talked and road and kinda did our thing, you were wayyy more intense than I am. But I just took the mountain and pretty much embraced that I am decent at boarding now. I left with minor bruises but it was a turning point. We talked about being tight and we are okay. And that means the world to me. After we went for early dinner or late lunch. It was so great, chicken salad with pineapple in it is killer! Plus free soft serve is great. Then we hit the mall. And part of me misses us walking around holding hands laughing, but just walking around laughing worked out well too. So yay for best friends. ps. remember how you commented that most of my best friends are boys, well yah, I just prefer opening up to boys maybe.

The night turned into a cocktail party which was surprisingly lovely. I was plenty nervous for it. And then all was well. We were dressed so pretty and that is great. Mostly I loved the drinks. Let me remind you it was all alcohol-free. But Shirley temples are my favourite! I wish I could drink them daily. When I grow up I will have a large supply of orange juice, grenadine and gingerale to allow for this. But heres how it all went. We had plenty of juices etc for drinks and we had cookies and snacks and friends. I spent most of the night catching up with Jenni and Jake, they are both just beautiful people. Likely 2 of my favourite people to talk with as you can talk about anything with them, plus they are funny. Loved it.

Then today. So freaking epic. It started out with me making waffles. Why yes Sophie, I am a waffle snob, I will only at waffles from scratch. And I love them. So waffles and bacon and juice was basically the best way to start the day. I wish more days started that way actually. Then we decided to join some people from church for Broom ball. Unfortunately none of us really knew what it was, but Paige, Lauren, Soph and I went. I wish I could explain this better, but heres how it was. We got on the ice and got in random teams and had NO idea what to do. Yet it was perfect. Apparently since I am Canadian there were some who thought I had like a knack or secret skills for it but no. I just was not afraid of sliding into people, I mean I have hips for hip checking. So I left there with a majorly bruised and swollen knee, So worth it. Soph has a nice bruise or two also haha. Karma joined us in our broom ball adventures as one boy was way intense and everytime he tried to take me out he ended up on his face. I loved it. haha. So we love broom ball. It was social, and a workout, and hilarious. Plus I felt like I belonged there, it was never awkward or like I didnt know what to do. Ergo, broom ball is going to become a staple, or at least something I try and frequent.

Then the two boys I know best from church came over, its not even like I know them well at all, but we still had plenty of juices so drinks it was. I made granola bars as we talked. yay. And can I just note, the two Nicks are great. I love conversing with them. Yes they both are very physically attractive but they are easy to talk to. So it was chill. We just sat on the kitchen floor and drank our mixed juices and had a pleasant time, plus I mean it was sunny so we had the front door opening so the sunlight was just pouring in. Incredible.

To make life even better Soph and I went to the canyon to board. Something about longboarding down the canyon is surreal. First off it is gorgeous. It is just so pretty there. And everyone is friendly. You just hop on your board and its refreshing and relaxing. I think board sports were made for me. Snowboarding and Longboarding just bring me so much peace and joy.

The epicness ended with stopping by Big Papas place for dinner at 10. She is a doll. I love that she used to sing to me " i like it when you call me big papa" last year, Lauren is great. I missed her and didnt realize how much I missed her til we were over there.

So heres the thing, Thursday was awful. I missed you. I hated that we broke up. Friday I came to terms with it all and was like you know what I want to be happy. And I am happy. I chose to take a path with a perspective that involved loving myself and doing the things that brought me joy and it changed everything.

Sometimes I feel awkward and out of place like how I think the Gallimimus must have felt sometimes. You know, just gawky and not sure of your place. And then I remember parts of who I am. Spending a day talking to one of my best friends while Snowboarding was epic. I hope I dont want to forget that day soon. Putting on a pretty dress and just talking is nice. Waffles and trying a new sport and letting myself feel fearless and get banged up a ton, and just riding the canyon, well they all just make me feel alive.

I love the epic nature of my life. I really do. So here is to finding myself again amidst losing something special. Gallimimus; you and I both have things to be proud of, you were the fastest dinosaur, and well me, I dont know what do pull out but I am pretty sure I am diverse and lately I have noticed how obscure my likes are, but it all makes me unique. And I love who I am. And I am pretty sure that matters a lot more than most things.

Baryonyx

Fact. Baryonyx is one of the most rare dinosaurs known. It had long jaws, a flexible neck and a hooked claw on each hand. Only one specimen of this hook-clawed carnivore has been found so far.

Tonights entry is rare. I hope it exemplifies a deeper look into me. The true feelings that reside in a place I try and keep hidden.

I feel the word vomit coming. I cant even control it. The emotions and pain and confusion and frustration are too much and yet I feel so disconnected. I suppose I feel reminded of the one period in my life I generally try to forget. I feel those tendencies that accompany depression. Emotions you dont understand, feeling alone, pulling away and lashing out for no reason. And yet I feel like having experienced depression makes me all the more aware of the signs. I can see them in other people, but mostly I see them in myself. I recognize those times when I actively make decisions because I feel like I need to control something. Mostly I see the rise in sarcasm as I try to mask reality. Thankfully I am at a point where I see the signs and can recognize the need for change and can avoid falling back into depression. It almost makes it seem worth it when I went through depression as it saves me from a lot of future heartaches you know.

We broke up. I cant say I didnt see it coming, however, that didnt make it any easier. How can two people be falling in love and know its not right? I still dont understand. I also dont understand physiologically the convulsing and bitter aching pain that accompanies crying involved with heartache. Sometimes when I think about you I physically get chest pain. I do believe that a broken heart can present physically. I really do. And yet we are friends. I phoned you for fact verification before the exam, I ran into you at the market and we chatted, we are supposed to snowboard. And yet here I am, wishing I could just cry, but for some reason I cant. I just feel completely ill and broken.

So to get out of my completely selfish breakdown and to prevent myself from hurting more about something I cant change I want to completely refocus on a few things.

THE PRESENT

The kids I volunteer with are amazing. They truly are. Two of my favourites graduate tomorrow. Which is exciting, it means their mother completed the rehab program. And yet I know how much I will miss them. Taylor and Issac were always so quick to sit on my lap or attack me. We read books and played on the swings and did crafts together every week. I will miss them. And with Trinity and Tristan gone too now I have no one left to teach me about "Cougar Mountain Lions" haha. Luckily there are still other children. Today one taught me that if she held a Mr. Potato Head up to my ear that I could hear the ocean. Those kids remind me of the joys that come from the simplest things. Being around children makes me happier than most things. I mean last night I was at Sophs house and was reading to Cy from his chapter book, and it was amazing. Beauty is most often appreciated when you finally get out of your self-absorbed stressed out mind.

THE PAST

This past week has made me think a lot about my experiences at BYU. I mean 3 more months and I wont be here any more. Somethings became like a cycle. I mean every winter semester, Februaryish I meet a boy. And its like a story. Boy and girl like each other. Boy and girl date. Things seem awesome. One day things end. Girl moves back to Canada. Its almost become predictable. Yet I have changed so much over the years I hate the predictability of it. I used to avoid commitment. I was too afraid and wanting to be free. Now I feel that I have learned to love myself and find joy alone and want to share all of those little things that comprise me with someone else. I think for once I am looking for something long term and committed. Also in looking at BYU I remember coming here thinking it would be forever. There was a boy I liked back home and 3 or 4 years in the states felt like an eternity. Now that its almost over I dont know where it all went. And now I scarcely see that frightened 18 year old that moved across the border to a city where she knew no one to a school of over 30,000, when I look in the mirror. I have changed. I found myself. I found genuine interests. I found out how to live on my own and take care of myself and how to make it through trials that seem like they will kill me. I faced failure and pain and ache and counselling and despite it all I have had an amazing time. I have grown into someone I love and I feel ready for the world.

THE FUTURE

So heres to change. I am terrified to graduate. I mean finding a career or crossing my fingers for grad school seems so much more of a reality than being a student at a huge religious university where pretty much everyone has the same standards. But then there is this part of me that cant wait. I want to travel, I want to be back in the world where people are more diverse and where I feel like I am making a difference. I want to contribute to society.

So as messed up and random as this entry was I feel okay about its. Its like a rare writing of my life. Its me feeling broken, missing you so incredibly much, not because part of me hoped it would last, but because you became my best friend. In a month you became the person I wanted to tell everything to, you saw what it was like when I opened up completely and you made me a better person. So I miss you entirely. This entry is me recognizing my feelings, allowing myself to feel the pain and ache but to control it. To avoid depression and loneliness. To release everything in a healthy way. But also to take into account the beauty of my life. To see the things that make me happy. And to look towards a bright future.

I feel like this lyrical journey is rare. Like the Baryonyx.

Hypsilophodon

Fact. The Hypsilophodon was a small and nimble herbivore. It had no armour or sharp fighting claws; so it had to run away for defense.

Things have been incredible lately. I feel on top of school, I have a boy I really care about in my life, I opened a beautiful package from my mother and I have some incredible friends in my life. But for some reason I am lying here feeling like a Hypsilophodon. I feel like I have no armour or fighting claws.

This goes both ways. Its a beautiful thing, but it is also terrifying. I feel like lately I have become more at peace. Less high strung. You know I used to be a lot more violent almost, in my attempt to avoid feelings I would come across more aggressive and be all "lets fight". When really I meant things like "yah I am kinda upset or emotional or whatever" and really needing to talk about something. So its beautiful thing that I have reached a point in my life where I am not so armoured and trying to shield my emotions and self to avoid being hurt. And my lack of fighting claws lately has led to more meaningful relationships and the ability to get to know people better. So my Hypsilophodon-like qualities can be useful.

But this sword of speech is double-edged. Due to my lack of armour and mad ninja-like fighting skills I am vulnerable. I think I realized this as the other night as I was talking about a foster sister I lost and I cried. And then tonight after talking to my brother and I cried again. As you held me two nights in a row while I let out vulnerability and realized that my armour was gone. Somewhere along the road I have learned to open up. I let out the things that are hurting or my fears. And the fact that my armour is gone is really scary. It means my heart is out there. I am putting my emotions and everything more on the line.

But I know that there are people around protecting me, it would be like having a gang of velociraptor friends sitting in the bushes just in case someone hurt me, you know- just waiting to stick up for me.

But sometimes I miss my old armour and fighting ways. Its a lot easier when you have a shield up.

I think that overall this is good for me. Opening up to Soph while we talk on our beds at night, or opening up to my boy when he can see that I am hurting, well they are both just good for me. Sometimes you have to lose the armour and allow yourself to become vulnerable if you want to let your relationships grow and learn who you really are.

So Hypsilophodons and I have a lot in common and I think I am okay with it, because I am gaining a better perspective on my own life and I am becoming a better person each time I shed my armour and connect with someone.

Giganotosaurus

Fact. The Giganotosaurus had a smaller brain and bigger hands than Tyrannosaurus Rex. It may have weighed as much as 25 people.

So I find it kinda hilarious and ridiculous that there is a dinosaur with an even smaller brain than the T-Rex and that they specify that its hands are larger. I think the real reason for my choosing of Giganotosaurs is because its different, something unexpected but not so far out there that you dont believe in it. Lately I feel like everything going on in my life is almost a little bit of a shock but still believable and real.

You know that feeling when you have been asleep or in the dark for awhile and you have to go outside or into the light and you have that shock, you want to turn back or just close your eyes because it is different and slightly uncomfortable. But the best thing to do is push on and let your eyes adjust to the light. I feel like that scenario is my current life situation. Things keep happening, that perhaps I walk into and I have to figure out how to deal with that shock or change.

The first change that sparked this spiral of growing up and walking into the light, occured last friday. I was ready to really figure out what I was going to do with my life. Graduation and the MCAT are only getting closer and I felt like it was really time to get a handle on things. So, being religious, I did the only thing I could do. I did my part and then put it all in God's hands and asked for his help and guidance. And my experiences that afternoon were glorious. I have always believed in God but there are those times when his love for me is just so reaffirming. So long story being made slightly shorter, I am sure I want to do Physical Therapy. Cool eh? I am really stoked about it. I just know that I will love it and be good at it so now its just working on getting into a school, which will be really hard, but worth it. So I have some direction. And in all honesty, it was hard to take a step back and realize that I might not have been on the ideal career path for myself. And it took swallowing my pride before I was even able to consider these changes but I am happy, really happy. Physical Therapy just fits me so well and so cross your fingers that this is that right path and that I get in somewhere. But yah, adapting to a change in my future life plans was worth the awkward uncomfortable feeling of facing the unknown and walking away from the only future career I had imagined. Sometimes walking into the light brings a lot more joy than you can imagine.

Friday was not just a spiritually reaffirming day and career altering day it also brought surprise and fear and pretty much every other emotion you can imagine. The boy that had made me so happy, but also slightly crushed my heart, and I had plans to just chill. I will admit I was as nervous as can be but excited, it felt like going to see an old best friend. You know, that person you know you can just talk to about anything, no matter whats happened. It was incredible. We just talked and laughed and read riddles, which was like a flashback of my whole childhood since my mother and I would read logic problems, whodunits and riddles every night when I was growing up. I cant explain it, and I dont think I even want to try to because when I close my eyes I can still imagine it. It was just one of those nights when you are happy. You feel comfortable and you laugh and you do ridiculous things but its all just great. And then as it all came to a close it became apparent that feelings hadnt really changed. Unfortunately it meant hearing hard things and talking about the break up and all of that, but ultimately it was what needed to happen. I went home scared, maybe even terrified, but also ecstatic, there was still something so real there. Its not often you meet someone that just makes you smile and that you feel like is a best friend no matter what.

(That paragraph was overwhelming me so I just started a new one). Well saturday came and went with reading childrens books, even with a random child. And I mean this is me, of course I loved it. Robert Munsch shaped my childhood with his works of literature. They are like pure magic. Sunday involved a walk, and for once me really bringing up how I felt. And I would say that it was then back to before, but it wasnt. It was better. Everything seemed more real. Maybe it was like we had gotten through a fight. I dont know. All I know is that yah I am scared. Relationships are so freaking scary. But I decided it was worth it. I would rather watch myself get hurt again and have this great experience than to just miss out on it all. You are worth it I guess is what I am saying.

For example, last night when we made smores and melted stabursts over candles and then painted dinosaurs, it was just perfect. Thats the way I like things. Simple and in its own way romantic. I know this is rambling and perhaps its went on for too long as I have went the long way around the point. You came back into my life, and it was more intimidating than that porch light after falling asleep on the floor but, like the warmth and the glow of the light, you drew me back in. And I would say its worth it. I like you.

So as the Giganotosaurus draws my attention with his peculiarly small brain I am fascinated with the turn of events in my life. I didnt expect to be taking a new path with my future and I didnt see you coming back into my life as more than a friend. But it all happened. And in my imagination the Giganotosaurus was simple yet happy, and thats how I feel.

Compsognathus

Fact. The Compsognathus was about 3 ft tall, and reached just below the Barosaurus' ankle. It had long legs for running fast and was a carnivore.

I think that if I was such a small dinosaur I would have to be very courageous, you know, killing other dinosaurs for food when I was small enough to be crushed by the foot of a Barosaurus. I just picture the Compsaognathus as being brave, thats all.

Today was one of the most epic days I have had, possibly in my whole time at BYU. The timing could not have been better, after last night I felt so ready for something incredible.

It started out so basic and typical, in the lab for class at 7, studying the lower leg ligaments and muscles with a friend at 8, 9-12 was occupied with volunteering with my favourite kids, and by 1 was off to Sundance to board. Typical. The weather was so sunshiny I was worried the mountain would be icy, making boarding less than ideal. Yet once I arrived and commented on the lack of snow it began snowing, and really didnt let up til 2 hours after we left the hill.

It was beautiful. There is something peaceful and renewing about boarding while it snows. Your tracks are covered so quickly that by the time you get back to the top you cant even see where you were last time. It was the most chill time ever up there. We were just in a mood to embrace nature and be one with our boards. Maybe it sounds cliche or gay, whatever. It was amazing. I felt a more real connection with my board and s turns were natural. I guess I have improved more than I could have imagined this season. Regardless, it was just the event I needed to remind me of who I am and the joy I can find in simple things, like watching the snow fall while on the lift.

I really would have been thrilled if boarding was the only epic event of the day, even the week. But I was so blessed. I had a chance to conquer a fear. I know it sounds crazy, but yah I have been a lifeguard for almost 6 years and yet I hate going off the diving boards, they terrify me. So I took diving lessons today from a previous Olympic Diver, and Olympic judge. I practiced with his club team today so I could try and get over my fear. The little diver girls know me well and were astounded that I was getting in with them. But none of that mattered, all that really was important was that I had someone that believed in me more than I believed in myself. Keith has always known I could dive if I just pushed my fears aside. So I started with the forward line up dives and progressed to handstands/walk overs and then back dives. I was petrified of the back dives, I mean it just seems dangerous, but I did it. And then I learned how to properly hurdle and started working on a jump front dive. Perhaps it seems basic. But I was so scared.

DO ONE THING A DAY THAT SCARES YOU.

Today I decided to learn to dive. And yah, I screamed a few times mid-air. And I am not embarassed by it. Its not everyday you can go home and be proud of yourself for facing something you are afraid of.

Today was epic. I had the most beautiful time boarding and I overcame a fear, and enjoyed it.

Oh and my little black princess called tonight, she had soo much energy, you could tell through the phone, she was squealing about running. haha. Apparently sometimes she carries my picture around the house, and whenever she does my mother lets her phone me. I miss her, and the rest of my family. As expected, hey.

Well I just wanted to note the epicness of today. I loved it. And doing Ochem tonight has sucked less than usual because I am so happy. Sometimes I need to just be sad and realize that something upsetting has occurred. And other days I just need to be stressed because it pushes me. And sometimes I just have to embrace the miracle of life and nature and just be happy beyond belief.

I love the ever changing nature of everyday life.

Troodon

Fact. The Troodon had a light and delicate skeleton. Troodons had large eyes to absorb more light to improve night vision.

I had no intention of blogging today. The last few days I have had little desire to write; I havent wanted to write notes, or blog, or in my journal. Nothing. And then it hit. I ran across a blog I had not read before. Yup, it was yours, and conveniently you blogged this weekend about your weekend, oh and reverting to single life. Sadly, that had meant I had once again joined single life. And then, for the first time really since it ended and I cried it out, I felt sad.

I know it sounds so simple. But I am not really known for being overly emotional. I try to avoid talking about things that make me upset or feel vulnerable. And yet here it is. I feel a void I didnt know was there. We are friends, and we talk and its lovely. Then there are moments and you say things that catch me off guard and then I dont even know what to think. But I guess I miss you, and I didnt even recognize it til now. I miss just sitting and talking about whatever, or fake fighting and other stupid things. That sucks hey. Maybe I just need to wait it out and tomorrow it will be fine again. I mean its been a week. I will be fine.

So I chose the Troodon because its eyes are so big they look sad to me. And thats kinda how I feel right now, most of the time when I am sad you can just see it in my eyes, they are a dead give away.

Dont get me wrong. Life is amazing right now. I am running almost everday, I am boarding tomorrow and am getting Dive lessons from an old Olympic Diver for an hour, I mean those are all cool things. Plus I have been keeping up on yoga and maintaining balance. And I am applying to a school I am stoked about. So it really is not like things are awful. Life is in balance for the most part. But I think tonight I will just let myself have a few moments to miss you. Then I will once again accept the reality of life and move on.

C'est la vie.

Deinonychus

Fact. The Deinonychus could run very fast when chasing prey and it had a stiff tail that it used for steering when running and jumping. Cool hey?

So today I just liked the Deinonychus because this kid I sit with in class drew a raptor on his page because I told him drawing dinosaurs was cool, and it looked like this one.

Sometimes I wish I had a tail, like a monkey tail to hang upside down by, or a fox tail, it would be elegant. But mostly I like the tail of the Deinonychus because it provides balance. I love balance. Whether its when I am doing a yoga posture or just in those moments when I find balance in my life.

Lately I have been more at peace with my life than ever before. I am not even sure why. I think part of it is because I have taken time to reflect. Maybe its because for once I let myself stop and realize whats really going on in my life. I mean I let myself have time to be sad, and to stress about school, and to contemplate a huge change in my future. And then I changed.

I went to the park and did Yoga, and as I was meditating I recognized how blessed I am and how happy I am. I am so at peace with my life. And everything feels balanced. I actually feel on top of my school work, except O-chem. That class perpetually slays every fibre of my being. I think I have two rebuilt friendships. One from someone I havent seen in awhile, and one from the end of a relationship. And both are going to be pleasant. I have the best roommate ever and my mother and I are much closer lately. Life is in balance. At least for today.

The other balancing act of my life feels like in that Dr. Suess Book, Cat in the Hat, where the fish is balancing on a ball, holding a cake and a million things. This portion of my life is planning for the future. I have spent the last, what feels like, 71048374892345 years planning on being a doctor. That was all there was to it. Then one day, during this period of peace and introflection, I realized I was not sure that I wanted to go to medical school. Part of it is purely grade related, I really do not think there is a huge chance of me getting into a school. I realize how competitive it is, I realize that you have to be intelligent beyond belief. And currently I am not in that category, not completely academically. And I do realize that I have a lot of other skills, I have research and work experience, I have volunteering hours and dedication and desire. So I have a lot to stand up for me. But then I realized, yah I do want a lot of things in my life. I may only be 21 but I do want a family one day, and I want to have kids I can take to the park and teach about dinosaurs. I want to travel, I want to do a lot of things. And I feel like that will be slightly inhibited if I go to med school. But then I realized all I could imagine was being a doctor, or something absurd, like Jurassic Park or unicorns. Luckily, last month I began being less stubborn and realizing that Physical Therapy caught my eye. I love my class about it. I love the thought of being a physical therapist. Its hands on, medical and life changing. And its only 2 years. This seems ideal hey? Oh and the school I have fallen in love with and want to go to is in Australia. No big deal right? So thats all. I think I am changing my life plans. And I am okay with it. We will see what happens.

But for now, I am living my life of a balancing act. And it feels in balance. And I am so at peace and so happy. Therefore, things are splendid.

love.

Corythosaurus

Fact. The corythosaurus was bipedal and had hoof-shaped claws and padded toes on its hands for walking. It liked eating tough ferns and pine needles.

Today the Corythosaurus seemed appropriate because it looks so peaceful. I mean its just chilling eating some fern. No big deal. I left class early today so I could do yoga in the park. After 45 minutes I felt so at peace with my life. I wasn't hurting after anything that happened this week, I wasn't feeling guilt or dread about taking a new life path. And for once, I was not feeling overwhelmed and drowning because of my own stress. I felt so alive.

I think I am mellowing out. I ran into someone yesterday that I used to harbour ill feelings towards. And I saw him and it was like "Oh hey". And it was no big deal. I think there is a point when you just completely move on and grow up.

Yesterday morning I had a chance to talk to one of my best friends in the world. As him and I chatted I think it hit how much of an influence he has had on my life, but by the end of the day I think I for once saw how different we were. I had this image in my head of making him travel with me, we are both adventurous and into that sorta thing so why not. And then for a second it was like a fog was lifted and I saw reality, I want to travel and see the world and experience crazy things, he likes travelling and partying. I love you dearly, but you were right all along.

I dont think I want to be a doctor anymore. I know crazy hey. But its my life and I can change my mind as many times as I want. So I changed my mind. I really feel like Physical Therapy would be a perfect fit for me. I dont really want to be in school for another 8 years, and I love my class that is all about Physical Therapy. Thanks for helping me open my eyes to that. So I think I changed my mind.

C'est la vie.

I am happy and I feel so at peace. And today, thats all that matters.

Stegoceras

Fact. Stegoceras were goat -sized and not very fast.

Today I chose the Stegoceras because they look so vulnerable. They are not very big, the T-Rex totally chases and eats it and its not even way fast.

Today was a vulnerable day. It was one of those days where I woke up and felt so ill, ended up sleeping it off and realizing I had completely put my heart out there. Unfortunately, today was also the day that relationship ended. As much as I wish I could say I was angry or he was a tool it wasnt like that. I am hurt, and really I would have sworn it was not physically possible for me to cry as much as I did tonight, it just didnt end. But I have no regrets. I think this was the first time I really put everything I had into a relationship. I opened up, I went out of my way to do little things, you know. So yah, it sucks. It sucks to be so small and vulnerable and to feel like a T-Rex is ripping you apart and that you cant do anything to stop it or change the course of action. It hurts so much, but this is life, I learned how to actually handle a relationship in a normal way, no walls, no games, just straight up. I was reminded of what its like to actually be around someone that makes you laugh and smile all the time. It was amazing.

So as much as I want to scream or break something, or just keep crying, I can actually see that as much as something beautiful is gone, it had a purpose.

Sorry I wont be able to pass you random notes full of drawings, or texts with obscure thoughts, but you'll respect how hard it is for me I think. See you around.

Stegosaurus

Fact. The name stegosaur means "plated reptile". The stegosaur group survived for over 50 million years. Their plates were tallest in the hip region.

So today was amazing. In fact looking at the day a lot of mediocre and even not great and basically lame things happened. But sometimes it just takes a few moments to make everything better. So regardless of two exams I am happy.

I have enjoyed the last 7 days immensely and I feel like Soph and I are just getting closer and closer and its lovely. I mean who doesn't love pillow talk every night? Everyone loves it. Soph is the best. Honestly I feel like her and I get each other better than most people can imagine. Our lives sometimes feel like they are on the same tractish since we always have similar things happening. We even have our meltdowns together. Hm. Well I adore her.

Plus I talked to my little black princess again today. I love that kid, she had to stop talking though because she was making brownies haha. Mum is way brave to let a 2 year old make brownies. There is just something about family. That is for sure. That and my little sister is looking for a grade 8 grad dress. How wierd. She is growing up way too fast.

Oh and I think I just realized that I havent spent much time with a guy that really treated me amazing in awhile. Oh but then I found a stellar guy. So lets see what happens. I am happy though right, so no big deal, he is chill.

Hm. I think today feels like a stegosaurus day because its as if its lasted 50 million years but full of so many things, that and I mean hips dont lie..

love.

Barosaurus

Fact. The barosaurus had a very long neck balanced by its very long tail. It also did not chew its good, it swallowed tough leaves and twigs whole.

The Barosaurus was todays dinosaur as yesterday a comment was made on the disproportionate dinosaur on my blanket. It is not as disproportionate as thought I am pretty sure.

Life has me pretty stoked lately. It is a long weekend, which was needed on every level possible. Plus after spending all last weekend moving it felt like I had not had a weekend in 2 weeks. So today was a breath of fresh air. Although its been rainy, so I did not do yoga in the park, thank goodness I did yesterday.

Also I have had a way enjoyable weekend. Too often it feels like weekends pass with little to account for, but not this one. I was definately at work more than I wanted to be but I also went for cupcakes, had a girls night, a movie night, and a lot of talking. And today still has a few hours. Hopefully Avatar will be good and I kinda want to just get all snuggled in and watch Paper Heart after. Who knows. All I am getting at is this weekend was amazing. I am happy, throughout, and it was relaxing.

Plus I got to know someone and it was really nice. You know, to just talk about life and where we came from and goals and fears and reality. I think occurances like that do not happen that often. So you really need to embrace them. Oh and I think this is the only important part of this post. So here goes. When you meet someone that makes you laugh, and you feel like you are just smiling incessantly and cant help it, well I am pretty sure you are supposed to keep them around. So I think I found another person that I am happy to be around and I am pretty sure I will be trying to keep him around. Regardless, I am happy and settling into my new home.

Sorry, a kinda boring post. But I pinky-swore to Kaity that I would blog weekly. So I have to maintain that. Love.

Ankylosaurus

Fact. The Ankylosaurus' were known as the armored tanks of the dinosaur world. They had clubbed tails formed by bony plates that were fused together, this was their most formidable weapon.

The Ankylosaurus is my favourite dinosaur, it exudes beauty and strength and is known for its protective nature of its young; hence I feel it is an appropriate beginning to this epic journey of my writing.

I am nearing one of those checkpoints in life. Close your eyes and remember playing like Super Mario Brothers and when you have to reach certain points or when you die you go back to the beginning, don't act like you dont know what I mean, because I know you do. I am at one of those points. With graduation fast approaching I am reaching a spot I wont be going back before. I wont be going back to undergraduate studies, and its highly unlikely I will even be at BYU taking classes again. Checkpoint.

In the observance of this checkpoint reality is definitely hitting. For once I have to find my own path. I wont just be going to school and working. I will be looking for a job I want to do long term, and waiting to hear back from graduate programs and medical schools. Its kinda a huge change. I have gotten so used to just being a student and working in the summers I actually cant even imagine what it will be like to be in a different place. I mean I can sit here and imagine Unicorns and dinosaurs and when I hear stories I can draw them out in my mind, but its like trying to imagine my wedding, I just draw a blank. I would be the worst fortune teller ever, I have little vision of the future. Although that makes it sound like I don't have a future. Its not like that, not at all. I just don't know where the future is taking me, thats all. Oh, and surprisingly, I am okay with it. Initially the unknowingness was killing me, but I decided to take it all in. This is going to be such an epic adventure as I figure out my real future.

However, in all of the changing and growing up I have found myself more I think. I have learned that the only way I can deal with stress is to think it out logically and then to meditate. I am pretty sure knowing this will save me at some point. Or like every other week when I have 700 thousand exams. Or like how I realized how happy coffee shops make me. There is something therapeutic about sitting in a coffee shop with someone. Although there is a major stipulation, it has to be with someone you can really just open up and talk to. I find coffee shops bring out the real me more than most locations, its like they lure me in and their quaint atmosphere just opens me up. Perhaps I should live in one. That would actually be amazing..

The reality of all of this incessant word vomit is me realizing my life is changing. And it's as if I should be growing up, and I am, but I have decided to not lose myself in growing up. I will still play pokemon on my gameboy between classes, I will still read about dinosaurs, and imagine unicorns being real. And as ridiculous as I am, well I am happy. So I will take my longboard, and my plaid shirts, and meditating and coffee shops anyday and everyday, over conforming. I am happy with who I am, and I am pretty sure thats what is most important right now. Hm. Epiphany. And this is why I blog. It brings out how I feel in ways that I dont realize, until I start writing it.

Moral. The moral of this novel of thoughts is that life is changing. I mean the ankylosaurus was such a powerful and majestic creature but change brought about its extinction. No matter how in control we think we are we really have no idea what is around that dark corner, or whats underneath the water below. So instead of stressing about the future and finding yourself walking about with nightmares about the future, its best to just find what you like and stick with it. I am not saying avoid change, infact, EMBRACE it. But while you are on a path towards change don't forget who you are and what makes you unique. All those quirky things I like is what shapes me. So I am going to look for a jump rope and perhaps swing in a park, because it will be fun.

Thanks Ankylosaurus for your beauty, perhaps one day I will leave a legacy to inspire like the way dinosaurs inspire me. Peace.