Okay, Life's a fact. People Do Fall In Love. People Do Belong To Each Other.

No matter how in depth I write this I wont be able to begin to explain to anyone what is what like. My words are so inadequate for the moments and emotions and vast beauty. However, I will make an attempt because I have a most awful memory and if I dont do this quite soon no one may ever know, except for him.

Yesterday had been an average day. Work had been busy and the highlight had been a relatively decent workout including a call with a friend that had been away. I napped after work and decided to dress down as I was meeting Kristin to look at venues. You see Jeff and I had been talking about marriage. We knew we wanted to go for it. We had looked at rings and ultimately found a jeweller that would design one for me. But that decision had only been made days earlier and I knew it would be weeks. So I was nearly content starting arrangements and impatiently waiting for a proposal.

So there I was, driving around town with Kristin looking slightly more ghetto than my usual unmade self. We looked at a few places and talked about if he would ever pop the question. When we arrived at Ralph Klein Park I felt like it wasnt the vibe we wanted for such an event but the grounds were gorgeous so I was keen to wander. Kristin needed to call her husband whom she had been texting all evening so she sent me on my way.

I had noticed a message from my dear friend Zaina so pulled out my phone and was texting her about bubble baths as I wandered, obviously paying close attention to my surroundings.

Then I noticed Jeff on the walkway I was headed towards. I had asked him earlier in the day if he could meet up with Kristin and I because he had been super particular about venues when we talked the weekend before and I felt frustrated that I couldnt find one he liked. He had told me he had a typical work meeting but would try. So I yelled out "What are you doing here?" and felt quite pleased inside that he made it to the last stop of the night. I asked about his meeting as I walked closer and then noticed A TON of spiders on the railings. Due to my arachnophobia I walked in the exact middle of the walkway over the water in attempts to not die and made several comments about the creepy spiders. It wasnt until I turned the corner towards Jeff that I saw the rose petals and candles and then heard "I will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab. 

I was confused and I teared up. I knew but I had no idea. The next few minutes were beyond anything I could say or imagine. He hugged me and told me all the things any girl would give anything to hear. And next thing I knew he was down on one knee. I was crying as he asked and honestly was in complete shock. It all had just happened so perfect and the music was going and the scenery was amazing and there we were. I finally noticed the ring and he told me it was a temporary ring until mine was finished. In complete puzzlement and fear I asked if I had to give the ring back when mine came (as the one I now had on was gorgeous) he just laughed. I didnt. This ring is to become an heirloom he said, I commented that it meant we would have to have kids then. 

As we turned around I finally realized it was an acoustic guitarist playing Death Cab for me just up above on the deck overlooking our spot. And then I saw the photographer. Someone had just taken a zillion photos of me crying.. and looking ghetto...

So hand in hand we walked inside to meet up with Kristin as we had come to check the place out. Jeff said I could freshen up but it was just Kristina and I had nothing with me so I looked in a window and wiped away some mascara and walked in with tear filled eyes.

As we walked we talked about the potential of the building with the lights coming on as we went. Then I saw the room Kristin was in as she opened the door.. the tears poured. All of our families were there along with our grandparents and closest friends. Everyone knew. Even two of my closest friends knew. They all cheered and hugged us and I cried more and it was beyond a fairytale.(Note: I had talked to all of my family yesterday separately and been with both his sisters in the last two days and no one said a word!) 

The room was all done with antique flowers and teal table cloths, and non-alcoholic lovely drinks, and cupcakes and strawberry shortcake and the ceiling was covered in balloons. And on the string of each balloon was a reason why he loved me. It was literally everything I love all together. And it was romantic. I hope the pictures can describe this better. It was a room of me basically. Like someone created my feelings and put them into objects.

So we all talked and cried and smiled and everyone told us it was about time. It was a whirlwind and the romance and perfection of it was overwhelming. It was just us like I wanted but he had prepared for a complete celebration because he knew I would want to tell my family immediately. It was so well thought out and tailored to me and there was so much magic. The guitarist had learned Death Cab  just for us and he filled our evening with a variety of songs that just made me melt. There was food and photos and our families just meshed without my help at all and everything was perfect.

I was so nervous it wouldnt have the magic I imagined or that I would feel uncomfortable telling everyone because of the attention but the truth is, Jeff knows me better than I know myself most days and he knew how to make it the most perfect thing to ever happen. And really, I feel so blessed to be planning eternity with someone so perfect for me. 

So I guess I should add that I said yes. I am gonna be a wife. And I am probably gonna cry a lot then too because I didnt know real life could involve a love like this. 

Even Being Black Cant Save You From Everything

I quite dislike phone calls. I dont mind in the office. The phone rarely rings more than once there. I usually enjoy that patient interaction because most of the time they appreciate I am trying to help. I dont even mind calling several numbers for one solution at work. But that is my work life. In my personal life I feel my skin crawl when the phone rings or when I see I have a missed call. I understand why I feel this way but it does not change it.

Today was one of those days. In my world there are many children. Ones that arent so young anymore. The first would be 11 now. She was my world. That is how life is when you have foster siblings. You expect to come home to children you dont know. You love people before you know anything about them. But it does break my heart somedays. Today is one of those days too. I really only know 3 of 4 because the last is too new for my knowledge it seems. But those three babies could be my world. I love the way they smile and hug me and will decide my room is the room to watch movies in and play in even though I want to get ready in it. I love that they dont live with us but every single time they come over it is like they never left. But it makes every part of me ache knowing that they dont have everything. That they werent born into the life I was. That the care they get with me isnt the same as what they have on a regular basis. It isnt their fault. Today, for once, there was an intervention. My babies cant stay at home right now. And I dont have the means or my own home to take all four of them, or I would. I offered up my room so two of them could live with us. They may not. But it sure hurts to know that they might have to live with someone else, and that someone probably wont ever be able to love them the way we do.

I guess I get too attached. I cant help it. I dont know how to not love. I dont know how to let the children into my life and not forevermore think of them as part of the family. We have a large family these days, mum must have at least 50 kids now. No wonder she worries so much.

So I dont know if I will get to have even a couple of them live with me again or if that chapter is over. I am not sure if this will just be a few days or a few months. Sometimes it takes awhile for life to sort itself out. All I know is that today will  be a hard day for 4 children that I love very much.

Six Hundred and My World Has Changed

Look how it all started.

I was so young, nieve, and I just wanted to be something more. Although I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was impressionable, lost and yearning. I wanted to change, so badly. But I was short sighted, even shorter tempered and couldnt possibly imagine the future that is my life now.

For awhile I used dinosaur facts to express myself, this was the beginning of that. I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. For someone to notice me and to see something because I couldnt see what I wanted to. I couldnt see that that someone was there all along.

I wanted love. More than anything. So I began trying to understand relationships. This was one of my better breakthroughs. Although Veronica Mars inspired the follow up post that also reminded me of what an idiot love makes me. But then there were the days when I longed for what I had before, even if it wasnt anything great, in those moments it seemed like the best thing so I often felt like JD in Scrubs.

And then I hated love. It felt tarnished and unlasting. It began something I didnt want to feel because I became another child of divorce, and I thought it was going to destroy my world.  And one day each year I let myself feel that pain and it is painful.I wondered if I would end up happy. If I would always just date the wrong people. And I pretended I didnt care that I was alone, but I was lying. And one night I realized I just hadnt found the right person at the right time. And then eventually I became less jaded.

Sometimes I was philosophical, I looked at reality and questioned it. And other days I knew that reality was a creation of both our past and our present with future minglings entwined. But most days were like this.

Amidst all of this I moved to Australia, and my house flooded. And eventually I left Australia and went home.

And now it is now. Everything has changed. This is my life. I have what I always wanted most. I have that love that I dreamed of and wrote of so often. I am still insecure and worry about my body image and feeling beautiful and about job security and if I am enough. I still stress and cry and feel pain. But I no longer feel it alone. I have someone that loves me entirely for me and because of that I think the next 600 will be full of a lot less jading and substantially less posts of ex drama.

"I'm so glad that all our feelings are true, I can't believe that you're still acting the same like we first met."

"Dont you know that true love never dies?"

Some songs are soundtracks for moments. Other's just fill the dead space. And some feel like they are your life. I was a high schooler when I first became obsessed with Houston Calls. This song felt like my everything. I was also in high school when I met the love of my life. I just didnt know it.

I like to think I am relatively intelligent. That not a lot gets past me. But lately I am realizing I missed a lot. I missed eight years. I guess I just wasnt ready. I was too into myself. The worst part isnt even that everyone else saw it except for me, it is that I took that time for granted.

We have so many memories. Nine years worth. But I have only really given note to the last 6 months. Before you were just one of my best friends. We would never be in love. You would put up with me and my sarcastic ways. You understood I wanted nothing. I just wanted to exist. In all of that time I thought he might care but I convinced myself it wasnt real. That was just how our friendship worked. He would taunt me with fake proposals knowing it would embarrass me and embarrassed I was. We would go for dinners and movies and everything couples would do but we werent a couple. And most of the time we didnt live near each other.

But know I know. I know that he loved me long before I loved myself, and way before I knew I would love him forever. He treated me like a princess when I thought princesses werent real. He waited patiently while I had to make mistakes and learn for myself. And when I was ready he gave me the chance I didnt deserve.

A lot has happened since I was 16. A lot. But the one constant feels like you. And I think Houston Calls knew that. They knew how I would one day feel long before I did. True love doesnt die. And I couldnt be happier that you know me better than I know myself most of the time. I think forever finally opened up my eyes.

Are We Over Capacity Because Employees Sleep Here?

I understand rush hour. I have learned to be patient when it takes me 60-75 minutes for a 40 minutes commute to get home from work as everyone else is trying to do so and our road system is poor. However, this week is really wearing me down. Last week it was major road closures because of flooding. Ninety minutes to work on Friday, Fridays are typically 35-40 minutes and I leave early enough to avoid traffic. Monday it was only 15 minutes longer than normal. Tuesday and Wednesday, even with the roads back open, my quiet morning drives became 90 minutes. This morning a bridge started to collapse into the river, with 5 train cars on it, carrying 80,000 kg of flammable/explosive material each. This led to a radius being closed involving all roads going to the South. I live North of the city and work near the city's south limits. So 2 hours again, even with leaving at 6 am!

I dont think I can handle this. It is exhausting crawling along roads. Feeling tired and hungry because you left so early. Feeling anxious because you cant do a single thing. And then hearing every single time that the mayor (whom I dislike greatly) urges employers to ask staff to stay home and to provide a day off. My employer is the hospital, days off dont exist.

The hospital is over capacity because of the flooding. A whole town is still flooded and residents havent even seen their homes in a week. Some roads and railways are entirely destroyed. And yet we are expected to show up to work like nothing is happening. I just want a day off to do clean up. To try and make a difference. Instead I am looking for an empty hospital bed to claim because with the current commute I am much better off sleeping here than commuting for four hours a day.

This whole crisis hasnt outwardly affected my life but it is really wearing me out. Floods suck.

XXXXXXX

I understand why Scott thought those represented kisses under the phone number, Why would you assume it represented seven evil exes? You probably wouldnt.

An ex and I chatted the other night. I am one of those people that stays friends with exes until they are married. Then it is like they have died. Or become zombies, something to avoid. But as we chatted I had the fleeting thought that I may be done racking up exes. I mean there is no ring but I am mostly positively sure that I am with the love of my life and that means that I can stop the whole exing game.

So in commemoration I have decided to write about seven of my worst relationships. Now this isnt to say I dated awful people. This is to say we were awful together. And looking back I am retarded. But it also makes me laugh. I am such an idiot.So let the journey begin. In no order at all.

X. This boy and I had little in common besides our entire class schedule. So it made sense to study together. This lead to a month or two of constant being together and many dinners with his family and me losing a dozens bets on exams. We were dating and loving it except I wouldnt admit we were dating because he was too cocky and half the time I couldnt decide if we liked each other or if we just liked the convenience. Then one day after we had all our classes together he texted me that he still loved his ex. Fail. Mostly because we still had a month or two of classes together. Note, we are still friends and he is as arrogant as always. What a champ.

X. Junior year. I was nailing wanting to be a doctor and at a party to celebrate the new season of Scrubs I met a boy. We became friends and he wanted to date. Oddly enough he knew X above and one time I ditched him for X above and he got mad because he had told everyone we were dating, except for me. I was utterly lost. Over the next year or two we hung out and sorta dated but he never would say anything mean. I hated it! It was like every time we hung out I just wanted him to punch me in the face. I couldnt handle how incredibly nice and genuine he was. So it couldnt work. I spent all out time together trying to convince him to be mean. He has a wife now so he may be dead. I wouldnt even know.

X. Somehow post X listed first I met another boy. And we dated and he was so hot and cold. Seventy Eight percent of the time I didnt know if he liked me. He just constantly kept me hanging. Then I moved to Canada for a summer. We talked and were to date when I returned. I was smitten. Until I got back and realized he was hooking up with my best friends friend. Awkward for him when he met my best friend at the other girls apartment and the next day came to mine and saw her again. Needless to say I opted out, he dated the other girl. They broke up. He called me and we starting spending too much time together. Somehow I got out of this. I dont know how. But randomly he used to always call me to either try and get back together or to talk about how he missed the other girl, who I was now friends with... When I moved to Australia he told me he wanted to ask me to not go. He missed me. I dont know how, we never talked and he treated me like crap. Two months later he was engaged. Dead.

X. Interject aussie relationship. I was flooded and homeless. Two uni boys let me in. Fast forward six months and one of these men was my best friend. We spent every day together doing whatever. So eventually I was like uh we are kinda dating hey. So we dated. And fell in love. And he had no qualities I wanted. He preferred drinking to spending time with me. He didnt want marriage or kids, he wanted instant gratification. But after 8 months of every day together all I saw was that I couldnt live without him. I was so wrong. He didnt ever show interest in my interests. Religion meant nothing. And he never wanted anyone to know we were dating. Welcome to brutal breakup and arguing because I wasnt a moraless girl. Hello, I had the same standards from homeless day one. We were so incredible wrong for each other. I was lonely and an idiot. I wish I could go back and punch idiot lonely aussie Lauren.

X. Aussie ex again. This one is hilarious to me. I was working in a rural hospital with no entertainment. Enter hot Orthopaedic surgeon that came across as being arrogant and misinformed. We first met at a presentation you did. I thought you screwed up most of the orthopaedic tests and was dying as I knew them. Somehow two weeks later some bantering and usual friendly conversation had occurred and you started asking around about me. A week later we were dating. Intensely. Who cares that you were Muslim and I was Mormon? It worked. We were less flirty at the hospital to keep it kosher. But as I asked another surgeon a question one day and he made implications about you and I, I nearly died. Eventually I moved back to the city after celebrating your birthday. One week later you sent me a text saying it was too hard. Hello. Thanks for not trying. Idiot. I learned a lot about Islam though and learned that he wasnt trying to learn about my religion at all. All talk no walk. Try not to kill anyone on the table dear. 

X. Sophmore year. One of the  most disastrous years of my life. And somehow I met a boy. But I told him not to love me because I would just go back to Canada for the summer and I had a boy on a mission that I was fond of. He didnt listen. We fell in love. For 10 or 11 months we were the worst couple. We argued about every single thing you can imagine. And when we would argue in the car I would play a recorder as loud as possible. We were so in love and brought out the worst in each other. It was constant tearing apart and wanting to throw things. I dont even know why. I think because I was you. I didnt understand love or anything really. He was married not long after we broke up and never again did we speak. Although I did have his sister chop my hair once after that.

X. And the cake arrives. Prior to now this was the most real I think I ever had felt about someone. And it made no sense. When we dated he treated me like crap. When we didnt date he treated me almost like a princess. He would let me cry. He would ask the questions no one would ask. He knew everything that no one else would ever know. And I loved him. But he didnt ever want me to love him. And he wasnt sure he could love me the way I needed to be loved. He wanted to play the card of the douche that didnt care even when I knew otherwise. he couldnt be everything I wanted him to be. But I somehow loved him more than I knew possible. It has been two and a half years since I said goodbye to him and flew across the world and spent months wondering how we would end up together. And somehow with the time and distance and looking back we laugh about how he was such a tool to me. He is one of the most influential people in my life and I think we will never see each other again and it wont matter. We were everything the other person needed but we would be the worst together. We were the worst together. We are our best when we are completely not dating. He was an awful boyfriend. 

At this moment I so badly wish I could put these seven men in a room and hear their thoughts about our relationship. I picture it being a disaster. But one I wouldnt be able to take my eyes off of. My exes arent really evil. They just were so entirely wrong for me and I never saw it until after, way after. I dont even know how I managed to find someone that can look past all of this crazy and love me.

Flood You

Over the past 2 years, 5 months and 13 days I have formed some opinions in regards to flooding. Opinions I did not ever expect to have. It has been emotional the last few days. Not because I am stranded or alone this time but because I know the devastation and I know how so many people are about to feel as they are let back into their homes this week.

It seems amazing that a city usually covered in snow is now full of water. That our greatest event of the year is only days away and the grounds are flooded. We arent Calgary without a Stampede. We need this. We need to feel something normal and to remind ourselves that we are stronger than this.

I am so much more removed this time. I mean I have already had to re-enter life. As the first 25 suburbs were evacuated I was at work. When I realized the roads to my home were all cut off due to flooding I was still at work. And this morning as I wait for the big announcement on the Stampede I am at work. It seems surreal to be doing something so trivial when there are so many people who's homes have been destroyed.Yet I know that at this point there is so little I can do. The waters have to recede. The homes have to be inspected. The belongings collected. It is about to be a long hard road for a lot of people and my heart is breaking for them.

I am so over floods. Over their inconsideration. Over the looting that they inevitably cause. Over the anxiety and loss they leave in their murky waters. I would be most happy if I never saw a flood again. They are making me age much too quickly.

The Truman Lauren Show

I often wish  wonder if my life is a movie or television show.  Not because I think it is so drama filled and fascinating that citizens of all places would tune in, but because strange things always happen and when they happen I usually can imagine the song that would be used to accompany it.  Dramatic, I know. I just can't help the way I feel. I constantly am narrating my own life and adding in the music and usually finding it to be fascinating.

Like the other night, I nailed a Tide-to-go commercial. Imagine a pale pink dress with red wine spilled across the front and back. Out comes my Tide-to-go and next thing you know the dress is basically perfect. The wedding continues and I assume relatively few knew, minus the ones still in awe from my skill. Perfect commercial. Except it was my life.

And somehow there tends to be characters full of drama that I cant avoid, like the ones you see on the Bachelor and wonder how they can possibly be real people and how the Bachelor can even want to date them. These characters feel placed in my life to add hype and to obtain viewers. So clearly there is a high probability that me writing this blog is not useful as everyone is already watching my every move.

This must be how Truman felt. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I actually lived in Australia for two years or if those thoughts have been planted. Maybe I never left here. Maybe nothing is real.

But then again what is reality? 

Cause You Gave Me The Best Mixtape I Have

Warning. This may be sappy. Vomit now.

I dont even know who I am. There are moments when I feel so in love it freaks me out and I just want someone to punch me in the face.I was given a mix cd many years ago. I listened to it as I do and that was that. Somehow over the years it keeps coming back. For example, a year ago I woke up in a rural Australian town with a song stuck in my head. And by song I mean two lines. I had no idea how this happened or what it was but I was obsessed with it all day til I found out it was All At Once by Valencia. I then had to sort out how I knew it and why it was so familiarly vague. Eventually, I sorted out that it was from this mix cd from many years back.

Then it was wedding weekend and I found myself searching for this particular cd. Probably because it is labelled "Will You" and the first song is entitled Marry Me. So I spent the weekend with this album on repeat and I dont know if that did it, or if it was because of the wedding or if it was just me. But it feels like we were meant to be from the beginning I just couldn't see it. I wonder if you knew. I like to think we are together because of me. Because on the first day of this year I decided we were going to be and then proceeded to ask you out and text you while you were away til you realized it. So I like to think it was me that realized it but I dont think it was. It just took me awhile to see what you saw all along.

You gave me the best Mixtape I have, and even all the sad songs ain't so sad.

I am pretty sure we couldnt be more perfect for each other. You make me mental some days. And I need that. I cant handle everything being too perfect or sappy. I need the disagreeing about irrelevant things and the sarcasm. I am so in love I dont know what has happened to who I knew I was. I have become someone I never understood and for once I think it might be the right thing.

I Walked Down the Aisle

It didn't hit til the morning of. This was quite likely going to be the only time I would ever walk down an aisle. I realized I had better get it right. I was worried I would somehow lose both rings as I was responsible for both until moments before. Or that I would trip or do something embarrassing. Nothing like that happened and I am pretty sure I nailed the day. Okay, I know I did. But I cant help to be a little sad I wont be the one walking down the aisle with everyone smiling and crying and watching. But I regress.

The day was beautiful. Jenn was the most beautiful bride you could ever imagine. And it wasnt because of the makeup or dress. I have never seen her glow in that way before. She looked elated. The ceremony was short and simple full of love and a few laughs, I better remember to teach her the difference between right and left. And I assume the photos look great because the backdrop was stunning but I really dont know. I imagine there will be several with my hair flying everywhere as the wind was insane but those can be deleted forever I am sure.

All that really matters is that the day went off without any drama that I know of, and the two lovers are literally in the honeymoon phase being the happiest people on earth. They met at the pool they worked at so on our way to photos we stopped there and I took this. (There would be more photos but I focused on keeping the dress from dragging in the dirt and dissipating any potential problems so I took no photos except for this). So here it is. It is okay to drool a little or be obsessed with how pretty she is.

Congratulations JP, and thank you for choosing me to be  part of this day. I love you.

Quarters and Centuries

Occasionally occasions happen that should be recorded and those are the times I feel the least like writing. When I have nothing to say and no words to convey I can ramble incessantly. I have decided this is a most inconvenient form of writers block. Alas, I am going to punch this block until it breaks and most likely leave you with a most boring and unfulfilling story of my day of spoilings.

A day of birth celebration has never been important to me so I am unsure why I decided this year it was. And in reality, I only decided that my partner make it important. I didnt really care about what anyone else thought or how they wanted to celebrate, I just wanted my partner to take time off to show me that for one day I could be above work. You see he has a career that is highly demanding and in five months this was the only time I had asked for a moment of work time to be my time instead. So I didnt even feel bad.Being the smart man he is, he took two thirds of the day off. I would be scared of my wrath too, so it was the obvious decision.

But I regress to the evening prior. Said man had decided we would do a nice dinner to celebrate. So after work and renewing my drivers license that would expire the next day I stopped by the office. I wanted a house key so I could get ready at his place instead of having to drive the hour to mine and then come back to the city. Somehow this resulted in me receiving keys to a brand new truck and leaving my car. Best birthday gift ever. Okay I couldnt keep it. He was just letting me take his truck he got that day home so he could get the oil changed in my car. What a stud. So eventually he comes home with my car oiled, washed and fueled and with flowers in his arms. Nailed it. The evening progressed to a fancy meal and then not fancy watching of the OC. I am obsessed, due to my inability to retain things I only remember the arching story of it and each episode seems brand new even though I watched them all my sophmore year and used to dream about the OC every night.

Then it was my day. I awoke to presents and balloon bouquet with a note inside. The day brought crepes and boardgames and family and cake from Winnipeg and boccie ball and presents and 25 things my family loves about me. And for once, I felt so spoiled. Between the thoughtful note and the time and the food and the overly expensive and intuitive presents I literally felt like I was a princess. It may have been the best day ever. And like all good days should end, I fell asleep curled up next to my man while him and my sister and her little beau watched a movie. One day I might stay awake for a movie but probably not.

So even though I feel really old being a whole quarter of a century I am okay with it. Because I have never felt so loved and not alone and accepted as I do right now. I think this year may be the best year of my life so far. With fingers crossed. 

ps my lover spoiled me and I want everyone to know it.

The Closest I Got To The Postal Service Was The Post Office

One time I planned a trip to Utah revolving entirely around the 10 year anniversary tour of the Postal Service. This was monumental to me as they only made the one album and havent been touring in many moons. I bought the tickets along with a limited edition pressing on vinyl the moment they were released. I was ecstatic. So the time came. I drove the fifteen hours and began to reunite with my companions. Finally the time came to drive to the Saltair. As I was on my way I decided to check in on a loved one and in doing so received an email stating the concert was cancelled due to illness. Welcome to my life.

So The Postal Service totally bailed on me but it may have made me realize a little bit more what really matters. Instead I ended up at a Lamaze class playing the role of partner. As we talked about labour and its related topics I realized that I knew this stuff, well. I knew the massages and relaxation techniques and breathing and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I forget that I learned a lot in school as I have been stuck not using it for half a year. Class progressed and somehow it seemed more important to support a best friend than it did to hear a band. Something I wouldnt usually say or feel.

My trip wasnt full of the most monumental or touristy moments. It wasnt sleepless nights and endless partying. It was reconnecting with people that have shaped and changed my life. It was bonding with a little girl whos birth I missed. And it was a reminder that I am not alone.

I may have only been to the  Post Office which was traumatic enough but I dont feel as cheated as I expected. I feel fulfilled. My roadtrip was everything I needed to remind me of who I am.

There'll Be No Value In The Strength of Walls I Have Grown

Sixth row. Close enough I could nearly touch. It was sold out in less than a minute so how I got so lucky entirely rests on the shoulders of a best friend. Of someone that gave me and my baby sister the night of our lives. The music filled my soul. Marcus has a way of doing that. It was beautiful. And magnificent. But it gave me the smallest sense of sadness. It reminded me of the reality of this week.

Time has been so occupied in my life lately I dont even remember the last time I did nothing by myself. Maybe I do. It was a hard night when I found myself lying on my floor listening to Belle and Sebastian on vinyl and crying. I could use time like that.

Today Madelyn was supposed to be born. She was the beautiful daughter of one of the most important people in my world. But Madelyn was taken back to heaven last month. So today I cant help but feel sad and wish I was in Utah now not in 3 days because I just want to try and take some of her mothers pain away.

Tomorrow is three years. Three years since my world fell apart. Three years since I began to see the light and truth and realize how little of it there had been. It makes me feel numb. I have been trying to forgive and to move on and to trust but this road has been harder for me than I ever could have imagined. Tomorrow is my least favourite day of every year.

Tomorrow is also going to be one of the greatest days of my life. I have chosen to let down some of my walls and to try and find the strength that is found through Christ. So tomorrow I go through the temple. Something I have literally sang about since I was a child. My dress for it came, but it is too big. I wish I was better at measuring myself. But I assume I will have chunky days, I always do, so maybe larger is okay. Regardless, tomorrow will be beautiful and I will not let the pain of the day darken the light I have waited my whole life to see.

And then Utah. I was scared to go back after I left. I left thinking the love of my life was there. Someone so wrong for me in every way. So I didnt go back because I didnt want to love him anymore. Of course when I finally feel ready he moves to another place for many months. But I am ready. I dont look at Utah as holding the pain that it held for my last 4 months there. It had become a place of sadness, loneliness and suffering. So I didnt look back. Now I can see it holds the people I want to be like. The woman that have taught me what love is and how to be strong. It holds the friends I will never not love. And it has Wingers. My favourite place in the whole world to eat. So I am going back.

I feel scattered. There is a lot going on in my imminent future. My world is swirling around me in a way that is in my control but only barely. I am hanging on my a thread. I need to rest. To let my mind slow down long enough to make decisions. To think. To actually see my boyfriend. To remind myself I have a boyfriend. I need to stop putting up walls and expecting them to protect me. I want to be stronger. But in a way that I can rely on God more than myself.

Power To the People, We Dont Want It, We Want Pleasure

I have never proclaimed myself to be ahead of the times or the founder of independence. I never thought I was cooler or hipper than anyone else. I have never fit into any real stereotype. But I do have a lot of opinions and sometimes I do relate to the "indie" scene extremely well.

I only knew of people like Usher in high school because my best friend at the time loved him. I listened to The Used and Senses Fail a lot that year. Her boyfriend understood. And the next year I really got into music. I was always on Purevolume, a site I thought everyone spent all of their time on. That wasnt true. I had years of listening to Waking Ashland, Matchbook Romance, The Spill Canvas and The Format on repeat. And because of this one day I became friends with the lead singer of Waking Ashland. I felt famous. We had breakfast together. After shows he would ask about specific classes I was in because we knew each other. And he was my first introduction to Kickstarter. In case you arent as indie as me Kickstarter is a website where you fund projects. You ask for x amount of money and you have 30 days to reach that goal in pledges. For each pledge you offer rewards. So for my first experience it was something like paying $25 to get the cd and a shirt when it came out. It was like preordering but it allowed the artist to fund the album independently. I thought it was novel. I loved it. So when it happened for Veronica Mars to make a movie I was obsessed and then again for Zach Braff's movie which has reached its goal and still has days to tick away. I read all the critiques I come across on this. Haters be hating. I think Kickstarter is changing the way media is created. And I love it. I really do. I am elated that for a rather minimal fee I will have a limited vinyl, a shirt, 3 art prints, the script and more. I like being a part of something, or creating art. Of feeling like a community in something that takes the power back to the people.

I think we all could stand to be a little more independent. To forgo the images that media says we should be like. To forget what people expect. And to be ourselves a lot more. I have always been a bit this way and I know it can lead to disappointment and contention and frustration, but I also know it makes me a whole heck of a lot happier when I am living for myself and not giving up control to the world. Kickstart yourself.

Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year. In fact is is one week away. But this time next week I will not allow the pain to overcome, I will be in the Temple making covenants. So it may be today or it may be another day but I will allow myself to grieve and to remember because if I forget than I run the risk of making the mistakes that were made that hurt me. So I will not forget.

I am very forgetful though. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys, tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was three years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? I wish I had all of the answers. But what time has taught me is that I dont. Because I dont I have learned to rely on the Lord. It has pushed me to seek more, to have a desire to enter the Temple and make covenants because I truly know that through our Saviour I can be healed. That I can overcome this and forgive and let go of my pain and anger. So even when the pain feels razor sharp and the tears sting I know that I am not alone. I will not forget but I will learn to forgive.

Nobody told her she'd lose in the first round The last fight was fixed from the start.

I've Got, I've Got To Get This All Off My Chest

This song will forever describe me and every situation of my life.

I was going to post all of the lyrics like I obsessively do but I am not going to because I have other words to say and if I post a million lyrics and all of my words even I wont be able to handle reading this. Yes I am the one reader of my own blog. I accept that.

I literally get chest pains frequently. Worsened by anxiety. Like yesterday. Some days are hard. They are hard for everyone. But lately I am struggling to sort it all out. I thought I knew everything I wanted. Now I feel conflicted. I used to know  what love is and now I question if I was wrong. What if everything I dreamed of really was just a dream? What if this life I created in my head when I compromised and came back isnt real? What if I am about to self destruct?

Let me paint this by number, with the simplicity that even a child wont understand because it wont be simple at all. If I was someone that could bluntly write every word then I wouldnt be me. I feel like I am wandering through that bog from the Princess Bride. Being swallowed up and knowing it but not able to save myself. It is like I am allowing my life to take control of me but not knowing how to change that. I want to write and say it feels like unrequited love but that would be oh so dramatic and probably significantly incorrect. But that is almost how I imagine it all. Life in my world runs on a schedule. It has to be scheduled or it may be forgotten. I am the most organized scattered person I know. Some days it amazes me that I have accomplished anything and the days I accomplish nothing leave me frustrated beyond belief. So when I cant control so much I want to throw things, literally. Sometimes it results in punches. The logic that is me screams to be released and finds such frustration when it isnt realized. Time patterns and plans make sense to me. I dont understand waiting and patience. I dont feel the need to let the stars align. I want action. I want the movie not the previews. I just want to scream and make the world run on my time but reality says that would push everything I want away. So instead I sit here trying to get it all off my chest.

I’m so sick of living my life in suspense.

I'm focused on getting my life rearranged,

and you're *** damn right my life has changed.

Here I Am Again, Running Away From The Truth

I get so in my head. Its a world that catches me the way I wish my dream catcher would catch my dreams. It is the web that doesnt want to let go. Yet I cant seem to escape myself. But somehow I always know how to run.

I can sense trouble almost as well as I can sense when squirrels are afraid. And well, once those senses go all I know is to escape. It feels easier than being vulnerable or admitting things arent perfect. And it is of course exponentially easier than thinking or discussing my feelings. I havent been stagnant for this long ever it feels like. It has been 5 months and 5 days since I boarded the plane that took my life back to here. Nothing has went as planned. Everything feels like it is falling apart constantly. I am actually amazed I am not a train wreck. I mean there are significant glimmers of perfection that are the shining glue that keep me together but I am still often overwhelmed by reality.

Lately I have been observing a lot of love or lack of. I have watched engagements unfold, relationships blossom and old ones maintain their strength. I have seen collapse and I have seen sadness. And somehow I dont know how to relate my own life to it all. My insight into the worlds I dont reside often seems remarkable but my oblivion to my own life couldnt be worse. I cant help but wonder if I am running from a truth I dont want to admit.

To Write This Down As Means To Reconcile

We write to apologize. 

We ask to look past life as it goes by.

I know you have sacrificed time, life, love, time to fly. 

Please consider all things right, 

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down. 

Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.

To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up, 

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love. 

Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one whose glory never ends. 

And based on that we'll see, 

There'll be room for change, but gradually. 

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix.

Mae explained it better than I could. 

I wanted to write something eloquent about today but I dont have those words within me. I dont think I am even writing to reconcile. I am almost writing out of obligation. I sent a birthday email. I used your name. I didnt sign it with love. I am not there yet. Having this broken is hard to fix. I dont believe we live in a world where you can have everything without sacrifice. I believe you have to work and that real relationships arent formed out of obligation. I do think I have forgiven. I just have also watched the embers burn the bridges. I have just chosen to walk away from the burning. To not let the anxiety and pain be overwhelming. So I will continue to write about all the feelings found but this is just where I am at for now. I am doing the best that I can.

I'm Just a Dog-Earred Page You Turn Back To

As we sat at the table and questions flowed so much poured through my mind. The questions were easy, I knew the answers. Only one was a stumbling block and they just moved on from it and didnt ask questions as would be proper when realizing the taboo subject of a non present parent comes up. Yet my mind was somewhere else completely. I couldnt help but think of how many other family things I had been to with you. In nearly a decade there have been a fair few. And I wondered if I was the only one that realized that. That was thinking of how long I have been around and how I continually appeared but in a non-existent role. I wondered if they knew this time it was real. I wasnt just that girl next door that actually lived ages away. That I was the one that would be at every family event for forever now. I suppose I still dont know my place. I get nervous I will say the wrong thing or not fit in in the world I so desperately want to be a part of.  So when it was like a dogs ears perking up when I realized what song was being thrown back to me as I drove last night I wondered if this was me. Was I just that person you turn back to because I have always been a marked page or am I really the only one that will matter forever now?

It didnt help when I dreamt about marriage after that. I have never been that girl to fantasize about a wedding or getting married. I knew one day it would happen but that was that. There was no other real thought process. But last night instead of dreaming of being murdered I dream that we had decided to get married and to just go for it spur of the moment and I awoke realizing I have changed more than I ever would care to admit. It feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance right now.

All I Need is a Whole Lotta You

A Rocket To The Moon broke up today. You probably dont know them. And I am not saying that because I think I only listen to music no one knows. I am saying it because I just havent ever met anyone that knew them. I am not even sure how I know them. But I actually was quite fond of them. Particularily their EP "That Old Feeling". So maybe if you are feeling a little bit like you are country emo pop punk you should listen to this.

Music feels like it is my life. Not enough of it. I obsess over music. I think in lyrics. I wish I could make other people understand how I feel but just being able to relate a song, but most of the time that doesnt work. But that is why I love music. Because it expresses what I cant. It holds memories long forgotten and it brings a joy and peace that I find hard to replace.

So I cant help but be a little cut that they are no longer. Because this one song makes me smile, it makes me want that someone and want someone to feel that way about me. It makes me want to put back on my cowboy boots and sit in the sun. It makes me want so much. And music that can make you want things is powerful.